“Why, Sarah, did you not know Skylar was gay?”
Sarah offered Claire a look that sat somewhere in between confused, forlorn and on the verge of pissed-offed-ness. Felicia was acting a little too cavalier and although Sarah was in general, a soft touch, Claire knew she protected her children like a mother bear. Felicia needed to behave if she wanted anything to do with Skylar.
“It’s okay, Mom, I just found out, too.”
Skylar jumped off the counter, “Okay, you two, I’m gay. I’m not dying of cancer and I’m not a disappointment because I’m learning about who I am for God’s sake. This is a good thing.”
“Well,” Sarah said, “I guess I wish the circumstances were different. You were drunk and wandering the streets in the middle of the night last night. Besides, it looks like Felicia is older than you. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“Sarah,” Felicia said sheepishly, “I’m sorry about last night, but I really do like your daughter. And nothing happened between us last night.”
Sarah clapped her hands together and smiled while looking at the young women in front of her, “Okay, then… I think it’s time for a family meeting. Where’s your father?”
“I think he’s out back puttering around in the shed,” Claire said, “I’ll go get him.”
“Should I leave?” Felicia asked.
“No,” Skylar said.
“Honey, it would be a good idea for us to talk as a family, no offense to Felicia.”
Claire was relieved to be out of the house and away from the immediate situation for a moment. She wasn’t sure what her mother was getting herself worked up about, despite the fact Felicia kept calling her by her first name. If Claire were in her mother’s shoes that would have pissed her off the most. Claire was certain the drinking and curfew breaking and the shock of seeing Skylar with a woman for the first time were equally viable offenses. She wondered how different it would be if Skylar found a girlfriend closer in age. As Claire let the questions roll around in her head on the way to the shed, she was unaware that a similar conversation was taking place in the kitchen….
“Why are you so tweaked, Mom? Is it because I’ve figured out I’m gay or is it because Claire is so easy and I’m such a challenge to you?”
Sarah couldn’t answer her daughter. She rolled the possible explanations around in her head and hoped Earl and Claire would return before she had to answer. Skylar was right, Sarah thought, Claire was an easy child. Compliant to a fault. She remembered as a young mother wondering when the other shoe would fall with Claire and it never came. Now she was off to a great University and was dating a nice boy. Sarah wondered what might become of her feisty baby girl, Skylar, who was fueled by a daring and creative side. She wanted to tame it, but at the same time, she respected her second daughter for always being exactly who she was. Daring and creative was a good thing, Sarah had always reminded herself of that. Daring and creative changed the world just as much as smart and compliant with a ridiculous work ethic. In the middle of the mess, Sarah remembered exactly why she became a mother and exactly why she loved each of her children as individuals. But it didn’t take the heat of the immediate decision-making off of her.
She had to think about what to do with Felicia. She was a grown woman, after all. Sarah thought she might be as old as twenty-five or twenty-seven, chiding herself for thinking that was old, of course. But relative to a seventeen year old, Felicia was old. Too old. Sarah would be lying if she said she didn’t wonder how the influence of an older woman could have convinced Skylar to explore her sexuality in this way, but she knew if Skylar said she were gay then she was definitely gay—older woman or not. Sarah decided she wasn’t going to answer Skylar’s question.
“Hey, ladies,” Earl popped into the back door behind Claire, “What’s going on?”
Sarah thought it was too late to send Felicia home. They would have to have a family discussion about her and Skylar with them present. She poured herself a glass of wine to calm herself down.
“Hi, Dad,” Skylar said, “Mom wanted to have a family meeting because I’m a lesbian and she just met my much-older girlfriend for the first time under less than ideal circumstances.”
“Oh,” Earl said, unflustered, “what circumstances?”
Sarah and Claire looked at one another. It was almost comical.
“Did you hear what your daughter just told you, Earl?”
“Yes, and what are the less than ideal circumstances?”
“Well,” Felicia spoke up, “I’m Felicia, by the way, and Skylar and I had too much to drink last night and she ended up breaking her curfew.”
