“I would think, as long as we’ve known each other, that I wouldn’t have to.” He took a couple of big bites of his eggs.
Chicken.
Stuffing his mouth with food so he wouldn’t have to speak.
“I think that’s precisely why you would qualify it. We’re too old to screw with each other. The rules should be laid out pretty plain. If you want to do the friends with benefits thing, well, I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea.”
Of course, I kinda would be opposed to it—I wasn’t sure I could handle being his piece on the side if he decided to go on a date.
See, already the idea was a bad one—I was getting weird jealousy vibes over something that wasn’t even happening yet.
“Friends with benefits?”
“Bed buddies.”
“I know what it means.”
“So why do you look confused?”
“Are you against the idea of a committed relationship?” He watched me with his analytical gaze, and I wasn’t sure how I felt.
I poked part of my egg with a stick of bacon. “We’re attached at the hip anyway. We work together. We spend our weekends together. What would be different?”
“What would change…” he echoed, his plate clattering in the sink. He walked out of the kitchen, heading toward the bedroom.
I hopped up and followed him. “Andy?”
He was putting on his shirt. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow.” He brushed past me, and my arm felt scalded in hot water.
“Andy.”
He was out the front door before I could catch him. On the coffee table sat the bottle of Coco Chanel.
I walked back in the kitchen, slamming my own plate in the sink. “At least you could have washed the damn dishes.”
Shit.
Chapter Nine
Tuesday, Dec 23
The Christmas spirit was alive and well at work Tuesday. Well, from everyone but Hawkins.
I’d tried calling him later Sunday, but he wouldn’t answer. Monday, I didn’t see him at work anywhere. I even ventured out of my office to find him, but to no avail.
Chicken shit.
Of course I was used to Andy going out of his way to talk to me and to come by my space, but aside from his office, I had no idea where he lingered at work. So I didn’t know his favorite vending machine, where he got a glass of water—hell, what bathroom he usually used.
It wouldn’t be hard for him to just go about his day without seeing me.
It was almost quitting time on Tuesday, and I still hadn’t heard from him. Usually he responded to voicemails. I checked the inner office system, and he’d gotten the messages.
He just hadn’t bothered calling back.
I wasn’t happy about that.
This was why I didn’t want our relationship to turn physical—it just screwed everything up. Not that the physical wasn’t amazing.
Because it was… I mean, the man gave me multiples.
There was no doubting his prowess in the bedroom. His feelings for me, though, I wasn’t quite sure what I thought about that.
I didn’t like change. I wasn’t a big fan of it—seemed almost every time I’d made a big change in my life, it’d been for the worse. About the only good changes I’d made in my life have been with Andy’s help. He found my divorce lawyer. He helped me in my college classes when learning the computer stuff. He found my job here.
Why would I want to ruin that relationship?
Sex muddled the mix. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing my best friend to gain a boyfriend.
Because eventually, we would break up, and he’d just be my ex. No relationship actually works out for me. For the record, see my failed marriage, and various short-lived boyfriends. I just don’t do relationships well. I’m too practical.
And while I could handle work, I doubted Andy would be able to. That would make things so awkward.
At home.
Everywhere.
I didn’t want to deal with the fallout. I mean, who would I watch movies with?
I had finished up a project and decided I’d go check his office one more time when Judy walked in.
“Merry Christmas,” she said with a grin. She was decked to the hilt in Christmas cheer, a bright green shirt with twinkle lights in it, and I wondered if she had a pocket radio playing Christmas music. The songs practically floated in like a smoke behind her. A slight bulge in her pocket seemed to be where the music came from.
“Merry Christmas,” I replied as I shut down my computer and grabbed my purse.
She tipped her head to the side, taking me in. “So, did Hawkins buy you perfume?”
I let out a sigh. “Yeah, he did.”
“Nice present.”
I shrugged. “It is what it is.”
“You two left after that. Did you get into a fight? I haven’t seen him around this end of the office for two days.”
“Sorta,” I replied. I wasn’t about to elaborate on what the fight entailed.
“I figured as much. May I give you a word of motherly advice?”
I snorted. “Sure, I guess.” I didn’t get a lot of it in my life. Occasionally, during my low periods, I’ve wondered what it would be like to have a mother to actually talk to.
With all this going on, a little motherly advice couldn’t hurt. My own suggestions weren’t working for me.
“Go apologize,” Judy said.
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
She arched her gray and black eyebrow at me. “If you didn’t, he’d be here talking to you. Now go find him before he leaves, and get this mess straightened out. I don’t know what transpired, but you two have to work together. Go fix the problem.”
I slumped in my chair. “How do I apologize for something when I don’t even understand what I did wrong?”
She took a seat across from me. “I’ve watched the two of you for the last four years. Whether you know it or not, that man is crazy about you. He’s loved you forever. I’m willing to bet you’re too damn practical to realize it.”
