“Yeah, right, me too. But my wife still got her momma. And every time I go through the drill, I mean, most of the time I know goin’ in I can’t take the job ’cause that got-damn woman won’t move and my wife, no matter what I say, she ain’t about to leave her.”
“Well that’s what I was askin’ you earlier about movin’ here.”
“I know. And I don’t know how I’m goin’ work it, but I’m goin’ work it somehow. ’Cause I told my wife, if they offer me this one, I’m takin’ it, I’m sick a this bullshit scufflin’ around from one lame-ass job to another. I’ve had to turn down six jobs, man, ’cause my wife wouldn’t move. So you’re right, man, no question, the jobs are out there. Went through the whole got-damn drill six times—well a lot more than that—I’m just talkin’ ’bout the times I actually got an offer and then I had to say no and tell ’em why. And that shit gets around, don’t think it don’t. Before this one here, the last three departments? Soon as I told him my name they said they weren’t takin’ any more apps. So I said, nooo, uh-uh, no more, man, they offer, I’m takin’, this is it!”
“You must really love your wife.”
“Huh? Hey, I ain’t pussy-whipped, man—”
“Didn’t say anything about pussy. I said love.”
“Yeah, okay, so you did. Well. I do. Sometimes I love her so much it … it pisses me off. I didn’t know love was supposed to be such a got-damn problem. I mean, that’s why I’m workin’ so hard at not givin’ a got-damn. ’Cause all the times I did good and I had to say no ’cause my wife wouldn’t move? That shit will break you down, man.
“But it’s not just her. I mean everybody in this got-damn country, they’re always talkin’ this bullshit ’bout how you have to work hard, and if you do work hard, then you’re goin’ get the result, the job, the goal, the prize, the raise, whatever.
“See, this martial arts teacher 1 had in Alabama, he’s the one started me thinkin’ about it, about how you have to separate yourself from the result of what you do. He used to drum it into me, every class I took from him. And for the longest time I didn’t know what the hell he was talkin’ about, thought he was crazy, tell you the truth. I mean I tried, ’cause I liked the dude, I really respected him, you know? He had his shit together. And he was old too. Sixty somethin’—”
“Woo that’s old,” Balzic said, laughing.
“Yeah, I know, I know, but I was eighteen when I met him. And sixty was ancient to me then, you know? And I figured ’cause he was so old and so together, the man must know somethin’. So I tried, I mean I could get it in my mind, you know? I could intellectualize it—that’s what he said was the first trap. And that’s what I did for years and years, all I did was think about it, but I never really got past that, you know? Thinkin’ about it? I could never really keep what I was doin’ separate from what I was hopin’ I was gonna get as a result, you know? Not until yesterday.
“Then yesterday, man, for the first time, I actually got the feeling, I mean I could see this sign, I know this is goin’ sound like some serious bullshit, but I could actually see the words out there in front of me, like they were printed on glass or a piece of plastic or somethin’ clear like that. Big black letters. Fuckit. Just fuckit. Just run. Don’t care where you come in, it don’t matter where you come in. And after all these years of thinkin’ about it and thinkin’ about it, it finally happened—I mean it happened over my whole body, it wasn’t just happenin’ inside my mind, you know?”
“So this was good, right?”
“Yeah, man, it was like this huge weight fell offa me. And then today, when I was in front of that committee, I had it again. I was givin’ it my best shot and not carin’ how it was goin’ come out.”
“But then I tell you how you’re probably gonna get the result you want but maybe not for the right reason—”
“Yeah, man, right, exactly, you tell me that, and 1 lost it. That fast, man, I was back all twisted up again. That just funked me out. Shit. Now I got to start all over.”
“Yeah, well, you know what the Buddhists say.”
“The Buddhists? Don’t take this wrong, man, but anybody ever look like a dago Catholic, man, it’s you,” Rayford said, laughing despite trying not to.
