I shook my head. “They just hit me with the barrel,” I pointed to my forehead.
Cassandra’s eyes widened. “Geez, Drew,” she said with a smile. “You’re indestructible.”
I half-smiled back. “Made that way.”
Chapter Eighteen
I stared down at the blue blanket that lay over my legs. It was a sky blue; almost the color of my eyes. I had specifically asked them to bring me the blanket I had been using in my tent instead of the white ones they had originally given me. I didn’t like white anymore. It reminded too much of the Institution. The blue made me feel like a real person; like someone who had a favorite color.
I heard the door open and looked up to see Marian enter the room. “How are you feeling today?” she asked me.
“Better.” My head hurt much less than it had the day before, and I was beginning to think clearer as well.
“That’s good,” she said with a smile, sitting down in the chair beside my bed.
“Still a little stiff,” I admitted.
“You’ll feel better soon,” she assured me.
I nodded. “There was something weird about when they attacked me though,” I told her slowly.
Marian raised her eyebrows in expectation.
“They didn’t try to get Beatrix,” I told Marian. “They were trying primarily to just get me.” I watched Marian, trying to read her expression.
Her brows furrowed. “They only tried to get you?”
I nodded. “At least that’s how it seemed...”
“Beatrix wouldn’t be in line with them.” Marian said. It wasn’t a defensive statement, just a fact. We both knew Beatrix wasn’t the kind to betray us for the creators. She was too involved with our cause; something you couldn’t fake easily.
“I know,” I told her. “I didn’t think that because I knew she wouldn’t ever do anything like that.”
Marian nodded slowly. “The creators must want you for some reason. They must want you more than the others.”
I was silent; thinking. “But why am I so special?” I asked no one in particular. “What sets me apart from all the other flawed?” Why didn’t they just shoot me?
Marian was staring at me with a thoughtful expression, as if she didn’t know what to make of me. “Maybe it has something to do with you not remembering anything before you were perfected?”
I shrugged. “You think those two things could be connected?”
“Well those are two things that set you apart from the other flawed,” she said. “I’m just thinking out loud.”
We sat there for a moment in silence; each lost in our own thoughts. “I wish they would just ... just...” I clenched my fists at my sides, trying to find the right words.
Marian just nodded. “I know,” she said quietly.
“I’m so sick of them doing this to us!” I said forcefully. Marian was quiet. “They’ve ruined our lives. I hate them for what they’ve done to everyone.” My voice was rising.
“Drew,” Marian said, but I ignored her.
“They’ve taken everything from me!” I cried, pushing back the tears that were threatening to spill out of my eyes. “I have nothing left!” My fists were clenched, and I was shaking with anger.
“Drew,” Marian said again, and I looked over to meet her gaze. Her sympathy was gone but there was still a kind look in her eyes. “I know you’ve been through a lot,” she said quietly. “But we’re all going through hard times. We’ve all lost people.”
There was a moment of silence. I just watched her.
“You have not lost everything,” she said firmly. “God would not let you lose everything. He wouldn’t give you more than you could handle.”
I shook my head, not wanting to hear this. “But He did!” I cried. “Why did He let Jessica and Michael die?” I was shouting although my anger wasn’t intended to be directed at Marian; she was just in the way.
“Drew they’re not—”
“They’re just as good as dead!” I nearly screamed at her. “They’re not coming back.”
Marian stood up. “Drew, you are alive,” she nearly spat. “You should be dead, but you aren’t. God wants you alive because you’re meant to do something, and you need to see that.”
I was shaking my head. “I don’t want any part in it,” I replied, staring down at my hands.
Marian frowned at me. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you have to,” she said sadly. “You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. That’s not going to help you. You need to deal with what you have and be thankful for what you’ve got, not what you’ve lost.”
There was a tense pause.
“I know it’s hard,” she said, “and after you’ve lost everything else, like you said, how can you purposefully lose sight of the one thing that could comfort you?” she asked me. Her voice wasn’t accusatory, it was just sad.
I was frowning at my hands.
She shook her head. “We all need something to lean on, Drew,” she said and then she left.
Chapter Nineteen
I thought about God. I hadn’t thought about God in a long time. I had purposefully trained my mind to block Him out. I was angry. Angry at everything. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I wasn’t forming thoughts in my head, trying to find reasons for what had happened to me or wondering why God would let it happen; I was just thinking.
Does God care about me? I let myself wonder. I didn’t answer the question. I just let it hang there until it slowly faded away.
It was a few days after my fight with Marian, and we hadn’t spoken since. Mostly, because I had been avoiding her. What could I say? We couldn’t ignore the conversation we’d had. It wouldn’t just disappear.
I left my tent and wandered off toward the building where Jessica and Michael were being kept. I trudged down the stairs and saw both of their heads turn in my direction to stare at me as I walked in. I sat down on the last step and propped my elbows up on my knees, leaning into my hands.
I watched them. They stared suspiciously at me for a moment before looking away. Michael was scraping the ground in the corner as he did every day, and I was starting to wonder if he was slowly going insane. I couldn’t blame him. Cells were terrible. I knew. Jessica spent most of her time just sitting there, staring up at the window in the hallway. From her viewpoint, I knew she couldn’t see much; just sky and anything that happened to be passing by from a great height, like birds or bugs. But it was better than staring at the wall.
