I don’t go.
I’m the rebel.
I head North.
_____
MARCH 20, 1996
Instead of letters like a decade ago, Pam now sends me faxes about visiting Marla Maples Trump at the Mar-A-Lago club in Palm Beach. While in Florida, Pam swims with dolphins and parties with her girlfriends. She mentions that Donald (who she says had hit on her) offered her a job selling memberships at Mar-A-Lago, but it would mean moving to Palm Beach by September. Donald agreed to her salary request, and the money would be nice and the contacts great, but she loves Aspen. I recall the time she and Gary were taking Marla and Donald Trump to Arizona football games in a black limousine. Those were the better days. I picture this event as strange and déclassé in the cow town of Tucson. Aspen seems to agree with her now.
Pam with Marla Trump
Marlago, FL
1996 FOR YOU TO PONDER, PAM
The Hole (fax sent to Pam)
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN 5 SHORT CHAPTERS
BY PORTIA NELSON
There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless...
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still fall in... it’s a habit...
But my eyes are open.
I see it is there.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Five
I walk down a different street.
_____
APRIL, 1996
Police have confiscated Ronald Young’s personal mail and papers showing a personal relationship between Young and Pam. It appears that he was more than her bookkeeper.
_____
JUNE 5, 1996
Pam, Pam, Pam. You look tired and sad. We have years to catch up on. Pam has invited me to Aspen after I have visited friends in Sheridan, Wyoming. I arrive in my boots for I fancy myself as a cowgirl, a cowgirl with no ranch or horse. Pam lives in a small rented duplex on Bunny Lane with her kids who are now 5 and 8. Lois is adorable but angry. Trevor is smooth and wants to study magic and own a gambling casino like his Dad. One of Pam’s nannies just quit, and Pam’s response is to find a Big Brother for Trevor. Lois regularly yells at Pam, accusing her of not being a mother and wanting to live with “Sissy” in New York. I’m told Sissy is Heather, Gary’s daughter by his first wife, Lois’s stepsister.
_____
PAM’S FAX: 1996
No men in my life, the last one was pothole #3 -- and just when I thought I had achieved walking around the hole -- I guess I’m far from walking down another street. This guy was helping with my accounting and forged 2 checks $3500 total which the bank will give back thru bonding -- but he hit about 3 others in town for $50,000-$70,000-$30,000. I’m the one who caught my check right away and tipped everyone else off so they could look at what he was doing with their accounts- and guess what? The guy has taken off and the police are looking for him. I can’t stand it -how do I keep pulling in this energy? It’s only a matter of degree -with the kids’ father being the worst ever. I don’t trust my judgment at all right now. I retreat to the unconditional love of children and support of girlfriends.
Still don’t know if I’m moving to Florida -- I am in the void, praying for signals or clarity.
Love you, Pam
_____
AUGUST 7, 1996
In the newspaper today, I find out that Aspen police have issued a warrant for Young’s scams on Aspen people, Pam included. Although she curiously did not press charges like the others. This was the guy that stole from her. It seems Ronald Young has flown the Aspen coop.
_____
AUGUST 27, 1996
Pam takes me up on the Silver Queen gondola to the top of Aspen Mountain. We both love it up there, away from everyone, and have much to catch up on. Almost ten years worth, reminiscing about her life in Tucson. She details her turbulent marriage with Gary and how she had to run for her life and get the kids to safety in Aspen. She was afraid of his temper and likened it to OJ Simpson. She especially hated his insatiable sexual appetite and how she couldn’t even dress in front of him without his wanting to jump on her. Even her huge yellow wedding diamond turned out to be fake.
She now has a restraining order against Gary. I tell her I am sorry I had to depart from her life when she married Gary, and I could see that her time with him was dark and dangerous as I had foreseen.
I ask Pam what happened to sweet Ed. She said that they had found him dead in Northern California. It looked like suicide. “But”, she said,” I think Gary had him killed because he knew I loved him. Gary was extremely jealous.” I question if Gary was capable of that kind of jealousy, and she says yes, especially fueled by cocaine. We lament that Ed was not the type to commit suicide. His upbeat personality and love of his two little boys and life did not indicate a self-destructive nature. I agree with Pam that Ed was possibly murdered.
Her first husband, Stu, also died around this time in 1987.
Pam said, “Stu changed his name to Jason and was living with a gay man.”
Pam and Royal on top of Aspen Mountain
_____
AUGUST 28, 1996
With another glass of wine in hand, Pam lights candles in her small Bunny Lane condo as we continue to catch up on the past decade. Pam shares how Gary was into cocaine, becoming increasingly violent, and associating with shady business characters. Pam laments the loss of the significant financial gains she brought into the marriage and notes Gary owes lots of money to many people, including some Las Vegas casinos. She says she wouldn’t be surprised if his assorted and less-than-ethical business dealings with the Papago Indians, Chinese, and Mexican Underground will eventually get him killed.
