by Dyanne Davis
***
Gabrielle wanted so badly to go with Eric, to be there to hear the news, to buffer her husband’s pain. She wanted to protect him. “Baby, it’s my day off. I want to drive to Indiana with you. We can stop in Calumet City and see your parents, make a day of it. We could even take the train in.”
“Gabi, I don’t need you to hold my hand.” Eric stared at her with a stern expression on his face.
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“You said there was nothing to worry about. If that’s true, why are you so anxious to go with me? I’m a big boy, I can go to the doctor alone.”
Gabi moved toward Eric to hold him, but he moved away. “Don’t shut me out again,” she said softly. “We need each other. No matter what happens we have us. Just remember that. I want you more than anything. I want us to stay strong. Promise me that. Promise me that no matter what happens in the doctor’s office we will be okay.”
Eric’s eyes narrowed and he glared at Gabi, knowing this wasn’t what she had in mind. She wanted solidarity but she was castrating him with her words.
“Gabi, I’m not trying to be mean and I know you’re trying to be supportive. But that’s not what I need from you right now. Let’s not play games with each other. We both know what the results are going to be. I need to do this alone. You’re treating me as though I’m an invalid. I’m a man, Gabi, a marine, an officer. You need to remember that and respect it. Whatever happens in my life I can deal with it. The problem is, can you?”
He didn’t stop glaring at her. Ignoring the hurt in her eyes, he saw the tremor around her lips. “If you want to mourn with someone, Gabi, do it alone. That’s not my style. I was doing this for you,” he lied. “I could care less if we have kids. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine.”
He shook away the pain that was stabbing at him. Hadn’t Gabi just asked him not to go there? He had enjoyed the last months as much as she had. It had taken him a long time to get to the point where he was comfortable with the thought of bringing a child into the world. But damn it, some power was playing games with his life and he didn’t like it. First saving his life, then taking it away. What was he, just a chess piece on a board? Was he being used for some powerful entity’s amusement?
He glanced back and saw Gabi watching him from the window. He wasn’t going to tolerate his wife looking at him with pity. He was a man, damn it. He would live through this. But would he and Gabi make it through what he knew would be a hard time? They’d barely begun to repair their marriage. Would Gabi still love him if he couldn’t fulfill his promise? he wondered and felt a chill slip over him. The hand pressed again on his spine and this time he expected the whisper he heard: “Have faith.”
His throat closed and he could feel a burning in his lungs. “Whoever is out there listening, please,” he prayed. “I don’t know if there is a God. Is that the reason You’re jacking my life around? If You exist, tell me, show me. Whoever is in charge I need You to listen. I know I don’t have any right to ask anything of You. You saved my life and that should be enough, but…please, whoever You are, just allow me to give this one thing to my wife. She wants a baby so badly. You know it and I know it. I want to give this to her. Please, just this once, listen to me.”
“Have faith,” The voice said again and Eric was determined to try.
***
“I’m sorry, Lieutenant. But there are lots of babies needing adoptions,” the doctor said, not looking directly at him.
“I know that, Dr. Samson, but that’s not what my wife wants. She wants my baby.” Eric was doing his best to remain calm but he could do nothing about the clenched teeth.
“But there’s--”
“Thanks,” Eric said, not waiting for the doctor to say more. There was nothing more to say. He wasn’t going to have a civilized chat about his not being a man. The one thing his wife wanted was the thing he couldn’t give her. Damn. Their trying to have a baby had taken them back to where they’d been in their relationship before he’d ever set foot in Iraq, before he’d seen so many horrors that he wanted to forget. It had been the way it was before he’d caused Gabi so much pain. Now what would they do?
Eric left the office and Dr. Samson knowing he would not bother coming back again. From now on if he found himself in need of a physician he would find one in Illinois. At least Gabi was aware that he’d driven to the doctor for the results. He wasn’t hiding things from her anymore. A lot of good having faith had done. He’d tried to have faith the entire three hour drive into Indiana. What good had it done?
Eric turned off the key in the ignition but remained sitting there trying to make his body move, go inside, get it over with, tell Gabi she’d never be a mother. Eric sucked in his hurt and made his way into the house, almost hitting Gabi who’d been behind the door waiting for him.
“Hey, baby what happened?”
He saw her fear. She was afraid and determined to hold it in for him. When she reached her arm out and gently massaged his arm he knew for certain she was already aware of the outcome. He swallowed, not wanting to prolong her disappointment but get it over and done with. “I got the results.” He stared at her, wishing it were different. “I’m sterile.”
Eric waited, saw the disappointment settle around Gabi, saw her resolve. She was struggling with trying to say the right thing to make him feel better and trying so hard to push her feelings aside. A fake smile appeared on her face but she couldn’t do anything about the glittering tears that swam in her eyes. Eric had to give her credit, though, she was being brave.
“It’s okay, baby,” Gabi whispered through the tears as she rocked her body back and forth.
“It’s not okay.”
