by S. M. Lynn
“Claire, you cry all you want. Daddy’s death is still very hard on me and it wasn’t until meeting Ian that I was able to even think of him without breaking down. Now after talking to Ian, there are so many good things; so many wonderful memories and it has only just occurred to me that I would rather dwell on those than on all of the bad things that surround his death and my loss.”
“I agree, my dear. I thought the death of Robert would be the death of me but I learned to focus on everything that we had together rather than the things that we would never have and that helped a lot. Well that and a lot of wine, for a while at least.” She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I know that Robert’s death left her heartbroken; it left all of them broken just like my father’s death had done to me. But now here we are, moving forward together. I see our fathers’ hands in all of this, in bringing us all together and send up a silent thank you to both of them for all of this.
“Now dear, what can we help you with?”
“You can both sit right there and drink your wine. I have this all under control.” I found some lovely arugula and tomatoes that I made into a quick tossed salad. Ian thought since we were doing steaks; we should let our American flag fly and have baked potatoes right along with it. So those were in the oven cooking, with very little prep needed from me. I knew I would spend the rest of the week in the gym or running through the park to work off this meal but decided what the hell and went all out on the dessert. Individual ramekins of crème brule are chilling in the refrigerator and Gavin will enjoy taking the torch to them just before they are served.
With everyone here, tonight was definitely the night. There is no need to delay this any further. I hate making these revelations to all of them at once and would definitely prefer Ian to hear all this first but I know, better than anyone, that there is no time like the present to get secrets off your chest. So since we are all here, I decide tonight is as good as any to explain to them how I left Dean.
~
I had dreaded and welcomed this day for months. I would either succeed in taking my life back or I would fail and death would truly come for me. Either was preferable to my current state. I looked at the sleeping man next to me. In sleep, one would almost think that they could see good in him. His features are hard but not in an unpleasant way and he is beautiful to look at. That beauty masks an ugliness that is indescribable. Since our engagement a year ago I have had to endure his mental, physical and sexual abuse. Today all of that would change, one way or the other and it would only be for the better no matter what the outcome.
I slipped quietly out of bed and into the shower. Dean still hadn’t woken up when I’d finished but as I exited our dressing room his eyes found me. “Why are you up so early? Come back to bed so you can tell me good morning properly.”
“Dean,” my voice pleads with him even though I knew begging would only make things worse for me in the end, “I need to get into the office a little early today as I’m taking the afternoon to see Daddy. You do remember what today is, right?” If he had been even a little human, had even a little bit of feeling for anyone but himself, he would have let it go at that but this was Dean.
“Baby, I don’t want you making yourself all upset over this again. He is gone. It’s been a year; we need to move on, get married, start our own family.” He threw off the sheet revealing his naked body beneath and stalked across the room to stand in front of me. “I am tired of waiting. I can’t be patient any longer. You will marry me and I won’t wait a second longer. I have already set everything up for next month. There is no more discussion on this matter. If your mother hadn’t been so desperate, we would have been married already. Well never mind… But I’m not waiting any more. The invitations have gone out and the only thing left is for you to pick a gown.” I stepped back stunned at his revelation. He planned our whole wedding behind my back! And what was he talking about with my mother? Were they still sleeping together? The thought of him being with both of us made me physically ill and I ran for the bathroom. Dean smiled down on me as I hung my head over the toilet. “It really looks like we shouldn’t delay things any further. I wouldn’t want you to be showing when you walked down the aisle.” God, now he thought I was pregnant? “I want you to take a test tonight when you get home and then I will arrange the doctor’s appointments. I’ve already retained a physician and I promise he will be very discreet.”
He had truly thought of everything. With this private physician, he could have me pregnant and never have to stop the abuse because with enough money he would be able to buy the doctor’s silence as well. I rose up again and emptied everything that was left in my stomach into the toilet. I could never marry this monster, let alone have him connected to me forever through a child. I knew he would stop at nothing to get what he wanted so when I started my preparations I made my own appointment and had an IUD put in so that he would be none the wiser. And I wouldn’t have to risk having my baby’s father be a hideous monster.
I tried to feign a smile, hoping that placating him would allow me to leave soon. I had a lot to finish up this morning; after all I was dying today one way or another. Surprisingly Dean brought me a glass of water to rinse out my mouth with and helped me up from the floor. He held me almost gently in his arms, rubbing his hands up and down my back. “You’ll see, Lauren,” he whispered into my hair, “things will be different now. I promise. I know I’ve hurt you but don’t you see baby, I have been so crazy; worried all the time that you’ll leave me. Now there’s no way you can ever leave me. I promise to be better, baby, really I do. I can’t wait to see you grow swollen with my child in your belly. God, just the thought is making me rock hard.” He lifted me like I was no more than a sack of flour and carried me to the bed. I tried not to let him see the tears. Tears only made him crazier; the last time I cried I wore the evidence of it for more than a week. “Shh, baby I know things have been crazy but I can be better. Starting now.” He removed my underwear and stockings as that was as far as I had gotten in dressing. His eyes roved over my now completely naked body. He reined kisses on belly where he thought his child was already growing. For a moment, I almost pitied him. If he only knew what was coming. But no, he had taken no pity on me for the last year and I would not be sucked back in by him; no matter how nice in this moment he seemed.
