by Dyanne Davis
When they’d gone home from his parents’ and he’d begun undressing her, caressing her, making sweet love to her, Gabi had agreed to the use of condoms. But more and more lately they were engaging in oral sex. If it was what he needed, she didn’t really mind, but she kept waiting, each time thinking he was going to completely consummate the act. Yes, she’d had release, that was the thing. And she hadn’t minded on occasion. But it wasn’t what she wanted for the rest of her marriage. More important things were at stake now. Now she wanted to broach the subject of their having a baby. He’d promised.
“Do you remember the promise you made?” Gabi watched Eric pull his lips tightly together. His jaw was hard, as though it wouldn’t break if she decided to take a sledge hammer to it.
“Eric?”
“Listen, we have time.”
“You promised,” she answered softly.
“I didn’t tell you the moment I got home. Is that the reason you wanted me home? What am I to you, a sperm donor?”
Gabi licked her lips and bit back her retort. She was trying her best to be understanding. True, she didn’t know how rough it had been fighting a war. She’d only had a dream. Eric had experienced the real thing.
“I have to go to work.” She looked at him expecting an apology, getting none. Something inside her snapped. “If I were looking for a sperm donor, I guess I looked in the wrong place. You haven’t touched me in weeks, not the way that I want you to. What we’ve been doing is definitely not the way to make a baby, or to keep your wife. I don’t know what your problem is but I know I’m much too young to give up making love. I’m sure there are plenty of men who aren’t repulsed by me.”
She walked out the house, anger fueling her. She shouldn’t have said what she had, but it was done. As she passed the trash she dumped her birth control pills into the can. She’d kept her word; in fact, she’d stayed on the things an extra month. Now she was done with them. She’d leave it up to God. If He wanted them to have a baby, then they’d have it. Given the fact that Eric’s recent aversion to her would make it hard to reproduce, it would take a power greater than theirs to conceive. But her womb would be ready just in case.
***
Gabi stretched as the last patient left the office. For once she was glad the receptionist had overbooked. It had kept her mind occupied.
“What’s up? Are you and your hubby fighting?”
Gabi looked in shock at Tracie, the other nurse on duty, but refused to respond.
“What?” Tracie laughed, “you didn’t think you’d ever fight?”
“What makes you think Eric and I are fighting?” Gabi took a step back and peered at her coworker waiting patiently for an answer.
“Because since the moment you began dating him there has not been one day you haven’t come in here and told us something cute he said, did, or how cute he looked in general. Now all of a sudden you’re not talking. Something must be wrong.”
“Maybe I finally realized after all of these years of everyone hearing me rattle on that you were all probably tired of it. Maybe I got a clue.”
Laughter met Gabi’s answer and she felt heat rise to her face. She was embarrassed, but she wasn’t going to discuss her problems with Traci.
“Listen, Gabi, you’re not the first wife who had a fight with her husband and especially not the first to find readjusting to a husband that’s been in a war hard. When my husband returned from Desert Storm we tried hard to make it work, but it didn’t. We ended up getting divorced. He died before I ever found out what the problem was. For years I thought it was me, but so many of our friends’ marriages dissolved also. Your husband’s been to Iraq three times. That has to be very hard.”
A sigh escaped and Gabrielle sank into a chair. “I know it was hard on Eric, but he keeps watching CNN. What does he expect to happen? It’s not like the war ended because he came home.”
“And therein lies your problem.”
For a second all Gabi could do was stare at the older woman before her eyes closed and she sighed again, louder. “I hadn’t thought about that. We haven’t talked a lot about what happened. I’ve asked and he keeps saying he doesn’t want me to know. I told him I see it every day on the news and he gives me this look, like I’m crazy.”
She hunched her shoulder. “I know some of his men died and several of his friends. If he talked to me I could help him through this.”
“Have you ever been in a war?”
“No, but I’m sure I can help him…I love him.”
“It’s not your love that’s the problem, Gabi, and this isn’t your particular battle. More men than people know come back from wars all screwed up. But it’s swept under the carpet so there will be no objection to the next war. This one your husband will have to handle on his own.”
For several seconds Gabi thought over Tracie’s remarks. This was not a battle Eric would have to fight alone, she’d help him. She’d make him remember how it was for them before all of this craziness started.
“Have faith.”
Damn it. There it was again, the voice that had whispered to her. She hoped it didn’t mean she was fighting a losing battle. Gabi shivered thinking of Iraq. The things Tracie spoke of would never happen to her and Eric. They would get through this. Divorce wasn’t even in their vocabulary; that would never happen.
***
Eric was pissed. Had rational thinking prevailed, he would have addressed the real issue, which wasn’t the fight he’d had with his wife or the fact that she’d practically called him a eunuch, had threatened to take a lover. Eric glared at no one in particular. Maybe those hadn’t been the words Gabi used but that had been the sentiment behind them.
“Lieutenant, is there anything else I can do before I take off?”