“Eric, there’s nothing we can do about it. Maybe we just need to have more faith,” Gabi said, remembering the words that had been whispered to her for the past months. She wrapped her arms around her husband, felt him shudder and held him tight. “It’s going to be alright, I promise you.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Gabi.”
“This one I can. Come on, we’re in this together.” Gabi wanted so badly to take her husband’s pain inside herself and carry his burden. She saw the hurt in his eyes and her heart broke for him. For a moment she forgot how to breathe. Eric didn’t need any more pain. Gabi didn’t think he could handle it.”
“But you’ve wanted a baby for so long.”
“So what? Maybe it’s not meant for us to have a baby. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy. I’ve wanted you a lot longer than I wanted a baby and I have you. Just so the two of us are together I’m happy.”
Eric could feel Gabi trembling in his arms. He held her tighter as his throat started to close with pain. He groaned as he held her, wanting to believe she didn’t care, but knowing how this news had devastated her. What he wouldn’t give to be able to change things, or to do as she asked and have faith. But having faith was not going to change things. He was sterile.
“Gabi, baby, you know you’re just saying that. I know how this news makes you feel. I know how it makes me feel. You work around babies all the time, what are you going to do?”
“I’m going to keep working around them, I’m a professional.”
“And what if another patient wants an abortion? Knowing what you know, that I can’t give you any babies, how are you going to feel?”
“The same way I felt before.” She pulled away to look at him. “This doesn’t change us. We’re still here.” She shook her head. “Don’t…”
“Don’t what?”
“Maybe we should talk to someone to help us get through this.”
“You mean I should talk to someone.” He moved away. “I don’t need to talk to anyone, Gabi, I just talked to you that’s enough.”
“Honey, don’t do this again, don’t shut me out. Baby, you were ready months ago to talk to someone. So what? We can’t have a baby, big deal.”
He narrowed his eyes and glared at her. “It is a big deal
and we both know it. Don’t patronize me.”
Gabrielle took a deep breath to steady herself. Inside she was screaming, her nerves frayed. But now was not the time to give in to histrionics. “Yes, it’s a big deal but it’s not something that has to destroy our marriage. We love each other, we’ll get through this.”
“But you want a baby,” Eric walked to her, laid his hands on her abdomen and looked at her. “You’re never going to have that with me. Maybe we should give it up. Maybe you should find someone else. I’d understand.”
“Are you crazy? There’s nothing for you to understand. How can you even suggest I find someone else? In a couple of months we will be married ten years. Do you think that means nothing? What if the problem was with me? Would you leave me? Do you think I’d even let you? I’ll tell you now, I would never allow you to leave me and I’m not allowing you to attempt to just give me away. That’s not your choice. You don’t pick whom I love.”
“But, Gabi-”
“Don’t you but Gabi me. Now I know for sure you need help if you think I would ever leave you for something like this. I wasn’t lying when I said there are things I want much more than a baby. I want you. I want us to be happy, to be like we were before you went to that damn war. I want that more than anything in the world.”
Gabi came up on tiptoe, kissed her husband and wrapped her arms around him. “I want you, baby.”
Eric rubbed his hand across her abdomen and gazed down at her. Gabi’s look was genuine, she loved him.
“We’re in Chicago, there are specialists here. The doctor you saw is only one opinion.”
“He’s a specialist.”
“So what? He can’t have the things available to him that we have here. Even my office could rerun the test.”
“I don’t think so.” Eric cringed at the thought of the people in Gabi’s office knowing his business. “I don’t want everyone in your office giving me funny glances.”
“Okay, okay, calm down,” Gabi whispered soothingly, patting his arms. “This is a gigantic city. We’ll find someone we can trust. We’re in this together and we’ll figure something out. But before we give up and accept the word of one doctor we’re going to get a second opinion. We, Eric, not you. We’re a team and we’ll get through this as a team.”
Gabi held on to Eric, embracing him until he returned her love. “Come on, baby,” she whispered softly, leading him to the bed, undressing him and making tender, sweet, exquisite love to him. “You and I are a team. We’ll always be a team.”
She worked her magic on him and Eric believed. Maybe the drive from Indiana wasn’t long enough to have found faith, but right now, here in the arms of his wife, he knew with her help he would try to have faith. Maybe his making love to Gabi was all that he needed in order to have faith, he thought as he drifted to sleep with Gabi lying on his chest, her arms around him.
***
Eric reached out for Gabi but her side of the bed was empty. He opened one eye and looked around the darkened room. The red glow of the clock showed it was only two A.M. He heard water running and got up. Why the heck was Gabi showering so early? He smiled into the darkness. It didn’t matter why she was doing it, he thought, making his way toward the bathroom to join her.
His hand on the knob, Eric stopped. There was more than the sound of water running. There was sobbing coming from the bathroom, gut-wrenching sobs that tore his heart out. His hand fell from the knob and Eric walked back toward the bed.
So this was how they were going to get through this. His wife was going to lie in his arms and make love with him, and then later cry in the bathroom.
