"What just happened here, Kylie?"
"We had sex. Just sex. What we didn't do was make love. We've never made love. It has always just been sex. We're very good at it. I'll give you that, but it has no meaning beyond that."
A shadow crosses Alex's face. "Is that really how you feel?"
"No, Alex, it's how you feel. Up until a few days ago, I was convinced it meant something to both of us. I thought you were making love to me, that we had a bond. But I was wrong. There's no bond. It's nothing more than highly gratifying sex."
"That's not true, Kylie. It means a great deal to me."
Alex loosely grabs my free hand, but I turn and continue toward the door.
"I have to go."
Alex is behind me, however, and places his hands on either side of me against the door, trapping me. "Please stop running away from me."
His head is inches from mine, and I can feel his hot breath on me. All I want to do is turn around and fall into his arms, let him convince me that we can be happy without love. But it's a lie. We can't survive on my love alone. I'm not strong enough.
"Nothing has changed, Alex. I need more time to figure out how to stay, knowing you'll never love me, never feel for me what I feel for you. I love you, but right now, it hurts so much I can barely breathe."
"Kylie, please don't do this."
I turn to face him, needing him to see the pain that courses throughout my body. "Alex, my heart is breaking. I don't want to go, but I can't stay. It hurts too much to see you. You are everything to me, and it kills me to know that I'm not enough, that I will never be enough."
Alex closes his eyes. "You are enough. You're everything to me, too."
"You don't trust me, Alex." I sigh, placing my head against his.
"I do. I trust you more than I've trusted anyone."
"Then, tell me." I raise my voice, frustration kicking in. "Tell me why love is dead for you. Tell me how it relates to your nightmares—the nightmares you still refuse to share with me. Tell me why it took me coming into your life for you to have a relationship with your family again. What happened to you?
"I trusted you with the deepest, darkest, most humiliating secret in my life. I trust you with my hopes and my fears, but you don't trust me. And I don't understand why. I just know that I can't give you what you need. I can't help you or heal you. Can't you see that? You don't trust me enough to share your fears." I take a deep breath and lower my voice. "You have to let me go, Alex. Please, just let me go, so I can learn how to live without you." I'm not strong enough to walk out the door again, and I need him to release me.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Alex's hands fall to my waist as he sinks to the floor, his head dropping to his chest. "I can't lose you, Kylie. I just can't go through that again. Please, baby, I can't lose you, too." He buries his head against my legs, wrapping his hands around them, holding me tightly.
My knees give out, and I slide onto the floor, grabbing his face with both hands and forcing him to look at me. "Alex, please tell me what you're talking about. Please, just let me help you."
Alex holds my gaze and then nods. I breathe a sigh of relief that I have somehow finally reached him.
"The people you think are my parents are actually my aunt and uncle. They adopted us, all of us, after our mother died. Harold is my mother's brother. My mom, Ellen, was killed by my father."
I choke back the gasp forcing its way up my throat. I don't want to make any type of movement or sound. I need to keep him talking. But my head is spinning with his admission.
Alex looks at me, and I take his hands in mine and squeeze them.
Tears well up in his eyes, and his voice becomes very low. "It was my fault. I couldn't save her."
My heart aches, and I want to throw my arms around him and soothe him. I'm not at all surprised that Alex feels this way, shouldering all the responsibility for his mother's death. It's him. It's Alex. It's why I love him so damn much.
I sit quietly, patiently, allowing him to get through this in the best way he can.
"It started when I was young. It might be one of my first memories. I don't know. He would hit her when he was drunk, which was most of the time, and he'd call her the most despicable names. I was too small to help her or stop him, so I would hide in the closet until he left. Then, I would go to her, wipe the blood from her nose or lips, bring her water. She would hold my hand and tell me she was okay and that I shouldn't worry. As I got older, I would help her to bed, put ice packs on her swollen eyes or clean her cuts. I promised her that I would stop him someday, and he would never hurt her again.
"Patty is the only one who really remembers any of this. She remembers our mother, but not as much as I do. She has bits and pieces of memories, but I think she has blocked out the bad stuff. We never talk about it, never talk about him either. Will and Ellie were too young. They don't remember her at all. Ellie was just a baby. Francine is the only mother she has ever known. They only know my mother through old photographs and stories that Harold and Francine tell about her. But they never talk about how she died or the life she was forced to live with him."
Alex takes a deep breath and bristles as the memories flood him, and I steel myself for what's coming next.
"One night, when I was about fifteen, he came home and started hitting her. He was relentless. He just kept punching her. She would fall down, and he would force her back up so that he could punch her to the floor again. She tried to block the blows, but he towered above her and just wore her down. I remember being so angry, angrier than I had ever been. I rushed him, tried to tackle him, punch him, but he was so much stronger than I was. And he knew how to fight—bar fight, dirty fight. He turned on me, started beating the hell out of me, until he finally knocked me unconscious."
Alex stops for a moment. I want to close my eyes and block the images of him trying to defend his mother, being knocked around by a man who was supposed to take care of him and love him. Our childhoods were so different, but ultimately, they were the same with fathers unable to be parents. I hurt for him as I consider him growing up with so much abuse.
