To Love Again (Learning To Live Again Book 2)

by Dori Lavelle

  Kelsey glanced at the whooshing machine she was hooked up to. "Am I on dialysis now?"

  "Yes." The doctor moved toward the machine and touched some buttons just as her father walked back into the room, his eyes red-rimmed and his shoulders stooped.

  "How long will it take for me to get a kidney transplant?"

  "I cannot say for sure,” the doctor said. “You will be placed on the national kidney transplant waiting list."

  "And hope for the best?" Kelsey wiped her eyes.

  The doctor nodded but didn't respond. His eyes told her everything she needed to know.

  Kelsey's father sat back down and took her hand. "I'll do anything it takes to find you a donor," he said, determination in his voice. "Anything. Dr. Smith, put her on that list immediately. You have to find my daughter a kidney." The thunder had returned to his voice, and Kelsey shuddered at the strength in his words. He was using the kind of tone he used with his employees.

  "Of course. But first, I recommend we get your friends and family members tested." The doctor spoke to Kelsey instead of her father. "Just in case you’re lucky to find a match among them. I'm sorry I don't have better news for you, Ms. O'Neil."

  Kelsey couldn't respond. Tears rolled down her cheeks. The brakes had been put on her life, just when she desperately wanted to get moving again.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  Shaun was trying to write, but he let the Internet distract him. He had searched for Kelsey's address online a hundred times already, but it was fruitless. Even if she was the daughter of one of the richest men in the world, she kept her life private.

  Three weeks in Saulery, and nothing. The search on the streets had failed as well. He’d even waited in his car for hours outside Glocal COM. She never showed up. He was starting to feel like a stalker, but he couldn't stop himself. Leaving without finding her was not an option. In the end, he addressed a letter to her and sent it to Glocal COM in the hopes it would be passed on to her. No reply yet.

  "I think tomorrow I should stop by Glocal again," Shaun said to Garrett over lunch in one of the luxurious restaurants frequented by the rich and famous.

  Garrett eyed him over the edge of the Saulery Times. "You've gone there three days in a row. You could attract attention."

  Shaun shut down his computer. "There has got to be some other way. There has to be." Then he remembered something, a slice of a conversation he'd had with Kelsey. "I think there is." His face lit up and he reached for his phone. "I know another way."

  "Something that won't get you arrested?"

  "Yep. Hang on." Shaun pulled up a number on his cell phone and pressed it to his ear. "Hi, Brian. This is Shaun Brannon. Do you have a moment?"

  "Shaun, great to hear from you. What can I do for you? You're not calling to ask for Kelsey's phone number again, are you? Like we said before, we can't..."

  "No, no, Brian. I'm calling to ask about your sister's cafe. Kelsey once told me about it. I can't remember the name. I heard they serve the best hot chocolate in Saulery."

  "You're in Saulery, then?" Brian paused and Shaun heard him whisper to someone. "Well, you should drop by. You won't find a café better than Caroline's. That's the name. Tell her hello for me."

  Shaun grinned as he jotted down the name on the back of a receipt. "I will, Brian. I definitely will."

  ***

  Caroline's was a small piece of Dreara in the city. Inside, few people occupied the round tables, which had white covers and wrought iron chairs, but the ambience was calm and friendly.

  There was a murmur of voices, the occasional ding of a cash register, and a radio station playing in the background. The place was full of warmth, the kind that went under the skin.

  "Welcome to Caroline's. Please take a seat," a fifty-something brunette with a dimple on her left cheek and warm green eyes greeted them. She looked just like Brian. She showed them to a table by the window. "I'll bring you the menus."

  Shaun held up a hand before she turned away. "No need. We know what we want. Two mugs of your mint hot chocolate, please. And one glass of water."

  The woman narrowed her laughing eyes. "That's interesting. We no longer offer mint hot chocolate. How do you know about it? I don't recall seeing you in here before. I never forget a face."