Pain vibrated through every cell in Eric’s body. He climbed into the bed wishing he could comfort his wife. It was killing him knowing she was in the bathroom crying her heart out. “Why did you save me?” Eric whispered under his breath. The effort of the words was like sticking knives through him. “Why?” he repeated.
When the bathroom door opened, Eric pretended to be asleep. Gabi lay close to him, her hand touching him, making it impossible to stop the shiver that claimed him. Instead, he turned toward her, held her in his arms and breathed in her scent.
“I love you, Eric,” Gabi whispered softly.
“I know, baby, I love you too, he answered.
Gabi’s hand searched his body and found him, and he held the moan inside. He didn’t know if he had the energy to make love to his wife, even if they both needed it right now. What was the point? Nothing would ever come of their lovemaking. He could never give her the baby they both wanted.
“Eric, it’s okay.”
“You were crying.”
“Just for now, baby. I’m not going to lie to you. The thought of a baby that has your beautiful brown eyes and could be taught so much by you has always been a dream. I know how much your parents want to be grandparents, so yes, I did cry. I didn’t want you to hear me because it’s over. It’s out of my system. Besides, you know me, Eric. I cry once, then the problem’s solved. No big deal.”
“It’s a big deal to me.”
Gabi buried her sweet-smelling face in his neck and Eric sniffed in amazement. Since Gabi was fifteen she’d had this special essence that was hers alone. It was partially her scent that had wrapped around him and captured his heart. He couldn’t believe it. Even freshly showered she still smelled like sugar cookies. His hand moved under her hips and he shifted to get into position. But before he could enter her, he deflated like a balloon. Embarrassment scored his soul.
“Baby, you’re just tired.”
He refused to answer her. He was a man on a mission. When his own manipulations didn’t work, he nearly choked on his words. “Gabi, I think I need a little help here.”
Eric’s eyes fell on the bedside clock as he rolled off Gabi to allow her access to caress him. When he looked again, an hour had passed. He’d become hard as long as his wife was touching him, kissing him, covering him with her soft lips, but the moment he attempted to enter her all the air went out of his sails and his erection was non-existent. Gabi wasn’t saying much but he could tell she wanted to stop trying. She was tired and now so was he. Damn.
This time when Eric rolled off of Gabi, he flipped over to his side.
“It happens, baby. Every man has an occasional problem.”
He wasn’t yet thirty, he wasn’t supposed to have an occasional problem. His wife saying that it was okay didn’t help Eric one little bit. He moved away from Gabi toward his side of the bed and closed his eyes. “Good night, Gabi,” he said and pretended to sleep.
***
Gabi lay in the dark unable to sleep knowing her husband was on his side of the bed, also not sleeping. She’d attempted to wrap her body around Eric but he’d moved several times until she’d gotten the message and moved to her side of the bed. Thread by fragile thread her marriage was slowly unraveling and there wasn’t a darn thing Gabi could do about it.
She waited, listening for the voice to tell her to have faith, but this time the silence was all that greeted her. Even the voice no longer believed. Gabi wanted to cry so badly she could feel it in her throat, her eyes, but she couldn’t cry, even softly, without her husband hearing. And he didn’t need another thing to feel sad over. Of all the ways she’d imagined their life to be, this had never been even a remote possibility
ANOTHER MAN’S BABY 229
Chapter Ten
Eric was holding on by a thread, determined not to allow his failure as a man to alter his marriage. But so many failures were piling up on him, making him doubt, first his failure as an officer to keep his mind on the danger at hand, and now his failure as a husband to Gabi.
He wondered about the God Gabi prayed to. If He did exist, for what purpose were the lives of mortals? Were they all just created for His amusement?
Eric didn’t believe in Darwin’s theory either. It made no sense. He’d always reasoned that if man had evolved from apes, why were there still apes? Why hadn’t all apes evolved? Why weren’t the
y extinct?
But he did believe some supernatural being with power that Eric didn’t have had somehow put things into play. Maybe the power could be ascribed as God. Eric didn’t know, but if He would stop screwing around with his life he’d think it over. Hell, he might even begin to believe.
He looked out over the base and up at the sky. “I’ll give it a shot,” he said. “Some being saved me, that much I know, and some being is screwing around with my life. Please stop,” he said simply. Why not? That was as much a prayer as any he’d heard. He didn’t see a need to beg or grovel and bowing down on his knees wasn’t in his plans. This would have to do.
He let out a breath. “Give me something,” he said softly, “show me You’re God and maybe I’ll believe. I need to feel like a man again. Give me the ability to give my wife a baby and I’ll believe. If You want me on my knees you’ll get it. Make the impossible, possible. Change what can’t be changed and we have a deal. I don’t go back on my word.” Eric smiled at the sky. “I’m a marine officer and my word is my bond.”
***
Eric chewed on his lips and sighed, blowing out the air that he was continually taking in. He shook his head, just a little. No mythical being was going to be able to solve his problems. It was all nonsense.
“Lieutenant, we need some help at the recruiting stations.”
Eric looked toward his commanding officer and saluted. “Sir, I’ve never done recruiting.” He felt a knot in his gut knowing what was coming. He didn’t want to do it.
