by Chloe Walsh
“What in god’s name are you talking about?” Sharon screeched.
“Okay everyone, just calm down,” Dee interjected as she helped her husband to his feet. She appeared to be trying to keep the peace. Meanwhile I remained frozen, melded to Cade’s side, feeling so much and showing so little.
Just like Master had taught me…
“This is what I’m talking about,” Cade bellowed.
Taking a step back from me, he locked eyes with me before reaching out and unbuttoning my coat. “This.” He pointed to my legs – to where I had torn myself apart with a razor less than a few hours ago. “This,” he repeated, voice haggard, chest heaving. “This.” Tears were in his eyes.
Sharon gasped. “Mackenzie,” she whispered, covering her mouth with her hand in shock. “What have you done?”
“I…” Snatching my coat from Cade’s grasp, I quickly covered my bare flesh. I didn’t know what to say. Tears blurred my vision. All eyes were on me. Everyone looking. Everyone judging.
Once again I was humiliated, but this time… This time it was at the hands of the person I had least expected.
Cade’s expression quickly changed from anger to regret. “Kenz, I didn’t do that to shame you, baby,” he said quickly. “I did it to shame them…”
“And what about me, Cade?” Emily suddenly demanded. Jerking to her feet, she marched towards us, stopping a foot from Cade’s face. “What about my pain? What about my feelings?” Tears were pouring down Emily’s cheeks as she spoke. “I am so sick of hearing about poor Mackenzie.”
Cade froze beside me, his entire frame stiffened. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Em…”
“Two years,” she hissed. “I gave you two years of my life and all I get is a slap in the face.” She stepped closer to Cade and I had to step back from them – it was either get out of the way or be trampled on. “Do you have any idea of what it feels like,” Emily carried on, “to be tossed aside? To be…dropped?”
“What do you want from me, Emily?” Cade demanded suddenly, eyes full of pain.
“You, Cade,” she sobbed. “I want you. And I’ve tried everything I can to keep you. I’ve tried everything and you still won’t stay…”
“That’s because I’m not a fucking toy, Em,” Cade’s breathing quickened as he ran a hand roughly through his dark hair. “And you can’t trap me. You can’t force me to love you,” he added in a torn voice. “I’m hers. She consumes me.” He paused briefly to look around, clearly noticing my absence from his side. When Cade’s eyes landed on me, he held out his hand out to me. “Come here, Kenz.”
My feet were moving towards him before my brain could catch up or my heart could contemplate how big of a moment this was for us. Cade was claiming me in front of everyone who wanted to keep us apart and I never felt more wanted than I did in that exact moment.
“Do you get it now?” Tucking me into his side, Cade let out a heavy sigh before facing our families. “Mackenzie Moore fucking owns me and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to change that.”
“Here,” my Dad said, appearing out of nowhere, breaking the moment, and drawing me back to the present. I watched my father march into the living room, walk straight up to Gabe McAllister and chuck a suitcase at his feet.
“What’s this, Mitch?” Mr. McAllister asked almost nervously.
“Turn’s out there’s a two for one offer going on right now,” Dad replied flatly. “Buy one wife, get the other one free.”
I stood motionless in the far corner of the room as Dad turned to Sharon.
“Mitchell.” Sharon’s face had turned deathly pale as she gaped at my father in complete and utter horror. “What are you saying?”
“I think it’s pretty clear what I’m saying, Sharon,” Dad replied without an ounce of remorse in his voice. “I want you out of my house and out of my life.”
There was no regret in my father’s eyes, no vacant expression, or uncertainty.
He meant every word.
“You can’t do this,” Sharon started to sob, but Dad cut her off.
“It’s not up for discussion, Sharon.” Stalking over to the living room door, he held it open with one hand while gesturing wildly with the other. “Get the hell out now – all of you.”
“You two are sick,” Emily announced before barging past us and out of the room. “Disgusting.”
“This isn’t over, Mathews,” Gabe declared as he ushered Kenzie’s mother out of the room.
The sound of the front door slamming shut, followed minutes later by the screeching of tires on the asphalt was like music to my ears. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding.
“You can’t just throw me out, Mitch,” Sharon shrieked, drawing my attention away from Cade. “We’re married.”
Dad, ignoring Sharon’s plea, turned to Cade who was standing next to me. “Take her out of here,” he growled, folding his arms across his chest. “Get her away from me… Get her away from my daughter.”
Cade glanced between his mother and me, clearly torn about what to do.
“Mitchell,” Sharon screamed. Clinging onto my father’s folded arms, Sharon wept loudly. “We can fix this…please, Mitch…”
“Cade,” Dad said again, looking him straight in the eye. “Please.”
I watched as something passed between my father and Cade – something I didn’t quite understand – until Cade nodded stiffly before looking down at me. “Hey.” Reaching out, Cade gently brushed my chin with his thumb, forcing a smile. “It’s gonna be okay.”
I forced myself to nod before quickly turning away from him. I couldn’t look at him right now.
I was so overwhelmed.
I remained exactly where I was, frozen to the spot, watching Cade as he all but dragged his mother out of the house until it was just me and Dad left.
