Swinging slightly back and forth, with a faint breeze caressing my cheeks, I let my gaze roam around the park. Close to me was a small clearing where an old lady and two children were playing ball.
The kids’ laughter made me think of my own childhood for a moment. Mom carrying a basket for a picnic, Dad carrying me on his back because I was too tired to walk, our loud laughter as our kite was finally swaying in the blue sky after trying so hard to make it fly.
I stared at the kids running around until their silhouettes began to blur from the stupid tears clouding my eyes. It was funny how I’d tried to avoid crying for such a long time and now it seemed like it was the only thing I did.
I took a deep, shaky breath as my eyes rested on a slouched figure on the other side of the park. He was smoking a cigarette and blowing small circles of smoke into the air, and had dirty blond hair. I recognized him immediately. Nathan Rivers.
No way. What the hell is he doing here?
Flustered, I averted my eyes as my feet started to trace lines in the dirt. But once again, curiosity got the best of me. The guy was as annoying as he was intriguing. I put my bottle away in my small backpack and walked toward him. He raised his head as he heard me approach. His gray eyes narrowed, and a small smile played across his lips.
Biting my lip, I frowned. “What are you doing here?”
His lips twitched as he suppressed a smile. “It’s a park. And again, it’s a free country, remember?” He raised an eyebrow while crossing his arms. “However, I should ask, are you following me?” He had a smug look on his face.
Perplexed at his accusation, I tried to explain myself. “I’m not following you.” My eyes turned to the building’s large window. “I have an appointment.” As soon as the words left my mouth, my eyes widened. Why on earth did I blurt that out? Especially to him?
The fact I was going to therapy was not something I’d want anyone to know. Looking everywhere but at him, I bit my lip once more and rubbed my sweaty palms against my jeans.
“I was supposed to be in therapy,” he said in a low voice, like it was something he didn’t like to share with anyone, either. He looked away from me as I stared at him. Surprised at his confession, I sat opposite him, leaving half a bench between us.
Nathan Rivers in therapy? Well, the guy must have issues if the rumors about him hitting other people were true. Maybe anger-management issues.
Intrigued, I studied him with avid eyes. He had long, curved eyelashes. The kind that make girls jealous because he’s a guy and doesn’t really pay attention to such things. His nose was straight and his cheekbones were sharp. His lips were well-defined as well. My mouth went dry as I realized how handsome he really was.
Disturbed at my thoughts, I averted my eyes and examined my shoes as I changed the subject. “So, why aren’t you?” I asked shyly, still troubled by my previous thoughts.
“I wanted to have a cigarette and Mrs. Pierce doesn’t like it.” I glanced at him. He shook his head, amused. “It’s not that we talk much or anything. I just come here to make my parents feel better.” He rolled his eyes.
Silence surrounded us. Calmly, I looked around. In the building facing us, a young woman was staring through the window. I thought she was watching us, and my eyes narrowed at her. Nathan snorted, making me snap my head back to him. He was gazing at the young woman too. “You have just met your future therapist.”
“Why were you leaning next to my locker?” I blurted out, ignoring his previous remark.
Nathan stepped on the rest of his cigarette before looking at me. “I don’t know.” He sounded sincere. “There’s something about you.” His brows were furrowed, and he shook his head slightly, as if he was trying to solve an equation.
I scrunched my nose. “Sorry to burst your bubble, dude. I’m the least interesting person ever.” My life sucks. His charcoal eyes bored into me. My heart started to thump unsteadily inside my rib cage as my mouth went dry. “You make me uncomfortable.”
He suppressed a smile. Tilting his head, he steadily held my gaze. “In a good or a bad way?”
Scratching my neck, I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just awkward,” I confessed sincerely before biting my lip. I looked back at the woman at the window. Mrs. Pierce was still there, watching us. I turned to find Nathan’s gray eyes still piercing through me.
“See?” My voice came out high-pitched. Nathan’s lips tugged up in an absolutely breathtaking smile that made my heart skip a beat and left me petrified for the longest of moments.
