by Lila Munro
“Do you want to open it?” Liz took her friend’s hand and pulled her to sit on the couch with her. “I’ll help you.”
Madi nodded her head. She needed to know and now that she had someone with her, it didn’t seem as scary as it had when she was alone.
“Okay.” Liz rose and brought Madi with her holding her hand all the way to the giant green box. “Do you want me to open it for you? I will if you want.”
“No, that’s okay, just being here with me is enough. I’ll open it.”
Madi released the latches on either side of the lid and pushed it back. A whooshing sound escaped, carrying with it a cloud of the sulfuric odor that always lingered on their things when they returned from the Middle East. It turned her stomach and Liz covered her mouth and nose.
“Is it always that bad?” she asked from behind her fingers.
“Yes, I’m afraid so.”
Madi took a steadying breath and fingered the few items on top, then shoved them aside looking for the things she knew she needed to see. Halfway down the stack she located what she was digging for. She pulled the bound stack of letters out first and began to thumb through them. In shock at what she saw, she determined she had received some other soldier’s things. The return addresses were all wrong. Some other wife was still waiting because her husband’s foot locker was in her living room. Then a few envelopes down the stack, she found one addressed to him from her. She flipped back and re-examined the letters. Picking one up she opened it and read it.
Dear Gage—
I miss you so much. I am counting the days until you come back, and I can’t wait until you are finished with Madi and we can have our own homecoming…
She scanned through the rest and discovered it was signed ‘Pamela.’ Hastily, she turned the envelope back over—Pamela Dearing, her neighbor from base housing at Fort Campbell. She pulled out another one; it was from a Corporal Charlene Edwins, also waiting to give him a homecoming welcome. Angrily, she began to put the pieces together. Throwing the letters down, she dug through the box again and found an envelope of pictures and ripped that open.
“Madi? What’s wrong?” Liz asked, alarm filling her voice.
“Plenty. Maybe you should go, Liz. I’m afraid I’m going to be very poor company here very shortly.”
All the pictures were of him with other women and looked to have been taken on various vacations and R&R trips to Dubai. Some were on the pontoon at Cumberland Lake. Trying not to scream, she threw the photos all over the room and went back to the box. Where was his diary? She located it and thumbed through the pages.
July 7th
Hot as hell today. Went into the valley, everyone came back. It was a good day…
September 6th
Talked to Madi today. Get tired of hearing how hard it is waiting for me to come back. How does she think I feel? Isn’t her precious piano and that damn horse enough for her…
September 15th
Got email from Jared today…
She reread that.
…from Jared today—he claims if I don’t tell Madi what is going on he will…he’s such an ass, what are friends for if not to cover for their buddies?
Stunned, she sank to the floor and the diary fell to the hardwood with a dull thump.
He knew. Why hadn’t he told her? He knew.
“Madi, talk to me.” Liz squatted beside her and pushed her hair back.
“Jared knew,” she said lifelessly. “He knew and didn’t tell me.”
“Knew what?”
“Look around, Liz, tell me what you see.” Madi swept her hand across the mess in the floor.
The photo and letters lay scattered, a collage of a life Liz knew nothing of, but what appeared to contain something Madi hadn’t been aware of until this moment.
“Sweet, Jesus.”
Liz jumped up, grabbed her purse, and within minutes was talking to Jared.
“You get your ass up and get over here, now.” With her hand on her forehead, she mustered that authoritative Army wife voice she’d heard the other women use.
“First of all, where are you?” he asked groggily.
“I’m over at Madi’s and she needs more than I know what to do. In fact, I’m not so sure of what she might do. And just what do you know about Gage that would upset her this bad?”
“Shit! I’m on my way.”
Several minutes later Jared walked in, unshaven, wearing a pair of PT shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of shower shoes. He obviously had recognized the dire panic in Liz’s voice and was in a hurry to get there.
“Where is she?” He took one look at Liz and saw she was shaking. “What happened?”
“In there.” She pointed to the living room. “I’m not sure what brought it on. Gage’s box came yesterday and we were going through it, and the next thing I knew, she’s throwing pictures and letters everywhere, and she says you knew.”
“Oh, no.” Jared pulled both hands down his face. “I never thought he’d actually be stupid enough to leave behind evidence.”
“Evidence of what?” Liz demanded.
“Of his affairs.”
He went into the now-overturned living room and watched as Madi continued to throw Gage’s things across the room, ranting and cussing the whole while. Gretchen sat beside her whining.
“Madi?” Cautiously he walked toward her. “Hey, honey, why don’t you quit throwing things and we can talk about this?”
Madi whirled around and glared at him.
“You knew, didn’t you? How long, Jared? How long had it been going on?” Her chest heaved and tears streamed down her face. “How long?” she screamed.
“From the beginning.” He was ashamed that he hadn’t had the balls to tell her.
“For ten years. That’s why he had the vasectomy, wasn’t it? So he wouldn’t get them pregnant.” She pointed at the melee of photos strewn all over the rug. “It had nothing to do with us. It had nothing to do with Shannon. Well, I guess I should feel so much better that it wasn’t just me he didn’t want children with.”
