by M. R. Joseph
"Casey, get a grip and pull it together. Let's go help him."
She cried and tried to take some deep breaths in but then she saw Carter fly in. His eyes locked on hers but he just screamed " Where is he? Take me to him! Now!"
"Carter, calm down and tell me what happened."
He was interrupted when another nurse came out and yelled for Casey to get in there and help.
She looked at Carter whose eyes seemed hollow.
"I'll be back."
Carter and Domenic paced in the waiting room of the E.R. for what seemed like forever. Carter's nails were chewed down to the nubs. He put his hands on the back of his head and walked around looking up at the ceiling. The swinging doors opened and Casey's face appeared. Her eyes swollen and wet. Carter ran up to her and searched her face for some kind of news.
"He's, he's gone Car. He's gone." Dom collapsed in a waiting room chair and Carter just stood there, motionless, his eyes fixed and frozen. Casey sobbed and tried to put her hands up on Carter's arms.
When her hand connected with his skin he jumped backwards and stumbled.
"No! No! He was breathing. I saw him. I felt his breath on my face. I told him to hang on. We, we are brothers. Brother's don't leave brother's, right Dom."
Domenic got out of his seat and got a hold of Carter's arms and searched his hollowed eyes.
"Carter. He's gone. There is nothing we can do. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
Carter threw his arms out to the sides to try and shove Domenic's hands off of him. Casey tried again to talk to him.
"Carter, please." She pleaded with him.
"No!" He pointed at her and began walking towards the exit backwards. "Stay away from me. All of you stay away from me." Tears streaming down his face and the sweat poured from his head. His shirt was soaked from the rain and his perspiration.
Domenic and Casey stood there watching him. He looked like he was about to go insane. His chest rising and falling with each unskilled breath. His fists clenched. He turned and punched a window and shattered it. The blood poured from his knuckles and Casey and Domenic jumped. Carter stared at his hand, then back up into nothing. His eyes barren. He turned and ran into the warm, stormy night. Tommy was gone. His brother was gone.
CHAPTER 14
Roman Numerals
The days leading up to Tommy's funeral were nothing less than torturous, empty, and worthless. Carter did nothing. He wouldn't eat, didn't sleep, and wouldn't talk to anyone. Even Haley could not bring him around. There was no light in the perpetual darkness that Carter was experiencing.
Telling his mother about Tommy's death was when the ominous cloud overtook Carter's world. He ran all the way to Domenic and Eva's after the hospital, in the middle of the night, in the pouring rain. He collapsed in her arms and when he told her he was gone, they just held each other and sobbed. No matter blood or not, Tommy was Jane's son in every way, and had treated him like so for a very long time. Her grief was like any mother's would be but Carter's was as though a piece of his sanity, his soul, his heart, was gone. Carter had already lost Casey and he wasn't sure his mind or heart could take on much more. He stayed holed in his room at Domenic and Eva's. Eva tried to get him to eat but he was having none of it. He didn't want much of anything.
Casey had stayed at the hospital and assisted with preparing Tommy's body until the funeral home could come and take him. He looked peaceful, almost sleeping. She had seen a hundred people die over the last five years. She had watched family members say their goodbyes and watched their grief in stages. If only for a few moments, Casey remembered from school about the stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
She thought about Carter and how in the next few days, he would travel through these stages. She wondered about his pain. She thought about Jane's as well. Eventually she would have to tell Lyla that the father of her baby was dead.
Casey stood there next to the exam table in the E.R. When it was just her in the room, she stroked his cheek, nipped at the purple spikes on in hair, and held his hand. She touched the Roman Numerals he had tattooed on his knuckles. Etched in black ink, were the mystery marks he had permanently placed on his skin. The significance of them would forever be that, a mystery. Tommy took it to the grave. He took a lot with him and the thought of Tommy's short life being over, was overwhelming. The warm tears began to roll down her cheeks again. She spoke aloud to him as though he could hear her.
"So, here we are, my friend. Why are you laying here? Why did this happen? We did our best to keep you safe, Tommy. Didn't you trust us to help you?"
