“Evan, you have been my best friend for five years. Five wonderful years. I don’t want to lose what we have between us. I love you, Evan. I probably shouldn’t even say it, but I do. I know you’ve been hurt, that you’re afraid to love, but I need to know whether you are capable of letting yourself love, that there’s that chance.”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling as if his whole future depended on what he was about to say. “I’ll try my damnedest. That’s all I can do. Will you accept that?”
Searching his eyes, she knew her answer. There was no other choice. She loved him, and she had to take this chance.
“You will try?” she asked softly.
“I will.”
A sob escaped from Charlie. Instead of feeling relief, she felt more confused than ever.
Chapter 11
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
What was he going to do about Charlie?
She’d been occupying his mind all week. A bevy of emotion had been running rampant through him, swinging from guilt to despair to lust. The actual depth of feeling he was experiencing surprised him. He’d never felt this way about anyone; never had he cared so much about a woman.
The guilt he felt had been present almost immediately after Charlie said she’d give him time to sort out his feelings. Though he’d known she wanted him to say something more definitive, to say in fact that he loved her, he could offer her no more than he already had. It was frustrating, but he couldn’t force himself to say something he didn’t mean, and Charlie didn’t deserve to be lied to. Still it didn’t assuage his conscience that he was somehow doing her a great disservice.
The feeling he finally recognized as despair sort of snuck up on him out of nowhere. At first, he felt elated that they both had stated their feelings about what they wanted out of their relationship, that they finally had come to an understanding. But after he took her home and he came back to his glaringly empty townhouse (Charlie seemed to fill a room with her smile and laughter), he started to ponder what had been said, how inadequate it had really been, how Charlie wanted much more than what they had now.
It quickly caused him to wonder how long would she stay in their relationship. How long would she settle for a loveless affair? The thought of her leaving caused an odd ache in his heart, a sick feeling in his gut.
From the beginning, he’d known Charlie had been brought up to believe in love and marriage and happily ever after, and had lived her life in that vein. But somehow, in the heat of what was going on between them, that very important point got sidetracked, purposefully ignored. He wanted her so much that he didn’t want to face reality.
Well, reality was now here. It was no surprise that she wanted love and marriage. Secretly, he wanted that, too. Charlie was a special woman – funny, warm, loving, beautiful – everything he could want in a woman with whom to share his life. And if he were to marry anyone, Charlie would be the one. But he couldn’t tell her that. She deserved love, and right now, he couldn’t honestly say that he did love her. He cared for her – yes. But love? He couldn’t say. He berated himself for that. He just hoped to God she would give him enough time to figure himself out.
The lust he’d been feeling for her didn’t help. It had been with him 24 - 7 since he and Charlie had innocently slept together in Iowa. It occupied his mind during his waking moments and filled his dreams at night. It just seemed to confuse the issue, making it hard to differentiate between his emotions caused by physical need and emotions caused by his heart.
It had been a week since they’d made love, the last time being after their dinner in the restaurant overlooking St. Louis. Since then they’d both had hectic weeks – he’d had several emergency surgeries while she had to work on a new software project - working late every night of the week. They had kept in touch via the telephone and e-mail and saw each other only once – when they had their weekly Friday lunch. When she got up to leave, he didn’t want to let her go. He wanted to grab her hand and have her stay there with him forever.
Now it was Saturday morning, and though it was past nine am, he was still in bed. He needed to get up, but his whole body ached and his temples pounded in pain. He tried to sit up, but the pounding had only become worse, so he lay back down.
He needed to get up. They planned to catch an early matinee and then have a cookout at his place. The house needed to be cleaned, two loads of laundry needed to be washed.
Closing his eyes and pulling the comforter over his head, he thought just one more hour, and then he’d get up.
****
“Evan? Evan?” Charlie called after unlocking and entering his front door. Closing the door behind her, she stepped further into the foyer. It was oddly quiet. There weren’t any lights on; the TV in the living room, which was always on, was dark. A clock on the mantle above the fireplace ticked loudly.
Charlie quickly made her way to Evan’s room, alarm filling her. Something was wrong. He was always ready when they had an appointed meeting time. Always.
Opening his bedroom door, Charlie peeked in, eyeing the rumpled covers and the lump underneath that was obviously Evan underneath them. At the foot of the bed, only his feet stuck out from the covers.
“Evan?” she asked softly.
When he didn’t answer, she hurried to the side of the bed. “Evan?”
She gently touched his arm. He felt warm to the touch. She put her fingertips to his forehead. He was on fire.
She shook his shoulder. “Evan? You’re burning with fever.”
“Hmmm???”
“You’re burning up with fever. I’m going to get you some Tylenol. Ok?”
Not waiting for a response, she went into his bathroom and searched his medicine cabinet. There was nothing but a dried up bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a pack of razor blades.
Not wanting to waste anymore time searching, she went to the living room and grabbed her purse, pulling out the bottle of Tylenol she always kept for emergencies. After getting him a glass of water from the kitchen, she went back in the bedroom.
