by Ni-Ni Simone
“Yo, what is all this screaming?” Josiah pushed the door open and walked in. “I can hear you all the way down the hallway!”
I promise you at that moment I could’ve fallen to the floor. Josiah looked at Zaire and then they both looked at me.
Josiah locked eyes with me and said, “You’re just friends with who?”
“With you,” I said, feeling desperate.
“Who you lying to?” Josiah asked. “Me. You. Or him?”
I quickly prayed that my knees would buckle because then . . . maybe . . . I would pass out, and somehow we could deal with this another day and another way. Because clearly today wasn’t it.
I could see the hurt in Zaire’s eyes and I knew he was lost for words. I was too. This was not how I wanted things to end.
Zaire turned toward Josiah and started walking up on him. All I could imagine were fists flying.
“Zaire, hold it.” I stood between them.
“Hold it? All this time I’ve been wondering what was I doing wrong. What was going on. Why you were so different. And here you’ve been playing me. That’s why he thought he could bring it to me at the Dip-Threw! ’Cause you’ve been messing with him since then!”
“That’s not true!” I screamed.
“You don’t know shit about the truth!” Zaire snapped. “The truth is I loved you, but that wasn’t good enough for you. Maybe I should’ve dogged you, since that’s what you seem to like!” He continued toward Josiah and I was doing all that I could to push him back.
“Yo, my man,” Josiah said. “I ain’t never scared, and you can bring it if you want to. But check it—your problem, it’s not with me, son. I’m not your girlfriend.”
I whipped around toward Josiah.
“Don’t look at me like that!” he spat. “I told you this morning that you needed to handle this, and you didn’t. So at this moment, from where I’m standing, you’re getting exactly what your hand calls for.”
“I don’t believe you said that!”
“Believe it.”
“Zaire.” I turned back toward him and paused.
When I looked into his face, I was speechless.
I wanted so badly to take this all back. But I couldn’t. I tried to think of something—anything—to say that would make this all seem better, but the only thing I could think to say was, “I’m sorry, Zaire.”
“You’re sorry. Word? After everything we’ve been through, this is all that I get? I’m sorry? Well, I tell you what—you keep that.” He looked at Josiah and said, “And you can keep her!”
“Zaire!” I reached for his arm. He snatched away from me.
“How about you do us both a favor? Come to my house, get your ish, and don’t let me see you again!” And he stormed out the door.
I stood silent and then I turned and faced Josiah, who was furious. “Before this moment, I thought I knew you. But right about now, I don’t know who you are.”
“Whatever!”
“It’s not whatever, Seven!”
“Look, I was going to tell him. But I couldn’t just tell him any kind of way. I had to figure it out. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.”
“Everything in life can’t go according to the way you plan it. If you’re woman enough to cheat, you should be woman enough to stand by it! And then you swearing to him that we’re just friends? Did you really think he was going to believe that? How long did you think this was going to go on?”
“I was going to tell him the truth!”
“When? The truth was slapping you in the face and you still didn’t own it. Yo, that’s insane. You know how you felt when I cheated on you, and now you turn around and do the same thing. I can’t see you right now.”
“So now you’re taking up for him?”
“Taking up for him? He’s not my problem. You are!”
“And what does that mean?”
“That means I have to get away from you.” And he walked out. Slamming the door behind him.
I was frozen in my spot. Everything had happened too fast. I couldn’t keep up with the seconds . . . the minutes . . . the tears creeping up on me.
I leaned against the wall, slid to the floor, and cried for what felt like forever.
22
Get it together
“Hey, Ma.” I did my best to hide the tears that made my voice tremble.
“Hey, baby.” My mother yawned and stretched. “Is everything okay? What time is it?”
“It’s—”
“Wait. Let me click on my lamp here.” She paused. “Seven, it’s one o’clock in the morning.” I could tell she was nervous. “Where are you? Are you in any trouble? Are your roommates okay? Where are you?”
“Everyone’s fine, Ma. And I’m in my room.”
“Is everyone okay?”
“I said yes, Ma.”
“So then why are you calling me so late?”
I sighed. “Okay, Ma. I just need you to listen and please, whatever you do, don’t put Cousin Shake on the phone.”
“All right. I won’t.”
“Zaire and I broke up.”
“You did? Why?”
“Because . . . I . . .”
“You what? Just say it.”
“I cheated on him.”
“Come again. You did what?”
“I didn’t mean to cheat on him.” I started to cry.
“You didn’t mean it? Anything you don’t mean, you shouldn’t do.”
“It just happened.”
“So you cheating on him was an accident? That’s what you’re trying to tell me.”
“Well, something like that.” I sniffed.
“Seven, I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night or the night before that either. And those tears. Suck ’em up.”