Her tears fell onto his hands and she rubbed across them with her thumb.
"I think Carter knew that there was something wrong. I told him he couldn't baby you for the rest of your life." She sniffed back a sob.
"I'm sorry. I failed you. I should have taken more notice of the signs. Carter was so good to you. He did his best. He loved you so much. I hope you always knew that. I hope you know how much we all did."
She let go of his hands and swiped at her nose.
"Oh God Tommy, how is he going to get through this? I don't know what to do for him. I don't know if I ever will."
Two days after Tommy died, Jane knocked on Carter's door. After several attempts she just rested her forehead on his door and spoke quietly to him through it.
"Carter, honey. Please come out. You only came out yesterday to shower. I have to go to the funeral home and give them the clothes for Tommy. I want your approval before I go." She pleaded with him.
"Please, baby. I need you."
Jane saw the knob on the door turn and it opened. She looked at her baby boy's face. His eyes were like slits, swollen and unrecognizable. He looked ashen and he hadn't shaved in days. She met his eyes and extended her hand upwards to touch his face.
"Come on, my beautiful boy. Your mom needs you."
They walked out into the living room and went through the things that Domenic and Jake had taken to the house from the hotel room Tommy was in. Jane, Domenic, and Jake had disposed of anything drug related that they did not want Carter to see. Not that Carter didn't already know Tommy was on drugs. He pushed it aside for the most part. Jane had set aside some of Tommy's vintage t-shirts, pants and shoes for Carter to look through. They sat on the floor and Carter criss-crossed his legs and rested his elbows on his knees. Jane picked up each shirt and held it against her so that Carter could see.
"Carter, just either nod yes or shake for no. OK?"
He nodded and Jane began the unpleasant task of picking out the clothes her 'son' was to be buried in. She held up several shirts and Carter shook his head no to all but the last. He still didn't speak but he pointed to Tommy's most treasured shirt from his favorite band The Cure.
"This one, Car?" asked Jane. Carter nodded in response.
"OK and these pants and sneakers?"
He nodded 'yes' again. She folded the clothes and put them into a bag to bring to the funeral home.
"I'm going to go now. Lyla and Jake are meeting me there."
Jane grabbed her keys and before she walked out the door she pulled an envelope from her purse. She made her way to Carter. She bent down and kissed him on his head.
"We found this when we cleaning out his things. It's addressed to you." Jane handed him the envelope and walked out.
Carter sat there in the same position staring at the envelope his mother had given him. On the front it simply said 'Lond'.
Lyla had stayed with Casey after she told her about Tommy. She didn't want to stay by herself. When Casey told her, Lyla did her best to stay calm for the sake of her unborn baby. Tommy's baby. The one he would never know. She mourned for the loss of her love but more so for what could have been. Lyla still hadn't revealed Carter she was pregnant. She needed to before the funeral so she drove over Domenic and Eva's to see him. When she got there Eva had told her about how
he had been a hermit for the past few days. Lyla went to the door of his room and knocked.
"Car, it's me Lyla. I came by to see how you were. Carter, we need to talk and I need you to come out."
She heard nothing. She knocked a few times. Eva was standing beside her.
"He only comes out to shower and pee. I don't think he had eaten a thing in three days. I leave food outside the door but he never takes it. Only the Gatorade or water are gone off the tray."
"Lond, I need you to come out. I have something I need to tell you." She began to cry at the eery silence. She spoke closer to the door.
"Carter, I'm pregnant. It is Tommy's baby." Lyla waited a few more minutes and turned to Eva.
"I'm going to go. I will see him at the funeral tomorrow." She started to walk away from the door when she heard it open. Carter stepped out and looked at Lyla with sorrowful eyes.
"Ly." His voice crackled from not speaking and the pure exhaustion of crying for days. "I'm... sorry."
He turned back around and walked into his room.