Eric glared at the civilian secretary, wondering what the hell she was rambling about. When his eyes lit on the papers in Linda’s hands he was jerked back to the business at hand. He was still a soldier, albeit a soldier who got to go home off base at night and travel an hour and a half to make it back each day. Gabi was giving him shit about being tired, but neither of them had time for a baby; they barely had time for each other.
And when that excuse wears off, what are you going to use?
“Lieutenant, will there be anything else?”
“No, thank you, Linda. We’re done for the night.” Eric shuffled papers on his desk until the woman left the office. Then he turned and looked out the window. He blew out the last of his frustration knowing it was time to go home and fight it out with his wife.
Two steps from his car he turned to answer the voice that called him. Mike had a huge grin. He’d returned from Iraq about a day or so before Eric left. Since Eric’s return he had become closer with Mike.
“See you tomorrow,” Mike waved.
“Hey, man, aren’t you going to ask me to go clubbing with you tonight?”
“Why should I? I’ve done that for the last two weeks and every night it’s the same answer. No. Let me know when your wife has gotten enough of looking at your tired behind and then I’ll ask.”
Eric looked Mike squarely in the eye. “Then I would suggest you ask me tonight.”
“Problems?”
“A few,” Eric answered.
“Welcome home.”
***
“Come on, man, let off a little steam. It’s just what you need.”
“How would you know what I need?” Eric asked, narrowing his eyes at Mike, twirling his glass in his fingers. “I have a wife at home. I’ve never cheated on her and I’m not about to start now.”
“Don’t get bent out of shape. I know you have a wife at home, same as I do, a wife who keeps wanting to fix things, who wants you to tell her everything that happened, without leaving out one single gory detail. And all so she can kiss your boo boo and make it all better.”
Eric squinted, taking a look at the women who were eyeballing them, the ones Mike was trying to coax him into leaving the club with. He took in se
veral breaths, exhaled noisily and took a drink. “You think that will make it better?”
“It does make it better. One night of holding a woman in your arms, a woman who doesn’t give a damn about you, doesn’t want to fix things for you? Hell yes, I’d say it makes it better. All you have to do is get your rocks off. You don’t have to worry about cuddling with her, you don’t have to worry about soiling her with the things we were ordered to do.”
“How did you…”
“How did I know?” Mike shrugged his shoulder. “Hell, Eric, you shouldn’t have gone an entire year without. If you had eased your ache while you were there it wouldn’t be half as hard on you now.”
“I suppose you did.” Eric worried his top lip with his tongue. He glared at Mike as he remembered the stories of the rapes, the tortures.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Mike snapped back. “I had a willing partner.”
“Look, I went to fight a war, not to screw around on my wife. No, thank you. You think I feel dirty now, what the hell you think I’m going to feel like if I cheat on her?”
“A hell of a lot better than you do now. Do what you need to do, take the edge off, then maybe when you go home you can handle it, mellow out.” Mike smiled. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and sauntered off, motioning for the woman in the tight gray dress to come with him.
Eric watched him walk away with his arms around the woman. He watched until they were out the door and still he could not turn around.
For a moment he wondered if it would help. He had a boner the size of Texas and it hurt like hell. Mike was right about one thing, Eric was having a hard time connecting with his wife. He shook his head. Gabi would kick his behind if he screwed around on her.
Picking up his drink, he sipped and turned to look at the other side of the bar. He jerked back as a full pouty mouth pressed against his. What the hell?
“If you’re lonely we could help each other out, no strings attached.” The woman looked down, saw the ring on his finger and continued. “Your wife need never know.”
She pressed her body against his. Eric didn’t move. He felt frozen in time. The woman rubbed against him, running her finger down the front of his pants, finding the zipper and slipping her hand inside. Damn, it felt good.
Then she leaned into him and he took a whiff. She smelled like stale cigarettes and booze mixed with sweat and cheap perfume. She didn’t smell like sugar cookies. A chill traveled over him, bringing him back to reality. He pulled the woman’s hand from his pants. His penis jerked at the loss of the warmth.
“I’m not that lonely,” he said softly.
“Don’t you want to?”
“Yeah, I want to.”
“Then why don’t you?”
“Because I have a wife I love and if I want to keep her I can’t diddle around with you.”
“She’d never know.”
“She’d know because I’d tell her.” Eric smiled. “Thanks just the same, and hey, you were good for my ego. I needed what you offered, even if I can’t accept.” He plunked down several bills on the bar and beckoned for the bartender.
“Have a good time,” he told the woman. “Your next few drinks are paid for.”
With that, Eric walked out of the club, wanting to go back and take the woman to a cheap hotel someplace and drive hard into her body. But that wouldn’t erase his pain and would only create more problems.
***
“Where you been?”
“I needed some time alone to just think about things so I went to a club with Mike.”
“You mean you needed time away from me?”
“I guess I did.”
“Tell me why.”
“There isn’t always an answer for everything.”
“But in this case I think there is. I don’t understand what’s happening to us. You’ve been home for a little over three months and we’re living like strangers.” Gabi put her hand up to silence her husband’s rebuttal. “I’m not trying to start a fight with you.” She closed her eyes slowly, trying to continue breathing, trying not to cry. “If you found someone while you were gone…”
She stopped a lump pushing its way from her chest to her throat. She pressed past it and ignored the welling tears. She would get through this. She loved Eric, but she would get through this.