“Ma—” I couldn’t stop crying.
“Look. You calling with grown-woman problems, so that’s how we gon’ handle this. Now who’d you cheat on him with?”
“Well, you know Josiah and I have a history.”
“Josiah?”
“Yes.”
“You expect me to believe that was an accident? Go on. I’m listening.”
“It really wasn’t intentional. Josiah and I had a big argument and in the midst of it, he started talking about how we felt about one another and—”
“And did you think at that point that once you acknowledged your feelings for your ex-boyfriend that you should probably clue your current boyfriend in on the act?”
“No, because the night Josiah and I argued, we only kissed at that time.”
Why did I just admit that?
“You only kissed. Well, you only kissed that night? Okay—and what did you two do the other nights?”
“I only slept with Josiah once, Ma. That’s it. And that was last night. It was not like it’s been happening.” The tears had me sounding like a bumbling idiot and confessing like a fool!
My mother sighed loudly.
Please, God, let her keep her cool.
“SEVEN MCKNIGHT!!”
I guess God must be off duty.
She took a deep breath. “You know, let me let you finish. Go on. Lawd,” she rambled, “I need a cigarette.”
“You don’t smoke.”
“That’s right. But don’t get off the subject. Keep going.”
“You know that Josiah and I have a special friendship.”
“Umm-hmm. Quite special, apparently.”
“And he loves me and he’s a good guy. I mean, he cheated on me once. But he’s changed. And Zaire is a great guy too, but he was boring. I told you about him ordering pizza all the time. And I was bored and I was on the front page of the school paper with Josiah—”
“What?”
“And Zaire saw it. And I just don’t know what to do. And I—”
“Sounds like you have gone crazy! So what you’re saying is you slept with your ex out of boredom?”
“No, I loved him.”
“Girl, be quiet.”
<
br /> “Ma—”
“Hush! And did you really just tell me you cheated on your boyfriend because you were bored? And everybody’s a good guy and you don’t know what to do because apparently you’ve been running around telling a buncha lies that you can no longer keep up with. When you should’ve just told Zaire the truth from the beginning and you wouldn’t be in this nonsense! I didn’t send you down there to be an emotional prostitute!”
“Ma!”
“You’re here. You’re there. You’re everywhere. Sleeping around.”
“It was only Josiah! And it only happened once.”
“Once is enough. You need to slow down and let somebody put a ring on it! I didn’t raise you like this. You are sounding like one hot, confused mess. Why are you trying to please everyone but yourself? Who has a boyfriend but sleeps accidentally with the ex-boyfriend? And ends up on the front page of the school paper? This isn’t fiction, chile. This is life! And you are a selfish mess!”
“Ma—”
“Be quiet. I told you before to take some time for yourself and live. But you didn’t. Instead, you messed around with this boy’s feelings. And to think I didn’t even like the boy and now I’m looking at you crossed-eyed.”
“I know I was wrong. That’s why I’m calling you. I need you to help me fix it. What should I do?”
“I don’t have the magic answer for you, Seven. You’re playing a grown woman’s game with little-girl knowledge. So now you have to figure out how to make it work. You made your bed hard; now you lie in it. Considering all this sleepin’ around you doin’, the bed is the perfect place for you to learn your lesson! You need to save yourself for marriage is what you need to be doing. Learn how to say no. What you need to be is single for a while. I love you. Stop all that dang crying. And good night. You have officially worked me over!”
Click!
23
Every day won’t be the same
“Okay, now. The sun always shines on the scandalous. So you need to get up,” Khya said, opening my bedroom door without permission. No knocking. Nothing. Just twisted the knob and walked in.
“For real, though.” Courtney walked in, flinging his hot pink boa. “If I can break things off with Slowreeka, then you got this.”
I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. “It is soooo different.” Tears filled my eyes.
“Aw, Seven, don’t cry,” Shae said, crawling into bed next to me. “And, no, I’m not going to tell you I-told-you-so right now. I’ll save that for later.”
“Whatever.” I chuckled a bit.
“I know it seems bad,” Shae said.
“It’s a disaster!” I cried.
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes. It. Is.” Khya said. “This whole situation is a hot, barnyard mess. And, Seven, I told you that your slide-to-the-side schedule called for Saturdays. And okay, you skated by with Sunday. But you pushed it to Monday? Gu-uurrrl. You lucky Zaire didn’t bust out his thug all through here.”
“I told you he wasn’t a thug,” Courtney said. “Remember what I told you about the homeless shelter?”
“Oh yeah. That’s right. But still.”
“Okay, like really,” I said. “Seriously. Is this supposed to make me feel better or something? ’Cause it’s not working.”
“My fault, boo-boo,” Khya said.
“Well”—Courtney frowned—“she was only telling the two-snap truth and the truth shall set you free.”