“I know, I know, but yeah, the Buddhists. My one daughter, she got me started with them after my heart started playin’ games with my mind. They say life is a series of moments, the Buddhists, so you have to approach each one like it’s brand-new. And believe me, nobody knows more than me how hard that is. So I got some idea what you’re talkin’ about. All I’m sayin’ is, don’t let yourself get all tied up over that. If the result happens, you know, then that’s your karma. If you lived each moment as fully as you could, you were makin’ karma—least that’s my take on it. But don’t quote me, okay, ’cause I’m king of the backsliders. I’m always draggin’ this, uh, this wagon around with all my bad memories and prejudices and so on. So approachin’ anything like it’s brand-new, for me that’s no sure thing, believe me. Hey, c’mon, let’s go see what we can do about your battery.”
“Told you, man, I’m broke. And maxed out on all my plastic.”
“I’m not. C’mon.”
On the way to Tony Finelli’s Garage, Balzic said,“I’m gonna say somethin’, and I want you to think about it. I know you got the makin’s of a good cop or else I wouldn’t’ve done any talkin’ for you, alright? But even if you get this thing with your mother-in-law straightened out, and you’re able to move here? It’s not gonna be any picnic for you here, you know that, right?”
“Yeah I know that.”
“Well from my own experience I’m gonna tell you somethin’. The worst is domestics. Inside the residence? They’re fire, man. You say the wrong thing, you may as well be spittin’ gasoline. But the next worst—and it’s really gonna be tough for you if you don’t think ’em out before you get outta the car. That’s the ones between the neighbors. T-D-K-P-S. Trees, dogs, kids, parkin’ spaces, man, I’m tellin’ you, they’re dynamite lookin’ for a fuse. And when you show up? You? All these hunkies and dags, especially the old ones, what they’re gonna see first, before they see the uniform, what they’re gonna see is your skin. And if you don’t come on super cool, calm, and collected, they’re gonna turn on you, no matter what the beef was that prompted the call.”
“I know that.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think you know why.”
“I think I know why.”
“No, excuse me, but I don’t think you do, you’re too young. This goes back to when the unions were startin’ to organize, way before my time, but not before my father’s time. The steelworkers and the miners, when they were tryin’ to organize in the early part of this century, whether they walked out or got locked out, it didn’t matter which. ’Cause if it went on for too long, the owners, they’d bring in the scabs. And guess what color most of them were. They also brought in the immigrants too, the new hunkies and the new wops. But the immigrants, eventually they could blend in. Not so with the blacks. And that shit? That old resentment over them bein’ scabs? That’s still here, man. Even though those unions are dead. ’Cause the owners, that animosity between the old union guys and the scabs? The owners worked that, man, they worked that to their benefit for years and years. Decades. And it’s still here, don’t think it isn’t. I swear I think sometimes it got passed down through the genes.”
“I do know that,” Rayford said. “I have read my history.”
“Yeah? Well good. But knowin’ it is one thing. Havin’ to deal with the results, that’s somethin’ else again. What I’m tellin’ you is, you gotta be real careful how you get outta the car. Be real careful how fast you walk up on people. And especially be real careful to keep your distance, three steps at least, and if you gotta get physical with somebody, unless it looks like somebody’s gonna get hurt bad or killed, don’t even think about doin’ it without backup. And even with backup, you be absolutely sure you don’t let anybody get behind you. These
things over trees, dog shit, parkin’ spaces, I’m tellin’ ya, people come outta the houses with everything you can think of in their hands, every tool they got in their cellar, everything they got in their kitchen. So you make sure their hands’re empty when they’re comin’ to see what the noise is about.
“And don’t forget the spectators. Worst beatin’ I ever took on the job was from a woman I coulda picked up with one hand. And all because I didn’t think she packed the will or the gear. Big mistake. She hit me with a metal servin’ spoon, caught me in the throat with the first one, second one right under the nose, third one I managed to get my arm up, that’s when I saw the knife in her other hand. Look here.” Balzic pulled his sleeve up and nodded to the scar on his left forearm.
“Twenty-three stitches to close that up, and what fooled me was she never said a word. Had her hands behind her, just walked up and started swingin’. Turned out the guy I was cuffin’ was her son. God only knows why she swung the spoon first, ’cause if she’da swung the knife first? She’da laid my throat open, I never saw it comin’. That was the first time I ever pulled my piece on anybody. ’Cause I did everything wrong. Didn’t call for backup, never challenged her, never looked at her hands, and soon as she caught me with the spoon, he started kickin’ at me, her son, so I had to resort to usin’ my piece. I’m backin’ up, blood flyin’ everywhere, I’m tryin’ to get my piece out, they’re both comin’ at me, I finally clear my piece, I’m screamin’ get on the ground or I’ll kill you both. And thank God, they did.