“Get up, Evan.”
“Charlie,” his voice was ragged. “I feel like shit.”
“I have some Tylenol for you to take to help with your fever. Sit up now.”
Grumbling, he sat up. His eyes were weak, his face flushed.
He took the pills and swallowed them with a gulp of water.
He lay back down, letting his body flop backwards, as if he was too weak to keep himself propped up.
Sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, Charlie said, “How long have you been sick? You should have called me.”
“I woke up with it this morning. Last night I was fine.”
“Let me fix you something to eat.”
“I’m not hungry right now.”
“Have you had anything to eat today?”
He shook his head.
“Well, you need to eat something. Let me go see what I can find.”
Before he could tell her not to bother, she was out of his bedroom, headed for the kitchen.
Charlie hovered, wiped his brow, and made sure he sipped water all afternoon and into the evening. Most of the day Evan slept. Then Charlie stayed the night with him, not wanting to leave him alone. She slept with him in his bed.
Though they did nothing but snuggle together, it was like heaven to her. It was just as good as all those physically intimate moments they shared, but in a different way. The feel of Evan’s arm around her, his warmth, his cheek, with a day old beard lying on the soft skin of her shoulder, made her feel wondrously secure and very much loved by him though he still hadn’t said the actual words.
Charlie wondered when he’d say them. A prick of fear jabbed her. What would she do if he never said them? It was a disheartening thought, but one that could prove to be very true. She knew she couldn’t maintain the relationship she had with him now if it would never progress any further. She wanted love. She wanted happiness. She wanted a husband.
A family.
She wouldn’t settle for anything less.
Gently pulling Evan’s arm tighter around her chest, she lightly kissed his forearm hoping that somehow, in time, he would grow to love her as she already loved him.
In the morning, Charlie woke in dire need of a shower and clean clothes. Evan was much better, so she decided to go back home, change into clean clothes and pack a small bag of essentials and a set of work clothes in case she needed to stay with him again tonight.
She had to admit she enjoyed being nestled in his arms all night long. One more night of that would be pure ecstasy. But most importantly, she was worried about Evan. He was sick and shouldn’t be alone.
When Charlie arrived back at Evan’s townhouse, a rental car was parked out front in the space she always used.
While trying to open the front door (which was sticking again), Charlie juggled two grocery bags full of soup and Gatorade and a small overnight case. Evan really needed to get the door fixed. Pushing on the door with her shoulder, it suddenly flew open, sending her flying. She landed on her rear end in the middle of the parquet floor in the foyer.
Getting up off the floor, with nothing hurt other than her pride, Charlie straightened her clothes, thankful that Evan had not witnessed her tumble. He would never let her live it down. Out of the corner of her eye she saw something move. She knew it wasn’t Evan. The figure was too small. Besides Evan would be laughing his head off, sick or not.
Filled with a growing sense of alarm, Charlie turned to find a petite, well-dressed older woman standing there, her hand propped on the doorknob, looking at her curiously.
Eyeing the woman, all she could think was Who was this woman in Evan’s home? and Did she see me fall? Charlie knew the last question was ridiculous. Of course this woman saw her fall.
The woman, wearing well-tailored clothes, short blond hair, with every hair in place, finally said in a cool voice, “May I help you?”
Though feeling like an idiot, Charlie squared her shoulders and looked her in the eye. She wasn’t going to let embarrassment or this woman’s chilly demeanor get the best of her. Just as coolly, she said, “I’m here to see Evan. May I ask who you are?”
The woman’s right eyebrow shot up, as if surprised that someone dare talk to her in that tone.
Feeling a sense of triumph, Charlie studied the stranger’s soft, pretty features. Slowly, however, the triumph Charlie had felt began to fade as she realized just who the woman was. Immediately, she regretted the sharpness in which she’d spoken.
Before Charlie could apologize, the woman, her eyes narrowed and her voice haughty, said, “I’m Evan’s mother and you are Liza?”
The chill and displeasure in her voice was evident, and it took a moment for Charlie to register in her mind what Evan’s mother had actually said.
Why did she think she was Liza? Hadn’t Evan told his family that he and Liza had split? Knowing Evan, it was a good possibility that he hadn’t. He didn’t share particulars about his private life with many people, including his family.
Still, even knowing that, Charlie couldn’t help but feel a slice of sadness and disappointment. If they didn’t know about the breakup with Liza, they definitely didn’t know about her relationship with him. In her heart, she had been hoping that he was serious enough about their relationship to tell his family that they were now dating. Wasn’t that a pretty good sign that a man was interested in a woman?
Charlie’s gut started to churn, suddenly feeling quite sick to her stomach. She cleared her throat, feeling very uncomfortable and unsure of herself under Mrs. Collier’s cool gaze.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Collier,” Charlie said in her most respectful voice, trying to make up for the way she’d just spoken to her. “I’m Charlie Johnson.”
