“No, no, no. That's just bullshit! I wanted to be with you, and still want to be with you because you're amazing and I love you. I don't care if a hundred crazy exes are after you, or me. I would NEVER give you up. Don't even go there, Danielle. I've heard it before and don't want to tell you again. It's not your problem that your ex is a completely idiotic, fucking dickhead. That's his problem. Not yours, not mine, not ours. His. Okay? We'll deal with this. Eventually he'll be behind bars and away from our lives forever.” From the look in his eyes searching hears he demanded an answer back.
“Alright, yes I understand.” She said quietly. “I'm sorry I brought it up, again.”
He didn't answer. Instead, he lowered his face into hers until their foreheads and nose tips slightly touched. His eyes closed, breathing slowly, feeling her skin to his in an intimate fashion without the use of hands or fingers caressing skin. This was nice, he thought.
Seconds passed, maybe even minutes, before he opened his eyes back up slowly and peeked straight into hers.
“I'm in this for the long run, you know.”
He said it so softly she barely heard him through the bandage covering her ear. A lingering kiss on her lips sealed his words, along with a soft nudge of his nose onto hers. He kissed her lips tenderly once more before he moved himself back up into sitting position, still right next to her on the bed.
“I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I wish you didn't see me as this 'victim'. I used to be so strong and then some shit like this happens. Around him, all my strength disappears.” She didn't dare to look him in the eyes.
“Hey babe.” He answered softly, putting his hands on either side of her body, making sure she got his point and the meaning of all he wanted to tell her.
“First of all, no one could ever in their wildest imagination assume this would happen to you, or to us, and secondly, I know you're strong and I have never doubted that. And...” He hesitated as if slightly embarrassed. “In some way I like taking care of you... I don't mind that you have to lean on me for support in things. To be honest, that's kind of what I like. You in need of me.” A shy smile spread over his face, and for once he was the one to look away.
“You've been through shit and I've been through shit. We both have crazy idiot exes who either stalk us and use violence, or simply cheat on you. Big time. You know what I'm talking about. Perhaps that's why I like being needed. By you. I simply don't mind.”
The memory of his ex-girlfriend running off for a few nights of mindless sex with one of his co-workers, while he was out of town, came rushing back. Yeah, they both had exes no one could be proud over. Perhaps that's why the two of them worked so well together? They both knew what they didn't want in a relationship. They both knew what didn't work. Perhaps one had to experience some douches and imbeciles, and some turbulent events, to truly know when the right thing hit you with force.
“Thanks for letting me be needy.” Her smile was small but meaningful. And for a few seconds, they just stared into each other's eyes in utter content. The feeling of knowing someone to their very core and accepting them was the most euphoric sensation in the world. Unfortunately, the magical fairy spell couldn't go on forever.
“What is it?” She asked, as a shadow seemed to dash over his handsome face, wiping away his adorable smile. A short breath escaped his lungs, and with his fingers entwined in his lap he slowly looked up into her eyes.
Until now, he'd accepted the false smile on her face whenever she said that things were 'fine', pretended he hadn't noticed the pain in her eyes. He couldn't let her hide this anymore. No longer should this haunt her days, her nights, and her dreams. What had she lived with? What had he done? How much of this darkness had she hidden from him? Had she subconsciously harbored a wish of outside control? He thought.
“I don't know how to talk about this...”
“About what exactly?”
His eyes fell down on his fingers again, which were still twiddling around one another.
“Uhm, Brian said...you know, while he was...doing all those things to you... on the table, that...uhm...”
“What, Andy? What?”
“That you lost a baby? You miscarried?”
“Oh... I knew this conversation would come.”
She lowered her gaze onto his hands, noticing how nervous he was, asking her about it. He used to talk to her about everything, but this seemed to strike a nerve of anxiety within him she'd never known he had.
“Uhm, there isn't much to know really. I got pregnant but lost it. I lost it early enough to not even imagine any hope of becoming a parent.”
“Did you plan it?”
“The pregnancy?”
“Yeah...”
“No, not at all. In one way, I sometimes thought he would become another, nicer, person if a little baby was involved. Maybe his broken, narcissistic personality would soften up a bit, and he would start caring about other people than himself? On the other hand, I was actually a bit relieved when I lost the baby...” She quickly closed her mouth and shook her head.
“I know I shouldn't say that...” She continued. “It's such an awful thing saying you don't want a baby. But, in reality I think a child would have stirred up even more stress and violence between us. It probably would have ended up with me leaving Brian with the baby in a rush of fear that he might hurt us, but then he would put up a hell of a fight getting custody of the child. Not because he wanted to be a father, but to mess with me. He would have done it all with a smug grin, and a pat on his shoulder. Or, I would have stayed with him for the sake of the child, wanting it to live in a family with both parents, suppressing any evil minded idea and action Brian would take out on me. All in secret. Neither one of those two seemed like a viable option.” She took a slight pause. Looked down at Andy's twiddling fingers and wetted her lips.
