by S. M. Lynn
Gavin appeared in the doorway to see if I needed anything. “No, I’ll be fine. It’s just harder to take than I thought. Seeing him move on. I know he should; it’s better for him. But it still breaks my heart. I love him so much.”
“Laur, don’t go thinking things like that just yet. Give him a chance to explain, to talk to you. Ian would never just run off with someone else without at least explaining it to you first. Hell, I highly doubt Ian would ever want to be with anyone else. But I know what those pictures look like too.”
“How the hell am I supposed to do that when he won’t even take my calls or respond to my texts and emails? I know Marlene said he needed time and he has work that needs to be taken of in Florida but this looks like way more than time and work.” I feel my stomach contract again only there is nothing left to expel. “Did you look through all of them?”
“Just more of the same. It must have been over several days and several events because they are dressed differently and then there are some casual shots of them having lunch a couple times. Darling, I’m so sorry. Marlene and I were so sure. I just don’t know now. I know what I saw before he left. That man would have moved heaven and earth for you. It just doesn’t fit. Him running into someone else’s arms so quickly. There has to be another explanation. But if the pictures are real, just know I’m here for you and he’s a piece of shit for doing that to you. No matter what you did, you don’t deserve that.”
I shake my head. I know he’s trying to help. But I betrayed Ian in a way that he could never forgive. He warned me from the beginning about keeping things from him. It was a deal breaker and I knew it. “Gavin, I want to see the others.”
“Laur, don’t do this to yourself. There’s no need for that kind of torture.”
“Gav, I have to see them. I have to know. I know it’s sick and twisted of me but I have to. I can’t explain it but I just know I need to.”
“Okay darling. But let’s make a deal first. You take some time in here and get yourself cleaned up. I’ll make you something to eat then we can sit together and look at it all. But please don’t close off. Please give him a chance to explain. Because whether he likes it or not he will explain this to you, even if I have to force it out of him.”
“Deal.” I say with a smile, a genuine one this time. Gavin puts all my fears and doubts to rest even with my world crumbling at my feet. “I promise when Ian’s ready, if he’s ever ready, that I will listen to what he has to say. It’s the least I can do after everything I’ve put him through. I just wish he could have stayed and told me what was going on from the start. Or that he would have at least told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore. To find out like this, it guts me. God, Gavin, I love him so much I ache inside for him. Why did I do this to us?”
Gavin is instantly at my side pulling me from the floor. He wraps me in a tight hug. “Babe, you aren’t the only one to blame for this mess. No matter how much you want to take it all on your shoulders, you were not alone in this. I knew, Marlene knew, and whether he wants to admit it or not, Ian knew something was up and in the end, you did try to tell him and he’s the one who stopped you. So I don’t want to hear anymore talk like that. There’s no point in playing the blame game and definitely no point in you blaming yourself. If you want to start, you should probably lay it all at Dean’s feet. If Ian’s too blind to see what a wonderful, beautiful, loving woman you are then fuck him. I wouldn’t want to see you end up with anyone who didn’t appreciate you for everything that you are.”
Chapter 4
After a shower and scrubbing my teeth to rid my mouth of the bile that continues to rise at the thoughts of Ian’s body wrapped around hers, I walk back out to the computer. They’re still there laughing and smiling at one another. “Who is she?”
“I skimmed a few of the articles. The heiress to some conglomerate. Apparently he’s working with her father on some development in Florida.”
“Oh, Elizabeth Burke.” I’d been at several meetings and conference calls with her father, Holden Burke. He’s a major investor and partner in the Florida development and was trying to get Ian to work on another project with him. “I talked with her father a few times but never met her. She’s very beautiful.” I said it remorsefully; her chestnut hair was perfectly styled and her designer clothes were amazing. To top it all off, she looked perfect on Ian’s arm. One caption summed it up perfectly, “The heiress and billionaire mogul, a match made in heaven.” Apparently, even the press is rooting for them.
I continue to look through several more pictures. Gavin’s right these were taken over quite a bit of time, looks like the last two weeks or so from the dates on the articles. I feel another stab that he’s been with her almost as long as he’s been apart from me. My mind is on overdrive wondering if she was always there in the background just waiting for him or maybe he was just with me while he was waiting for her. What a time for my insecurities to raise their ugly heads! I knew Ian loved me; on the night of the attack, he made no secret of that fact. There is no way he would do that to me. My brain knows but my heart is crying out in pain. Those should be my arms around him, not hers; those looks should be mine, not hers.
There are several pictures of them attending a couple black tie events, them entering a restaurant for dinner and a few others of them having lunch in the Florida sunshine. In all of the pictures, they both looked happy, very much the picture of an emerging relationship. There was one at lunch where she was staring into his eyes with her hand delicately placed on his arm as if imploring him for something and he looked back at her adoringly. This picture took my breath away and stabbed me through the heart in the same instance. It was too much to take. Looking at her left hand on his arm so delicately caressing him, but that wasn’t the only thing that cut me. It was what she wore on the fourth finger of that hand. A large sparkling diamond, clearly an engagement ring. Could this really have happened so quickly? Would he really rush right out and marry the next woman that caught his eye? Did I damage him that much? Did what we have mean so little? Part of me is glad that this didn’t cause him to shut down like his break up with Rebecca had but mostly, I’m devastated that I pushed him so far away he’s already unreachable to me.
