by Anne Conley
“Cry? You deserve it, Renae. You’re going through a lot right now. Everyone gets to break down now and then.” His knuckle caressed her cheek, and she leaned into it, enjoying the warmth. But only briefly. She couldn’t let herself get attached to him. He wouldn’t be staying.
She looked down at her feet and asked, “The other night, after we were talking about the baby. You said, ‘I would, you know.’ What were you talking about?”
Jason’s brows furrowed in thought, before he licked his lips and took a deep breath. “Marry you. In a heartbeat.”
There it was. Those words. Renae wondered why she’d asked. Now they were out in the open and couldn’t be ignored anymore. He wanted to marry her for the baby. He’d never said anything about love.
Her emotions were so out of control, scattered everywhere like a bunch of pick-up sticks. She stalked to the fireplace. Her hand reached out to grab the mantel with the enormous nativity scene on it. “I don’t want to marry you.” Sure, being with Jason was amazing when they weren’t fighting, which was nearly always her own damn fault. But was there love? She couldn’t marry without that. Period. No matter how ‘fun’ Jason was.
“Of course you don’t.” He prowled over to her, taking the hand that was clutching the mantel.
“What are you doing?” She looked at his hand grasping hers and wanted to succumb so badly, wanted to give herself to him, wanted to know what her life would be like with Jason.
“I want in. Let me in.” He squeezed her hand before bringing it to his lips for an earnest kiss. He continued as if reading her mind, “I’ve been alive long enough to have seen many people get married because there was a baby. That’s not what I want, Renae.” His piercing eyes bored into her. “I want to marry you because of you. I would have wanted to eventually without the baby. I just need you to know that.” He kissed her knuckles again before dropping her hand at her side and turning to leave the room.
“Wait, Jason.” He turned to her and his eyes dropped to her hands, twisting around each other in the subconscious gesture. What she was about to say was extremely difficult, but he deserved it. She opened her mouth and closed it a couple of times before taking a deep breath. Of all the people in her life, Jason needed this more than anyone. Her words rushed out in a stream. “I haven’t been fair to you, and I’m sorry.” It seemed like she was apologizing to him a lot lately. She couldn’t apologize enough.
Jason glided towards her as if she were pulling him by a rope. “Can we start from where we left off? We had something good going, and I still want to see where that’s headed.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him. She inhaled deeply of his aftershave, finding much needed comfort. She trembled at his touch, but his next words rocked her. “The baby is awesome, but I don’t want it between us anymore.” With his face so close to hers, he dipped his head and inhaled her scent, squeezing her waist. The coolness of his inhale, coupled with the warmth of his body near hers was a pickaxe, chinking away at her walls.
She laid her head on his shoulder, allowing the contact, possibly encouraging it. She could feel hope radiating from him as Jason hugged her, pressing out a whimper from Renae. Her fingers clutched his shoulders in a death grip, whitened with untold emotion. What was she getting into?
She didn’t have time to question herself further as his lips clamped over hers, melting her instantly. The tension drained from her muscles as the fight she was preparing for left her.
Renae swallowed her arguments when his lips crashed into hers. His muscles flexed under her fingers as he hauled her against his body.
“I want you.” He breathed against her lips between nibbles before sucking her bottom lip into his mouth. She could only groan in response.
She had noticed since she was pregnant that blood flowed to her lady bits at the least provocation, and now was no exception. Her hips ground against his, searching for relief from the heat searing her.
“Bedroom.” She managed to squeak out. Renae knew this was wrong, but she’d forgotten why. Gone were all her hard thought-out excuses, all the reasons he would leave. All the reasons she didn’t deserve him. All her doubts about marriage without love. Everything. It was all gone except the two of them together and how she felt right now.
Jason’s hands went under her rear, lifting her as he walked toward his room, never breaking his kiss. She wrapped her legs around his slim waist and let him, marveling in the taste of him, the smell of him, the feel of his zipper pressed against her core. Another moan escaped her as she rubbed against it, unable to scratch the itchy feeling in her insides.