“I think it’s time for your appointment, Cass.” He shook his head and nodded to the woman. She smiled and waved at him. “See you in class, Taylor,” he added as he walked away. I stared after him dumbfounded, following him with my eyes until he hopped in his truck and drove away. I swallowed hard.
What the hell?
Still flustered, I trotted through the park to the modern-style building where my therapist was waiting for me.
She wasn’t what I expected, at all.
Her office was as unusual as she was. It smelled like vanilla with cinnamon. Kind of a homey smell. I saw an incense burner in the back corner of the room, next to a carved statue of a Hindu elephant god. Actually, the whole office looked mystical in some modern way. It was also quite colorful. There were two love seats facing each other. One was bright pink and the other was sky blue. The walls were white, with different abstract paintings hanging on them. My favorite part of the room was the large bookshelf that entirely covered the wall on the back. Next to it was a small desktop in front of the window that overlooked the park.
Mrs. Pierce seemed to be around her early thirties and was wearing a bright red tank top with blue jeans. Her auburn hair was pulled up in a ponytail, and she had several earrings in both ears. Her smile was friendly as she let me in. Unusually, there hadn’t been a waiting room or a secretary. I stumbled to the blue couch, wondering what on earth Dr. Simmons was thinking by sending me here. The old man was losing it.
As I sat in this colorful room, I couldn’t really picture Nathan going through therapy. Especially not here. I’d always thought therapists’ offices were supposed to be bland, painted in calming tones or something like that. This was the complete opposite.
“Cassandra?” Her hazel eyes blinked at me.
“Sorry.”
“I’m Amanda.” Mrs. Pierce smiled at me and stretched out her hand. “Nice to meet you.” She sat on her pink couch and crossed her legs as she examined me, looking curious and amused. “I have to ask, how do you know Nathan?”
My eyes were still roaming around the room as I shrugged. “We go to school together.” Shouldn’t she already know that? I’m pretty sure she has my file somewhere.
Grinning, she grabbed a pencil from the small coffee table set between the love seats. “It’s the first time I’ve seen him talking to someone,” she said, almost to herself. She pulled out a notebook and scribbled something in it. “So—” she cleared her throat, “—why are you here?”
I stayed quiet for a moment as I bit my lip. My right hand traced the scar on my left wrist. “I’m sure you already know, Mrs. Pierce.” By her knowing look, it was clear she did.
“Please call me Amanda. Do you mind if I call you Cassie?”
I shook my head as she left the notebook on her legs. “I have read your file, yes. But I would like to hear the whole story from you.”
Taking a deep breath, I looked into her eyes. She seemed really nice, but it was just too painful to go over everything once more. I turned around, and my eyes caught the beautiful lavender and blue colors on one of the paintings.
Do this for Dad. For Mom. Even for you.
My jaw quivered as a shaky breath left my lips. With a heavy heart, I began telling her the whole story. How I didn’t know how to deal with Mom’s cancer and how I tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. How I withdrew from everyone. How much it hurt to see Mom’s cold body on her bed that awful morning when she passed away.
And how much I hated myself to the point of wanting to end my life. She listened closely to everything I had to say, but she never took notes. She was genuinely immersed in my story.
I hadn’t realized I was crying until Amanda passed me a box of tissues I had missed on a small table next to me. When I finished talking, it was already dark outside.
Her hazel eyes were brimming with tears. She cleared her throat and gave me a sad smile. “Thank you for telling me this, Cassie. I know it was hard, but I appreciate it.” Not knowing what to say, I simply nodded. “How do you feel right now?” she asked.
Silence reigned.
I felt like shit. Heartbroken. Guilty.
I simply shrugged and murmured an okay instead.
Her eyes were soft as she sighed. Shaking her head, she murmured, “You’re not. You’re everything but okay. You look sad, really sad. And that’s just how you look on the outside. I want to know how you’re feeling right now.”
I swallowed hard. “It’s been almost three months. I should be feeling better, shouldn’t I?”
“Are you?”