“Mickey.” Dad held his arms out for me. His eyes were red rimmed and his expression was one of raw emotion.
“Dad,” I whispered, wrapping my arms around his waist, holding on for dear life, afraid that at any moment he would come to his senses and remember what I was. I couldn’t begin to understand or describe the multitude of emotions that raged through me when my father’s arms enveloped me, swathing me in a blanket of comfort I hadn’t felt since childhood.
“I’m on your side, Mickey,” Dad finally whispered. With his arm wrapped around my shoulder, he led us over to the couch. “I am on your side,” he repeated slowly when we were sitting, enunciating every word. “Not Emily’s and certainly not Sharon’s or Cade’s. Yours. Only ever yours. Always.”
“How can you say that?” I whispered. Tears filled my eyes and a slither of warmth forced its way through the cracks of my frozen heart. “Why?”
“Because you are my number one,” Dad replied, squeezing my hand. “And you deserve to know that. You deserve to know that you are loved, Mickey, to know that you are somebody’s number one and I am so sorry that you were made feel the way you’ve been feeling.” His voice hitched. “I am so… sorry you felt like you were backed so far into a corner you’re only option was…” He didn’t finish his sentence.
“I wasn’t trying to kill myself tonight, Dad,” I blurted out, suddenly desperate to comfort my father, and it wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t entirely true either, but it was all I had. I didn’t know why I had done what I had, only that it felt easier dealing with the pain and the blood. “I was just trying to…cope.” I was used to dealing with the physical. I had survived the nest after all. It was the emotional that shredded me open. It was the emotional that made me want to close my eyes and disappear.
“Christ, Mackenzie, I love you. I love you so very deeply and I will make this better for you.”
“But I’m not wanted here,” I sobbed, shaking my head. I hated unloading on Dad but the truth of the matter was his wife hated me. That was the crux. I ruined things. Sharon had said as much. I was weird and wrong and fucking tainted. He didn’t need dirt in his home and I was filth
.
“I want you here,” Dad countered angrily, balling his hands into fists so white they matched snow. “I do.” Shifting around uncomfortably, my father cleared his throat. “Sharon is not welcome in this house anymore.”
“Dad, come on,” tears poured down my cheeks as I spoke. “Sharon’s your wife. How can you say that – you can’t put her out on the street.” Wrapping my arms around myself, I thought of Cade and a shiver rolled down my spine. “What about Cade?”
“I suppose they’ll go next door,” Dad replied briskly, cutting me off when I mentioned Cade. “From now on it’s going to be just me and you, Mickey. Like it should have been from the moment I got you back. I’m only sorry I didn’t step up sooner.”
Next door. “Sharon still owns the house next-door?” How had I not realized this?
Dad nodded. “She planned on putting it on the market, but it never happened.”
“Dad, I need to tell you something.” My voice sounded small as I spoke. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I had no idea where this sudden courage was coming from, but I needed to do this. I needed my father’s help and for the first time in what felt like forever, I felt like I could be helped.
“You can tell me anything, Mickey,” Dad replied gently.
“It’s bad. It’s really bad, Dad.” Inhaling a deep breath, I clasped my hands together, squeezing tightly. “Please don’t hate me, Daddy,” I whispered, and then I let it all out.
I confided in my father.
THE BEDROOM OF MY YOUTH was like a shrine to the girl next door.
It was the room I’d mourned for her in. Her photographs still covered my walls. Her presence was still as strong in here as it had been when we were kids.
I was sitting on the old twin bed I had shared with Mackenzie Moore back when we were too innocent to know the difference between loving and being in love – when all we had wanted from one another was friendship and acceptance, comfort and safety – and I was desperately trying to figure out what the hell my next move was going to be.
“Why is this happening to us?” My mother stood in the doorway of my room. She was crying and begging me to tell her that it was all going to be okay and I couldn’t.
Nothing was okay and I couldn’t guarantee a damn thing.
“I can’t listen to this,” I told my mother as I shook my head and tried to reign in my temper. “I can’t, Mom. I’m not the one to lean on right now.” She was an emotional wreck, she needed my support, but every time I looked at her I just came up empty.
“I’m a good person, Cade,” she sobbed, arguing with herself. “I’ve always tried to do the right thing.”
“Except when it came to Mackenzie,” I shot back without an ounce of remorse. “Right, Mom?”
“That’s not fair, Cade,” Mom wailed. “Everything I did was to protect you,” she told me. “You’re my son. I love you, Cade… I had just found out about Emily’s pregnancy when Mackenzie came home.” Sniffling, she continued spewing her piss poor explanation, “What was I supposed to do – consent to the two of you?”
“You were supposed to tell me,” I roared, jerking to my feet. I couldn’t sit still. I could barely breathe. “You were supposed to give me enough credit to know my own damn mind.”
My mother’s face crumpled and I felt like the worst piece of shit on this planet but it was the truth. “You treated Mackenzie like she was fucking plaque,” I added, my words laced with poison and directed at the heart of my mother. “And you can’t understand why Mitch has finally come to his senses?” I shook my head in disgust. “I need to go.” I needed to run. Get out of this house. Just move. There was a hoard of energy thrumming inside of me and if I didn’t release it soon I was going to lose it.
