It was going to be her first time and the thought of Ryan having a little more experience than her was kind of exciting.
“Hey, Claire, if you have a blanket, maybe we should bring it down to the lake and hang out. Maybe kiss and hold hands….”
Claire smiled and dug through the linen closet for a beach blanket. She threw it in a canvas bag along with a half-eaten bag of potato chips from the kitchen and the left over bottle of wine from the romantic part of their evening.
“I have moments where I’m totally scared shitless, by the way,” Ryan said as they strolled toward the lake, “and then I get over it. I mean, fear can’t drive what you do. I’ll just never buy into that. I work hard, I throw hard and I’m lucky to have this opportunity, you know? But I wish I had more conviction about things like you.”
“Holy shit, Ryan, that’s crazy. I’m so scared sometimes and I think I would feel less scared if you or Skylar were with me… and then I feel totally lame. Like if I don’t have you or Skylar…”
“Well, I’m a text or a phone call away.”
“I know, but you have to focus on your game. I get that. Maybe I’ll join a ton of clubs and stay busy, too. I could do that, I like clubs and meeting people. I’ll be fine….”
“What are you afraid of, Claire?”
The question, as simple as it was, took Claire by surprise. She had moments of wondering what the future would hold and it was the not-knowingness that seemed to be the cause of her being afraid. But she wondered, now that it was posed as a direct question, what exactly she was afraid of. And then it hit her.
“I guess I had everything planned out for my life in a certain way and in a heartbeat things changed.”
“Well, you of all people, with your extra-ordinary faith and knowingness about things most people don’t pay attention to… no matter what happens, you should be fine, don’t you think?”
Much to Claire’s chagrin, she had to admit the baseball player had her pegged. She was glad he reminded her of who she was. It made her heart happy to think he thought about her in such a positive way.
Claire smiled, “You’re right, Ryan, what am I thinking? I’m Claire Sinclair, something-something extraordinaire! I am going to be just fine. I’m going to take Vanderbilt by storm.”
“Hey, it looks like Skylar is doing fine, too, right about now,” Ryan said.
Claire looked across the clearing and sure enough, Skylar was there sitting on a big rock with Brad Sullivan, scream-singing, drinking and smoking… something. Claire couldn’t see from a distance, but it didn’t look like a cigarette based upon the way Skylar was holding it.
“Claire!!!!!” Skylar shouted from the rock, “You made it!!!”
Skylar looked incredibly tipsy and incredibly happy... so much better than the dark-cloud girl trying to be old, artsy and hip hanging out with Felicia the graphic artist, part-time Greenwich Village clown. Claire was certain that Felicia was the darkest clown she’d ever known, but there wasn’t a lot to compare it to.
Brad had his arm around Skylar’s shoulders, which wasn’t all that surprising; they had been friends for most of their lives. Claire had just graduated with Mike Sullivan, Brad’s older brother, who was equally as nice and equally as slated into an agricultural life. Claire wondered what it must be like to have to go into the family’s business whether you wanted to or not. She wasn’t knocking farming in any sense, she loved the rolling green hills she had grown up with, filled with all kinds of livestock.
She remembered drinking milk that her mom had put in pitchers in the fridge—straight from the cows down the road, un-homogenized and un-pasteurized. It was good and healthy. And illegal. At some point the government, or the health department or something, came in a made them stop selling milk locally and to stop making cheese and butter. Sarah called bullshit and got on every committee she could to fight the Man, as she would say, but the Man won. Claire was so proud of her mother for fighting for the farmers and wholesome food. Some friends and neighbors suggested Sarah run for political office, but she had her babies and wasn’t ready to leave home. She often told people, tongue in cheek, that she already had a cause—four girls who needed their mother.
“Hey, Skye!” Claire shouted above the music, “You’re so tipsy!”
“I know! It’s awesome! I’m having so much fun! Here, have some tequila!”
“No, I brought some wine! But thank you!” Claire shouted above the music.
