by A J Jarrett
“This isn’t real.” Ethan sobbed. “This is just a dream.”
Suddenly Ethan felt the floor drop out from under him and he freefell into nothingness.
“No!” Ethan screamed as he came to, wrestling against the blankets wrapped around his legs. He was all tangled up and his shirt was soaked through with sweat.
Ethan kicked the blanket away and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He rested his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. He could feel the wetness from his tears streaking down his cheeks.
His mom’s words about there being a sign had Ethan getting up and heading to his computer. Once he had a flight lined up, he reached for his cell phone and texted Josh.
Reservations made. I’ll be there tomorrow night.
It was a few minutes before he got a response back from Josh.
Sweet, man. Now get the fuck back to bed, because I am. Remember the time difference from Cali to New York???
Sorry. Ethan chuckled.
It’s cool. I’m just glad to hear you’re coming to visit. Jensen will be excited.
Ethan got up and dug out his suitcase from the back of his closet. He was too wound up to fall back to sleep. The dream was too eerie and he wanted to get out of his room. Suddenly the large home felt like a tiny crackerjack box and he couldn’t breathe.
If the dream was a sign, it was one Ethan wanted to ignore at least for a little while longer. It wasn’t as if Jay was really in his dream telling him to move on. The stress of the anniversary of Jay’s death and his mother’s suggestion about him needing to move on must have put those thoughts into Ethan’s head. Because there was no way he could ever move on. Losing Jay broke something inside him that Ethan wasn’t sure could ever be fixed.
Chapter Two
“Hey, Uncle Holden, when did you realize you were gay?”
“Huh?” Holden dropped the spatula he was using to flip the hamburgers on the grill to stare at his nephew, Carson.
It was a Monday night at the fire station and Carson’s dads Noah and Skyler had brought him by while they went on a dinner date. Holden loved spending time with Carson and the guys at the station didn’t mind him hanging out. The captain wasn’t bothered by it either, just said if a call came in, Carson had to hang out with dispatch down in the office.
Holden had really grown to love working in Silver Creek. He felt like the town opened its arms and accepted him. But Nehalem would always be home for him. It was close to the pack he’d become a part of and it was also where Carson lived. Carson reminded him so much of Haley, Holden’s deceased sister and Carson’s mother. He didn’t want to miss a moment of watching the little guy grow up.
“Well?” Carson nudged him in the arm.
“Um, why do you ask?” Holden bent down and picked up the spatula and wiped it on his pant leg. He inspected it and thought it looked clean enough.
“I’m just curious is all.” Carson crossed his thin arms over his chest.
Holden looked down at Carson. It had been five years since Holden came to live in Nehalem, and Carson had changed a lot since he met him at the age of five. Now he stood looking at a tall, lanky ten-year-old boy with big blue eyes and shaggy brown hair with a slight wave to it, like his own. Before long Carson would be a teenager and Holden often found himself wondering where the time went.
“Did you ask your dads this question?” Holden turned his attention back to the grill.
“Oh yeah, like that wouldn’t be weird or anything.” Carson scoffed at them. “They’d make too much of a big deal out of it if I asked them and I was just wondering. I’m not saying that I am.”
“Understandable.” Holden had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. He could just imagine what Skyler would do if Carson asked him. Skyler would make such a big deal out of it, causing Carson to go straight just to get away from his dad’s advice on men.
“So when did you know?” Carson looked at him eagerly as if his very life depended on Holden’s answer.
Holden shrugged as he thought about it. “I guess I really realized in when I was about thirteen. All my friends were talking about girls and wanting to kiss them and it held no interest for me. I kept what I felt to myself because my dad wasn’t accepting of those who were different.” That was the understatement of the century, but Carson didn’t need to know any more about his bastard grandfather.
“So you hid it?” Carson asked.