“Oh, I suppose that is a problem. Nice to meet you, Felicia.”
Earl scratched the back of his head and continued speaking, “I know it’s not good, Sarah, but we needed a family meeting for this? Give her a good grounding like you always do when she misbehaves.”
“Earl, did you hear what Skye said? They’re a couple.”
“So it is because I’m gay that you’re tweaked?!?” Skylar raised her voice.
“No, that’s not it, Skye. I don’t know. If Felicia were a guy, I’d forbid the relationship. She’s way too old and experienced for you. How do you even know you’re gay? What if she’s seducing you into believing it about yourself?”
Sarah couldn’t believe she let the words escape her lips. She knew her daughter knew who she was despite the circumstances. Sarah shut her eyes to block out her heightened sense of embarrassment and her self-disappointment in what essentially amounted to betraying her daughter.
Claire reached out to touch Sarah’s shoulder. It was a strange moment for the family and for Claire to witness a reaction from her mother she’d never anticipate. It was the age thing. It was just in the last few weeks Skylar came out to Claire about being gay. She couldn’t help but wonder if an older, more experienced woman could send an undecided teenager over the edge about her evolving sexuality. And Claire certainly could understand how Sarah was feeling dubious. But now that the words hung out there and the accusation loomed seeming entirely absurd, Claire took a step back for her and her mother. Skylar was gay and maybe Felicia expedited the process for her, but maybe she didn’t. Skylar had always done exactly what she wanted to do. It was what Claire had always admired most about her sister.
“I haven’t been honest with any of you because I didn’t know I was different in this way,” Skylar said, “I have always known I was not the same and now I’m understanding what that has always meant. I’m gay, everyone, and I’m happy to finally be out and free.”
Felicia started clapping her hands, “Bravo, you beautiful girl. I’m so proud of you!”
“Okay, okay,” Claire said, “Let’s reel in the celebration a tad for the parental units. They need time to wrap their minds around the situation. And fair enough, if either one of us brought home a twenty-four year old guy, heads would roll. I’d feel bad for the poor bastard to would attempt to legitimize it to Earl.”
Skylar asked, “Mom, is that what you’re mad about? Our age difference?”
“Well, yes, and you blowing off caring about drinking underage and flipping an unadulterated bird to your curfew. It’s like you don’t care. Go ahead and be a free spirit, but do it on your own terms. I’m sorry if I feel like you were coaxed into this… I don’t know where that came from. It’s the age difference, I think, honey. I just want you to be sure of your decisions, that’s all.”
Skylar smiled at her mother and was content with her explanation. She knew she had a created a small cluster-fuck for her parents and it was about to get worse.
“Well, Sarah,” Earl sighed deeply, “You know I’m not a big reader of those psychological books, but I gotta say we weren’t paying attention to what was going on with our kid.”
“I was paying attention, it just happened so fast,” Sarah countered.
“I’m just saying,” Earl said, “let’s all sit down and figure this out. Are you really twenty-four, Felici
a? You look so young.”
“Jesus, Dad,” Claire said. She really wanted to chuckle. Earl had a way of injecting an odd sense of comic relief at exactly the wrong time.
Sarah took a deep breath and sipped her wine. She knew she was out of line and she was feeling guilty for not being there for Skylar who clearly needed a mother to help her figure out her budding sexuality. She felt guilty for assuming all of her children would be as easy as Claire. She knew Skylar was a spitfire and she really adored her for that. She just needed to figure out a way to be okay with it.
“Can I say something?” Felicia asked.
“Sure,” Sarah said with a raised eyebrow.
“We’ve been hanging out for a few weeks now and Skylar is amazing. She’s an old soul and so we connect in a way that transcends our age difference. She’s having a hard time staying up here and attending her Podunk high school where she clearly doesn’t fit in. So we’ve been talking about her moving in with me to my apartment downtown where she can finish her last year of school and move on to bigger and much better things.”
“I have to ask,” Sarah said, “And where is downtown exactly?”