Claire suddenly felt old, as though she had no business being at a pre-senior-year party.
“Hey,” Ryan asked, “are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m great. I just felt too old to be here all of a sudden.”
“Hey, Ryan!”
Ryan turned around when he heard his name called. It was Jen, a girl from his history class.
“Hey, Jen, how are you?” Ryan asked.
“I’m great! I was thinking we should hook up before you move away….”
Claire watched as Jen sidled up to Ryan without paying attention to the fact Claire had come with him. Claire watched as she pressed her body next to his and took a swig off the bottle of wine he and Claire had shared just minutes before.
“Hey, Claire, come and sit with me!” Skylar yelled.
Brad moved off the rock to make room for Claire to sit next to her sister. Claire took a hit off a joint that was being passed around, followed by a swig of tequila.
“Aren’t you a little worried about Jen getting a little too close to Ryan? I mean, look at her over there. Who does she think she is?!?” Skylar shouted again over the music.
“I think she’s a lost little girl who wants to make it with the almost-famous baseball player,” Claire said, loud enough for Jen to hear.
Ryan made eye contact with Claire and delicately peeled Jen’s arms off his torso.
“Hey, Jen, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m seeing someone right now and you’re kind of not my type, anyway.”
“What?” Jen took a step back, “Are you seriously dating Claire, the girl with the reputation for not putting out? What a joke. Good luck with that!”
Claire watched as Jen stumbled away into the night and fell onto another guy.
“God, she really has that down….” Claire said.
“Has what down, Clairebear?” Skylar asked.
“Oh, nothing,” Claire laughed, “getting drunk and falling into guys....”
Claire was starting to feel really relaxed. It was nice to see Ryan make that creepy girl go away, but most everything was feeling really nice in the moment. She wondered what he said to her exactly. She hoped he mentioned her name.
“Claire!” Skylar shouted into her ear, “I think I might want to make out with Brad.”
“What?!?”
“I said I think I might want to make out with Brad.”
Claire heard Skylar loud and clear. It was all too crazy for her. Her sister comes out of the closet, announces she’s moving to the city with her new girlfriend, gets permission from their parents to move to New York and now she wants to make out with a guy and hang out with ‘friends’ from the high school she cannot bear to attend any longer.
“Check it out, Skye, you’re too tipsy to make a rational decision right now. Let’s go home, kay?”
“No, I’m okay, really!” Skylar was still shouting, “I’ll hang here with Brad and behave. You and Ryan should go hang out together alone and then we’ll leave.”
“You sure?” Claire asked.
“I love you, big sister! I’m totally sure!”
Claire kissed Skye on the cheek and slid off the rock. She told Brad to watch out for her and to not take advantage of her compromised state. He laughed at Claire’s choice of words, but Claire didn’t care. He was a good guy and he’d look out for Skylar. Claire took Ryan by the hand, along with the beach blanket and remaining wine and led him to the lake. She could hear Skylar scream-singing as she walked away in the dark. Skylar was having fun and acting like a typical teenager,
Claire thought. She wondered what decisions Skye would eventually make with all of the freedoms that were suddenly laid out before her. She could be anything with her parents’ blessing—Gay. Straight. Independent. Whatever. Claire just wanted her to be safe and happy.
Claire threw the blanket down near the edge of the lake. The ground was dry, the sky was clear and the sky was filling up with stars. Ryan sat down first and pulled Claire to the ground. She sat next to him before he wrapped his arm around her. They sat and watched the water for a few minutes.
“Hey, what did Jen say about me?” Claire finally asked.
“Do you care?”
“No, not really.”
“Good. You shouldn’t.”
Ryan kissed the side of Claire’s face and worked his way down her neck, gently pressing his lips on the back of her neck and behind her ear. He had no idea how he was making her feel. Everything she was feeling in her bedroom when they were alone came flooding back. Claire wanted him in a way she couldn’t explain. She didn’t even know what it meant to want a guy, really. She had never yet in all of her eighteen years even saw a penis, much less touched one. The thought of him putting his inside her was exciting and equally as terrifying.
