by Anne Conley
“Oh God, Jason…” He looked at her face around his mouthful of heaven and saw a rapturous look on it as she threw her head back and moaned.
“Do you want me to untie you? Is this okay?” She looked at him, her lip stuck between her teeth and nodded. Eagerly, he reached around and untied the knot he’d made in the cloth and freed her hands, which immediately went to his hair, pulling him closer.
“You make me feel so good…”
“That’s the idea, baby.” Jason muttered while his hands fumbled with the snap of her pants. When her hands went to the buckle of his belt, he stilled them. Everything inside him told him to let her continue, but his sense won out. “I didn’t come here for that. You want to make love, we’ll have to go find a bed. I’m not nineteen anymore. I don’t make love on pine needles.”
She stopped as if she’d been doused with cold water and sat up, pulling her shirt down. “I don’t want to have sex here. I’m sorry.”
Jason sensed he’d fucked up again. “Don’t apologize. I brought you here to kiss you and make you feel good. I want you to know you’re mine. For whatever reason, you’ve got this wall up around you and won’t let me in. I brought you here to climb that wall.” He grabbed her hand. “You don’t have to do anything. Just let me make you feel good.” He leaned in to kiss her again, make her forget whatever he’d said that put a damper on her amorous mood. But she pushed him away.
Standing, she brushed her hand through her hair. “I’m pregnant, Jason.”
He watched her pace, trying in vain to process the words she’d said. “What?”
Renae turned to face him, her gray eyes fiery. “I’m pregnant. I wasn’t on the pill. You never used a condom. I’m pregnant.”
Still trying to comprehend her words, he said the ultimate wrong thing. “It’s mine?”
The fire in her eyes exploded. “Of course it’s yours. Up until that night, my vagina had cobwebs growing on it. Not only did you clear them out, but I can’t even keep the thing dry when you’re around. First sex I’ve had in eight years, and boom. I get knocked up.” She turned and started pacing, muttering to herself. All he could make out was, “is it his… mother-fucker…”
Tears were streaking down her face and Jason felt a twinge of guilt for being the cause of that. Then he did the math.
“How long have you known?”
“Two months.” She was still pacing, but now Jason was up.
“You’ve known about this for two months, and you’re just now telling me? Who else knows?”
“My mom and Alyssa figured it out, and I told Kelly yesterday.”
Two months. She was pregnant. Renae had been pregnant for over two months. He missed the first doctor’s appointments, he’d missed hearing the first heartbeats. Could she feel the baby move? What else had he missed? All the time they’d spent together, and she hadn’t told him. He looked back at her. She’d stopped pacing and was watching him warily. “How could you?”
“What?”
“What? What?!” His voice was rising. “How could you spend all that time with me and not say anything? You’d quit drinking but never thought to tell me why?” And apparently, she wasn’t going to tell him initially. She’d never called him after that night and hadn’t intended to, either. He felt like a tool, one that had been used and left outside to rust.
“I didn’t know how to say it!” She’d stood, throwing her hands into the air in exasperation, but he didn’t care. Jason was pacing back and forth, his mind whirling, while Renae stood, watching him, wringing her hands together. “It never was the right time, and then I couldn’t figure out what to say…”
He snapped. “Easy! You say, Jason I’m pregnant. Better yet, you could have answered your fucking phone the first six times I called you and said, “Oopsie! I forgot something. I could be pregnant!” All those things you left unsaid, Renae. All of it!” Rage fired him up.
“I thought you were going back to Houston. I thought your life was there! I didn’t know you were staying.”
He forced himself to lower his voice and stop yelling. But he couldn’t keep the anger out of it. “I will ask you this one more time. Did you know you were pregnant when we were at the goat farm, when you came into my shop, when we had dinner with my dad, when I took you out to dinner, during the hours of conversation we’ve had over the last month, have you known you were pregnant that entire time?”