“But from then on, buddy boy, nobody walked into my space they didn’t show their hands, I didn’t care who else was there or what else was goin’ on. Fuckin’ pope himself, he walked up on me, he’da had to show me what he was holdin’. What I’m sayin’ is—and you can’t ever forget this—their animosity for you goes a lot deeper than it ever did for me. And you can’t forget that. Not for half a second. Not for a tenth of a second. ’Cause nobody’s reaction time is as fast as somebody else’s action time. Burn that into your brain.”
Balzic got out, and went and talked to somebody standing under a lift using a hammer and chisel to take a rusted exhaust system off a Nissan.
Rayford got out and went and stood beside Balzic.
“What year’s your Toyota?”
“Eighty-seven.”
“Twelve-volt, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So whatta ya say, Tony? Got somebody go up City Hall, put a battery in this kid’s car?”
“Soon’s I get this thing off. Sent my kid out to get a whole new system for this forty-five minutes ago, he still ain’t back. Which means either he’s makin’ it himself or else he thinks I forgot where the Nissan garage is. Eighty-seven Toyota, huh? Whatta ya want, three-year, four-year, five-year, what?”
“Best you got,” Balzic said, ignoring Rayford’s protest that he couldn’t afford the best. “Put it on this,” Balzic said, taking a Visa card out of his wallet and holding it up first for Finelli to see and then for Rayford, who continued to protest.
“Aw stop it. You can pay me back a buck a week for the next two years.”
“Buck a week? Man, how much you wanna make on this deal?”
“What’s it gonna cost me, Tony?”
“With tax, seventy-four nineteen. Just sold one, that’s how I know—holy Christ, finally, you’re back. What the hell you doin’?”
A teenage boy who bore a strong familial resemblance to Finelli shuffled up, shrugged, and said, “They were busy.”
“Busy? They were so busy it took you forty-five minutes to go one mile there and back, is that what you’re tellin’ me?”
“Yeah, right, they were busy.”
Finelli gave the tailpipe one final whack and ducked out of the way to avoid the rust as it clattered to the floor. “Hey, Albert, your mother says I gotta put you to work, so I lay off a guy worked for me for three years to do that? And you’re gonna disappear for forty-five minutes at a time? Don’t ever do that again. Where is it?”
“Where’s what?”
“Where’s what—Jesus, what did I send you to get, huh?”
“Oh. Out in the truck.”
“How’s it gonna get on this car if it’s out there? I’m s’posed to carry it in? Hey, I don’t care what your mother says. This is the last time I’m tellin’ you, you pull this crap again I’ll take you down the recruitin’ office myself, I’ll enlist you in the goddamn marines for four years, see how you like that. What, you forgot Bill was sick? You forgot I’m here by myself?”
“They were busy I’m tellin’ you.”
Finelli wiped his hands on a rag and disappeared into another part of the shop, calling out, “I gotta go up town, put a battery in this guy’s car. You better be here when I get back, you hear me? You walk outta here like last week, you’re not gonna be livin’ in my house tonight, and that’s not a threat, Albert, that’s a promise.”
“Jesus, whatta you want from me, I can’t help it other people ain’t on your schedule.”
Finelli came back out wheeling a battery on a dolly. “What do I want, huh? I just told ya: be here when I get back, okay?”
“Yeah yeah. Where’m I gonna go on what you pay me?”
Finelli stopped short wheeling the battery outside, causing Balzic to bump into his back. Finelli started to say something else to his son, but Balzic held up his hands. “Hey, Tony, fight with your kid later, okay? Please? Better yet, talk to your wife.”
“Yeah, yeah, right, let’s go. I’ll follow youse up there, go on. City Hall, right? Where am I gonna go on what you pay me, fuck me. My son’s a fucking load, he don’t wanna work, my wife’s been babyin’ him since the day he was born. Ah fuck’s the use.”