All Jared could do was shake his head. What words could fix this? Gage’s infidelity and his own cowardice.
“How long did you know, Jared?”
“Since before he left the last time.” He hung his head and wished he could fix it.
“Get out!” She rose and moved toward him pointing to the door. “I said, get out! How dare you call yourself my friend?” Her voice caught and she began to sob.
Jared took Liz by the elbow and steered her toward the door. Before the screen shut behind them, Gretchen flew out, apparently quite rattled at Madi’s new personality.
“What are you going to do?” Liz whispered.
“Wait here until Rafe gets home, we can’t leave her now.”
For forty-five minutes Liz and Jared sat on the porch listening to her raging inside, screaming and tossing things around the room. Then she went silent.
“Should we check on her?” Liz started to move.
“No, not yet, she’s not done.” He pulled her to sit down again, put an arm around her shoulders, and rubbed her leg with his other hand. And the screaming started again. “Baby, I’m really sorry about last night, whatever you want is fine. I’ll do a big wedding, I’ll elope, whatever you decide is fine.”
“I’m sorry too. I don’t even care anymore, nothing could compare to what she’s going through.” Liz set her face in her palms and sighed.
Rafe saw Jared and Liz sitting on the porch long before he got to the driveway and concern overtook him. Had something happened to her in the night and no one had called? Maybe it was her mother. God he hoped not, the Collier women couldn’t take much more wrong in their lives. Speeding up, he sent up a dust cloud. He stopped short, slammed the truck in park, and bailed out, hurrying to the porch. He figured whatever was wrong, it was bad, as Jared and Liz both looked like they’d just jumped out of bed and come running.
“What the hell is going on?” he demanded, running up th
e steps.
Jared grabbed his arm and stopped him from going in.
“She’s gone a little crazy, Rafe. Gage’s stuff showed up last night and…well…”
“There’s more than that? Isn’t that enough?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t just the bills he was hiding from her, and what added insult to injury was I’ve known and never told her. She found out the hard way.”
“Go home.” Rafe’s face turned to stone. “Both of you go home; I’ll take care of her.” Meredith’s assumptions must have been founded.
Gretchen had taken up residence in front of the screen door with her head on her paws and her ears pricked up. Stepping over her, he went inside, hoping it didn’t look as bad in the house as it sounded. He found Madi on the couch curled up tightly in a ball, a shell of the person he’d left in their bed yesterday morning. Surveying the room, he discovered it was as bad as he had feared, worse in fact. Gage’s foot locker was overturned, clothes lay everywhere and across everything, letters and their envelopes were scattered throughout the room interspersed with what appeared to be literally dozens of photos, some of which were ripped into pieces, and the remnants of a book were strewn from the couch to the piano.
Madi didn’t really look any better than the room did. Her clothes were wrinkled, probably from wearing them all night, her braid was frayed and strands of hair were flying out around her temples, and her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. She’d needed him and he hadn’t been here. The military had taken him away for the night and he hadn’t even known anything was wrong because he wasn’t here. Was her well-being and sanity worth it?
Sitting on the edge of the couch at her feet, he just sat for a moment taking it all in. He pushed his six point cover back on his head, rubbed his forehead, and took a deep breath trying to find the words. Finally coming to center, he tried to rub her back, but she withdrew further into the cushions.
“Madi, tell me what to do.” He sat back and looked at her, wondering if she was in there somewhere.
“Go away,” she said flatly.
“Well, that’s not going to happen, so talk to me.”
“I can’t, Rafe. This isn’t your problem. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Madi, please, don’t shut me out like this. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I told you.” Her voice was dull and void of any hint of the person he knew she was. “I can’t talk about this. Please go away, Rafe. Please.”
She knew from experience that when she was faced with something of this magnitude, she was a very unpleasant person to be around. He needed to go before he found out how horrible she actually could be. It didn’t happen often. Normally she was the most even-tempered person on the planet, but she did have her breaking point, and after everything she’d been through and then to find out that Gage had been as bad as her father was, she was fractured.
“I don’t think I should leave you alone.” He leaned up, put his elbows on his knees, and laced his fingers.
“Well, don’t think about it then, just do it.”
He’d never seen someone turn into an empty vessel so quickly and completely. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been full of life and tenacity, laughing and joking with him. Now she lay here, totally devoid.
“Let me help you, please.” He tried to touch her again only to have her flinch.
“Why do you have to be so damn pigheaded? I said go away.” She seethed. “And if Jared hasn’t gone yet, tell him to get the hell out of here as well. He’s a traitor.”
Not knowing what else to do except heed her wishes he left her.
“Can I stay here a while?” Rafe stood at what used to be his door.
“What did she do, kick you out?” Jared had come to the door not looking much better than he did when he’d left their house.
“She thinks she did, and I’m going to let her think that for a while, but in the meantime I need somewhere to stay and being as I can see our house from here, I can make sure she isn’t doing anything stupid.”
“Come on in, Liz is making coffee.”