It was the day of the funeral. The skies were threatening and thunder could be heard in the distance. It was being held at the London family's church in Clearwater. The church was old with creaky pews and vaulted ceilings. The stain glass that outlined the large room was shimmering even though the grayness of the sky was present. Tommy's casket laid in the front with flowers surrounding it. Some were made to take the shape of a guitar, musical note, and what looked like sheet music. Carter stood at the front with Jane, Jake, and Domenic. It seemed like thousands of people were there. Their manager came, as well as all the members of the band they opened for. Other musicians from the industry had come to pay their respects. People who had followed their career since they played Beach Bums all those years ago came too. Tommy only had one cousin they knew of and he never bothered to show. Lyla and Casey made their way in. Casey was nervous and greif stricken. So many emotions plagued her. They stood in line and made their way up to the casket. Lyla held onto Casey's arm as her shaky legs carried her forward. Lyla saw Tommy's body and lunged forward onto the edge of the casket and sobbed.
"Why did you leave me? Why did you leave us? I loved you for so long. Oh God, Tommy! I love you so much." Casey pried her away gently.
"Come on, honey. Let's go sit."
Casey ushered a grieving Lyla to a pew. As they were making their way, Carter and Casey's eyes met. Carter stood there in his gray suit. He looked so handsome but tired. He flexed his hands at his sides. It was clear he was nervous. His once bright blue eyes, seemed despondent and dark. Casey thought it may have been the dark circles under them reflecting a shade that wasn't true to his own. He looked down at his feet and broke the contact. At one time not so long ago, his eyes burned with love and desire for her, but now they seemed to have nothing behind them.
The service was beautiful. The pastor spoke words of comfort. Towards the end of the service the pastor called for Carter to come to the podium.
"And now Tommy's best friend and brother Carter would like to say a few words. Everyone was surprised as Carter rose from the pew to take the microphone. He took a few deep breaths and scratched the tip of his nose. He cleared his throat.
"Tommy and I have been friends since we were sixteen years old. We found that we had a lot in common. Music being the main tie that bound our souls. Our same love for music led us to go to the same college, become roommates, and start a band with our other best friend Jake. Thomas Alexander Lingetti was larger than life. He was rough on the outside but soft on the inside. When his parents died suddenly, my family took him in like he was one of our own and my mother, our mother fell in love with him. She took care of him like he was her own. He became my brother as well as Domenic's. He had the love of a beautiful woman. Something it took him a long time to figure out, but he did, Lyla. He lived hard and played the guitar even harder. He was always good for a laugh or a sucker punch. Having someone on your side like that was a blessing. I will miss him every hour, of every minute, of everyday, but the one thing that will eventually bring me comfort will be what we shared together for so long. Our love of music."
When he was finished speaking, out of one of the side doors entered a choir. There were about twenty woman dressed in white and gold robes. They lined up and Carter made his way to the piano that was on one side of the alter. He sat down and began to play. The choir began to sing a version of Tommy's favorite song, The Cure's Love Song. The choir sang with such power that their voices reached the heights of the peaked roof of the church and could have been heard through the stain glass windows. The mourners wiped their eyes and linked hands. It was a tribute to Tommy, a farewell.
The burial was quick and everyone placed roses on top of Tommy's casket. Jane held onto Carter and Domenic's arms as it was then lowered into the ground. It was all so final, so...over.
"Carter, are you coming back to the house with us?" Jane asked with tearful eyes.
"I'll be along later, mom. I just need to be alone for a while." He kissed her cheek and made his way towards the other side of the cemetery. He found a bench and sat. He heard footsteps making their way towards him through the grass. He rested his elbows on his thighs and saw a shadow darken his space. When he looked up Casey stood there. He didn't meet her eyes but spoke to her.
"What do you want, Casey?" he asked quietly.
"I wanted to see if you were ok," she replied.
"Let me ask you something. How do you think I am?? I lost my brother. I knew there was something wrong and I did nothing about it. That makes me the catalyst that killed him. Not the heroin he shot in his arm, me." He put his head back down towards the ground.
"No, Carter. I told you that he needed to grow up and that you weren't his babysitter. You did so much for him. You were always there to bail him out, to help him. You should be proud of that."
Carter laughed and stood up in a huff.