  Perfect. She had just made things much easier for Shaun. "A friend of mine—her name is Kelsey—told me about it. It's a shame you don't offer it anymore. She said it was the best she'd ever had."

  The woman's face brightened. "You know our Kelsey, then? Such a lovely girl. I haven't seen her in a while."

  "When did she last come here?" Garrett asked as he rolled up the sleeves of his blue shirt. He clearly knew where the conversation was headed.

  Caroline placed a finger on her lips and gazed up. Shaun's heart clenched.

  "It has to be almost a month ago, the week she got back from Dreara. Have you ever been to Dreara? That's my hometown."

  Shaun nodded with relief. "That's where I met Kelsey, actually. She was renting the cottage next door to mine."

  "Aha." Caroline pulled up a chair. "You must be the young man my brother, Brian, mentioned was renting his second cottage. You are from the United States, aren't you?"

  Shaun stretched out his hand for a shake. "That's me. Shaun. Very nice to meet you, Caroline."

  "And you, Shaun.”

  "Kelsey said a lot of great things about you. Oh, and Brian sends his greetings."

  Caroline leaned in as though about to tell them a secret. "The mint hot chocolate was a temporary special, but for Kelsey and her friends, we are happy to make an exception."

  "That's kind of you, Caroline."

  After Caroline brought their hot chocolate, they talked a bit more about Kelsey, but they ended the conversation with no more information about where she lived. Caroline didn't seem to know.

  Shaun wasn't about to quit, though. For the next few days he'd come to Caroline's to write, just in case luck was on his side. Today, though, he'd promised to accompany Garrett on a tour of Saulery. He'd enjoy the time with his brother, and then he'd find Kelsey. She had to be somewhere.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  Kelsey entered the house followed by her father. She had been released from the hospital after four days, and he insisted she stay with him while she recovered from the kidney stone removal and adjusted to the news. Kelsey had been too mentally exhausted and numb to refuse.

  Maria kissed her on the cheek and hugged her gently. "My little girl." When she pulled back, her eyes were glistening. "Dinner will be ready in thirty minutes. You must be tired of that hospital food.”

  Kelsey shook her head. "Thank you for cooking, Maria. But I'm just not hungry. I'm exhausted. I'll go straight to bed."

  "I understand." Maria patted Kelsey on the arm. "Get some rest."

  While Kelsey's father excused himself and disappeared into his office with the phone glued to his ear—possibly talking to yet another specialist—his driver carried her bags to her room and Maria helped Kelsey up the stairs. When they left her, she closed the door, shut all the windows and blinds, and sat on the bed in the dark, listening to her own breathing. It soon became labored as hot tears spilled down her cheeks—tears of fear, loss, regret. She cried as if her life were already over. As if she didn't have options at all. She cried until exhaustion overtook her. Then she fell asleep and dreamed of another Kelsey. One with perfectly functioning kidneys and her whole world intact.

  A call from Delia woke her at ten p.m.

  "You're strong, Kelsey O'Neil. You cannot let this get you down. You can beat this."

  Kelsey put Delia on speakerphone and laid the phone next to her on the bed. It felt heavy in her hands. "I don't know how to do that. My body let me down. How could I have a disease for years and not even know it? How did I not see it coming?"

  "You can't focus on that now. Don't beat yourself up. You cannot give up." Despite Delia’s confidence, Kelsey heard the fear in her friend's voice. "I think you should live as if e
verything will be fine. Pretend if you must. Attract health to yourself and you never know what might happen. Promise to try being positive. Please, Kelsey."

  "I promise," Kelsey said, her voice flat and defeated.

  Over the next few days, she cried a lot and regretted all the things she hadn't had a chance to do. As she accepted her new reality, she hardly left the house except to go to her dialysis sessions three times a week. Unable to think concretely about the future anymore, she halted the renovations at her restaurant. She wanted to be involved in every aspect of her dream coming true, but she couldn't find the mental or physical energy. Not while she felt so broken, both in body and spirit.

  CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

  After breakfast, Kelsey stood up from the dining table and followed Maria to the kitchen. "I'll load the dishwasher," she said.