* * * *
After several hours of lying on the couch, staring at the mess, Madi got up and retreated to the spare room. She sat down on the smooth oak boards in front of another box and removed the things inside, placing them around her. The picture of Gage in his dress uniform, that had been set on the casket, the carefully folded flag, his beret with the 101st emblem prominently gracing the brim. Then she found a small box that contained his dog tags and his wedding band. It was a miracle those things had survived. The remnants of the man she’d believed loved her. The pieces of a life that had never existed. At what point had the train left the tracks? How could she have been so stupid not to have seen?
Blinded by tears, she opened the tiny box, then closed it and clutched it to her chest. She curled up on the floor and cried, and let go of the man she thought she knew.
* * * *
Late in the afternoon Rafe had all he could take of pacing, waiting, and worrying. He went back to the house and let himself in again. She was no longer on the couch. He found her in the floor of the spare bedroom with some of Gage’s things set around her.
“Hey, you doing any better?” Rafe leaned on the doorjamb and watched her lying there staring at Gage’s picture. He’d never hurt so much for another person in his life.
“Yes, I’ll be fine.” Her eyes were still dead.
“Did you eat today?” He crossed the room feeling helpless, his hands fisted in his front pockets. “I could fix you something. Or, if you want, I’ll take you out. I’ll go get whatever you want…Sing Lei’s…”
“No, no, and no thank you.” She took a tremendous breath and let it out slowly.
He was beginning to think that what he thought they had started to build between them was crumbling and falling down around them and he was powerless to do anything to salvage it. The reality that she might never let him back in squeezed his heart and made him feel sick.
“Madi, please don’t shut me out. I want to help, but you have to let me in.” He reached for her but she pulled away.
She looked at him, hating how she felt. Part of her wanted to turn to him, tell him everything, and let him help her get past this, while another part shouted at her to run. It seemed to her there wasn’t a trustworthy man on the planet. Her father, Chad, Gage, Jared…was Rafe lumped in the mix too, waiting to betray her? Her heart felt like it was being shredded.
“Did we make a mistake, Rafe? What if you die, too?” The panic in her voice was evident. “You won’t even let me buy you a ring, how do I know this isn’t why? So, you can do this to me, too?”
“A mistake? You think we’re a mistake?” His eyes blazed with hurt and anger. She couldn’t possibly mean that, she was just injured so badly right now, she didn’t know what she was saying. “Well, I don’t, Madison. And I’m not Gage.”
He’d never called her Madison before. “No, you’re not. I thought I knew him, but you, I actually don’t know.”
He knew nothing he could say or do at this point would convince her he wasn’t going to deceive her for years, then leave her to the wolves. Defeated, he returned to Jared’s.
* * * *
A bottle of wine and she still wasn’t numb. Maybe whiskey would have been a better choice. Her soul lay open, raw and exposed, sending sharp pains through her. How could he have done this to her? The cork on the second bottle made a hissing pop as she pulled it free. A few more glasses and surely she wouldn’t feel anything anymore.
Taking another full glass, she went to the French doors and swung them open, letting the muggy night air waft through the house. Her piano sat gleaming, begging to be touched, demanding to take her away from all that ripped at her heart. She ran her fingers across the glossy finish. Setting her glass on top of it, she eased onto the bench and raised the jet-black cover that hid the keys. Taking position, she took a breath, closed her eyes, and let her fingers begin to wander over the keys, coaxing out the not
es, needing them to wash over her and make her forget.
Rafe sat with Jared on his porch, watching her. She’d had a shower and was wandering the house in nothing more than a long, blue t-shirt. He knew she’d had way too much to drink and he had no intention of sleeping until he knew she was okay, but he didn’t dare go back over there yet.
When she took to the piano and began to play, he was reminded of the nights that CeCe would sit in front of those doors and make the keys come to life. Some of the happiest sounds he’d ever heard would waft out on the evening air. Madi’s song was more like a requiem. Music so sad it stabbed his heart floated out from the house. The feelings that plagued her infested every note she sent into the air. With her eyes closed, her fingers found their marks with proficiency and ease as an anguished look swept across her face. He wanted to grab her and shake her back into the land of the living.
Where have you gone, Madi?
Then just as he thought she would quit playing, she became more intent and tears streamed down her face and throat. Why couldn’t she talk to him? With a few intense strokes, the song she was playing ended, and she laid her head on the keys sending a cacophony of mismatched notes into the silence as her arms hung limp at her sides. Without any sort of prelude, she bolted up from the bench toppling it backward. Screaming, she grabbed the glass of wine and thrust it into the wall, shattering it, leaving a bright red blotch running down into the floor. She collapsed to her knees, folded up, and buried her head in her lap, sobbing.
“Go to her, Rafe,” Jared said, running his hands over his head. “She needs you, go to her.”
Rafe stood and began to walk. She could yell at him, call him names, hell, she could even hit him, but he was not going to sit by any longer and watch her go through this alone. He reached the porch in a few short seconds, walked through the doors, and knelt beside her.
“Madi?” He spoke gently and touched her shoulder feeling her trembling. “Come on, you aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” She didn’t move. “Come on now, let me in.”