“I think I’m afraid to have sex, Ryan. I really don’t know what I’m doing and it seems so private, you know, for you to just be down there. I think there must be something wrong with me.”
Claire rested her hand on Ryan’s thigh and got a little too close to his zipper. She could feel his hard penis though his jeans. She decided she’d play it cool and act like it was intentional. She just wasn’t sure what can of worms she opened.
“Do you want to touch it, Claire?”
“Oh my God, I’m sorry, it was an accident.”
“You know it would be crazy if I weren’t excited right now, but that doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it, Claire.”
She didn’t move her hand from his crotch. A million feelings passed through her mind, but mostly she was blown away to actually have her hand on a boy’s penis. It felt so intimate.
“I like it that I excite you, Ryan. It feels good.”
Claire could feel herself growing more excited in each moment. She couldn’t decide if her first time should be on a beach blanket, next to the lake and only a couple hundred feet from a big-ass high school party. But the more she touched Ryan, the more she felt like she couldn’t stop. It didn’t matter what would become of them. She wanted to feel him inside of her. She wanted him.
“Do you have a condom?”
Ryan sat up and felt around his pockets, “I had one earlier. I took it out when….”
“Oh, God, when we were in my room?”
“Yeah, Claire, I think I left it there.”
“We have to go and find it before my parents do.”
Claire jumped up, folded up the blanket, took a swig off the wine bottle and handed it to Ryan, who also took a gulp and finished it.
“I know you think I’m being paranoid, but….”
“Claire, just calm down. I never took the rubber out of the package. It’s probably on the floor under the bed or something. Besides, your parents can’t think you’re always gonna stay a virgin, right?”
Claire stopped dead in her tracks. She never thought about why she decided to stay a virgin. She didn’t think it was something she chose because of her parents. She chose it because she felt like no boy was good enough to have the privilege of being inside of her. But Ryan was good enough, she thought. She took a deep breath and let it out so her sigh was actually audible.
“Are you okay?” Ryan asked.
“Oh my God, I am so fine, Ryan,” Claire smiled, “I just realized that I didn’t choose to stay a virgin to be pure or Catholic or a good daughter for my parents, I picked it because no one was ever good enough for me. My vagina is a special place and only a special guy gets to have that part of me. If my parents find a condom in my room, I’m not in trouble or disappointing them, I’m having responsible sex… even if I’m not having sex… because I wasn’t.”
Claire laughed at the ridiculousness of her soliloquy and Ryan laughed along with her. She was intense, but she was an amazing firecracker.
“Let’s go get Skye,” Claire said.
Chapter Twelve
“Claire, I want you to come with me,” Ryan whispered in her ear.
“Yes, Ryan, I’ve fallen in love with you and I want to be with you, too. Let me pack up a few things.”
“Whatever will fit in my truck….”
“I need to take the antique chair Zia gave me….”
Claire started to move the chair from the corner of her room, but the weight of it was too much for her to budge it.
“I just have to move the chair…”
Claire pushed again and looked at Ryan. He was wearing a baseball uniform and his glove.
“I’d help you, but I don’t want to take my glove off.”
“What?!?”
Ryan faded from her view and Claire woke up in a start. Her arms were straining as she pushed the top of her headboard. She rolled over on her back and acclimated herself to her surroundings.
“Claire?” Sarah popped her head into the bedroom, “Who are you talking to?”
“I don’t know… well, I was talking to Ryan, I guess. He asked me to come with him.”
“Awww, honey,” Sarah came and sat on the edge of Claire’s bed.
“I’m not sure why I let myself get so wrapped up in him, Mom.”
“I think that’s what love does, dear.”
“Well, I think I’m too young to be in love. I can’t be in love.”