“Yes.” He almost didn’t hear the whisper, but when he saw her lips move, he couldn’t help but break inside.
“Get in the boat.”
Furiously, he grabbed at the cooler and blanket, shoving everything else back inside the duffel bag. Tossing it on the boat, he shoved off, not looking at Renae’s tear streaked face. He paddled ferociously, not daring to stop. When he’d reached the middle of the lake, his phone rang.
It was Ruby, his dad’s new care taker.
“Your father’s fallen. The ambulance is here, and they’re taking him to Serendipity Medical.” The words made his already pounding heart beat faster. Now he was angry and worried.
“Thanks, Ruby. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
He didn’t speak again the entire canoe ride back, not trusting his words.
Before he started the motorcycle, he looked at Renae. “Baby’s healthy? Have you been going to the doctor?”
She nodded. “Yes. I saw him Monday.”
This brought a fresh round of anger. Did she think he wouldn’t want to go to the doctor’s appointments? He could remember Jodie talking about the first time he’d heard Savannah’s heartbeat. How dare she rob him of those experiences? Even if she thought he was in Houston, he still would have come back for that stuff.
He kick started the motorcycle and it roared to life. He didn’t make sure she was hanging on. He just shot out of the parking lot by the lake and took her back the shortest way possible. When he pulled up in the driveway of the bank, he didn’t cut the engine, but yelled at her over the rumble after she lurched off the bike.
“Why didn’t you tell me? What did you think I would do?”
“I thought you wouldn’t want me anymore.” He couldn’t hear her, but he could read her lips even though they quivered.
“You may have just gotten your wish.” He watched her shoulders slump as he backed down her driveway and drove off to the hospital.
Chapter 23
Jason did what he always did when his emotions kept him from functioning. He pulled his horn out of the closet and played. Fingering the keys straightened his thoughts, and feeling the notes coming out put an order to the tumult inside his head. There was something about making music out of all the sounds that brought him a peace he hadn’t felt in weeks.
It was nearly Christmas, and he was waiting for the doctors to replace his Dad’s hip. They hadn’t been able to do it because he’d had a low-grade fever initially. They’d run some tests and found a staph infection, probably from his first visit to the hospital when he’d broken the bone in his foot. This morning, they’d scheduled the surgery for next week as long as his fever stayed gone. After that would be two weeks in the rehab facility, and after that, Jason didn’t know. He’d talked to Jodie about it, and they’d agreed Jason would need to move in with him, but Jason wasn’t sure what to do with the shop. The second care-taker hadn’t worked out. Miss Ruby was a nice lady, but she used a cane to get around as well and hadn’t been much of a help to Joe getting around. He’d tripped over her cane, which was how he’d fallen and broken his hip. Miss Ruby felt awful, and Jason felt guilty letting her go, but that was how it was.
And then of course there was Renae. Three weeks had passed since she’d told him. Three more weeks of her pregnancy gone without his involvement. She was almost out of the first trimester, and he’d missed it all.
His fingers moved over the horn, slowing to a soulful rendition of a familiar song as he sorted his thoughts about her. She’d mailed him a letter, which he’d received today, and it brought to the surface a torrent
of emotions. As he played, the words he’d read over and over today came back to him.
Dear Jason,
When Cody died and I learned how it happened, I told myself I would never depend on anyone else for my happiness again. That was a lie I conveniently made up to make myself feel better, less inadequate as a woman, a mother. I depended on Kelly for my happiness. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. All those years I spent raising her, I never gave a thought to what would happen when she was grown and out of the house. When that time came, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I spent weeks discovering I didn’t like being alone, and I can’t sit and dwell on my own thoughts.
So when Les told me to go to the Gin and listen to y’all play, I was grateful for something to do with people. I was having a great time. I drank too much. My inhibitions were lowered. You told me you were only going to be in Serendipity for two weeks, so I figured I didn’t have anything to lose. If I screwed up, you wouldn’t ever see me again anyways.