“A little, yeah.” A smile came to his face when he remembered the first boy he’d kissed. It had felt magical, like a light had been switched on in his head, and everything seemed so much clearer. “My sister, Haley.” Holden ran a hand through Carson’s hair, smiling fondly. “Your mother, was the first person I told, then Seth. Haley said she had suspected for a while and was happy that I told her and promised not to tell our father.”
“Were you mad that you were gay? I mean at yourself?” Carson brought his finger up to his mouth and started to nibble on his fingernail.
“Nope,” Holden answered honestly. “It was who I was and nothing I did was going to change that. I got lucky that I had a confidant like Haley and a best friend who also happened to be gay so I didn’t feel alone. I’m happy being who I am, Carson.”
“But what if the person you feel like you’re turning gay for doesn’t like you?”
Holden snapped his head back around to stare at his nephew. “What kind of question is that? There’s no such thing as turning someone gay.” He stared in disbelief at Carson. Was this something that all ten year olds went through? Wasn’t Carson too young to be thinking about his sexuality? Holden knelt in front of Carson and took his hands in his. “Buddy, what’s this all about?”
“It’s nothing, really.” Carson pulled his hands from Holden’s. “I was just thinking about some stuff and was wondering if what I felt was real or just something everyone goes through.”
“Carson, you’re ten. You shouldn’t be worrying about this kind of stuff.” Holden pulled at his collar, suddenly feeling like he was being choked. His young nephew should not be thinking about things like this or sex. What the hell are kids watching on TV these days? “You are way too young to be thinking about sex.”
“Sex?” Carson lifted an eyebrow at Holden. “Who said anything about sex? Gross!” Carson gave a visible shutter. “No, Uncle Holden. I wasn’t asking because I’m thinking about that…” Carson’s face flushed. “That kind of stuff.”
“Oh thank god.” Holden dropped down to sit on his ass. He wiped a hand over his forehead. “Little dude, you almost gave me a heart attack.” After a few deep, calming breaths, he patted the ground next to him and Carson sat down. “Talk to me, Carson. What’s bothering you?”
“Like I said, it’s nothing, just a feeling I get around a certain person is all.”
“If I ask who, will you tell me?”
“Nope.” Carson shook his head. “And like I said, I’m not sure if it’s feelings like my dads have toward each other that I’m feeling. I think I just like being around this person. He doesn’t even have to say anything and sometimes he doesn’t even know I’m there. I just like being near him.” Carson looked at him. “Is that weird?”
“No, Carson, it’s not.” Holden wrapped his arm around his nephew’s shoulders. “Just because you like being friends with another guy doesn’t mean you’re gay or that you will become gay. It’s good to have friends. Hell, look at Seth and I. We are the best of friends and we aren’t dating or have ever dated. It’s human nature to want to surround yourself with people who make you happy.”
“So I’m not gay?”
“I’ll tell you what.” Holden stood up and held a hand out to Carson. “When you get a few years older and you want to kiss this kid, then maybe you are, but until then I think it’s safe to say you just have a friend you like to be around.”
“Gross.” Carson punched Holden in the arm. “Stop with all that kissing nonsense. Jeez! I’m not going to kiss anyone until I’m old like you.”
“Hey now.” Holden pointed the spatula at Carson. “Stop with that old business. Twenty-six is not old.”
“Maybe not to you.” Carson ran to the left as Holden reached out for him. “The burgers are burning.” Carson pointed toward the grill.
“Shit!” Holden ran over to the grill to save dinner.
An hour later, Noah and Skyler picked up Carson. Like he promised, Holden didn’t say anything to either of them about what he and Carson had talked about. It was personal and something Carson wanted him to keep just between them. And Holden was okay with that.
It was a quiet night at the station, no emergency calls or anything, so Holden went up to his bed and crawled under the blankets. He had one more day to get through on his shift, then he could relax in the comfort of his own home.