The petite woman’s eyes widened in disbelief. “You’re Charlie Johnson? I thought you were a ma…”
“Mother…” came a deep male voice from behind Charlie - a voice that wasn’t Evan’s.
Though Evan’s mother had been interrupted, Charlie had no doubt in her mind about what she had been going to say. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out. With Charlie’s face turning the color of an overripe tomato, the sick feeling in her stomach seemed like it had instantaneously increased tenfold.
Why would Evan’s mother think she was a man?
She couldn’t believe Evan would tell them that, but what other explanation could there be? Evan was their only link. It had to have come from him.
Charlie didn’t know whether to feel indignant outrage or deep hurt. But at the moment she couldn’t do anything but put on her best face. Evan’s mother and his brother, who looked just like him, were standing there, staring at her.
Evan’s brother held out his hand to her. “I’m Michael Collier. Evan’s brother,” he added needlessly, giving her an apologetic and slightly uncomfortable smile.
Charlie took his hand into hers, shaking it, giving him the brightest smile she could bring forth, though she knew it was hopelessly lacking. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Michael,” she forced. Under any other circumstances, she would have been delighted to meet him, but right now she wished she had never laid eyes on either one of them.
“You too. Evan’s mentioned you often.”
Obviously he left out a few things, she thought sourly. Standing there, sandwiched between Evan’s mother and his brother Michael, strained silence stretched.
Her mind wouldn’t stop whirling. They’d thought she was a man! That was humiliating enough, she thought, but finding out like this was total embarrassment. Evan had told them or led them to believe this. What that meant about the importance of her role in his life didn’t have to be articulated. They all knew. It was hanging between them like a piece of dirty laundry no one dared to touch.
Charlie suddenly felt very small and insignificant. Did Evan think so little of her that he never even told his family the barest of details about her? What must they think?
Studying her, Michael finally interrupted the uncomfortable silence. “We were on our way out to California to visit a sick aunt and thought we’d pop in along the way and see Evan. Our flight leaves tomorrow.”
Charlie nodded. That explained their sudden arrival, but it didn’t help alleviate the humiliation she felt. Determined to get through this nightmare, Charlie asked, “Have you seen Evan? He was sick all day yesterday and last night and wasn’t much better this morning when we got up…”
Charlie caught herself too late. Now they knew she and Evan were sleeping together! That was definitely not something one brought up in front of a person’s mother or brother, especially under these circumstances.
“We spoke to him briefly when we first arrived,” Michael continued as if he hadn’t heard her comment. “He went back to sleep after that.”
Thank you, Michael, for not letting your mother pounce on my faux-paus.
With their speculative gazes boring down on her, Charlie suddenly felt as if the walls were closing in around her. She needed to get out of there.
Looking down at the bags in her hands, she said, “If you’ll excuse me, I need to put these bags in the kitchen.”
“Let me help,” Michael said, grabbing her overnight bag. Charlie looked up and quickly diverted her gaze from his questioning eyes. She had no desire for him to see her hurt and humiliation.
Following her into the kitchen, Michael said, “Evan looked pretty bad when he got up.”
Charlie was thankful she had the groceries to put away. That gave her an excuse to move around and avoid the question and avid curiosity in their eyes. “I’ve been making sure that he’s been eating and drinking. I brought him some more soup. His fever still hasn’t broken, but I’ve been keeping it down with Tylenol.”
“It’s good to know that Evan’s been so well taken care of.”
Charlie looked up to see Evan’s mother standing there. At first, she didn’t know how to take the statement. Was she being sarcastic? Was she d
isapproving of their relationship? But the smile, filled with approval and sincerity, on his mother’s face told her differently. Charlie felt instant warmth from her. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, she longed for her own mother. She longed for the warmth and comfort and support only a mother could give.
“We’ve been friends for quite a while, Mrs. Collier, and he would do the same thing for me.” Charlie’s voice had warmed though inside she felt cold, like an iceberg. However hurt she was, she wasn’t going to be rude to his family because of what he had done. She was above that.
Wanting to get away as soon as she could, she quickly put the cans of soup and box of crackers she had purchased in the cupboard and then put a jug of Gatorade in the fridge.
When she finished, she turned to find Evan’s mother and brother watching her. She suddenly wondered if her shirt had a big bleach stain on it or maybe she hadn’t smoothed out her makeup enough and she was walking around with big splotches on her face. Whatever the reason, they continued to watch her.
Giving a nervous smile, she picked up her keys and purse.
“It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Collier, Michael.”
“Please don’t go on account of us, Charlie.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Collier, but I have some errands to run. When Evan wakes up, tell him I stopped by.”
Moving out of the kitchen, Michael’s voice stopped her. “Charlie, do you need your bag?”
Looking over her shoulder he held her overnight bag. “Yes, thank you.” As graciously as she could, she retrieved the bag and left Evan’s townhouse without looking back, choking back a sob. Their future hung precariously in the balance.
What About Charlie? Page 13