I can’t blame the alcohol. I still would have wanted you even if I hadn’t been tipsy that night. I wanted you after I almost hit you on your motorcycle, if I’m honest with myself. That night was wonderful. I’ve never felt that way with a man in my life. You still make me feel like that: like a woman, truly desired and cherished. Something about you makes me lose all rational thought. Birth control never occurred to me, not once that night.
When I found out I was pregnant, I thought you had already gone back to Houston, to your life there. I never dreamed you would want to be a part of a baby’s life up here. I realize now that was a mistake on my part. I never should have taken that choice away from you.
Then, when I found out you were still here, I looked for ways to tell you when the time was perfect. This is my fault again. I just wanted everything to be perfect. Telling you after not seeing you for weeks wasn’t right. Neither was it right in a restaurant full of people. It wasn’t right during The Ring. I kept missing my chances, and the longer I waited, the harder the words were to say.
I don’t want you to feel like you have to marry me because I’m pregnant. But I would like to stay friends for the baby. If not friends, at least not enemies.
I know this letter doesn’t make it all okay. I know I’ve screwed things up between us. I just hope you can find a way to forgive me and be a part of the baby’s life somehow. I always wanted you to be a part of this. I just didn’t know how to tell you.
Love,
Renae
As his fingers slid over the pearly keys, the words of the letter flowed through his mind. He knew most of it already, and her heartfelt apology was welcome, but he just didn’t know what to do with it. It didn’t take away the rage that had dissipated to a dull anger. He didn’t know how to accept it.
A pounding on the shop door downstairs broke into his musical reverie. He didn’t want to answer it, but because of the nature of the shop, he was letting in delivery men and postal workers all day. So he laid down his horn and walked downstairs.
Of course, it was Les. He had formed a friendship with the man, one that had faltered a bit after Les had given him the black eye, but reformed with understanding and a shared crush on Renae. Jason hadn’t told him what had happened with her, and the concern shining in his eyes now told him he’d found out.
“Hey man,” they bumped fists and Les walked over to the counter to boost himself up. “James Taylor… pretty heavy, but it sounds nice on the sax. I had no idea.”
Jason didn’t answer. He just watched his friend to see why he’d come.
“Renae told me.”
“What did she tell you?” He couldn’t stop the sardonic sneer. Of course she’d told him. She’d told everybody else besides Jason, the father.
“That she’s pregnant and you’re pissed.” Les held his hands out in a peace-making gesture, since Jason’s hands had balled into fists. Jason figured he owed Les one. “She didn’t want to tell me, I sort of knew something was wrong and wrangled it out of her. And I was making fun of her poochy belly.”
Anger drained from Jason slowly as it was replaced with the image of Renae’s stomach growing fat with his child. He sat on a stool by the counter, and his head fell into his hands.
“I don’t know what to do now, Les.”
“Well, I know what I’d do. I’ve been watching all my friends settle down and have babies, and it would be like a dream come true for me, man. But she didn’t pick me to knock her up.”
Jason had felt the same way when she’d first told him she was pregnant. His chest had gotten tight, he’d swelled with pride and excitement at the prospect of her having his baby. Then he’d realized she’d kept it from him. Hadn’t trusted him. After everything he’d done to earn her trust, she’d thrown it back in his face.
“Hey, I know this is pretty heavy stuff. People y’all’s age having a baby out of wedlock, when most people are just getting into the settling down part of their lives, you’re going to be changing diapers and working out visitation schedules.” Les paused. “That is, of course, assuming you’re going to be around for the baby.” Something in his voice made Jason look up at his friend to see a steely glint to his eyes and a clenched jaw.
“Of course I’m going to be around for it,” Jason growled out through gritted teeth. He didn’t want visitation schedules. He wanted the whole package. But her letter said she didn’t want marriage.
