by Dori Lavelle
Since climbing into the truck, Kelsey hadn't said a word. Her eyes were closed, as if she wanted to shut him out, and her hands rested on her stomach. He wanted to reach out and comfort her, mend the pieces of her heart that he'd broken, but he couldn't. He'd done enough damage. He'd led her to believe he was ready to start an emotional relationship as well as a physical one. But the only thing he'd wanted was not to lose her. He'd thought he was doing the right thing by agreeing to date. Now he realized he should have given it more thought. She wanted it all or nothing.
They arrived in Dreara just as the clock struck eleven p.m.
Kelsey climbed out of the truck and gave him a bitter smile. "Let me know when you know how you really feel about me. What you really want. Make a choice."
She disappeared through her gate and Shaun remained in the truck for an hour, feeling as if he were suffocating. Both choosing and not choosing were equally difficult. If he let go of the past completely and chose Kelsey, he'd be betraying Carmen. And choosing the past would mean losing Kelsey and the hope of a future. He had no fuckin' idea what to do. But she hadn't officially called things off just yet.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EIGHT YEARS EARLIER
Two weeks before their pretend anniversary, Shaun asked for a day off. He woke up early and made Carmen breakfast, which she ate in silence, shoulders hunched. Then he gave her some medication and they sat together on the couch, him tapping his foot impatiently, waiting for the doorbell to ring. He tried to make small talk with his wife, who, since the day she’d asked for her "present," had only spoken to him when she absolutely had to. Which was just as well, really. He didn't know what to say. He was too scared she might ask again. Every time she opened her mouth to speak, his stomach clenched. But she didn't bring it up again.
From the outside, she looked like she was coping. She even appeared resigned to living with the pain, which was so intense at times it just about paralyzed her, and when they fought it with medication, it left her weak and defeated, and buried under the covers for hours at a time.
Shaun pretended the only thing standing between them was the blindness. The cancer was not there. Since Carmen had refused any kind of treatment, he knew it would only be a matter of time. But before that happened, he would show her how to live, even if just for a few weeks or months.
But sometimes during the day, when he slowed down, the pain of losing her hit him hard. At those times he disappeared into the nearest room, closed the door, and wept for his wife—her sight, her health, their life. And then he wiped his eyes and returned to her, to help her take the next step forward. Until the pain washed over them again.
The doorbell finally rang and Shaun turned off the radio. Carmen couldn't watch TV, of course, so they listened to the radio a lot. She used to love music. Country music especially. She also had a beautiful, soothing singing voice that reminded him of a freshwater spring. She had loved to sing when going about her daily chores, before everything changed. Shaun missed her voice, her laughter, her will to live.
"Are we expecting a visitor?"
"No, you are." Shaun inhaled and prayed that what he had in mind would give her back a little of what she'd lost, or was about to lose.
He pulled open the door.
"A delivery for Mr. Shaun Brannon," said the man on the doorstep, who was carrying a huge box.
Shaun nodded, signed the papers, and reached for the box. "Thank you."
His heart was in his throat when he closed the door with his elbow.
When he reentered the living room, Carmen lifted her head and turned to face him. She blinked and her unseeing eyes moved from side to side, her mouth parted. "Shaun, who was it? Is it Mom?"
Whenever Shaun was at work and Carmen was not at her class for the blind or meeting her therapist, her mother, who was also a nurse, came to care for her.
"She's not coming today, remember?" Shaun smiled, which was getting harder each day. He lowered the heavy box to the floor. Then he went to the couch and helped Carmen up, guiding her to the package. "I have something for you. Kneel down."
"Here?" she asked, her tone curious. "What are you up to?"
Following the length of his arm for assistance, Carmen lowered herself to the floor and Shaun kneeled as well. He took her arm and pulled her close, smelling her shampoo. He'd helped her wash her hair this morning when they took a shower together. A shower that had ended in Carmen crying when he’d tried, gently, to make love to her.