In his room, Jason walked over to the bed and lowered her to it gently, burying his mouth on her neck while his hands traveled to her thighs, spanning the skin under her skirt, rubbing them slowly upward, dragging her dress with them. When he had it at her waist, his mouth was on her jaw line, branding it with heated kisses.
Renae’s hands flew to his collar, fumbling nervously with his button, unable to undo it, before going to the next one. A grumble of frustration left her lips, and Jason chuckled before removing his hands from her legs and ripping his own shirt off, sending buttons everywhere before pulling her dress over her head and lowering himself to her mouth again. Renae’s fingers traced the curves of his muscles in awe of the definition on his chest. With the lights out, she explored his chest and back with abandon, using only her sense of touch to discover his planes and valleys.
She could tell he was enjoying it, too. Hisses of air escaped his teeth as she drew her hands across his back as his mouth blazed kisses across her breasts. With a deft snap she chose not to think about, he had released her bra and removed it, grazing her nipples with the stubble of his beard.
A gasp, and she was pressing herself into his hips, unable to control the writhing of her body. She was running a fever, had to be, she was burning up from the insides. An intense pressure filled her core, and when his lips closed around a beaded nipple, Renae heard herself cry out. She wasn’t inside herself anymore, she was out of control, and she loved it.
Jason paid equal attention to each of her breasts before going lower, dragging his stubble across her sensitive skin and taking tiny bites between his teeth. When he reached the apex of her thighs, the heat of his breath over her panties was intense, and Renae could feel herself pool with moisture.
“Please…” was all she could say. She didn’t know what she wanted, only he had to do something. She was going crazy. She needed. What, she couldn’t name, but only Jason could give it to her.
His head between her thighs was one of the most erotic sights she’d ever seen, and when he looked up at her with a wolfish grin, she nearly lost it.
“I’ve been waiting for this a long time Renae… I’m taking my time. I’m going to make love to you all night long, make you come a few times, and make sure you won’t ever forget this.”
Aw shit. She was in trouble.
So slowly she thought she would scream, he peeled her panties off her legs, kissing the skin down one leg, then back up the other. When he got back to the top where her legs met, he gave her one last look, then dived in.
Renae almost came immediately. The feel of the moist warmth of his mouth on her quivering slit nearly broke her tenuous grasp of reality. He licked the length of her before pulling her bundle of nerves into his mouth and sucking. His teeth grazed it, and then he went back down to her folds and lapped at them. When his tongue settled on her clit again and flicked over it a couple of times, she lost it.
The quivering began in her thighs, running up through her core, to her abdomen, and then her insides pulsed. A long, low moan came from somewhere deep inside her, and Renae came up off the bed, arching and writhing, while Jason held her down and continued tonguing her through her climax.
She was on the edge of a canyon, and Jason was holding her tightly, refusing to let her go alone.
When she had come down to a mere tremble, he raised his head, eyes twinkling. The tightness of her womb
was distracting a little, the sudden rock-hardness of her stomach, but when Jason’s voice whispered with gravelly undertones, she shuddered with desire and need.
“Jesus, the noises you make. I’m so turned on right now…” He sucked hard on her hip, sending a surprising shudder across her skin before crawling back up her body, his heated skin caressing hers. Renae arched into him, unable to stop herself from acting like a feral cat. Her body wanted more.
She pulled his body down against hers, and when he poised himself at the entrance to her slick channel, she inhaled in preparation for what would come next.
But what happened wasn’t what she’d thought.
Jason gathered her in his arms, and inhaled deeply in the crook where her shoulder met her neck. She’d thought he would enter her, would continue making love to her, would rock her world again. But this? He wasn’t doing anything, and she didn’t know what to make of it.
Suddenly, the edge of the canyon receded.
“What’s wrong?” She managed to ask him weakly.