"Proud!" He yelled at her. "I should be proud of that? It's bullshit. I had a part in his death, Casey. I could have done more, I should have done more but I didn't. I was too focused on other things. I was selfish. A fucking selfish prick!" He started to storm away from her. She went after him. She pulled back his upper arm to turn him to her.
"Carter, that's not true. You aren't that way. You aren't that person. You sacrificed so much for him."
"Don't you understand, Casey, that everything I try and do for myself gets ruined. I lost Tommy and I lost you because I was selfish. Get that through your head woman!" He glared at her and she began to cry. "It's over, Casey. I have done things I cannot forgive myself for. Tommy is in the ground because I did nothing to stop what was going on. I put him there. He is dead because of me. Lyla will have his baby and he will never know what it was like to be a father and I'm the direct cause of that." He ran his hand over his hair as rain began to fall.
"Carter, you need to let it go. Let it all go." She told him through her tears.
"I can't." He stepped closer to her. "Casey, I think you were right. With us, I think it was all a dream, an adverse reality. Something I conjured up because I was so in love with you. You were an obsession and I focused on that rather than concentrate on Tommy and I will never exempt myself from that. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I did the things and said the things I did, but I cannot allow myself to go back to that place again." He walked away from her and he didn't look back nor did she go after him. She needed to let him go. He needed to forgive himself before he could ever go forward and Casey knew it would be a long, and winding road. For now, the story of Carter and Casey was over.
After a few hours of walking along the sand dollar beach where Casey and Carter had spent so much time, he made his way back to his brother's house. It was dark when he got back and Jane and Domenic were waiting for him. They were sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee.
"Hey." He said to them.
"Honey, why don't you sit?" Jane asked.
"I'm tired mom. I just want to go to bed."<
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"I know your tired bro, but there are things that you need to make decisions about." Domenic said.
"Oh yea, like what?"
"The tour for one thing."
Carter rubbed his hand over the stubble of his chin.
"Oh well, that's done. We can't do it. Not without Tommy. I already spoke with Joe. There is no Luminosity without Tommy."
"Did he tell you that, sweetie?" Jane asked.
"Not in so many words, but he wants to do dinner when he gets back from the East Coast tour."
"Well, that's good but are you sure you and Jake can't handle it by yourselves?"
"It's over mom. Music will always be a part of me but not in this way. I have to try and move on. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."
Carter made his way to his room. He hung his wrinkled suit jacket on a hanger. When it swung around the envelope Jane had given him fell out. He picked it up and sat on his bed. He held it in his hands almost afraid to open it. He hesitated but knew there was a reason Tommy wrote it and wanted him to read it. It was the letter he was required to write to someone when he was in rehab. Carter had to write one. Casey and Jane did as well. Carter opened it carefully and unfolded the paper.
Lond,
I just finished reading your letter and I am sorry you feel that you are to blame for any of my bad choices. I am the reason I have found myself sitting here in rehab. I have made these choices, not you. You don't realize that you are the reason I make any of the good choices I do in life. Before you chose me as your brother, I had no direction. You have shown me the paths to success and happiness. I knew my life was going to be difficult. I needed a constant reminder that I was not really alone in this world. I know you have always wondered about the Roman Numerals etched across my knuckles. They are a symbol of every time you have saved me. One for every life altering moment you made a reality. First one is when we became friends. You introduced me to music and it allowed me to come out of my shell.The second was when we went to college together. I would be working at McDonald's if you didn't force me to study hard and focus. Third was when you and your mom ( well mom to me too now) took me in when my parents died. Fourth was when we started Dare. Fifth was when we got the gig at Beach Bums. Sixth was the first time I went into rehab. The seventh was when we created Luminosity. Eighth was we signed for our record, ninth was when you put me in rehab, again, and tenth was when we went on tour. Even if all those things were the both of us, all of it was because of you. Yep, I fucked up but this in no way is a reflection of any failure on your part. I have failed YOU. I hope to set things straight and make you proud. It will be a long hard road but I will keep getting up even when I fall because your hand will always be there to help lift me again.