“You can’t leave me… I have no one else, Cade,” she sobbed.
My mother’s words brought me back to the night Dad moved out. “Well whose fault is that?” I shot back as I stepped around her and made my way down the staircase. “You caused this, Mom,” I added when I reached the front door. “By treating Kenzie the way you’ve been treating her, you forced his hand. You made Mitch choose, Mom, and you lost.”
DAWN WAS BREAKING as I ran through town. The feel of the wind on my face, the taste of the fresh air in my lungs, and the cool morning rain on my skin calmed me. It gave me time to think about things… and I came to the conclusion that galling in love at first sight was bullshit. It wasn’t something that I thought was humanly possible – just a physical reaction.
It wasn’t real.
What I did believe in was the drop – the slow burning fall…the love that was built on years of unbroken promises, infallible friendship and moments of reckless exhilaration.
That was the kind of love I had for Mackenzie. The love we had built together – the love that endured and overcame time, distance and every other damn obstacle that had been thrown in our way.
That was real love.
It was my fault that everything was all fucked up and blurred between us. I knew it. I accepted the blame and I knew that I would eventually have to accept the consequences of my actions… even if those consequences led me to fatherhood. I wouldn’t deny my kid, but I wouldn’t give Mackenzie up either.
Never.
Mackenzie Moore had made me fall, and the drop was so fucking deep, my stomach was still a mess. She made my heart stop in my chest, my soul fly out of my body, and my fucking body shake with a single glance.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, making it work, but I also knew that I would gladly spend the rest of my life in agony; working, hurting, and fucking aching if it meant she didn’t have to – if it meant she didn’t suffer.
I wouldn’t give up on us.
Not this time.
Not ever again.
I TOLD MY FATHER everything, my life in the nest, what happened to Mary, about how I had felt when mom walked out, my feelings for Cade… and even the things I didn’t want to admit to myself. It all poured out – the fear and dread and constant worry that had been looming over me since I’d come home.
Everything.
Dad didn’t react like I had expected. He didn’t get angry or turn away from me. He didn’t shout or blame me. He did cry, but he did that with his arms wrapped around me, promising me sanctuary, offering me his unconditional love and support – no matter what the future held for me.
When we were all talked out, my dad stood up and stretched slowly before walking over to my window and pulling back the curtains.
“See that, Mickey,” Dad said with a look of determination on his face as he stared out the window. The early morning, watery sun poured into the room. “That, my girl, is the dawn of brand new day.” Pushing the window open, Dad inhaled a deep breath and smiled. “And we’re going to make it, honey. I promise.”
“I hope so,” I whispered, almost too afraid to believe in the possibility that there was a life out there for me.
One worth living…
The sound of banging on our front door startled me, and I sprang to my feet. My dad muttered something incoherent as he glanced out the window before turning to face me. “That boy’s like a damn rash,” he mumbled. “Can’t shake him off.”
“Who – Cade?” I asked slowly, trying to rein in my excitement as it threatened to bubble over inside of me. “He came back?”
Dad nodded. “Go on,” he said with a reluctant sigh. “Go say your peace to the boy.”
“Do you think I should…” I began to say but my father cut me off quickly.
“Not until we know for certain,” Dad said before adding with a sigh, “No need to toss more petrol on an already raging fire, Mickey.”
I waited for my father to retreat upstairs before opening the front door.
Wearing nothing but his gray sweat pants and a white vest, Cade stood before me, in the pouring rain, eyes locked on me. His hair was drenched and framing his face. His huge shoulders were trembling.
“Did you forget something?” I asked, barely breathing, as
I took in the sight of the boy next door in my doorway.
“Yeah,” Cade replied, eyes locked on my face as he stalked towards me like a man on a mission. “I forgot to tell you that you’re more than this,” he croaked out. “You’re more than your body – you’re more than your hair… than your beauty. I forgot to tell you that you’re my favorite person on this planet.”
My heart hammered erratically in my chest. I could barely breathe. I felt like I could float with exultation. I knew I shouldn’t depend on a man to make me better…but he was different.
Cade was like an extension of me – another part of my soul walking outside of my body – and just like that I felt better. Whole. Complete.
That’s what made this so hard…
“I forgot to tell you that out of six billion people in the world, I choose you,” Cade breathed harshly against my mouth. His hands were on my cheeks and the move was entirely too much for me. “You have to fight for this, Kenzie,” he rasped, stroking my nose with his. “I’m fighting and I am daring you to fight with me – to love me back. I dare you to believe that I’ll be there to catch you – that I’ll be there to break your fall.” He kissed me hard. “We can do this, Mackenzie. There’s no other option because I am never letting go of you. Of this. You’ve been my reason for breathing since I was ten years old…”
And then Cade’s lips were on mine before I had a chance to comprehend what he had just said.
The taste of his lips felt like coming home. Kissing him was like placing my hand in the fire and enjoying the burn. Electricity thrummed inside of me. Muscles south of my naval coiled in sweet anticipation. “So fight with me,” he breathed against my lips. “Choose me...”