* * * *
I sat alone in the large game room, my glance skittering along the spines of books that lined the bookshelves. I was sitting in one of the cushioned chairs placed there for reading. My legs were curled under me as I studied the titles. I looked out the window across the room and saw a leaf falling from one of the trees outside. It twirled slowly and gracefully until it vanished beneath the windowsill.
I turned my attention back to the books. I grabbed one and started randomly skimming through it. I barely stopped to read a few words before I would turn the page again. I didn’t take the book for something to read, but for something to keep my restless hands busy. I was flipping through the pages so quickly now that I barely had time to read even one word. They flashed through my mind and then were gone, replaced by the new one. Sincerely. Glanced. Where. Betrayed. He. Gone. Why. Love.
I slammed the book shut. I quickly placed it back on the shelf and left the room. I was breathing heavily, and I wasn’t even sure why. Thoughts of Michael flashed through my mind, and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing them to go away. Yvonne had also taken a habit of haunting my dreams and mind as well.
I shoved the door open, feeling the cold sting of the autumn breeze against my skin, blowing a strand of hair in my face. I reached up to brush it out of the way.
The flawed camp was surrounded by trees in every direction, and I ran blindly into the midst of them. I didn’t know where I was going; all I knew was I that I wanted to get away from here. If only for a minute, I
just wanted to get away.
I ran faster, jumping over debris or shrubbery in my way, pushing branches back as I ran through. My breath was coming out in uneven gasps, but I ran faster. I knew the forest was deathly silent, but it seemed to be alive and thundering as I bolted by. All I was aware of was the incessant pounding of my footsteps on the forest floor, my loud, labored breathing, and the beating of my heart.
I ran faster. I knew no human could run this fast, but I knew the newer androids could run faster. I ordered my legs to speed up, all the sounds suddenly humming into a wildly quick and frenzied scream. You will not beat me, I thought. I can be better. I thought of Michael. Of his laughing eyes and his beautiful smile, replaced by the android he had become. I thought of the other androids; the new ones. The ones with no heart, no emotions, no nothing. Not Michael, I thought.
I ran faster.
Not fair.
My lungs hurt. My feet hurt. My heart was beating so fast I thought it might break.
Not Jessica.
I thought of her deep brown eyes, intelligent, caring.
Not Yvonne.
A memory flashed through my mind. Yvonne and I as kids. Her eyes sparkling as we laughed.
I ran faster.
You’re perfect Drew. Perfect, Glen’s voice rang in my mind. Perfect.
“No!” I screamed, coming to a halt. The momentum sent me stumbling to the ground. Everything was quiet, and my heavy breathing seemed too loud. The silence was serene, and I felt like an intruder for breaking it because my heart was racing, pounding against my chest, yearning to break free. My breathing came out in gasps and I clenched leaves together in my fists. A sound escaped my throat; not a word, just a scream.
“I will not be what you made me to be!” I screamed. “I will not be perfect!” I was sobbing now, although I wasn’t even sure why. Tears were streaming down my face and everything hurt. Not just my head. Not just the places where the car had hit. But everything; everything inside of me; my heart, my soul, my mind. They throbbed and stung, screaming for the one thing I had pushed away.
“Help me,” I said; quieter this time, although it came out in a forceful sob. “God, help me.” I heard sobs and gasps for air that I couldn’t believe were coming out of my own mouth. “I can’t do it anymore.” I was shaking my head. “I can’t do this alone!”
I sat there, on my hands and knees as my crying slowly diminished and a sudden calm enveloped me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing. “Help me,” I said again.
And this time, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew that He heard me.
Chapter Twenty
I slowly walked back to camp. It took me longer since I had basically sprinted the whole way through, but it was better to walk; I had time to think.
Suddenly I heard noises and I knew I was close to camp. I started to pick up the pace when I heard angry and anxious voices. I darted through the trees and into the dirt driveway.
In the center of the clearing stood a large group of people huddled around something I couldn’t see. I quickly made my way toward them. One of the flawed turned around to see who was coming and her expression morphed into shock. I frowned in confusion. Was there a problem? A few people shifted out of the way and what I saw made me stop dead in my tracks.
I froze. Yvonne looked up and our eyes met. I stared at her, and she just stared back. She’s supposed to be dead, my mind kept telling me. I shook my head. But she wasn’t. A small smile slowly crept across my face. I didn’t know why I was smiling. All I could think about was the fact that Yvonne was alive. I didn’t even know if that was a good or a bad thing, but I knew that I had never wanted her dead.
I walked toward her, wiping the smile off my face in case Yvonne mistook it for some other meaning. “Yvonne,” I said.
“Drew,” she said, amusement dancing in her eyes. She acted as if she had the upper hand. Yvonne was good at her mind games. She always had been.
I turned toward the person who was holding her, a question in my expression.
“We found her close to the camp,” he explained. “We thought she was a spy sent from the Institution.”