“If you have someone else, just tell me. Let’s make a clean break.”
Eric blinked. Make a clean break? What the hell was Gabi talking about? “I don’t have anyone else.”
“I don’t know if I believe you.”
“Have I ever given you a reason to think I was cheating on you?”
“Yes,” she answered, almost whispering, her voice getting lost in the vastness of the room. “You use a condom to make love to me when you do, but most time you won’t enter me and you ask if you’ve ever given me a reason to doubt you. Try right now.” She lifted her eyes to his. “The smell you’re reeking of…it’s perfume and it’s not mine.”
Gabi stood firm, determined not to cry. If it was true, if they were over, she wanted him gone right now, like ripping away a bandage. She wouldn’t let him see her cry. She watched as he sniffled his body. Then a smile broke out on his face.
“You think this is funny, you come home smelling like…” Her hand shot out.
“Baby, I’d never cheat on you,” Eric whispered, holding the hand she’d intended to slap him with. “Don’t you know how much I love you?”
“I thought I did. Now I’m not so sure.”
“The one thing you never have to doubt is my love for you.”
“Then where did you pick up this smell?”
“I was offered.” Eric held Gabi to keep her from backing away.
“And?”
“And I was tempted.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I needed to be with someone who didn’t give a damn about me, someone I couldn’t hurt.” He stared into Gabi’s eyes, holding her angry, hurt-filled gaze, not breathing for the space of a heartbeat. “Gabi, baby, I’m sorry. I’m all screwed up and I can’t seem to shake it.”
“You thought making love to another woman would help you shake it?”
He hunched his shoulder. “I was told it would.”
“What did you do?” Gabi’s voice was laced with steel as she glared up at Eric. Her eyes narrowed as she readied her knee. “Tell me now, Eric, what did you do?”
“I thanked her for the offer and bought her a couple of drinks.”
“Let me go.” Gabi shoved against her husband’s chest. She was so angry she was shaking. For two months she’d put up with his nonsense, trying to be sensitive, trying not to upset him, to give him time to adjust. What she should have given him was a good swift kick in the behind. She didn’t play that, she didn’t care what the reason was. She’d not stepped out on him while he was gone and she expected the same loyalty from him.
“Nothing happened.”
“That’s a lie, something happened.”
“Nothing.”
“Think again, you wanted to. Why would you even want to? I don’t understand that. It’s not as if I’m not here for you.” She couldn’t help it, the tears fell. “It’s not as though I haven’t been practically begging you. Is that it, you no longer respect me? I don’t blame you because it’s getting hard for me to respect myself.”
“Gabi, it had nothing to do with us. It was just…she just…” He saw the fire in her eyes and changed his mind. Honesty was cool but at the moment she wasn’t in the mood for total honesty. He’d best keep what she’d done to himself, for the moment. “I didn’t do anything with her, not even dance. I never touched her.”
“She was close enough to you to leave her scent.” Gabi glanced downward at her husband’s crotch. “For the moment let’s say I believe you, that you didn’t touch her. What did you have her do?”
She ignored the glare her husband was now sending her. He was in the wrong. How dare he act so indignant.
&n
bsp; “Are you asking me if I had sex with her?”
“Since you men have a way of thinking that someone giving you oral sex is not having sex or cheating, let me be straight about this. I do consider it sex. Now back to my question. Did she do you?”
“We were in a bar, for God’s sake.”
“And I repeat, did she do you? Don’t play with me, Eric, I’m not in the mood.” And she wasn’t. The long dry months were all that she could think about. The times her husband had flatly refused her advances, making her think there was something wrong with her, that she was oversexed or some such nonsense. Sure, they’d made love a dozen times the night he’d returned, and almost that many every day for the next month. But if she had known he was shooting his entire load and they would be doing without for a month, then nothing but a hit or miss thereafter, she would have called a halt to that glorious month of passion.
And to look at him standing before her, telling her calmly that he’d thought of having sex with another woman. Un-unh, that wasn’t going to happen. She wasn’t going down like that. She prepared herself, gritting her teeth and taking a stance that meant business. “I asked you a question, Eric. Stop wasting time trying to think of a lie. You’d best answer me.”
“You’re giving me orders? Woman, have you lost your damn mind? Who do you think you’re talking to, some little kid? I’d best answer you?” She was ticking him off royally. Eric had done nothing to make her act so crazy. Hell, he was telling her the truth. Women. “It sounds like there’s a threat in your words. Is there?”
“No threat.” Gabi stood wide-legged, her hands on her hips. “Just a promise. Don’t ever screw around on me or…”
“Or what?”
“Do I need to spell it out?”
“Yeah, I think you do.” Eric moved toward her. “Handle your business, baby.”
“In that case if I ever even think you’re screwing around on me it’s over.” She gritted her teeth. “But it won’t be over before I do the same. Tit for tat, baby. You play me and I will make you regret having ever thought about it.”