“He’s not in love with me.” My gut started to roil at the thought. No way. Not after all these years. How could he be in love with me?
She raised her eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
“We’re friends. That’s it. That’s all it’s ever been. That’s all it’s ever going to be.” So why did my stomach flip flop at the idea of him being in love with me? My mind started flashing back through the past.
Andy and me at a ball game.
Andy and me at the movies.
Andy…
Andy was everywhere. Whether we were married to other people or not, he was always there.
He would look at me, his eyes dark, powerful—the same look he’d had before, when we were making love. I felt the color drain from my face.
Oh my God.
He was in love with me.
Judy got up. “Go find him. Talk to him.”
I sat there for a moment, waiting for her to leave before I headed through the office to find Andrew Hawkins, and get to the bottom of this.
Rats. Andy’s office was empty.
I looked at his personal stuff. Everything was orderly and nice, just like how he kept his house. No notes cluttered his desk—all were tucked into the little cheap envelope holder at the side of his computer. All the pieces on his desk were mismatched, bought for functionality rather than attractiveness. His office was larger than mine, nicer carpet, but he occasionally met with clients here.
I never met with clients at all. I stayed in my little room and made the magic winning him those clients.
My fingers caressed a bookshelf he’d littered with pictures of his family. His sister Andrea and her husband Jake. Couple of shots of their kids—the little boy and girl, though I couldn’t remember their names. One more picture with Andrea, their mom Darlene, his grandmother Iris, and Andrea’s daughter. The four-generation picture came out well; everyone dressed in bright red shirts, sitting on a bench in the park. We
ll, it could have been a backdrop, but it looked nice if it was.
God, Christmas at his house. That’s just the immediate family. Hawkins had a butt-load of cousins, his mother being one of five kids, all of which had teenaged or adult children, and some of those had kids.
I’d have to be drinking heavily to get through a day with all that craziness. Maybe a flask under my—
“What are you doing in here?” Hawkins’s voice jerked me out of my thoughts, and I spun around.
He glared at me like I was evil incarnate.
“I was coming over here to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
He brushed past me and headed for his desk. Jerking open the door, he scowled as he got something out—probably his car keys.
“No, you’re going to talk to me. I want to know what the hell I did to screw up.”
He stared at me with an expression empty of any compassion. I’d never actually seen that kind of look from him, and it made me sick.
“I don’t think we need to spend any more time together. I think our relationship has run its course.”
I stared at him, my jaw on the floor. “You can’t be serious.”
“It’s obvious you and I are looking for different things.”
“And what is that?”
“I’ve been very clear about what I want. You do not want the same thing.”
I blinked. “I don’t want to lose you.”
His eyes were cold. “You already have.”
I wasn’t letting go without a fight. “You were the one who was so desperate to get in my bed Saturday night. You were the one who pushed, buddy.”
“And now I realize you don’t consider me anything more than a warm body. If I’m just a bed buddy when you get the urge, I’m not interested. I’m too old for stupid high school shit.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “So what do you want, Andy? Do you want me to profess some undying love for you I’ve kept hidden for the last twenty years? Jump up and down and cry from the rooftops screaming I’m madly in love with you and I can’t live without you?”
“Something like that.”
I shook my head. “Then I guess this relationship is over.”
“Leave now.”
I turned and walked out. It was a good thing too, because I was crying by the time I got to my car.
Chapter Ten
Wednesday, Christmas Eve
As tradition dictated, Andrew was at his mother’s house on Christmas Eve, dressed in his best suit, to go with the family to church. His sister and her husband had shown up earlier in the day for the Christmas holiday, with their children in tow.
And though they were dressed in their Christmas finery, it didn’t stop little Jake Jr. from pulling on the ribbons in Cassie’s hair. This, of course, meant immediate retaliation from her, chasing him through the house, both kids squealing.
Andy held a glass of wine, his dad’s favorite burgundy. Normally, he loved Christmas and the chaos, but tonight he just wasn’t ready for the mess, the people and the insanity.
He walked out on the deck, staring out into the night. A light snow glazed the ground, just enough to make everything white. The deck, only partially shielded by a roof, was split in two by a line of clear white. A little ridge of snow had built on the deck. He stood right at the edge, careful not to get his shoes wet, staring out at the woods behind the house.
“And why are you so blue?” his mother asked.
He shook his head. “Nothing important.”
His mother lit a cigarette and sat in her favorite rocker. She looked lovely, dressed in a navy blue suit and her big wool jacket.
Andy hardly noticed the cold as he sat next to her.
“Is Erica coming?”
“No.”
“I see.” She didn’t say anything for a full minute. “How do you feel about that?”
He swallowed more wine. “Her choice. She hates Christmas.”
“Is that all of it?”
He glanced at his mother. “I’m not discussing it with you.”
She nodded. “That girl is a mess, Andy. She’s been a mess since she was a kid. It’ll take a Christmas miracle to clear her heart.”