“Absolutely nothing.” He inhaled again, and the cool air against her heated skin was a contrast in sensations that sent her reeling again.
She gasped, “Then, why aren’t you…?”
He raised himself up and looked at her, his eyes a mixture of awe and regret. “Because I want to savor this. I know you’re going to push back again, and I’m trying to make a memory.” His lips found hers in a tender kiss of gently swirling tongues and suckling lips.
And then he finally, ever so slowly, entered her in one smooth stroke.
The canyon came back.
The feel of him stroking her insides took Renae’s breath away before she realized what he’d said. He stretched her, filled her, and made her complete. He kept her gathered in his arms, in a secure hold, while he rocked in and out of her slowly. She probably would push him back. What they had was too good to last, but she would enjoy it now, because it was all that she could think about.
The canyon came closer, and she was at the edge again in Jason’s arms, feeling his body against hers, holding her in his grip of safety.
It was unlike any other sex she’d had. Sex with Cody had just been quick and dirty, satisfying his needs only. Sex with the other guys she’d dated had been drunken fumbling. The first time she’d had sex with Jason had been quick and dirty too, against the wall, but he’d somehow made her feel special. The second time that night had been slower and in a bed but nothing like this.
This time, he was making love to her, and she could tell the difference.
“I could do this forever with you,” he murmured in her ear. “This is the most perfect place on earth. Right fucking here,” as he rocked inside her again. She met his thrusts, willing him to go faster, harder. Her slick folds were swollen again, engorged, and ultra-sensitive. She could feel him hit her over-sensitized clit with each thrust, but it wasn’t quite enough.
Renae strained against him, eager for release, but it wasn’t coming. Just this mind-blowing togetherness with him rocking in and out of her, holding her, and murmuring endearments in her ear. It was as if he were teasing her to completion, and she wanted more.
She looked over the edge of the canyon and saw how deep it was.
She tried to increase the pace by thrusting her hips up against his, hard. But he seemed to pull back when she did.
“What do you want, Renae?” His whisper was guttural, charged with emotion.
She wanted him to pound into her, to make her come, to end these conflicting emotions roiling through her mind and heart. She wanted him. “I want more…” She wasn’t sure what she was referring to, only that right now she didn’t have enough. She wanted it all. She wanted to jump over the edge with Jason.
He shifted up to his knees, grasping her hips in his hands, keeping them joined. The angle was different, and he hit a spot inside her that took her breath away. Never taking his blue gaze from hers, he continued his slow thrusts in and out. Each time the tip hit that spot inside, a gasp would escape Renae. His pelvic bone continued bumping her pearly nub, and she thought she would lose her mind with his tantalizing pace.
She felt the slow climb, and liquid fire coursed through her veins. She was itchy in her skin, and she couldn’t stay still, but she didn’t want to move to disrupt the perfect position of Jason inside her. Clawing frantically at the sheets, Renae gritted her teeth against the sensations overwhelming her.
“God!” He seemed to be coming to the end of his own rope as his thrusts got harder, and Renae lost all control of herself again. “Jason!” she screamed as his pelvis hit her pearl while he slammed into that spot inside and all of her cells short circuited. Spasms wracked her body, and his name turned to a whimpering moan as she was suddenly unable to draw a breath.
Together, they jumped over the rim of the canyon. And it was beautiful.
Somewhere during it all, Jason must have climaxed because the next thing she knew, he was curled up around her, holding her in a tight embrace. His ragged breathing against her back enveloped her in a cocoon she never wanted to leave.
“I can’t tell you how amazing you are.” He planted a kiss on her shoulder with the words and Renae felt a shiver run up her spine.
Did he really mean it? She wanted to believe him so badly because she had to admit it. Despite her best intentions, she’d fallen for him.