“I fell for your father before I finished college. Sometimes life happens, you know?”
“Yeah, but that was in the olden days, Mom. Things are different now. Besides, in my dream, he couldn’t help me move a piece of furniture because he didn’t want to take his glove off. That’s a sign if I ever heard one.”
Sarah couldn’t help but chuckle, Claire could be incredibly wise beyond her years and then sound so simple and childlike. Sarah had to take a small step back in her own mind and remember the olden days were evidently sometime in the eighties. She didn’t think womanhood had evolved all that much from her generation to Claire’s, but maybe girls were thinking more of themselves these days. And maybe the sign in the dream did mean something.
She admired her daughter for paying attention to the signs life would give her. Claire took them seriously and Sarah was not about to question whatever entity may have been guiding her. Sarah was secretly glad the sign in her daughter’s dream didn’t translate into moving across the country for a boy, even if she liked Ryan and hoped he’d somehow stay in Claire’s life. She breathed out a sigh of relief.
Sarah rubbed Claire on her back, “You know you’ll see him again if it’s meant to be, sweetheart. You have to go be your own superstar in life.”
“I know, Mom, I really like him, but the timing is awful.”
“I like him, too, honey, he’s a good guy.”
Ryan was honest to a fault when he admitted to both Sarah and Earl that he owned the condom in question in the girls’ bedroom. Unlike his or Claire’s theory that the intact, still-in-the-package rubber had miraculously fallen under the bed or perhaps was obscured by mussed up blankets, didn’t pan out.
No, Sarah and Earl had arrived home before the girls and innocently stuck their heads in the door to turn off their bedroom light when the package shined before them on top of the bed. Ryan turned a couple of shades of red when Sarah and Earl confronted them the following day and apologized profusely, assuring the Sinclair parents nothing had actually happened. He wanted to tell them how he felt about their daughter and that they probably would have gone all the way at the lake had it not been for the missing condom they absentmindedly left behind. But he didn’t go there. They congratulated the kids on their honesty and their responsible thinking about using protection. Ryan and Claire decided if they were going to have sex
they would know when the time was right. And the timing always seemed to be wrong.
The next few days bled into a week and another day and it was time for Ryan to head west. He had just been informed he’d start at a rookie camp in Arizona and if he performed, he’d be moved to San Jose, California, where he’d have the opportunity to work his way up through San Francisco’s farm teams.
Claire moved in-between being okay with the circumstances to feeling completely crushed that this guy she had fallen for was leaving. She tried desperately to play it cool, but she wasn’t sure if appearing aloof was her best trait.
The same scenario played over and over in her mind as the day of departure approached—he’d load everything into his truck and turn around one last time to say goodbye, at which point he would beg Claire to get in with him, just like in her dream. He would tell her that she had become just as important to him as baseball and he couldn’t live without her.
The fantasy would go well up to the point where Ryan declared his devotion to Claire. And even though this was a conversation trumped up in her own mind, complete with her penchant for providing melodramatic ambiance, Claire realized at some point that she didn’t want the fantasy she had been creating. Sure, it would have been nice to make the road trip with her man and settle into some tiny apartment in Scottsdale or the Bay Area, but then what would she do? The thought of being the girlfriend or wife of a baseball player had its obvious perks, but who would she become? Eighteen year old girls needed to create lives of their own; she thought. The days of getting married out of high school and college were over. She had to sew her own oats, it was that simple.
“Claire?” Sarah called from downstairs, “Zia is on the phone. Do you have time to talk before you meet Ryan?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right down.”
It was so funny to Claire that her parents still had a land line and people made calls on it. Zia could have talked to her directly calling her cell phone, but she swore she wanted Claire to ‘stay away from the devices that cause tumors’. Claire always used the landline to talk to her Aunt from that comment forward. She wasn’t afraid of getting a tumor from her smartphone; she just wanted to placate her aunt. And if it made her feel better, then it was worth it.
Twist of Fate Page 11