He looked around the shop. How could he keep a baby here, even if it was just on weekends? The apartment over the shop wasn’t much more than an efficiency. And he would be moving in with his dad soon enough and had to find a bigger place for the two of them. Now it would be the three of them at times, and the thought depressed and overwhelmed him almost to the point of tears. It didn’t feel right.
“Look, man… I don’t know what to tell you, except Renae is going through a rough time right now. I can see it in her eyes. And it’s not the first rough patch she’s been through. She’s tough, she’ll make it alright. But what’s killing me is she thinks she’s got to do this alone. She won’t take help from anyone, and she thinks you don’t want to ever see her again. If that’s the case, then fine. Take the pussy way out. I’m not sure we’d be able to stay friends, ‘cuz I’ve known her longer and wouldn’t be able to not take sides in this one. Hell, I might even propose to her. But you need to let her know what’s up. Go talk to her, man.”
“Are you done?” The thought of Les and Renae married, raising his baby sent a shock of unwelcome anger through his system. He’d been so angry about a lot of things lately, and it was exhausting. Jason wanted nothing more than to go to bed, but he knew he still had to go check on his dad at the hospital, and the letter in the back pocket of his jeans was burning, demanding an answer.
Les’ face fell. “Yeah, man. I’m done.” He slid off the counter and let himself out the door. Jason locked it behind him, went upstairs to put away his sax, grabbed some stuff he needed and left.
When he arrived at Renae’s after checking in on his dad, the nerves in his stomach were turning to nausea. He grabbed his bag, walked up to the door and rang the bell. He listened as footsteps rushed to the door, and it was opened by a younger version of Renae.
The young woman was taller than her mother but had the same reddish brown hair, swept back into a ponytail. Her eyes were a rich mocha brown, but her nose was the same up-turned pixie-shaped button over tiny bow-shaped lips.
“You must be Kelly.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m Jason.”
“Hi! It’s about time I met you. I’ve been dying.” She gushed, openly appraising him as she held out her hand. He wondered what standards she was judging him by, but he let her look, grasping her hand in his and shaking briefly.
She opened the door wider. “Come in. Mom’s in the kitchen. You can put your stuff there.” She pointed to a spot on the floor and Jason dropped his things, following her into the house.
Everything was decorated for Christmas. There was a tree cov
ered in lights and tinsel in almost every room he passed to the kitchen. A small train set sat on top of white cotton batting on the coffee table. The fireplace mantle held an enormous nativity scene. Going into the kitchen, he saw a smaller Christmas tree as a centerpiece on the kitchen table, decorated with homemade ornaments for the twelve days of Christmas.
Renae was stirring something in a saucepan on the stove, not having looked up to see who had just come into her kitchen, and Jason used the opportunity to watch her. Kelly had led him in and disappeared, apparently realizing they needed to talk.
Renae was lost in her own world, staring into the pan, watching it intently as she stirred. He realized she was making candy, as she lifted the spoon to check the thickness before continuing to stir. Her hair was pulled back into a messy pile on top of her head and held a light dusting of flour. She was wearing jeans and a Christmas sweatshirt under her apron, a frilly green and red affair with ruffles and polka dots. He couldn’t be sure, but it looked like her middle was a bit thicker than the last time he’d seen her. Her bare feet showed off toenails painted a lovely shade of lavender. He caught himself staring at her toes and didn’t notice when she finally turned and saw him.
“You got my letter, then?” Her voice sounded thick, and choked, bringing his eyes to her face instantly.
She looked like she hadn’t slept in years. Her skin was pasty, and the dark circles under her eyes contrasted deeply with her pale skin tone. He nodded, his gut wrenching painfully, but didn’t say anything.
She turned back to her stirring. “If you’d just give me a minute and let me finish this, we can talk if you want. It’s going to be toffee, but I have to keep stirring it, or it’ll burn.” Her voice seemed to have returned to normal, talking about cooking, and he longed for the days when he didn’t feel betrayed by her. When they could talk about cooking and laugh about it again.