They hadn't made love since the day of the accident. She said without her sight, she didn't feel sexy. The unexpected flares of pain also stood in the way. But despite yearning for his wife, Shaun didn't want to pressure her.
Shaun took her hands in his and together they lifted the lid.
He moved her unsure hand over the animal's head, and down his neck. But when they reached the back, Carmen froze and pulled her hand away. She tucked it between her thighs and started rocking back and forth. "We discussed this. I don't want a guide dog."
The dog barked as though he was offended, but Carmen turned her head away.
They had talked about it. Carmen had reluctantly accepted the cane, which she only used when she went out, but she refused a guide dog or any additional assistance for the blind—even some really useful electronic gadgets. Getting her to sign up for the class called "How to Live with Blindness" had been a battle. She had only relented after scalding her hand while attempting to make coffee.
Shaun was of the opinion that she still harbored a tiny hope that she might see again one day, and the more help she accepted, the further into the distance that reality drifted. He understood, but he wanted her to be safe. He also didn't want her to live a less-than-fulfilling life, no matter how limited that life might be.
Shaun draped an arm around her shoulders. "I know you said you don’t want a dog. It's just that... This is not an ordinary dog, Carmen. This is Jack. He needs you...us...just as much as we need him. Before being trained as a guide dog, he was abused by the family that owned him. When they wanted to get rid of him, they shot him and stuffed him in a garbage can. Someone found him just in time and took him to a shelter, where he was treated. They said it took years for Jack to heal. But he did." He waited for the words to sink in. "He didn't give up. He's alive. He's strong. And I hope you'll give him a chance. Please, just for a week. If you still don't want him, I'll take him back."
Carmen swallowed and exhaled through her mouth. He had struck a chord. Cruelty to humans or animals made her sick. But for a long time, she didn't say a word. Just sat there, rocking herself. Shaun's hopes started to crumble.
After ten minutes of silence, he sighed and picked up the cover of the box. At that moment, Jack hopped out and went to lay his head on her lap, as if refusing to be sent away.
Carmen hesitated, then removed her hands from between her thighs and felt for the dog's head. She placed a shaking hand between his ears and started stroking him as her eyes stared off at nothing.
That was a start—a great start, Shaun thought. He could work with this. He prayed she would grow attached to Jack and that he would be another reason to live. Maybe he would even erase her plans of wanting to die before her time came.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Kelsey breathed in and out to calm her nerves. Wiping her brow, she climbed out of bed. But as soon as her feet touched the ground, she felt the same pain again, the one she’d had in the nightmare in which someone had stabbed her in the stomach. Unless it hadn't been a dream. In sudden panic, she grabbed her stomach. Oh God. No. Please no.
Just as she sent up that little prayer, she felt the dampness on the sheets under her and looked down in horror. She couldn’t see much through the darkness, but switching on the night light confirmed her fears. She was bleeding.
Not knowing what else to do, she picked up her phone from the bedside table and called Maeve, who sounded annoyed. "It better be good...your reason for calling."
"The baby." Kelsey’s heart race
d. "I think something happened. I'm bleeding."
"Stay put. I'll be there in ten minutes. I'll bring my doctor with. Don't panic. It could be nothing." The phone went dead.
Less than ten minutes later, Maeve arrived, followed by a bald man Kelsey remembered seeing at Brian and Sarah's Christmas party the year before.
After a quick exam, he delivered the news in a gentle, serious tone. Kelsey had lost her baby.
"I'm so sorry," Maeve said after the doctor left. Kelsey was crying softly, grieving for the life that never had a chance to live. "Maybe it's a good thing you didn't tell Shaun about the baby yet."
"Maybe." Kelsey dabbed at her cheeks with a tissue. The pregnancy might have been short-lived, but it had changed everything for her. It made her think about where she was headed, and whether, after all that had happened, she could still see Shaun in her future. She needed time to heal now, to really think.