Gavin looks between me and screen, his face awash with concerned. “Laur, I think that’s more than enough. “ And without waiting for a response from me takes the Mac book and slams the lid shut. Clearly he’s come to the same conclusion I have; this isn’t merely a quick fling for Ian before he decides to forgive me. This is Ian’s new forever and there’s nothing left there for me. “Please Lauren. Don’t do this to yourself. I said fuck him if this is how he’s going to be and I meant it. You are so much more than anyone has ever given you credit for and I won’t let his stupid ass bring you back down.” He drops a light kiss into my hair. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now but it will be okay, I promise.”
I want nothing more than to believe him. I want to believe I am the strong woman he seems to think I am; I want to see myself the way he does but I just can’t. “Gav, I’m going to lie down. Will you take the alert off my account? I think I’ve seen enough for, well, I think that will cover me for the rest of my life in the heartbreak department.”
“Darling, do you want me to lay with you? God, that unbelievable bastard! Tell me what I can do to help? I feel so helpless right now. I can’t stand to see you like this.”
“You’re right, Gav. It’ll be alright, eventually. I just need some time. Time to process all this and to heal. You know it’s funny. That night I walked down the hall to see Dean standing behind Ian I thought that was the biggest shock I’ve ever had. Guess I was wrong about that, huh? That couldn’t be further from the truth right now.”
Gavin grabs my hand as I stand. “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. I will always be there for you, Lauren. Whatever you need.” I lean down and kiss his cheek before turning to go to my room. I really do just need to lie down and rest. Lana Del Ray’s Dark Paradise has beco
me the theme song for my life and I wholeheartedly embrace it.
I know I’ve passed through the door of a dark place because for the next several days all I want to do is sleep, just getting out of bed exhausts me. The world holds no appeal for me. Thank god for Gavin; he’ll only allow me to wallow for so long before he’ll break me and force me back into the world. I just hope I’m ready when he does.
~
“Lauren, I have Dean on the line for you. I tried to take a message but he’s insistent on speaking to you. Says he’ll just come up if you don’t take his call. I’m sorry.” Tracy knew better than to try to put him through to me today. She may be my assistant now but we developed a fast friendship when I first started my internship with Ark Holdings, Carmichael’s corporate office, at the beginning of the year.
“No, Tracy. It’s fine. I understand. I’ll take it. Please hold all my other calls and visitors until I let you know otherwise.” Taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I picked up the phone. “Lauren Carmichael.” I said in my best go fuck yourself voice.
“Lauren, baby, I know you know it’s me. That bitch out front surely would have told you. I’ve been trying to reach you all morning.” My eye roll is audible.
“First off, I don’t want you speaking that way about my assistant. Secondly, Dean, I told you after what happened last night, I can’t continue to see you. I left the ring so there’s really nothing left to discuss. I don’t know what else you want me to say. You hurt me; I mean physically hurt me and your words… I just can’t even think about what you did and said right now. It’s all too ridiculous to think you could behave that way toward me, the woman you supposedly love. I don’t understand what’s going on with you. You never used to be like this.”
After a long pause, Dean finally speaks, “Baby, please I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just get so crazy when I see you with other guys or see other guys with their hands on you. I’m sorry. I lost control. Truly it wasn’t even you I was angry with. It was that bastard you were with at the coffee shop. Placing his hand on your arm all the time, smiling at you. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip his head off. Please, baby, forgive me.”
“Dean, you have to realize how ridiculous all this is. We were having lunch, discussing work. Nothing more. I’m going to have to meet with my colleagues and discuss business. It’s going to happen and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Why can’t you understand this? And if you had done or do anything to Brad, well I can’t think about that either. I feel like I don’t even know who you are anymore.”
“Baby, just have lunch with me today so we can talk. I’ll get some take out and bring it by your office. I just need some time with you. You’ve been working so much since we got back from our weekend. I just need you. Baby, god, how I need you. Please.” I knew if he was standing in front of me now I would see his features distorted with sorrow, his eyes pleading with me to forgive him and give him a chance. Dean had been so wonderful, always the perfect boyfriend; he was patient and always made sure I had what I needed, up until our engagement that is. We were approaching our three year anniversary and he proposed just a few weeks ago after my graduation. Our first few days engaged to one another were confusing to say the least but then there was last night.
Last night was a whole different ball game. If I was confused about the first time we were intimate, last night had my head spinning so badly I was afraid it would come off my shoulders. He was in such a rage. Yelling at me about knowing what I had done with Brad, grabbing my arm, practically throwing me to the floor all the while telling me what a whore I was to let another man touch me and fuck me. How could Dean not understand? He was my first, my only; I never wanted to be with anyone else like that and I loved only him. I was so blindsided. We had never had problems like this before. But something about Dean had been off since our return from my graduation weekend. With everything going on at the company, I just hadn’t paid much attention to it. Maybe it was just his way of crying out for me, for help; his need for me.