My eyes brimmed with tears once again. My heart constricted and my breath hitched. No. I’m not. If anything, I felt worse. I missed Mom like crazy, and I felt like I didn’t have the right to. How could I? I didn’t pay attention to her when she was alive. After the first year, I’d slowly pulled away from her. It was easier to walk away than face her dying such a slow death every single day. What kind of person could do that to her own mother?
“I think my time’s up,” I said, my voice trembling.
Amanda stared at me for a moment before leaving her notebook on the table. Her lips formed a tight line as if she was struggling to tell me something she shouldn’t. She gestured with her hand that I was free to go, and I didn’t hesitate. I grabbed my now-empty bottle of water and walked out.
Before I reached the threshold, she said, “You are not a bad person, Cassandra. You’re just a girl trying to survive in your own way. And you’re distraught. You have to acknowledge that.”
My heart ached at her words. Did it make a difference? Mom was gone. I had to live with that. With the empty feeling inside my chest; with the constant reminder of what an awful person I had been.
Clenching my fists, I swallowed hard. My chest felt tight as I trotted down the stairs. My feet gained speed as I left the building. I ran all the way back home.
Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I reached the house. I kneeled on the porch as a sob escaped my lips. Thankfully, Dad was still out, so he wouldn’t see what a mess I was.
I climbed up to my room and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter Four
The next morning, Dad’s baby-blue eyes watched me with concern as we ate breakfast at the kitchen counter. I was having a small bowl of cereal and a banana for his sake. I still wasn’t hungry, and I was sleepy all the time. I literally had to drag myself around my room to get ready.
“How was your appointment? Did you like her?”
Nonchalantly, I lifted my shoulders in a vague way as I ate my banana. “She’s okay,” I said as I finished.
“Huh.” Dad looked dubious. “I invited Marie for dinner this week.” He shook his head. “Well, she’s actually bringing the dinner, but we’re having it here; isn’t that nice of her?”
He seemed nervous. My scalp prickled with unease, and I tried to dismiss the feeling. Still, something seemed fishy here.
“Yeah,” I said, trying to sound indifferent.
Dad’s shoulders sagged. “I think so too.”
We finished the rest of breakfast in silence, and he drove me to school once again. The uneasiness was still with me as I climbed up the stairs to the main entrance, and when I walked through the hallways on the way to my locker. I forgot about it when I saw Farah right next to it, waiting for me. She was pretty much bouncing up and down. Her cheeriness made me smile for a moment. She stopped bouncing and grinned back at me.
“Hi!” She kept beaming. “I’ve got to tell you something!” I greeted her and grabbed my biology book as she kept talking. “I got detention yesterday. Don’t ask.” She stared at me pointedly as I frowned at her words. “Anyway, I walk inside the D room, and I found myself swooning at the most handsome guys in school! There was this particular guy who was just drool worthy, I mean seriously hot, and well, I obviously had to sit next to him.” Her eyes took on a dreamy look. “And you know what? He actually talked to me! Me! He told me where he hangs out with his friends at lunch, and we are so joining them!”
We had reached our classroom by now. As we took our seats, worry washed over me. “Does he have a name?” A dreamy breath left her mouth as she gazed into the distance. “Farah?” I slumped in my seat. Bemused, I added, “I really do want to know what you did to land in detention.”
She rolled her eyes. “I was late for Spanish.” I raised an eyebrow. “For the third time this week.”
“How can you be late for Spanish? Mr. Gomez is, like, the nicest man ever.” She pressed her lips together as I added, “And meeting a guy in detention seems fishy. He’s obviously a troublemaker.”
She made a face at me. “He’s hot, okay? And you shouldn’t be prejudiced, Cass!”
I shouldn’t be. Especially me. Furrowing my brows, I looked at her. “Did he actually ask you to come?”
Farah rolled her eyes. “He didn’t have to,” she said in a “duh” tone. Grinning once again, she leaned closer to my desk. “This is the first time we’re having an actual conversation, Cass.” Her tone was excited, and I couldn’t help but feel bad about it. Because this really was the first time I’d ever asked her questions.