When Alex lifts his head again, tears stream down his cheeks, and it's all I can do not to tell him that he doesn't have to go on. But I know this is the only way he'll get past the pain, the only way to stop the nightmares, the grief, and, hopefully, the guilt.
"When I regained consciousness, I found her lying on the floor. I managed to crawl to her, and that was when I saw all the blood. It was coming from her nose and her mouth, and she was having trouble breathing. God, I can still hear the sound as she tried to get air in and out. It was horrible. I told her that I was going to get help, but she grabbed my hand, begged me to stay with her. She said there wasn't very much time left, and she wanted to be with me. She made me promise to take care of the others and to tell them how much she loved them. She apologized to me, told me how sorry she was that I had to deal with her and my father's problems, that it hadn't been fair to me.
"She told me how much she loved me and how she wished she could watch me grow up and fall in love. Then, everything went silent. She was gone, just like that—no more breathing sounds, no more tears. The light in her eyes—God, she had such beautiful eyes. The light just went out. She was just gone. I couldn't save her. I failed her."
I tightly wrap my arms around him We both sit and cry, grieving over the loss of a woman who gave life to the man I can't live without. Alex pulls me into him and buries his head in my neck and sobs. So many years of suppressing the feelings he never confronted come pouring out of him as he clings to me. I close my eyes and just hold him, deciding I will hold him for as long as he needs—minutes, hours, days. It doesn't matter. I will hold him for a lifetime.
Eventually, his breathing returns to normal as the tears subside. He loosens his grip on me and pulls me back, locking his eyes on mine.
I wipe the tears from his face and kiss his cheek. "I'm so sorry, babe," I whisper.
Alex gazes
at me for a moment, and his features start to harden. "Love died for me that day. It died with her. It's gone."
"That's not what she wanted for you, Alex. She wanted you to fall in love, to be in love."
Alex snickers. "Look where love got her. It made her weak."
"No, Alex, it made her strong. Her love for you and Patty and Will and Ellie...she drew strength from your love."
"She died because of her love for him," Alex states flatly.
"No, babe. She died because of her love for her children."
Alex looks away from me and shakes his head, denying any validity in my words.
"Did your father ever come after any of you, besides your mom, prior to that day you challenged him?" I ask, trying to get him to look at me again.
"No."
"Don't you see, Alex?"
He narrows his eyes, and slightly tilts his head to the side.
"Can't you see how strong she was? She sacrificed herself for all of you. As long as your father was only hitting her and that seemed to satiate him, the rest of you were safe. She loved you enough to save you all from years of physical abuse by your father. She might have saved one of you from her fate."
Alex is staring at me, his eyes dark.
"That is the strongest love I have ever heard of, and you're willing to throw her gift of love away."
Alex's eyes flame up at my accusation, and his jaw tightens.
I sigh and soften my voice again. "I love you so much, Alex, and I wish you could experience the depth of feelings I have for you, the feelings your mom had for you."
"I'm dead inside, Kylie."
"I refuse to believe that's true. Your actions betray you—the way you have saved me, changed my life, and provided me with so much hope for the future. No, babe, you're scared, scared of the unknown. I am too. But I'm too scared that I'll never feel this again not to try. I will love you forever...whether you love me or not. That's my choice, not yours. Your choice is to give in to fear and not ever try."
His voice is low and quiet. "I can't lose you, Kylie, but I just don't know how to give you what you need, what you deserve."
I caress Alex's face, trying not to focus on the pain and hurt in his eyes. "Babe, you have a fucked up definition of love. You need to redefine it—not how others define it, not even how I define it, but how you define it. Focus on what you want love to be. What the Alex Stone version of love looks like. Figure that out, and then apply it. Don't close yourself off from loving someone, anyone, even if that someone is not me. It's a truly amazing feeling, babe, to be totally deeply, madly in love. I know because it's how I feel about you."
Alex places his forehead against mine. "I know I'm ruining this. I know I'm hurting you. Sometimes, I feel like I'm falling hopelessly in love with you. I feel the words and want to say them. Then, something grabs me and shakes me to my core, and I feel the pain of that day. I know it's fear, but I can't get past it. I need you, Kylie, more than I need air. And I'm so afraid of losing you because I can't give this to you. But...God...please don't leave me."
I close my eyes, knowing Ryan was right. I was right. What I feel from Alex, what he has already given me of himself—it's real. It's just unrealized.
"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I want you. I need you in my life as much as you need me, babe. But above all, I love you, Alex. I love you."
His shoulders slump, and his eyes look so tired. "Help me, Kylie. Help me get past the fear. I want to love you, want to feel what you feel without all the pain. I need time, but I need you here with me."
His eyes reach into my soul, and I know I can't live without him ever.
"I'm yours, Alex. Always. Forever."
He grasps to the back of my head, and he pulls me into his lips. It's a soft kiss, but there is so much passion and caring and love exchanged between the two of us. Even if he is unable to admit his love, I know it's there. I can feel it. We embrace and sit, wrapped in each other, rediscovering each other. He nuzzles into my neck, softly kissing it, as I slip my fingers into his hair, gently stroking the back of his head. We fit together perfectly, as if we were made for each other.