The escape she needed came two days later, in the form of a phone call at one a.m.
"Come home, Kelsey," Maria, the longtime housekeeper, pleaded with her. "Your father had a heart attack."
A panic like Kelsey had never known before chained her to the spot. She couldn't move, couldn't speak. When she recovered from the shock, she tossed clothes into a bag without folding them and practically ran to the car. She was about to get in when something occurred to her.
She went next door and knocked on Shaun's door.
He opened it with a smile spreading across his face. A flicker of hope.
"I need to go away for a while," Kelsey said before he could open his mouth. "My father had a heart attack."
Shaun pulled Kelsey into a warm hug. "I'm sorry, Kelsey. I'm so sorry."
Kelsey swallowed the lump in her throat and stepped back. "Thank you." She managed a bitter smile. "I don't know how long I'll be gone. We should talk when I get back."
Shaun nodded and pushed his hands into the pockets of his pajamas. "Please keep me updated on how your father's doing."
"Okay." Kelsey turned to leave. Somehow she felt this was a goodbye without words.
Next, Kelsey dropped by Brian and Sarah's and told them in as few words as possible what had happened. She also promised them she would return, even leaving money for the next month's rent.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Kelsey's heart thumped as she entered her father’s house with her own key. The drive to Saulery had felt like a trip around the world, and had left Kelsey exhausted with nothing but her terrified thoughts for company.
She found Maria sitting in the kitchen, her eyes red and swollen, her hair a broken nest on top of her head. The Maria Kelsey had left behind not so long ago had constantly worn a smile. Now she looked much older than her fifty-eight years.
"Where is he?" Kelsey asked as they hugged.
"At the hospital."
"Let's go and see him."
"It's too late. Visiting hours are between two and six. We can only go tomorrow."
"How bad is it?"
Maria sat back down. "The doctor said we'd know more in the morning."
Kelsey shook her head. "What happened?"
It was no surprise that her father had been in his home office when it happened. He spent most of his time there. Maria didn't know why or how it had happened, so Kelsey went to his office, hoping to find the answers Maria couldn't give. She sank into his leather seat and tried to think about what he might have been doing before the attack. Had he been upset? She eyed the phone. Had he just received news too awful to handle? Had he been thinking of how the two of them had drifted apart, and had it broken his heart?
During the next few hours, Kelsey and Maria huddled up in front of the blazing fireplace, waiting for tomorrow to come.
***
The man lying unconscious in the ICU, connected by tubes and cables to various machines, didn't look like the demanding, angry father Kelsey had known all her life.
He looked fragile and pale as he slept, and unaware of her. Unaware that she had come back to him after all.
From just beyond the doorway, Kelsey and Maria watched. A nurse was inside with him, jotting down notes on a pad.
Kelsey longed to enter the room, but at the same time, she was frightened of her own emotions. The doors to individual rooms slid open and closed, bringing with them the whoosh of life-support machines and the rattle of papers on clipboards. Every sound was like a statement. There was a possibility he wouldn't make it—and they would have no second chance to make peace with one another.
The nurse came out of the room, closing the door behind her. "Are you relatives of Mr. O'Neil?"
"I'm his daughter. Will he be all right?"
"The doctor will be here in a minute to explain everything."
After the nurse left, Kelsey braced herself. With a deep breath, she entered the room, leaving Maria waiting outside.
Kelsey walked up to her father's bed and stroked his hand, but he didn't react to her touch. The room was so sad and sterile, and full of humming machines. She'd forgotten to buy flowers. They would have softened the atmosphere.
The doctor arrived a few minutes later. He wasn't much older than Kelsey. He squeezed her hand. "You must be Miss O'Neil. I'm Doctor Brown." He had an Australian accent.
"Thanks for coming, Doctor."
"Your father had a heart attack caused by a blood clot, which blocked one of the coronary arteries. But he will be fine."
"Why is he still in the ICU then? What are all these machines?" She gestured at one of the humming things.