The Silver Creek fire department ran their shifts three days on four days off. Holden wasn’t mated to anyone nor had any kids, so he didn’t mind the hours. He liked being here and knowing that he was helping others. In a way, Holden felt like it helped make up for all the bad shit his father had done over the years. Sure, Holden didn’t have any control over his father’s actions, but Holden never stood up and did anything about it either.
Growing up the son of an alpha had never been easy. His father had been a hard man who didn’t give one ounce of forgiveness or lenience, even to his own children. His father had forced Holden’s sister Haley to seduce Noah and become pregnant with his child, then once the child was born, his father wanted to kill Carson. It was all madness. Holden could never imagine harming Carson, or anyone for that matter. He wasn’t a killer and that’s what made him different from his father. The only reason he stayed around after he learned of his father ordering his sister’s death was to keep his ears open for news on Carson and Noah. He’d die before he let anything happen to them. Haley died trying to keep her son and Noah safe and Holden would have done the same.
Holden knew no one blamed him for his father’s actions, but still he always felt a little out of place at times. Seth moving to Silver Creek and being close by helped. Seth had been his best friend since they were little kids and they knew everything there was to know about another person. He helped remind Holden that he wasn’t the monster his father had been.
The bed creaked as Holden rolled over. A few other guys wandered into the bunk room and got into bed. It was nice to have a quiet night without the screaming blare of the sirens going off. Holden wasn’t scared to battle a blazing fire, but after the awkward talk with Carson he just wanted to get some shut eye.
The questions Carson asked weren’t unusual, but Holden couldn’t imagine why Carson was worried about it now. He was only ten and had his whole childhood to get through. And even if one day Carson realized, yes, that he’s gay, he was born into a family that would accept him no matter what. Besides having the most loving and understanding dads in the world, Carson had the whole pack at his back ready and willing to support him. The kid was beyond lucky and loved.
Holden thought back to when he was younger and that empty pit of despair that ate at him when he realized he liked other boys. His father made it clear that gays weren’t welcomed in their pack and had even hinted around that he’d end their suffering without a second thought, and Holden knew him being his father’s son wouldn’t have made a difference.
A smile pulled at his lips as he remembered the first boy he’d ever kissed, Eric Parker. Holden’s smile grew and he rolled over to lie on his stomach, wrapping his arms around his pillow. The kiss had been rushed, rough, and awkward, but also perfect. It changed Holden’s life.
Now as he lay in bed, Holden would do anything to have that feeling again. The newness of falling for someone, that first kiss, hand holding, hugs, and the lovemaking. God, Holden needed to get laid. It had been ages since he had another man under or over him. While trying to get his life in order, he’d ignored all his body’s screaming desires. Being a good uncle for Carson and becoming a firefighter was all that Holden let become important to him. It had all his focus. Everything else took a backseat to him creating a life to be proud of.
A cool breeze slipped in through the open window and Holden pulled his covers up higher over his head and let sleep claim him.
The reprieve of no fires or car accidents to deal with didn’t last long. It had just turned five when the siren went off. Holden rushed down the stairs, followed by a few others, and put his turn out gear on. They loaded up the truck and headed out in record time.
The call came in for a house fire in the new subdivision Hills of River Meadows. The house was one of the big fancy ones that probably wasn’t worth what the homeowner paid for it.
“Ain’t that just a shame.” Ethan looked over at Brian, who nudged his chin toward the house. “To have a nice big home like that going up in flames.”
“Yeah, but that’s why they invented homeowners insurance.” Ethan followed Brian over to where the captain was giving orders.
“The call came in from the neighbors, so at this point we are unsure if the house is empty or not.” The captain spoke as he walked closer to the house. “Anders, Wilcot, Jarrett, and Folsom, do a sweep of the house,” the captain announced, and Holden started off toward the house, pulling on his oxygen mask as he went.
The sun had started to descend in the sky and the black smoke curled upward to put a haze in the air. Holden could feel the heat as he got closer to the house. He moved fast and the others followed close behind him. The fire was mainly on the west side of the house, back toward the garage, so Holden headed for the front door. He felt around but didn’t feel any heat so he opened it.