"Alex?" I ask, my voice soft.
"Hmm?"
"I'm starving. Can we eat?" My appetite has suddenly returned with a fury.
Alex chuckles and looks at me, the spark returning to his captivating blue eyes as a silly grin crosses his face. "Yeah, baby, we can eat." He stands and offers me his hand.
We open the doors and head to the kitchen—together again. And I know this is exactly where I'm meant to be.
Chapter Fifty-Eight
The next couple of days are spent in bliss as the reunion between Alex and me has brought order to chaos and set the world straight again. The flowers bloom brightly, the birds sing more melodiously, and Alex and I exist more harmoniously.
On Thursday morning, I stand in the kitchen, pouring us each a cup of coffee, while talking to Maggie about her seven grandchildren.
Alex walks in, cell phone to his ear, his eyes instantly locking on mine. "When did this happen?" Alex asks the caller. He is quiet as he listens to the answer, still intently peering at me. "Where did you find him?"
John!
I walk over to Alex and stand in front of him.
"And is he under arrest now? Uh-huh. Okay. Thanks."
I motion for Alex to hand me the phone before he ends the call.
"Hold on for a second, please, Sergeant. Kylie needs to speak with you.” Alex hands the phone over to me. "It's Reyes," he whispers.
I put the phone to my ear.
I'm almost taken aback that I was not rebuffed, as Alex usually wants to handle these matters on his own, feeling my involvement causes me further harm. We've turned a corner in our relationship. The separation along with Alex finally opening up about his life have brought us closer, making us a team. We have survived each other's demons, and we are now so much stronger.
"Good morning, Sergeant Reyes. Can you tell me when his arraignment is scheduled?”
“Tomorrow morning,” Reyes says.
“Does he have counsel yet?”
Reyes scoffs. “You’re kidding, right? Asked for it before we could even take a breath after we went in to question him.” He pauses and I can hear the rustling of papers in the background. “He retained Dick Borsch.”
“I hate that guy. He's such an asshole,” I groan. “Any idea who has been assigned from the DA's office?”
“No,” Reyes says.
“That's fine. I'll call over there later this morning. Thanks, Sergeant."
I hand the phone back to Alex, and he pulls me into his embrace.
Relief washes over me as the realization that John is locked up and unable to hurt us cleanses me. It feels so good to finally breathe again and to relax. Alex smiles at me, and I can tell by his expression that he's thinking the same thing.
My heart nearly bursts with love for this man. He protected me, saved me from my private shame, and now has nearly extricated the evil from my life. Now, we can begin to experience some normalcy, something our relationship has been sorely missing.
Alex looks past me, and I turn to see Jake entering the kitchen.
"Sysco's been arrested," Alex says.
The words force a big grin across my face, and I move back against Alex's warm body. I nestle into his neck, happy and content.
"Where was he?" Jake asks.
"Parking garage at my office."
Alex's answer shakes me to my foundation. I audibly gasp as I feel the telltale signs of a panic attack coming on. My breathing becomes heavy and erratic. John could have gotten to Alex and killed him.
Alex tightens his grip around me, his lips close to my ear. "Easy, baby. Nothing happened. Security was on him immediately. It's okay. Breathe, Kylie."
I pull back and look into his eyes as the questions knocking around in my head find their way to my mouth. "Did they check the garage for explosives or anything? Did he get into the building? How the hell
was he able to even get in the garage in the first place?"
Alex leans in and kisses me, a smile across his face. "Baby, breathe. I don't have all the information yet. As soon as I do, I'll answer all your questions. The only thing we need to concentrate on is that John has been arrested. He can't hurt you anymore."
He can't hurt either of us.
I'm afraid to allow myself to believe it. I've been dreaming about this for so long. It's hard to believe it's actually true.
The SUV makes its way into town. Alex and I are sitting quietly in the back, holding hands but not speaking.
Since I first heard John was arrested, my mind has been in overdrive as I go through the next steps I need to take to ensure he's convicted and he can never hurt Alex or me again.
Turning slightly in the seat, I finally break the silence."I need to go to the courthouse before the office."
"Okay. Do you have a hearing this morning?"
"I need to go to the DA's office and talk to Matt before John's arrest becomes public. He has to hear all this, all of it, from me. I have to give him my side before John tries to pervert it." I take another deep breath. "And I need you to come with me."
"Of course, baby," he responds without hesitation.
I exhale. "Are you sure? I feel like I'm constantly pulling you away from your work to deal with my crap."
I've dominated his schedule since we met. He's been so focused on me and my issues, not to mention the fact that my ex is trying to kill him. I find it hard to believe that his business is not suffering because of me.
You're so high maintenance, Kylie.
"I'm sure." He squeezes my hand"My schedule is clear for the day. Besides, I would never make you go through this alone. You're more important than any business meeting I could ever have."
Just like that, I'm once again reminded of how very lucky I am that Alex is mine. I've never been the center of someone's world, the person who is cared for and made a priority. It never fails to take my breath away, warm me completely, and make me wonder what I did to deserve this amazing man next to me.
Of Demons & Stones: A Tri-Stone Trilogy Page 33