Dean wasn’t as rough as usual as he used my body that morning but never less it was simply him using my body. Other than my wetness there was no longer any physical, let alone mental reaction to him touching me, entering me. I simply turned my head to the side and let him do what he needed so I could eventually escape. I smiled at the fact. Escape, it was coming and soon. He mistook my smile for pleasure. “See baby, I knew you loved it. All these months. I knew you liked what I was doing.” I turned away and remained silent while he finished with me.
I cleaned up again and got ready to leave. Dean was in the shower so without a word I slipped out of the house. I knew I shouldn’t be cocky about it but I couldn’t help but be pleased with myself. My father’s lawyer, Mr. Meyers and I had planned all of this and I was becoming more and more confident that it would work.
At my initial meeting with Mr. Meyers, he explained that Daddy had planned to leave mother. He long suspected infidelity and had grown tired of her treatment of me years earlier. He stayed because he thought that was what was best for me but quickly realized that was not the case. Daddy knew it would make her crazy; he knew she married him for the money and wouldn’t be easily parted from it. He had no idea just what lengths she would go to to keep it though.
So in his private estate that only Mr. Meyers had access to, he made a provision, an escape clause if you will for me. He left me plenty of cash and Mr. Meyers to help me. Daddy had no idea that the reason I would need to escape had very little to with mother and everything to do with the man he had given his blessing to.
There was no paper trail to me at all. Mr. Meyers had dealt with the change in identity so if anyone came searchi
ng for Celeste it would only lead back to him. The rest of the people we dealt with had only met Celeste and everyone had been paid cash. Mr. Meyers insisted despite the fact that Daddy left me quite a bit of money, that he would handle all of the arrangements; he said I would need that money when starting my new life. So after a quick stop at the bank and then a stop at Mr. Meyers' office, I was on my way to the trail that my father was headed to on this morning one year earlier. Rather poetic, I thought to myself as I drove. The white Range Rover sped over the road to its demise. I would miss this car; not because of the car but Daddy had given it to me last year just before graduation. It pained me to damage anything he had ever given me. A small backpack of essentials sat in the back; in the glove box I placed the manila envelope with all the information and money; and on the passenger seat were several bags of blood. There was a limit to what I could have drawn even with private storage but I prayed that this would be enough to make the scene convincing. In a particularly wooded area off the vacant highway, I set the parking break and gathered everything from the car, including a 9 millimeter that Mr. Meyers insisted I take “just in case”. There were a lot of things that ran through my mind as just in case but Dean was the main one. If he followed me, if he found out what I was doing, well, Mr. Meyer did not want me left without one last chance to defend myself.
We both knew what Dean was capable of now and we both knew that he found out it would be my last chance. I looked around, seeing no one I ripped open the bags and dumped the contents over the inside of the Range Rover then I released the parking break. It rolled quickly down the side of the ravine before the trees stopped it with a loud thud. Glass and twisted metal were everywhere. Now for the last piece of the puzzle. I climbed down the embankment and slowly maneuvered underneath the car. There were two exposed wires. I pulled them and twisted them together. I knew I would only have a few minutes so I quickly pulled myself from under the car and then dragged (yes, army crawling) myself up the embankment using the blood that had gotten on my clothes as evidence that I had been dragged from the vehicle after it crashed. I didn’t care if the fire looked like a result of the crash or if it looks intentional because either way I was gone.
I made my way down the road several miles before I looked back at the smoke that now billowed from the trees. I continued on foot for a few more miles before coming upon a gas station where I changed my clothes and left the gun behind. Mr. Meyers arranged for a car to be left at the station for me. I sat in the car breathing deeply until the sirens could be heard. Then I started the car and drove north for several hours to the Portland airport. Just like that Lauren Carmichael was dead and I was on my way to a new life.
~
I look around the table at the faces before me. These people are my true family; they’ve been there for me over the last years and months in ways that they didn’t even know or understand. Marlene wraps me in a hug. “Dear, I’m just sorry you had to endure any of that. I don’t want to hear anymore of you blaming yourself for this. He was, is a monster and none of it was your fault.” Her grip around me tightens then she pulls back and smiles. “This may sound horrible of me but,” I shake my head knowing that whatever she says Marlene was never one to mince words, “without all that you would never have met my son again and we wouldn’t be here right now. So for that I can’t be sorry.” Her gaze passes from me to Ian. “You two are meant to be together and the sooner both of you see and accept that, the rest of us will be a lot happier.” I can tell she’s trying to lighten the mood some but at the same time, she’s completely serious about Ian and I.
I stare at my hands afraid to meet his eyes. I need him, need his arms around me, and need the comfort that only he could provide but am afraid. Afraid, of how this might change things for us, change his feelings for me. My weakness was laid bare for him to see. Now it’s up to him to do what he wanted with it. I’m not worthy of him and his love after everything I did and didn’t do to save myself. But it’s good to have the truth out there.