“I hoped my heart would be enough.” Just saying the words was like sticking a knife in his gut and twisting it around.
“I know you did.” She reached over, patted his knee, and snubbed her barely smoked cigarette out in the ashtray. “Come on. Escort your mother to church. We’ll say a prayer for her. God may be feeling generous this Christmas.”
“I doubt it.”
He couldn’t imagine enough Christmas spirit in the world to heal Erica’s broken Christmas past.
Chapter Eleven
Wednesday, Christmas Eve
I decided I have plum lost my ever-loving mind.
There was no other explanation why I would be at the mall on Christmas Eve, looking for presents for people I hardly knew.
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that, Erica.
I practically ran past the Santa’s Workshop display in the center of the mall where kids were posing for those last minute pictures. The line, surprisingly, wasn’t horribly long, and almost everyone was bright eyed and excited to see Santa on this special night.
A tear crept up in my eye.
I never got my picture taken with Santa.
So far I had bought most everything I wanted to get. I got the stereotypical girly gift for his sister Andrea—more vanilla scented lotion. Andy’s mom was easy too. I bought her some pretty kitchen towels in red and white. ‘Course, I wouldn’t have known what color to get if I hadn’t shopped with Andy the other day. I also picked up a pretty vase for his grandmother.
They were easy.
My real mission, though, was tough.
I had to find something for Andy. And unfortunately, I couldn’t find any huge banners printed with I’m an asshole.
Because I was.
I drank about a bottle of wine last night, and between cursing and crying, I figured out what he’d meant.
He didn’t want to be friends with benefits. He also didn’t want to go back to what we were. He wanted it all—friend, lover, companion, partner. And really, the only part new to me was the lover part. The rest I knew how to do.
Which is what I’d meant when I said nothing would change—only sex would be added. We’d still be best friends.
That’s what I told myself, anyway.
When he told me we were done, every nerve in my body screamed no, and I couldn’t believe it. It was like my heart had declared “code red” and hadn’t bothered to let my head know.
The void in my chest where I reserved my feelings for Andy left me hollow and incomplete. I didn’t expect to feel that. It was like he ripped my heart out and stomped on it over and over.
Though I have a strong feeling he was feeling the same way—my stupidity was ripping his guts out. At least I prayed so.
It had been a whole day and I felt absolutely sick. I glanced at my watch. He’d be at church right now. I had to find something fast to get to his mother’s house before they got home and opened presents.
I wandered in and out of every specialty shop in the mall, but nothing screamed the perfect gift for Andy. Hell, he had about everything. I wasn’t sure what to get him.
One of the engraving stores was lit up and shiny, and I couldn’t keep myself from walking in. Inside were tons of beautiful frames, mugs and interesting things to get engraved.
I glanced around. And I saw it. The perfect gift for the guy with damn near everything.
I started picking up the components and headed for the counter. The man, who was probably in his fifties, raised his eyebrow at me. “Are you going to want it engraved tonight?”
“Could you?”
He picked up the pieces. “It’ll cost extra.”
“I’ll pay it. I just need it now.” I glanced out the store doors. “While you engrave, I need to go get one
more thing.”
“It won’t take me long.”
“Hopefully this won’t either.” I darted out of the store, getting the last thing I needed for Andy’s Christmas gift.
Chapter Twelve
Wednesday Christmas Eve
“Gimmie gimmie gimmie!” cried little Jake Jr. He held out his hands, ready to run off with his present.
Andy stood in the center of the gifts, Santa hat on his head, passing out presents. Little greedy fingers burst out of the chaos, accepting gifts. Some of the kids just wanted to touch the presents, and helped him hand them to everyone.
But others just wanted theirs.
Andy couldn’t help laughing at their enthusiasm—the kids under twelve, being the newest—and now the fourth generation of Hawkins family—gathered in one place. He and his cousins came next in age, then his mom and her siblings. Big Grandma—the matriarch, oversaw everything, a bemused smile on her face.
Laughter and Christmas music filled the air. Jingle Bells played over a small radio his mother had tucked in a corner, and most everyone hummed along.
Church had been nice, albeit a bit long, but Andy was happy to be with his family.
At least something felt right this holiday.
The whole missing component in his chest, though, was another kind of ache, and he doubted even the holidays with his family would break that up. He glanced at the tree, and saw the small pile, set aside for Erica, in case she showed up.
Not that he thought she would.
He’d run them by her place, he guessed, in a few days. When it didn’t hurt to see her.
Finally, it looked like he’d gotten all the presents out from under the tree. “That’s it,” he said. “Everyone open!”
And the chaos began.
“Wait a minute, Andy,” his dad said. “Come with me.”
Andy followed his father downstairs. He couldn’t help grinning. His parents always kept the big gifts in the basement.
His dad led him to the utility room where two huge boxes wrapped in bright red and gold paper sat waiting. Andy leaned over and picked one up. It was fairly light, to his surprise.
Mission of Christmas Page 5