Balzic waited until he and Rayford were in his car before he said, “Think you got family problems, huh? Wanna trade yours for his?”
“I’ll keep mine, thanks, but listen, about this battery, man—”
“Don’t worry about it. See, from now on, every time you see me you’ll have to listen to my stories. You try to escape, your conscience’ll bother the shit outta you. I know what I’m doin’.”
1999
RAYFORD HUNG up from talking to his wife more disgusted and discouraged than he was Monday in the marriage counselor’s office. The third marriage counselor. In six years. Right before their hour was up Monday Rayford said, “Charmane? You remember I told you I passed the sergeant’s test? Well, baby, they goin’ give it to me, you hear?”
“Been sayin’ that for how long now? They give it to you yet?”
“They goin’ to, that’s what I’m sayin’. And you know what that means? Big raise, huh? You hear what I’m sayin’?”
“You hear what I’m sayin’, William? I’m not movin’ my momma to no got-damn Rocksburg, I don’t care how much raise you get. I been tellin’ you that for six years now, when you think it might sink in, huh? And how many times do I have to remind you Pittsburgh got a large police department? They lookin’ for apps all the time.”
On the phone today it had been a rerun. That’s when he’d said, “And when you goin’ understand they haven’t put a class through their academy in more’n four years, how many times I got to tell you that? You say I don’t listen to you, you cap all over my ass to that counselor—who was your choice, remember that? This one was your choice, you picked this one—”
“I know whose choice she was, why you keep remindin’ me?”
“ ’Cause the first two was mine—”
“And they were both men!”
“Well now you got you a woman!”
“Both men, both Jews. You know I ain’t goin’ listen to no Jew tell me how to act, bad as they treat their women.”
“So now this one’s yours and she keep askin’ the same questions them Jews did—”
“Oh she does not, what you talkin’ ’bout?”
“—don’t interrupt me—”
“Oh listen to you, you the king, right? Don’t interrupt me, don’t i
nterrupt me, that’s all you say. All you can say.”
“See how you do? And yet you just shut your mind to that one fact I keep tellin’ you every got-damn time we talk—talk, shit, we don’t talk. I talk, you look out the got-damn window—”
“And I talk, you look at your got-damn shoes!”
“Oh why we doin’ this mess, Charmane, can you tell me? And if you can’t tell me that, tell me why do I love you, can you tell me that? Least tell me that much, shit!”
“I don’t know if you don’t know.”
“Aw bullshit, Charmane, this is bullshit, baby. I love you, you know that. I love you like the first day. More. Worse. Love you worse than the first day, I didn’t get sick that first day. I got sick that night, yeah, right, if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’—”
“And I’m sayin’ good-byein’.” And she hung up.
Rayford growled at the phone and wanted to bite it. That’s me, he thought. Police dog. William Milton K-9 Rayford. Growlin’ and wantin’ to bite, I need to be on a leash, need a motherfuckin’ handler, that’s what I need, don’t need no got-damn marriage counselor. And I’m not even no grown-up K-9, I’m a motherfuckin’ puppy! Puppy motherfucker, that’s me. Baby, why do I let you do that to me? Ten years! Ten years of this bullshit and I’m still as crazy for you as the first night, what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I ever goin’ get over this shit?
Aw shut your mind up, William, get your gear on, get your duty face on, man, get to gittin’, it’s time to go to work.
But in the middle of putting on his summer-weight black trousers, it all started again. Got-damn you, Charmane, be so easy to get me a lawyer, file the papers, send you a copy, do the drill, wait it out, get on with my life. Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I love somebody else? Every woman I’m with, get ’em in the bed, all I see is you, can’t stop my mind from showin’ home movies of you, can’t stop my body from feelin’ you under me, beside me, on top of me— is this all this is? Pussy? Is this what I’m crazy about? ’Cause nobody fuck like you? Is that what all this mess is?…. Got-damn counselor ask me am I unfaithful to you? Shit, I ain’t unfaithful to you, I’m unfaithful to every woman I jump, can’t fuck none of their sorry asses without thinkin’ how much I’d rather be with you. Be better off polishin’ my knob than be with these women, all they do is remind me how much they ain’t you.
Saving Room for Dessert Page 2