“I know I should have told you all this sooner and then maybe things would be different. But I just didn’t know how. I have been so scared. But lying in that hospital, I made a decision. I’m done being scared. I don’t know what life looks like without the fear but I am done with it. And I’m done running; this is my home and I will be damned if Dean or anyone will take that from me.”
I’m still unable to meet his eyes. I hear chairs slide backward as everyone leaves the table and makes their way over the living room. I don’t move. I sit silently contemplating what Ian’s silence means for me, for us. I probably should have told him all this first in private but I don’t want to get caught waiting for anything ever again. I’m being melodramatic but I want to feel his strong arms embrace me; hear his voice soothe my aching soul. His kisses light a fire in me that I would never have guessed could be there. Every part of me is addicted to every part of him and I don’t know how to live without that.
I start to get up to clear the table. Taking a deep breath, I raise my head and drop into deep pools of blue. His eyes are fixed on me, staring into my soul. Barely contained rage rolls off his body in waves. I’ve never been afraid of Ian but in this moment, I am. His jaw grinds back and forth as his hands clench into fists. God, what have I done? Maybe the secrets were better. Better for who? No, they need to know and if this is how he feels now then I need to know that too.
Without a word, I begin picking up plates and taking them to the kitchen. Ian doesn’t move but his gaze doesn’t waver from me. Once everything is removed and I have cleaned the kitchen, I can’t take the silence and piercing stares any more. “Dammit, Ian, fucking talk to me. Yell at me. Punch me. Do whatever it is you want to do. Anything at this point would be better than your silent hatred. I know I have no right to ask you for anything after everything I’ve done but if you really love me you’ll talk to me now.”
His chair crashes into the wall; I know if I look I will see a hole in the wall and a shattered chair. My fear is palpable and I can’t bring my eyes up from the floor. I told him to do whatever he wanted so I brace myself for what’s coming. Two strong hands grip my arms but not hard enough to be painful. “Look at me, Lauren.” When I make no move to look up, his voice gets louder. “Dammit, look at me.” I hear muttering in the living room and know that three heads have turned to watch our exchange. I hope you all get your monies worth, I think bitterly as I raise my defiant eyes to meet his angry ones.
“I am not fucking Dean and you will never compare us again even in your head. You will never again think I would ever even think of hurting you in that way let alone actually do it.” I start to shake my head in denial. “No, I know exactly what you were thinking. It was written all over your face and in your posture. You looked like someone had already beaten you.” He gives me a slight shake as his voice softens. “Come back to me, sweetheart. It’s just you and me remember. I don’t want him in our relationship and I don’t think you do either. Please, Lauren. I need you.” He kisses my hair.
“But you are so angry.” My voice quivers with each word.
“You think that anger is for you, sweetheart? There is no way I could be angry with you. You are my brave, courageous girl. I didn’t think it was possible but I admire and love you even more after what you just told us.” I feel myself relax and his arms come around me to support me. “Lauren, I want to rip every limb from his body. I want to kill him. And I do not mean that metaphorically. If I had known all of this when he was here few weeks ago you would be visiting me in jail and I would be perfectly happy with the situation. Well, except for the fact that I wouldn’t get to touch you.” He smiles down at me.
Simultaneously three throats clear from the living room. “Alright stop looking at my roommate like you want to eat her.” Gavin grins wickedly.
“Your roommate?” Ian says indignantly.
“Well, yes she is living here with me.” Gavin snorts in retort.
“In that case, maybe Lauren and I s
hould get our own place. I happen to know that the penthouse here will be vacant in a few weeks perhaps we should move up there.” I try to smile at my two favorite boys as they battle over who gets their favorite toy.
“Enough, or I won’t live with either of you.” I look from one to the other.
“Way to put them in their place, dear. Now do you have more wine in this place.” Marlene goes to search the wine fridge and comes back with a bottle of pinot grigio. I move over and sit in Ian’s lap as he has made his way to one of the wing back chairs.
“Ian, you don’t really mind living here with Gavin do you? I mean I get that we need separation from work but I would be fine moving in there if you are uncomfortable here.”
“Oh no, sweetheart. It’s not that at all. I love staying here. I just feel like an intruder. This is Gavin’s home and I don’t want to take advantage of anyone.”
“I wouldn’t dream of separating the two of you now.” Gavin pauses and I pick up the wine glass Marlene has just poured for me. “But if I have to listen to the two of you in bed I will be forced to make you move out.” The wine that was in my mouth leaves immediately and covers Ian’s face and shirt.
“Gavin!” I shout at him. “Ian’s mother and sister are here. Could you please show some courtesy and have some manners around them?” Claire just grins and looks down at her wine glass. Marlene waves me off with the flick of her wrist.
“Dear, I know how things work and if you are going to make me a grandma I know what has to happen. So I guess Gavin will just have to buy some ear plugs.” She takes large drink of her wine and turns her attention to her son. “I hope you don’t make me wait too long.”
“Mother,” Ian begins but Claire cuts him off, bringing us back to conversation from earlier but I am grateful for the change in subject none the less.
“Lauren, I know this must difficult for you to talk about and I can only imagine what you went through but I’m afraid there’s something that I don’t understand.”