Smoke filled the entry but no signs of fire licking the walls or ceiling just yet.
“Let’s fan out,” Holden announced to the three other men. “Wilcot, you come with me upstairs and Jarrett and Folsom, you guys take down here. Once I get word from the captain we’ll clear out, okay?” The others nodded their heads and they took off.
Holden and Brian worked together, going down the hallway, calling out and banging on walls, but no answers came in response.
“It looks clear, man,” Brian said as he came out of another empty room.
The sound of something crashing to the ground had both Holden and Brian turning around.
“Boys, move on out.” The Captain’s voice came over the radio. “The winds picked up and the now the entire roof is up in flames. We’re trying to contain it with the hose but it’s spreading fast so get your asses out of there.”
“You heard the man.” Holden waved Brian to follow him. The sound of a distant cry had him stopping. Brian ran into his back nearly knocking him over.
“What the hell, man?”
“Did you hear that?” Holden bent over and listened.
“Hear what?” Brian moved around Holden. “All I hear is the crackling of the fire that is about to send the ceiling down around our ears.”
There it was again. Holden hustled down the hallway and opened the door on the right. It looked to be a child’s room done in blues and whites, and toys lined the shelves. As Holden took in the room, he didn’t see any kid. It was a Tuesday so said child was probably in school, but he still heard the soft whining noise.
The popping sound of wood cracking had Holden running to the closet but he didn’t see anything, then the sound came again.
“Fuck, Holden, we need to get out of here.” Brian urged.
Holden went to his knees and looked under the bed. Two big brown eyes stared back at him. He reached down and picked up the little guy.
“Is that a fucking dog?” Brian bent over Holden’s shoulder.
“Yep.” Holden petted the little guy’s head.
“Anders, Wilcot!” The captain’s voice shouted over the radio. “Get your asses out of there now.”
Brian and Holden got out of the room and down the stairs without any problems. They were met out front by the captain.
“When I say evacuate the building, that’s what you do.”
> “You can’t be mad at us, Cap.” Holden lifted the puppy up for the Captain to see. “We saved a life in there.”
The captain shook his head and laughed. “I guess you did.” He took the pup from Holden’s arms. “But still, next time I say move it, you better move it.”
“Yes, sir.” Holden saluted the man.
“It was a good day, right, Holden?” Brian nudged him in the arm. “No one got hurt and we saved the poor life of that dog. I think they should award us a medal or some shit.” Brian laughed.
Holden laughed and shook his head. His attention was pulled to the house as the other men still worked to put out the fire, but the early spring weather was unpredictable and the wind picked up further. Holden watched as the roof finally caved under the pressure of the water and from the weakening of the fire. Brian was right about one thing, it was a good day. No one got hurt.
“Hey, Holden.” Brian slapped him on the shoulder. “Me and some of the other guys are going out for a beer after our shift. You want to come?”
Holden tore his gaze from the black smoky mess of what used to be a house and looked at his friend. The smile on Brian’s face promised trouble and maybe a good dose of fun. Holden deserved to be able to cut loose every now and again.
“Sure. Why not?”
Chapter Three
“Ethan!” Ethan looked up to see Jensen running at him. He opened his arms and caught the man as he wrapped his arms around Ethan’s waist. “I’m so glad you’re here.” Jensen took a step back and looked up at Ethan. “I’ve missed you.”
“Jensen.” Ethan rolled his eyes. “We talk all the time and you and Josh were just out for a visit.”
“But still, you’ve never come here before and I couldn’t be happier.” Jensen grabbed his arm and headed toward the baggage claim. “Josh wanted to be here when you arrived but he got held up at work.”
“That’s cool. I don’t need a parade in my honor,” Ethan teased as they joined the rest of the people by the carousel waiting for their luggage.