“Manhattan. I’m up here house-sitting for my parents, I live and work in the city.”
“Okay, I think this is enough for one day,” Sarah said, “this is just too much information to handle.”
“Mom,” Skylar spoke for the first time in almost fifteen minutes, “I’m sorry this is too much for you, but I need to do this and I really want your support. I’m leaving with Felicia when she goes back to the city.”
“Skylar, honey,” Earl spoke first, “why don’t we talk about this before making any rash decisions? You’re our responsibility until you turn eighteen. Surely you have to know we’re trying to protect you.”
Finally, Claire thought, someone was making some sense. The trouble was Claire wasn’t sure which part of it was making sense and for whom it was actually making sense. She blocked out on the ongoing conversation between her parents, Skylar and Felicia and rolled some thoughts around her own mind. Was she upset that Skylar had balls? That Skylar didn’t care about defying her parents? That she didn’t care about the consequences of falling in love at seventeen with an older woman and leaving high school to move to Manhattan?
Claire had always played by the rules and her excitement about going to Vanderbilt suddenly began to wane. Ryan was off to the West Coast to pursue his dream of playing baseball and Skylar was off pursuing…whatever she felt like. Claire was decidedly vanilla and it didn’t feel good. She wondered how everything seemed so perfect just two short months ago and now everything in her life and the decisions she made up until this moment felt…not quite right.
Claire re-entered the conversation to discover Skylar had finagled a deal with Earl and Sarah to move in with Rachel to finish high school in New York. She could date Felicia, but she couldn’t live with her.
“I’ll call my Mom in the morning,” Sarah sighed while forcing a small smile.
She had tried to do her best being a mother to four girls, but she couldn’t always navigate the wild side of Skylar. If Rachel agreed to taking Skylar in for a school year, Sarah would support her daughter. She knew Skylar was a tough kid and incredibly resilient, but Sarah thought upstate New York might not be the best place for Skylar to find herself. She had to relent. It may very well be in her daughter’s best interest to be with her Grandmother in Manhattan.
“Oh, Mom, thank you! Thank you!”
“Thank you, Sarah,” Felicia said.
Sarah thought Felicia was all right and most likely would be one of many young women her daughter would date, but she thought it was important that Felicia knew Sarah wasn’t making this decision to allow them to be together. She was making this decision because she wanted to avoid Skylar sneaking off to Manhattan in the middle of the night. If things worked out as Sarah planned, Rachel would keep Skylar busy and on the right track in the city.
“Well, Felicia, I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m making this decision for Skylar’s well-being, not the well-being of your relationship. I like you, but you need to take it down a few notches. Skylar might be seventeen, but she’s not a pushover. And you’ll soon discover that for yourself. You may have taken her out of the closet, but you really don’t know what you’ve unleashed.”
Felicia offered Sarah a small, but genuine smile. She underestimated Sarah’s strength and appreciated the close-knit nature of Skylar’s family. And she knew Skylar was anything other than a pushover. It was exactly why she was falling in love with her.
Chapter Nine
Ryan wanted to do something really special for Claire. He was leaving in ten days for California and he really wasn’t sure if he’d ever see her again. He wasn’t being dismissive or arrogant toward her or their relationship, he was just being honest. Baseball always came before girls. He had that drilled into his head ever since his father and coaches first saw him on the mound and he was okay with that. And he had been honest with Claire, too, from the beginning. Granted, he thought they’d go to college together, but getting drafted into Major League Baseball was something he couldn’t turn down.
He wasn’t a romantic. He was an eighteen year old boy with a dream. And like every eighteen year old boy¸ Ryan saw things and his life in a linear, black-and-white sort of way. It would be impossible to explain that to a girl. They were always thinking and connecting dots in their minds that may or may not have belonged together… and the next thing he knew, his life and love were planned out for him with a lot of strings attached. That’s what made Claire so different. She had no contrived thoughts about him or where their relationship was going, but it was more than that, too… Claire was familiar to him and this was a feeling that ran counter to anything he had ever experienced. He didn’t even know what that meant, but he felt it. He hoped that with their lives going in two different directions that they could somehow remain friends. But in the meantime, Ryan was going to do something special to say goodbye to the girl he had fallen for.