“Dean, I get that I’ve been busy. I’m sorry. I just don’t really know what there is to talk about. I love you but you can’t act like that. You can’t treat me like that.”
“Lauren, please, baby, I need to see you now. I can’t wait. I know we need to talk but more than that I need to show you how much I love you. Please baby. It won’t happen again. I told you I wasn’t even angry at you and I’ll try to be more understanding, really I will.” He sounded so sincere, so genuine. His apology was heartfelt; he was almost begging me to take him back. Hearing Dean, such a proud man, reduced to this tore at my heart.
“Dean, I don’t know what to say. I guess we should talk. I’ll let Tracy know you’re coming up.”
“Baby, thank you. I love you so much. God, I need you. I need to be buried in you and let you feel all the love I have for you. Please, I need you now baby. Right now. I’m already on my way over. I left the buyers meeting I was in. Please.” I could hear the desperation in his voice.
“I’m not agreeing to any of that. Dean, we have to talk. Sex won’t solve whatever is wrong with us. I know how you like to get me all worked up and distract me,” he’d spent the whole previous weekend doing that, “but none of that until after our conversation. Okay?”
“Yes, baby. Of course. You just know that I talk best when I am in you.” I hear the smile in his voice through the phone. The little boy in him that was shouting for joy over getting his way. “I love you, Lauren. Forever, you are mine.” I smiled at his words and hung up.
Dean showed up a few minutes after that with take out. We sat and ate for a few minutes in silence neither of us knowing how to approach the subject. Dean finally came around behind me, leaned around me and swept my hair back from my neck. “Dean, I…” I began to giggle as he nibbled my neck. “Dean, we really need to talk… talk about last night.”
“Shh baby. I know I fucked up and that I’m a jealous bastard. But, fuck, you’re so sweet and all mine. I’ll never let you go. You can never leave me. I’ll always find you, Lauren.” As he’s talking he picks me up and turns me around so I’m sitting on the desk facing him and he pushes my skirt up to my waist. “Lauren, please understand. I can’t be without you.” His pants are suddenly open and he pushes them down along with his boxers. Violently he thrusts himself into me. “This is my pussy. Are we clear? You will not whore yourself out to other men anymore. Do you understand me? Tell me you fucking know.” His fingers dig into the tops of my arms as he holds in place. He rapidly picks up the pace of his thrusts and it’s all I can do not to cry out from the pain. There’s no pleasure here. Did I really expect him to change? For things to be any different?
“Dean, please. Slow down. Please you’re hurting me. I would never be with anyone else. You are the only one who has ever had me. Please Dean. I love you. Why are you doing this?” I’m crying now and he tries to soothe me.
“Baby, can’t you see how crazy you make me. I have to have you and know that I’m the only one that will ever have you. I can’t stand the thought of you with another man, another man buried deep inside you like I am now.” He pulls swiftly from me and pushes me down to my knees in front of him. “I need to be in your mouth. Your mouth is fucking heaven.” I begin to protest but instead of waiting for what I had to say he thrusts himself into my mouth. “I saw you with him, Lauren. I know you wanted to fuck him. I know what your body can do; how you like to be fucked like the whore that you are. But you’re mine; fucking mine and no one else will ever have you.” He thrust a few more times and growled, “MINE,” as he came violently in my mouth. “Drink me up, baby. Swallow every last drop.” He scooped me off the floor and bent me over the desk. I heard him working himself over to get hard again and then he sank himself back into me.
“Dean, please, I love you. Please just love me. I’m sorry.” Why the fuck am I apologizing to him after everything, last night and now? Was he right? Did I want to be with Brad and it was just
taking Dean pointing it out to make me realize? No, this is crap. Dean has only ever been the one for me. “Dean, please.”
“Oh yes, I’ll give it to you. Yes, fuck yes. Lauren. Tell me how much you like it. Tell me.”
“Dean,” the tears are back now, “I just need to you to love me. Please slow down and love me.” This seems to awaken him from wherever he had gone.
“Oh shit, baby. I’m sorry. I fucking did it again. You just make me so fucking crazy.” He pulls out of me, wraps his arms around me and turns me to face him. Kissing me over and over again, he puts his cock back inside me as I wrap my legs around him and he carries me to the sofa. His eyes are soft now instead of the cold hardness I’d seen in them before. “Lauren, baby. I want you so fucking bad.” He lays me back and begins pumping into me again. My emotions are so confused, so overwhelming. Part of me wants to hate him, push him away and never see him again. But another part of me longs for the love, even if it is the fucked up kind that he gives me. When he wanted to Dean could be tender, loving even. It was that man that I longed to make love to me.
“Dean, I love you. Only you.” And just like that my gentle, caring lover was back. It hadn’t been too often that I got to be with Dean like this. Most of the time he was rough and harsh but this, this was pure bliss. “Oh yes, Dean. Yes. Yes.” He massaged me inside and out perfectly until my orgasm rocked my body. I held onto this bliss with him as long as I could. I wanted to cry out again as he convulsed inside me.