  "No, dear. You sit and relax. You need your energy."

  "I insist." Kelsey reached for the plates Maria was holding. "I feel better today. I can do this."

  Yesterday, Kelsey was at the hospital for one of her dialysis sessions when she met a cancer patient, a small boy of only ten with an inoperable brain tumor. He was only given two months to live. Still, he'd had a spark in his eye as he laughed and played games with his mother. He made Kelsey feel ashamed. She still had options, while the child could only wait for his death.

  Kelsey returned home with fresh determination to live her life the best she could with whatever resources she had at her disposal.

  "Are you sure?" Maria hesitated.

  "Very." Kelsey turned on the faucet. As she rinsed a plate, the doorbell rang, and Maria went to answer it.

  It was a delivery man with a present for Kelsey, from her father. He’d called to tell her not to open it until he got home. Two hours later, he arrived wearing a crisp grey suit, and was followed inside by a young nurse.

  The gift was a home dialysis machine, and the nurse was there to show Kelsey how to use it.

  He placed her face between his hands and looked down at his daughter. "I don't want you to ever give up on your life. You hear me? And I promise I'll do everything to make it easier until I find you a donor. And I will."

  Kelsey nodded. She had already made up her mind to go on living as if her body were whole. Maybe if she believed it enough, it might come true. "Thank you, Dad."

  "I need to make a call to a surgeon in London. I'll see you at dinner."

  It would be their last dinner before Kelsey moved back into her apartment. If she was going to have kidney disease for a while, or possibly for the rest of her life, she would have to learn to take care of herself. Having a home dialysis machine made it easier for her to be independent. She would not be a burden on anyone. She had to move on, just as she had intended to when she came back to Saulery.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  "Thanks," Kelsey said to Donna, her nurse, as she started the machine. It had been a few days and Kelsey still didn't feel confident enough to use the machine herself, afraid she might do something wrong. She needed help for just a little longer, especially now that she was living on her own again.

  "Make yourself comfortable," Donna said and left Kelsey's bedroom. She often waited in the living room for the session to end, giving Kelsey some time alone.

  As soon as she left the room, Kelsey's phone rang. She picked it up from her lap. Dialysis took a while, so she always made sure to have everything she might need close at hand—books, her phone, a drink, and the TV remote.

  She answered without glancing at the screen. "Kelsey here." She leafed through a magazine.

  "Why don't you call, woman? Have you forgotten us little people?"

  Kelsey laughed and her heart swelled. "I could never do that, Maeve. Surely you know that."

  "Then you found another man to keep you busy? Is that it?"

  Kelsey smiled bitterly as the urge to both laugh and cry welled up inside her. "I've been busy." She paused. "But not with a man." After this latest blow, she wouldn't even know how to start a romantic relationship.

  "Still getting over Shaun?"

  Kelsey shook her head. Shaun had been the last thing on her mind since her diagnosis. Not that she had forgotten about him—she never would—but their fate apart had somehow been sealed by the deadly disease. He wouldn't want to date her now even if she took him back. For all she knew he was back in the States already.

  "Kelsey? Are you there?"

  "Yes." Kelsey's voice cracked. "Maeve, there's something you should know. I was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease. My kidneys have failed, and I'm on dialysis. You're my friend. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I couldn't talk about it."

  "Oh my God, Kelsey," Maeve breathed down the line. "What? When? God, that's terrible. You’re so young. I am so sorry." She paused for a long time. Kelsey had never known Maeve to be stumped for words before. "There's no cure for it?" she asked eventually.

  "The damage to the kidneys is irreversible. I’m on dialysis, and I can only hope for a transplant. The list is long."

  Maeve was quiet for a long time. "I'll come and visit you. I’ll be there next week."

  "You don't have to, Maeve. I'm fine. Just adjusting to everything. I’m still in shock, but I'll get there."

  "Shut up, Kelsey. I'm coming to see you. And there's nothing you can do about it."