Chapter 27
Renae woke up in the unfamiliar position of being in a strange bed with Jason’s arm draped over her. When she thought about it, she realized she was in her guest bed. She looked at Jason’s face, serene in the repose of sleep. Tracing her finger lightly over the scar that led up to his hair line, she smiled as his brow furrowed at the movement.
Renae felt so good, so content, so decadent, lying here in Jason’s arms in his bed. And that scared the hell out of her. What right did she have to a life happiness beyond what she already had? Kelly was enough, wasn’t she? Everyone kept telling her to be happy. She was happy, wasn’t she?
He said he wanted to marry her. How in the hell did he know that? He’d never told her he loved her, even. How could she marry a guy who never said that? Renae couldn’t do a marriage without love, just for a baby. She didn’t know what she wanted. She barely even felt like she knew him.
She had no idea about a lot of things when it came to Jason. Did he like apple pie? What was his favorite color? So many things to know, and here he was sleeping soundly next to her, the father of her baby.
Of course that thought brought to mind memories of the father of her other baby, Cody. There was really no way to compare the two, but Renae couldn’t stop her mind from drawing comparisons nonetheless. Cody didn’t spend much time with his parents and certainly wouldn’t have changed his own lifestyle to take care of them. The two men were polar opposites in bed. Where Jason seemed to make sure she was satisfied, Cody hadn’t ever cared. In fact, he’d practically stopped touching her at all when she’d gotten visibly pregnant with Kelly. Jason cared what she ate, how she took care of her body, helped around the house. Sure it could all be because of the baby, but Cody had never done anything like that. He never even knew where she kept the dishwashing detergent, much less helped her load the dishwasher.
And then there was the issue of control. Cody had micromanaged every aspect of her life: who she spent time with, how much money she spent, what she did in her leisure time, how she kept the house. Jason moved in and dictated her eating habits and made sure she didn’t lift heavy things, but that was all for the baby, wasn’t it? He wasn’t like Cody was. At least not now. Who’s to say if they got married that it wouldn’t all change, like life with Cody had?
It was all so many unknowns. She thought she might love Jason. She certainly felt deep feelings for him. She could see them turning to love if she’d let them. But he’d never said the words to her, and she wasn’t going to change her life based on hope. She’d done that before, and it had been nearly disastrous.
Jason snored softly beside
her, and she couldn’t keep from living the little fantasy of marrying him and living here with him instead of Cody. Of course, it would all be different once the realities of a baby hit him. He couldn’t be that different from her first husband. The midnight feedings would wear on him, the endless diapers, the mess. It would all be too much in the end, and he would resent her.
So many reasons, but were they enough for her to say no to him?
As slowly as she could, so she didn’t wake Jason, Renae crept out of bed and grabbed the first article of clothing she found on the floor: Jason’s shirt. Pulling it around her, she padded softly to the kitchen.
She hadn’t quite gotten used to the half-caf coffee Jason insisted she drink, so she brewed a pot of regularly caffeinated coffee, hoping he wouldn’t lecture her. Sitting at the table, she sipped on her hot cup, blowing the steam across the top, lost in thought.
He said he wanted to marry her, but could she count on that? What would happen when the baby was born and everything changed? Would he stay? She wasn’t really interested in him living with her unless…
Nope. She couldn’t go there in her mind. Every time she made plans, her life fell to pieces. She’d planned on a happy marriage to Cody, and he’d ended up a controlling, cheating bastard. She’d planned to grow old with him, and he’d died. She’d planned to have a life alone after Kelly left the house, and her legs had fallen open to the first pretty face she met, and now she was pregnant, resigned to a life of raising another child all over again.
Her plans sucked.
Now, she knew Jason would figure out he was in love with the idea of being a father, but fatherhood itself would make him run. That’s what had happened with Cody. As soon as Renae had gotten pregnant, Cody had started staying out later and going out with “friends.”
Renae pulled the plate of cookies she and Kelly had made closer and started nibbling on them, letting the buttery chocolate melt on her tongue, trying to find solace in it.