_____
AUGUST 29, 1996
Pam says we are going down town to the Caribou Club to dance. I ask her if my cowgirl attire is okay. She says it is more than okay. We enter an unmarked heavy wooden door. No signs. Just PRIVATE. The décor is southwestern which I love. We go up to the bar where I order a virgin Bloody Mary and Pam orders a glass of wine. Next to me was Kevin Costner. He seemed quiet and was rather handsome looking. We moved onto the dance floor. I shouldn’t have worn my cowboy boots.
I wondered how she could afford to be a member of this exclusive club since she is barely working for a real estate company.
_____
SEPTEMBER 2, 1996
Pam tells me she is working hard on her Starbabies launching and is looking for the right syndicator. I love the idea that parents can know their baby’s astrological layout when they are born, see where their child’s strengths lie, and know more about their offspring. I’m happy Pam is really into this endeavor. I offer to write about it in my column in the Montecito Journal newspaper. And tell all my childbirth students about it. I ask for flyers. She has paid someone for the layout design and it is very charming. The blue coloring is the same as Tiffany & Company’s wrapping.
_____
OCTOBER 5, 1996
The news reports that a Dodge van rented by Ronald Young before he left Aspen is found in Yorba Linda, California. Inside the abandoned car, the police found a map of Tucson, Pam and Gary’s divorce papers, and a sawed-off shotgun and a Taser. I
am curious about what is truly going on. When I ask Pam about it, she falls silent and says, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
_____
OCTOBER 15, 1996
I get a frantic call from Captain Jim, who says, “Please hurry over, I think I am dying.” He is now in his 80’s. I rush down and there he sits in his bed, not able to move his right side. He apparently had a stroke. I called 911 and requested an ambulance. Captain Jim was mostly worried about his Cocker Spaniel. I assured him she would be taken care of. I called his family. Knowing that he wanted to be cremated, I had asked him what he wanted us to do with his ashes. He always replied, “Just flush me down the toilet.” He waited to pass away until my surfer son, Erik, flew in from Fiji and we were all there to say goodbye.
_____
OCTOBER 20, 1996
We decide to have a ceremony for Captain Jim in front of his old home on Edgecliff Lane on the beach. His children flew out and Erik paddled his ashes out on his surfboard. I read a poem I had written and we all joined in with personal eulogies. Captain had been the number one pilot for United Airlines and as we concluded at sunset, a flock of pelicans zoomed overhead right on cue.
Again, no Pam!
Captain Jim on motorcycle
Erik surfs Tavarua, Fiji
_____
NOV 1, 1996
Did I hear that right? Fox News showed a car belonging to Gary Triano in flames and blown to bits in Arizona. It is his birthday and some one left a “package” on the seat. He had just played golf at La Paloma Country Club. The “package” was a pipe bomb. Alarm spread through my body. Some one had murdered Pam’s ex-husband. I am in shock. He did have a lot of enemies that he had double-crossed. My thoughts fly to Pam and what about her kids? That was their Daddy. Holy Mother of God! The phone rings and Merv asks if I heard the horrible news.
_____
NOV 2, 1996
I call Pam to see if she is okay. No one answers. I leave a message that I would be willing to fly over and be with her at this drastic time.
I worry about her children.
_____
NOV 9, 1996
I finally hear from Pam. She sounds like a zombie. She says, “Many people hated Gary and wanted to see him dead.” I offer to fly over but she said they would be okay.
_____
AUGUST 16, 1997
I return to Aspen to help Pam find a new house. We look at a modern structure. A million dollar house on Meadowood. It has a sweeping view of the mountains and ski run. We talk about how it could be redecorated and the possibilities. She makes some offers. I wonder where she is going to get the money. The life insurance policy she was paying for on Gary was to go to the children.
_____
SEPTEMBER 20, 1997
I first heard about Michael during one of those late night calls. Pam says she is wildly in love. Michael is originally from Minnesota like her and is going to put in all marble baths in the house she just bought on Meadowood Drive in Aspen. She wants an all-marble kitchen, yet she doesn’t cook. But she does make good strong coffee. I hate marble because it reminds me of the first home Mutzie built in Palm Springs. I call Mutzie’s house the marble crypt because the entire front of the house is solid marble with no windows. Pam says she will help Michael with a new marble company. She sweetly sends Michael over to Santa Barbara from Aspen to deliver to me her two life-sized bronze temple figures from Thailand. Gary had bought them and she didn’t like them as I did. During his visit, Michael laments about Pam and recounts scandals he heard about Gary and Pam in Tucson. Michael seems to have really fallen for her.
_____
NOVEMBER 4, 1997
Pam! To be told that I should not join you for Christmas because you are going to important parties and there won’t be invitations that include me really stings. I had to write you and fax about my feelings. Sometimes you just blow my mind with your coldness. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I don’t think you’ve learned anything from me about consideration for others.