"That’s a heartbeat monitor, so we can make sure his heart is beating regularly. We're also giving him oxygen so his heart doesn't have to work too hard."
"But he will be fine, you say?"
"Absolutely. He was lucky. No major damage was done. Tomorrow I'd like to talk to you about how your family can help him recover fully."
Sometime after the doctor departed, Kelsey's father woke up. He managed to say Kelsey's name.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
The next day, Kelsey brought her father clothes, as well as tulips to brighten up the room. She adjusted the soft pillows behind his head and smoothed the sheets around him.
"Don't worry, Daddy, you'll be out of here in no time. I'll take good care of you." She searched his face for a sign that he was glad she had come, but like yesterday, his eyes were devoid of emotion—no joy, tenderness, or even anger.
Whether or not he was still angry didn't matter. She would be there for him no matter what. Until he was well again. If he asked for her to leave then, she would. She had pushed her own problems out of the way for his wellbeing.
When he fell asleep again, she slipped outside to get a coffee from the machine. She needed something stronger than weak tea to keep her awake. The coffee tasted burned and old, but she swallowed it anyway.
She'd hardly slept at all since her return to Saulery. She'd spent the previous night at her best friend Delia's, because there were too many reminders of her past at her father’s house. They stayed up all night talking about the baby Kelsey had lost, her father, and Shaun, while eating chocolate chip ice cream out of the carton.
Before going back to her father's room, Kelsey slipped into a quiet waiting room to call Shaun.
"How's your father doing?" he asked, his voice full of genuine concern.
"Much better. They said I can take him home tomorrow. He should recover completely."
"That's great news. I'm glad to hear that." He paused. "You'll stay for a while to care for him?"
"Yes...a while." She still wasn’t sure how long her father would need her. Or how much time she herself needed to heal. "I'll let you know when I'm coming back."
She called him periodically, purely to fill him in on her father's progress, as he'd requested. She wasn't in the mood for complicated conversations.
But she still had Shaun on her mind when she returned to her father's bedside. In an attempt to distract herself from worrisome thoughts, she brushed his hair, but he mo
ved his head away. At first it pierced her heart, but later, when she was back home, she thought about it and realized it probably had nothing to do with her. He had always been an independent man. Relying on others for small and simple things would have been unbearable for him.
The next day, Kelsey arrived to pick her father up and take him home, and found him sitting on his bed, wearing the clothes she had brought him. For the first time since she’d arrived, he smiled.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
EIGHT YEARS EARLIER
Three days before they planned to celebrate their wedding anniversary, Shaun came home early. Carmen had no doctor’s appointments, classes, or therapy sessions today, so she'd probably be in the bedroom listening to music with Jack curled up next to her on the big bed, while her mother, Nora, did something around the house. She said keeping busy distracted her from thinking about her daughter's impending death. Like Shaun, she was ignoring the cancer. And Carmen got depressed when they even mentioned it. So they suffered silently. At least Nora was a devoted Christian, and that held her together.
To Shaun's relief, though, Carmen had come to find comfort in Jack, who followed her everywhere. Last night, during dinner, before he'd left for his shift, she’d told him all the funny things Jack had been up to. For a brief moment, she'd smiled and her blind eyes sparkled. Shaun had to hold back the surge of emotion at seeing a glimpse of the true Carmen. Before he left for work, she gave him a passionate kiss, one he’d wanted to drown in. It had been hard leaving her after the first time in almost a year that he'd felt he’d reached her.
He'd wanted to soak up the love she was offering, the love he needed to go on. He wanted to lift her off her feet and take her to their bedroom. He wanted to make slow love to her, to tell her she was more beautiful than ever. He wanted them to fall asleep together, clinging to each other. But then the doorbell had rung, and her mother had come in. And he'd left for work. Now he was back, carrying a bouquet of sunflowers, hoping she was still in a good mood, and they could continue what they'd started in the morning.