“Although, I would have loved being a mother, taking care of someone. But I would somehow have died a little inside knowing I had to be a parent together with him. I would have suffered a little bit more every day until there was nothing left of me. With a child tying me to him, I never truly could have escaped and left him behind. I guess, what it bottles down to is... now don't judge me... I'm happier not having had that child with him. The shock of seeing a small, blubbery, red mess in the water at the bottom of the toilet was numbing. I felt unaffected, like it was someone else's little blob and not mine. In my mind that little blob left my body because it was supposed to. That's what I've always told myself, and that's how it's going to stay.”
Andy's lips pressed firmly together, forming a thin line of tense muscles. His head nodded back and forth in small agreeing movements, his elbows rested on his knees. His fingers had stopped fiddling.
“Did you guys not use protection or something? Did he want it to happen?”
“We did use protection. Not condoms, but I used a light birth control pill at the time. I had tried so many different ones, but according to Brian, the hormones in the other pills made me too bitchy, so he had me switch around to find one that would fit me better. Or, I should say, fit his taste better. I can't believe I haven't thought of it that way before... that he even controlled me through stupid hormone pills. How sick is that? How stupid was I not to see that? My God. I'm such a mess.”
“You're not a mess babe.” Andy placed one of his hands on her arms. Calming strokes went over her skin. “You just ended up meeting a really terrible guy. Don't dwell on your actions. He made you do them.”
She shook her head in utter surprise at the wakening thought she hadn't thought of until now. She couldn't believe she'd been such a pushover for years.
“I guess the pill I used at the time didn't offer a hundred percent protection, and somehow I managed to get pregnant. And to answer your second question; no, he did not want a baby. Believe me, he was, and still is, too selfish to become a parent. He was more of the 'hump it and dump it' kinda guy. No loving or aftercare in that mind of his. He just took whatever he could get.”
Silence stretched between them. Only the intermittent beeping sounds from the machines next to the bed filled the room. There was no response from Andy. He still couldn't face her, and kept his eyes glued on his own hands once again.
“You're so quiet. What do you want me to say?” She asked.
“Nothing.”
“There is something else bugging you. I know it. What is it?”
He moved over to the chair standing along the wall next to the bed, leaned back against the wall and placed his large hands on his thighs, looking her straight in the eyes.
“Is that why you're still using protection with me, you think a baby would mess everything up between us?”
“No... I...”
“Are you somehow still hurting from losing that baby with him those years ago? It's understandable if you are.”
“No...not really. It's going to sound cold, but my miscarriage wasn't more than some really bad menstrual cramps followed by a large blood clot coming out. It wasn't even a baby yet. At least that's what I'm telling myself.” She answered lightly.
“Aha. Or is it that you can't have children... we never really talked about this? We should have talked about this... we've been together for many years now. We should definitely have had this talk by now.”
“I'm sorry if you think I'm holding out on you. I'm really not. It's just that... well, my life before you was such a hurtful mess, that our time together, you and I, with or without children, have been such a blessing for me. I've been content with our life as it has been, as it still is. But hearing you say this now, it's obvious that you really want children. Am I right?”
His eyes were still locked on her. He nodded.
“Yeah, you're right. I come from a solid family background, and yes, I would like to have children of my own, of our own. But I also want you to be happy, so up until now I've been happy having just you as well. I've been waiting for you to come around, I guess.”
“Well, I guess we're having this conversation now so let's just talk it out and be done with it.”
“Alright, I'm going to put it straight out there... I want you to get off birth control, not put the IUD back in place, and see where that brings us. It's as simple as that. If you get pregnant, then fantastic, if not, we'll look into why we can't. What do you think about that? Am I being too blunt?”
“No, you're fine. I guess that sounds like a plan as any...”
“But?”
“But, I'm still hurting you know. In every possible way. It's only been a few days, it's too much to process for me right now. My mind hasn't had any time to think through anything that happened. It feels like you're rushing it...”
“No, no. I don't want you to feel that way. I just don't think we have any reason not trying for a baby, after this has settled and you're feeling better that is. I have a lucrative job at the moment, and I don't see it slowing down anytime soon, and you have your own business now.”
“Yeah, I guess...”
“I promise you. One step at a time, babe. I don't want to rush you at all. We're talking months, perhaps even a year or two. After all you've gone through I don't want you to think about anything else but recovery.”
“Then why bring it up, now, at the hospital? Not that I don't love you and want to have a family with you, but it feels like you're pushing me.”
“I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. It's just that... ever since Brian made the confession about you being pregnant with his child, and then losing it, it stabbed me in the heart that you decided to carry his child, and not mine. I mean, I'm a hell of a lot better of a person than he is, and we're married!”
“Alright, calm down!”
“Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest. It's been bugging the hell out of me ever since he said it that night. I wish you would have told me all about it so I didn't have to hear it from him.”
“Well, I just felt that it wasn't your burden to carry, and it happened long before I met you, with someone I'm trying to forget most of the things about. It was one of many things I didn't want to remember, and if I had kept the baby I never would have met you. I would have been stuck with a very angry, violent man forever.”
“It's still a pretty big thing not to mention.” He said standing up, hands on his jeans clad hips. “Promise me to never leave out any such things in the future. Please. If something is bothering you, or seems difficult, please, please, please share it with me.”
“Yes, I promise. I will.”
“Alright, thanks for listening. Again, I'm sorry for the awful timing but I just had to get that off my chest and hear it from you. It's been eating me from the inside out.” Once again he rested on her bedside.
“Well, now you have, but I would appreciate if we could drop the subject. I really don't want to dwell on it anymore.”
“Sure. Sounds good to me babe.”
He leaned forward and let his lips touch hers gently. Nothing more. Just a tender kiss between two people caring for each other deeply.
“On the contrary of us being somewhat okay, they still haven't found Brian.”
Silence spread between them. Danielle felt the lump in her throat build up, getting thicker and thicker. She swallowed hard. That meant she still had to watch over her shoulder every single day, never be able to fall asleep at night knowing if she had to use the baseball bat underneath their bed, or if someone would be waiting by, or even inside her car when parked somewhere.
“There is just not a single fucking clue of where he could have gone. Not a single fucking trace. No cell phone, no rental car, no rooms booked in his name, not even dogs have been able to pick up a trace around our house.”
She had nothing. Her mind was a blank canvas. White and empty. Until they found him, she would have to stay scared and tense, all the time. He still ran the rules in this wicked hunting game.
“The police are still looking for him and trying to dig up any type of information on him, but without any success yet, so I'm suggesting we change all the locks on doors and windows at home. Making sure I'm at home with you, or have someone else over when I can't be there. We should get you an alarm you can wear on your arm or around your neck, definitely one for the house, and you should unquestionably learn how to use my gun. No let me rephrase that: you need to learn how to use a gun. And I know what you're going to say about that, but guns are not all bad, all the time. They can actually protect you, and that's what you and I need until they find him. Solid protection at any time of the day or night.”
She didn't have enough energy to discuss her well known 'no gun' policy, and in her mind she knew he might actually be right. For once.
“That's a lot of information to take in at one time for someone hiked up on drugs, and a little out of it to be honest.”
The Morphine made her mind a little fuzzy, like all the pistons weren't firing as fast as they should. A small chuckle slipped out between her dry lips. She closed her eyes and leaned back against the soft pillow stuffed behind her earlier by the young nurse smiling much too politely to Andy. “Damn her for actually making it comfortable to lay here in bed.”
“I just want to make sure you're safe until he's been caught, or at least until we know where the fuck he is. I knew he'd been an asshole to you before we met, just didn't know exactly how violent he could actually be. Now I know he's completely out of his freaking... good damn... fucking...mind!”
Andy's fists were tightening their hold of the bed sheets where his arms were resting around her. She couldn't help it. A small chuckle slipped out of her mouth. “Damn drugs. It's not even funny.”
“What?” He smiled softly, watching her grin split her gorgeous, but beaten up face in half.
“You're funny when you're angry. You curse a lot. It's funny. It's fucking funny.”
One more slow breath slipped out between her lips until she couldn't hold her eyes open any longer. She slipped back into a peaceful sleep. Letting her bundled hand rest on Andy's.
�
�Love you babe. I'll be here in the room. Just letting you know.”
He could relax, for now, knowing she was safe and sound in the bed, at his side. No one but the nurses and the doctors knew where she was. No one except his parents was on the list of allowed visitors. There was no chance Brian could ever get to her here.
Chapter 8
Five days passed by at the hospital with numerous tests, answering more questions from the police, and a lot of resting. Andy never left her side. His parents had stopped by on day two, handing over clean clothes to their son, and giving hugs and kisses to Danielle. Making sure she knew how much they loved her, and how awfully sorry they were to finally understand how sick her ex was.
They even offered to stay at their house until Brian was found and off the streets, but Andy and Danielle kindly declined and asked for some privacy. Instead they decided on daily visits with food and to offer company during the days when Andy had to work. And if he had to work away from the city, they would come and stay the night. Being a hunter, and used to a rifle, she didn't mind Andy's father, Vernon, keeping an eye out so she could get some much needed sleep. Family always came first for the Drew's and she loved that about them.
With a face still looking like Stallone after a boxing game, Danielle was relieved to finally be walking through the front door of their house, having Andy right behind her. He carried her hospital bag in one hand, his other hand gently held its place on her lower back, making sure no side steps or mishaps took place on the way from the car to the front porch and inside the house. Home.
Beast of Venery Page 8