I nodded in understanding. I turned back to Yvonne. “I thought the creators were going to kill you,” I said. I hadn’t meant for the words to sound so harsh, but killing in any sentence sounded harsh, and I needed to ask the question.
Yvonne looked away, and I was surprised. Yvonne was never the first to lose eye contact. Had the creators really broken Yvonne? Fearless Yvonne?
She shrugged. “Yeah.” She forced an indifferent tone.
There was a pause, and I realized I had never seen Yvonne this vulnerable. She was like a child. A child who had been crushed. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly. Because I knew what it was like to be crushed.
“I don’t need your sympathy,” she replied. It wasn’t a harsh answer, just a tired statement. “You need it more than I do,” she whispered. My mouth partially opened in shock. Was that regret I saw in her eyes? But then she looked away.
“We’re going to take her to answer some questions and then lock her up with the others,” one of the flawed said.
“Okay,” I managed to utter. I watched as Yvonne was led away. She was almost like a different person; a little less cocky and a little more humble. But maybe that was just because she had been captured. I frowned in thought. Yvonne was too smart to let herself be caught that easily. If she had really been sent here by the creators she wouldn’t have been so tacky. There had to be some other reason she was here.
But what?
I watched until they all disappeared inside the building, and I walked away. I headed toward the other house where Michael and Jessica were kept. If only I could talk to them; the only other people who knew what Yvonne was like as well as I did. If only they were still there to talk to.
I entered the room and walked to my seat across from the cells. Jessica was standing, a sight that caught my attention since she was normally sitting in the corner and rarely did she ever get up. At first I thought that she might be going off on one of those crazy programming fits but then my gaze met hers. There was something in her eyes; recognition? My heart filled with hope and I stood, frozen to the spot, hoping, praying that my suspicion was right, but not daring to move in case I might break the spell. Jessica’s expression slowly faded into a smile.
“Drew.”
Chapter Twenty-one
I stood there for a moment, shocked. Had Jessica really just said my name? We stared at each other for a moment and a smile slowly spread across her face. A real smile. Jessica’s real smile. I ran to the cell, unlocking it as fast as I could, and collided into Jessica’s arms. She was taller than the last time I had hugged her, and more firmly built. But she was still Jessica. I felt tears prickling the corners of my eyes, and I had the suspicion that Jessica was fighting back tears as well. I started laughing so I wouldn’t cry and so did Jessica.
“You remember,” I barely managed to say. We pulled apart and left the cell. Jessica nodded and smiled. “I don’t know why. I just—all of a sudden ... it was you.” She shrugged again and laughed. “I can’t believe I didn’t remember earlier...” she trailed off, but the smile still remained on her face. We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other; smiling and sometimes laughing. Suddenly she looked up and an urgent and excited expression on her face. “Kyle,” she said quietly.
I smiled. Suddenly Jessica was running, and I was running after her. I heard shouts from across the clearing once we had reached outside, but I quickly waved them away with an explanation of, “She’s back!”
I saw Kyle emerging from one of the tents, and at the sight of Jessica he stopped, his eyes widening. He looked to me for confirmation, and I nodded. He didn’t need to wait for anything more. Kyle sprinted across the clearing and so did Jessica. They collided into a hug. Kyle lifted Jessica partially off the ground as he swung her in a circle then put her back down.
Somewhere in the mess of hugging and laughing, their lips met, and I watched them kissing each other as if they were never going to stop. After a moment of watching them, I began to think that that was their intention. I tried to suppress a laugh, and finally, they pulled away from each other. Jessica was beaming and both of them were laughing.
I walked over to them. Jessica was holding firmly onto Kyle’s hand, and they looked like they might never let go. I smiled at them, feeling something in my heart start to fill up; a place that had been empty for too long.
“So what’s new?” Jessica laughed. Her eyes sparkled, a genuine smile on her face. I hadn’t even realized how much I had missed her; how much of an influence she was on my life. I didn’t want to cry, so I laughed instead. Jessica was back.
“We have a lot to catch up on,” I replied.
* * * *
“She must know how to fix the perfected,” Cassandra insisted. “She was a co-leader of the Institution.” Her eyes bore urgently into mine. We were sitting in her tent, her various tools lay strewn across the floor, and a lamp hung precariously from the ceiling, sending an eerie glow throughout the room.
I held out my hands helplessly. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “She looks like she’s gone through a lot, and I don’t even know if she knows.”
“Drew!” Cassandra exclaimed exasperatedly.
“You don’t know Yvonne,” I shot back. “Just subtle movements that she did today—she would never have dreamed of doing things like that. Something happened to her. I’m not saying I won’t ask, I’m just saying it might be best to wait.”
Cassandra heaved a sigh of frustration.
“If Yvonne is upset, she’s not going to spill anything,” I added.
Cassandra drummed her fingers on the table. I sighed as well. I was tired. We had ended up putting Yvonne in the cell next to Michael’s, much to her alarm. I had tried talking to her only a few times; not about anything in particular, just talk, but she hadn’t even said a word. For some reason, I knew talking to her was urgent. I didn’t know why. But something was coming.
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