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  Shaun heaved Garrett's suitcase over the threshold and stepped into the hall. "Unbelievable that you're going back already. Feels like you just got here yesterday."

  Garrett shrugged on his suit jacket and closed the door. "Yeah, it does. I still wish you would come back with me. There's still time to change your mind, you know."

  "No chance. I have to find her."

  Garrett pushed the elevator button. "I hope you do. You deserve to be happy again. If you find her, don't mess it up."

  Shaun nodded. What he didn't dare tell his brother was that with every passing day, he felt any hope of happiness slip through his fingers. And it had been his own damn fault.

  The elevator doors slid open on the ground floor and they exited into a busy lobby.

  "Now that you're done with your novel, you'll be bored out of your mind," Garrett said.

  "I sure will. Give Mom my best."

  Outside in front of a taxi, Garrett embraced Shaun and clapped him on the back. "Take care of yourself, Bro. See you soon."

  Shaun hugged him tight. Garrett got into the taxi, and Shaun closed the door, waving.

  On his way up to his room, Shaun's cell phone rang. An unknown number. He usually didn’t answer numbers he didn't know, but he had to, in case it happened to be Kelsey.

  "Shaun, it's Maeve. Where are you?"

  After they hung up, Shaun stood under the shower with hot water pouring over him, his heart threatening to burst. He had decisions to make, decisions that could change his whole life. But right now, he just felt like dying as his old wounds were ripped open.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

  Shaun held his breath and tried to steady the hand that held the syringe. "Are you sure... this is really what you want? We can stop—"

  "Yes." The word was soft. "Give it to me."

  He hesitated, then placed the syringe in her hand. She dropped it immediately, too weak to inject herself. Her lips were dry, her eyes another level of dead. She was already gone even as she breathed before him. "Please, please do it," she whispered.

  With the back of his hand, Shaun brushed tears from his eyes. He picked up the syringe. Before he could change his mind, he swept the sheets to the side and revealed her naked thigh. Carmen's eyes were closed now; she was too weak to keep them open. Her body still shuddered from the pain, and the goosebumps on the surface of her skin informed him of her suffering. He had to end it. He had no choice.

  He blew out an unsteady breath. Then he sank the needle into Carmen's flesh and injected the drug into her body.

  "Thank you," Carmen said, crying harder than Shaun had ever seen.
She was heaving and panting, grappling for air.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” Shaun glued his forehead to hers and broke apart with her. Piece by piece by piece. Then she relaxed in his arms. He lifted his head to look down at her, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it had been a prank. That it had really just been pain medication.

  "I... you won’t get in trouble," she whispered. "I left a message...a recording. It's..." She closed her eyes then, and her chest stopped rising and falling. Her breath ceased to touch his face. Her body shrank. She’d stopped breathing before she finished talking.

  In a snap, Shaun's good sense returned, and the realization of what he'd done hit him so hard in the gut that bile shot up his throat. He gagged, and then started to shake. "Baby... baby, wake up. Please." He shook her, but her body was limp now, like a rag doll.

  He had to pull himself together, to think. Some of the panic was replaced with a sliver of hope. Maybe he could save her, or someone could. He scrambled for his pants and reached into his pockets, searching for his phone. It wasn’t there.

  He lunged for the hotel phone and called the emergency number by the phone. While he waited, sobbing into her hair, the buzzer rang, and he froze. They'd save her. It would be fine.

  "You'll be fine, baby," he said as he got dressed. Before going to the door, he covered her, just in case she was cold.

  The person standing on the other side of the door was not a paramedic. Nora stood in front of him, holding Carmen's handbag. He'd told her where they were staying just in case she needed to reach them.

  "I don't want to disturb," Nora whispered, smiling. "I just thought you might need this. Carmen's medicine is inside...and her surprise for you." She clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oops, I shouldn't have said that."

  Shaun stood like a zombie in front of her. His wife's mother. Whom he'd possibly robbed of her only daughter. What was he supposed to tell her? What was he supposed to tell anyone?