Claire looked around her room and surveyed the piles of her stuff that fell into the categories she created—‘definitely no’, ‘maybe’, ‘definitely yes’ and ‘garbage’. She also had reserved a special place for things she’d leave behind in her room, but now with Skylar on the verge of moving out and Claire leaving, too, Sarah had already talked about turning their bedroom into a home gym, yoga, meditation room. Claire sat on her bed and dismissed every thought from her mind. She needed a break.
She looked up when she heard a faint knock at the door.
“Hi, honey, are you okay?”
“Yes, Mom, I’m fine. Just getting my shit together.”
Sarah sat on the bed next to Claire, “You know, sweetheart, it’s okay if you know what you want in life and you go for it. It’s not vanilla or predictable or boring. Be proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
“Then why do I feel so… uninspired? Ryan’s going after his dream. Skylar is going after… whatever she thinks her dream is and maybe… I don’t know what my dream is anymore.”
“You love language, culture, literature… and history and political science… you have so many interests and you’re so smart. Let the world take you where you need to go, baby. Relax and just do it.”
Claire looked at her mother and smiled. Sarah was right. Claire didn’t need to think about what everyone around her was doing. She needed to focus on herself. And in her heart of hearts, whatever she chose, Claire was blessed in knowing her parents would always love and support her.
“Mom?” Claire said, “Do you ever regret not doing anything other than being a Mom?”
Sarah wasn’t sure how to answer. Did she think about having an alternate life when things got frustrating with Earl or the girls? Did she really do nothing other than be a mom?
“Well, I don’t feel like I’m doing nothing. It takes a lot to be a mom, Claire.”
“I don’t mean it like that, Mom. I mean, I just think abo
ut all the things I want to accomplish, you know….”
“I chose my life. I fell in love and got married and pregnant with you, honey. Do you know what a joy it has been to have you, raise you and watch you become a young woman? I could have done other things, but this is what I love, even with the bumps in the road. I have a great husband and four special girls. And someday you’ll decide how to work in what you want in life with falling in love and having a family.”
“Well,” Claire said, “I can’t even think about any of that right now.”
Sarah let out a happy sigh and kissed Claire on the top of her head, “Good, you shouldn’t. I’m going to start dinner, honey. Yell if you need anything.”
Claire had been born into having so many opportunities and Sarah was relieved her oldest daughter was going to take her time falling in love and making babies. Sarah wondered what young women were feeling these days about their choices. Back in her day she was taught that women could ‘have it all’— the career, a family, a giant mortgage, nannies or day care or whatever…. But the friends who followed that path ended up entirely too stressed out with nannies who knew their children better than they did and two of her friends’ children who learned to speak Spanish before English. Their lives were successful and overwhelmingly busy from the outside looking in, but Sarah was not convinced women could have it all.
Sarah didn’t want to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. She could hear the high-pitched, New York-Jewish accent of her mother inside her head. Rachel was a high-powered attorney and judge in New York City. She remembered her mother working a lot and being around for some of her life’s important milestones, but Sarah wanted a simple life with her man and her babies despite having an incredible role model telling her to do more. She wanted to be the mother who was there.
Giorgio made their fourth-floor walk-up a home in so many ways. Sarah’s memory of him included lots of cooking, watered down wine and sitting for hours with Sarah—helping her with homework, ironing out troubles with friends and a lot of talk about current events, politics and occasionally Italy when Giorgio and Sarah were home alone. Rachel never made it a point to discourage Giorgio from talking about his family history and Italian roots, but the War had taken its toll on both their families and it was easier and certainly more positive to work toward the future and live in the present. Sarah’s parents wanted her to be an American girl and didn’t want to complicate or burden their daughter with too much family history and war stories.
Twist of Fate Page 8