Talk about a lousy friend.
“Well, look’s who’s here!” Marissa stood in front of me speaking loudly so everyone would look over. Annoyed at her attitude, I turned to her as she towered over my desk. Her chocolate eyes looked down at me coldly. “Hi, Cassie, it’s been a while. I didn’t know you were already back,” she said in a sickly-sweet voice as she leaned down to me, wearing a fake smile.
“Hi, Marissa.” I forced a smile too. Trying to be polite, I gestured to Farah, who was gaping at her. “Have you met Farah? She’s from Colorado.”
Marissa ignored my friend as she swirled a strand of hair around her finger. “I’m sure you’ve heard about Tom and me.”
“Yes.” My gaze moved to Meredith for a second. She was right behind Marissa, and her eyes widened in panic as she looked away from us. “Good for you.” I shrugged noncommittally.
Marissa’s eyes twitched. “He’s mine, Cassandra.” She sounded resentful. Which surprised me. I guessed I’d never noticed how much she liked him. I probably hurt her whenever Tom and I kissed. Guilt twisted in my chest. The worst part was I’d never really cared for him.
Biting my lip, I tried to sound sincere, “I am happy for you. Tom’s a nice guy.”
She narrowed her eyes. “He is. And he’s not interested in you.” She looked pointedly at me. “And you look like crap, by the way.” Well, at least she was being honest too.
“Hey!” Farah protested just as the teacher came into the room. Marissa went her way but not before glaring at me with loathing.
I swallowed hard. No wonder she wasn’t my real friend. I never noticed she was into Tom. You just never actually cared, I thought. I had been the worst friend to her as well.
“She’s such a bitch,” Farah muttered angrily before adjusting her glasses.
Guilt washed over me as I looked to the front. “She’s right, Farah.”
“No, she’s not.”
Sighing, I shook my head. “You don’t really know me, do you?” My stomach plummeted to the floor as soon as the words left my mouth. Grimacing, I turned to look at my only friend. Her blue eyes were sad and hurt at the same time. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” I whispered as the teacher began class.
Farah turned to her notebook as I bit my lip. Stupid, stupid Cassie.
After class, I hastily gathered
my things and hurried after Farah, who had left as soon as the bell rang. I wanted to apologize to her. I was such a moron. Luckily, she wasn’t hard to find, since she was actually waiting for me next to the classroom’s door.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out as soon as my eyes landed on her.
She was holding her books pressed against her chest. She held them closer to her before she pursed her lips. “You should be. That was mean.”
Breathing out, I nodded. “I told you, I’m not a good friend.”
A small smile crossed her face. “You are, Cassie. You feel bad, and you just apologized.” A mischievous glint played in her eyes. “And since you’re feeling so bad, you are going to stalk my future boyfriend with me.”
Groaning, I sulked, “Yeah, okay. Whatever.” She chuckled at me. As we walked through the hallways in silence for our next class, a though popped into my head. Could it be Nathan?
Apprehension encased me. For starters, I shouldn’t be dreading the answer since he was such a weirdo. But at the same time, it felt nice to know a side to him that he didn’t show anyone else. It made me feel special in a way. Which was totally not important. Ugh.
Plus, he was absolutely gorgeous. Not that it mattered, but still. And he had this breathtaking lopsided smile that seemed to only show up on special occasions.
Oh my God, stop thinking about him.
Annoyed at myself, I gazed at Farah for a moment as we reached her locker. “Is he that Rivers guy?” I asked nonchalantly.
She blinked at me. “Who?” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. What the hell? Farah’s blue eyes narrowed. “Who is Rivers?”
Clearing my throat, I muttered, “He’s no one.”
She grabbed my arm, stopping me altogether. “No, no, no. You have to spill the beans, sister!”
“He’s really no one. Just some random guy I bumped into the other day,” I murmured nonchalantly.
A knowing smile played on her face as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. In a totally superior way, I might add. “He doesn’t seem like no one, Cass.”
Hopelessly Imperfect (Imperfect #1) Page 4