_____
NOVEMBER 4, 1997
FAX TO ASPEN, COLORADO
Dear Pam:
Thank you for inviting me to spend Xmas holidays with you. I tried my best to get there. Very difficult from here. I wish you’d have told me before I started down this path about your parties. I appreciate your consideration but I also feel manipulated. So, we shall leave it at this: Maybe when and if I go to Wyoming in the summer, I can swing through again. But this is only if you invite me and you think the invitation completely through. I never go where I am not wanted...it’s a rule of mine. You taught ME long ago not to belabor relationships. To move on quickly. So, I sense that this isn’t a good time all the way around and I am glad you were open with me before I got there. Maybe you are being protective which would be sweet. I have grown tremendously since our days in Tucson and your old Auntie just wants the best for herself now as well as others. I have given my very best to you, often putting you before my own children. (Not meant for GUILT--just a fact). Just know where I am coming from NOW and respect it. That is what I ask. Happy holidays and lots of snow! You, Trevor and Lois are welcome here in Santa Barbara.
I love you,
Aunt Royal
_____
JANUARY 6, 1998
After her house is finished and Michael is done installing marble, Pam goes off with another man. This one we call Piggy, and he is the largest slaughterer of pigs in the world. Pam makes many trips to Texas to purchase furniture and decorations for Piggy’s Aspen house, which truly looks like a castle. She complains that he wants her to just sit by his side like a loyal dog. But she is not that type. Not at all.
_____
MARCH 8, 1998
You call me from Virginia. You have flown there to meet Piggy’s family. It is a familiar phone call. You seem to be saying you are special to be in these opulent settings.
_____
SPRING, 1998
Piggy is taking Pam, her kids and the Mexican maid to NYC. The maid will look after the kids while Pam is going to get her nose done. I am astounded at this. “You have a nose like mine, sweetheart. We have small, cute noses. What’s wrong?” Pam tells me her nose is getting wider. She wants to have it shaved down to be more narrow. I tell her that all beauty emanates from the inside. She is beautiful the way she is. I think it falls on deaf ears.
I think she should have her ears looked into!!
Pam, Piggy and kids, NYC
_____
MAY 5, 1998
Snubbed and without the promised marble company, Michael seeks revenge by writing defamatory letters in the local newspaper. He then yells at Pam in an Aspen restaurant, shouting: “Pam fucks for money!”
I encourage Pam to get a restraining order like she did after her divorce against Gary because of his violence. But Michael is not done with his sour grapes. Pam calls me from Piggy’s mansion and reads Michael’s letter to Piggy warning him about her. “She’ll start out soft and sweet, but watch out because later she’ll rip your balls off.” It was soon after this letter that Piggy moved on to another beautiful woman. Pam calls late again and laments about being replaced. She begins to repeat herself over and over. I tell her that it wasn’t meant to be and ask her not to call so late. Is she aware of our family’s high drama and alcoholic patterns? I am worried about her. She seems to be collecting a lot of bad energy.
_____
BALI 1998
SEPTEMBER 23, 1998
Ibu Karthi of Bali has invited me to give a speech to the 12th National Congress of Indonesian Midwives at the Grand Bali Beach Hotel, Sept. 24-28. She greets me with a hug and a cold drink. I was thinking that this congress would be small but it is huge with colored banners and entertainment. While the orchestra played, I was in a sea of 700 Indonesian midwives who came from all the different provinces. I think I am the only Caucasian. Bali is a Hindu island while all the rest are predominantly Muslim. The ladies have covered their heads with light gutra’s, some embroidered with flowers. Som
e Muslim women wear hats. It is not like Arabia. I am viewing a very ornate ceremony for the opening of this five-day event. My speech is the next day. I understand I will have an interpreter along with my presentation being recorded. HAVE WE FORGOTTEN FATHER is the title of my offering. My mission is to seed plant about having fathers involved with the knowledge of birth to unify the family. I have collected touching photographs of fathers and their babies through the years. I am having a struggle with the Kodak carousel as there seems to be only one in the building. The doctor doing a presentation on female circumcision is adamant about her slides. Talk about contrast.
I have also brought copies of THE COMPLETE BIRTH video for distribution. I am remembering Pam’s prediction that I would never be successful. If she could see me now!
Indonesian Midwife’s Conference, Bali
_____
OCEANIC ODYESSEY, ZEGRAHM EXPEDITIONS
OCTOBER 3, 1998
Here I am on the 3rd of October. I’m on the Oceanic Odyssey, which is a beautiful ship. I even have a little bathtub with hot water. My cabin is number 516. My dive buddy is a tall man from California named Mel. We are evenly matched. This will be absolute virgin diving. We are off to Sumbawa today.
_____
OCTOBER 4, 1998
I was witnessing circumcision ceremonies firsthand on this island. There were forty-one boys (orphans and impoverished) that were called Prince for a Day and wore paper crowns. It was a ritual lasting all morning. I gathered courage and filmed a great deal of this. There was great discussion about whether to use a palm leaf on the bloody rough plank under their little legs as an operating table. The boys were terrified and held down by force. Many of them had impetigo sores on their testicles. I cried all the way back to the boat in the Zodiac. This is a barbaric custom and even the little girls get circumcised. Muslim law. And now, of course, the boys all look the same. Just like America.
Circumcision Day, Sumbawa
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Ugly Duckling: A True Life Story of Beauty, Manipulation and Murder Page 7