“Would you be quiet?” Shae said. “Now look, Seven. It’s time to get up and face the music.”
“You don’t understand, Shae.”
“I do understand. I understand that you all in the bed and missing class yesterday and trying to miss it today is not what’s up. So you made a mistake? Things happen. Now you have to own it. And go on.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I know it’s not. But you gon’ have to figure something else out besides this. ’Cause this ain’t workin’. Now let’s go. Get up.” She pulled the covers back.
“Shae.”
“Get. Up.”
I shook my head. I really just wanted to lie in the bed and cry myself into oblivion for another day. But Shae was right. I had to get up. “Okay. I’ll get up. Whatever.” I eased to the edge of the bed and wondered if every day would be like this.
24
Throw it up
“You know, Seven, I was thinking,” Khya said as I placed a large, empty box in the trunk of her car.
“About what?”
“That going over here to Zaire’s, to get your things, might not be that bad after all.” She popped her lips as we climbed in. I sat in the front seat and Shae sat in the back.
“Yeah, maybe not.” Shae shrugged.
“You don’t know Zaire,” I said, as Khya started the ignition. “He is so—” I paused. Looked around. And Shae and I said simultaneously, “What is that sound?”
“What sound?” Khya asked as she started to drive.
“That rattling.” I frowned.
“And is this thing smokin’?” Shae asked in a panic.
“Shae, why are you always so dramatic?” Khya rolled her eyes.
“Khya, you said you’d gotten this thing fixed,” I insisted.
Khya wagged an index finger. “Oh no, oh no, oh no. Slow it up. Bring it down, bey’be. Weeee don’t do that! We don’t talk about Da Bomb straight in her face. You wouldn’t want anybody to do that to you. Hmph, she’s a diva with an attitude and that rattling means she has something to say. Like shut up and ride. We got AAA. Don’t go there.”
“I knew I should’ve had Country take us,” Shae mumbled.
“What you say, Shae?” Khya snapped.
“Nothing.”
Dear Jesus, it’s me again and I know I have worked Your nerves, but puhlease don’t let this car break down in the middle of the street, because I’ma be what? Livid.
Khya carried on. “Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by my two roomies, going over here to see Zaire might turn out to be okay.”
“And what makes you think that?” I asked.
“Because, let’s look at it. He lost everybody in Katrina—well, except his grandmama—and the beef he has with you can’t even compare.”
“True.”
“Exactly. So I’m just sayin’ that yo lil shystie stuff is light. I mean, yeah, you stabbed him in the back, pissed on his heart, and cleared his guts out and everything, but nobody died. So he got this. Matter of fact, if I were you, I’d walk in there with my head held high, give him a pound, and say, What’s crackin’, black? We good?”
It’s official, this chick is what? Crazy.
“But I’ll tell you this much,” Khya continued. “If we walk up in there and he’s dressed in all blue with a bandanna tied around his head like he’s channeling his inner Crip? Oh, boo-boo. You on your own. ’Cause I’m not about to get jumped in. And I don’t have the right gris-gris on me either. Whaaaat. Lawdeeee. I’ma be so ghost you gon’ think I have died and came back as lightning.”
“Khya,” I said.
“What?”
“Shut up.”
“Okay. I’ma shut up. But I’m just letting you know, if you see me runnin’, you’d better grab your lil friend back there and catch up wit me. ’Cause me and Da Bomb will be rollin’.”
Khya turned on the radio and sang every song that came on, all the way to Zaire’s place, and when we pulled up and parked in front of his door, I was relieved because I didn’t have to hear her howl anymore.
I turned toward Khya, and while I spoke I glanced at Shae. “I think maybe I should go in by myself.”
“By yourself?” Shae frowned.
Khya arched a brow. “And what if he gets his thug life on? How we gon’ know to call the po-po? By the time your dead body rolls out and starts to smell, it’s gon’ be too late. But you could send smoke signals.”
I shook my head. “Khya, Zaire is not like that. His feelings are hurt, but he hasn
’t lost his mind.”
“Okay, if you say so, Seven. ’Cause I remember this one time . . .” She paused and stroked her chin. “No, it wasn’t that time. It was this other time that I did the same exact thing that you did to Zaire to my ex-boo, Jamil. And since my slide-to-the-side schedule isn’t foolproof, I found myself in a lil situation with this sexy, olive cutie, honey. He was Italian. His name was Sì-Sì, bey’be. And y’all know I don’t discriminate with my ice cream. I like Chocolate-, Vanilla-, Butter Pecan-Rican. So anyhow, I thought I could step up to Jamil by myself after he caught me and Sì-Sì in the car, with the windows all fogged up. And, gurrrrl, that fool started crying, and snottin’, and lookin’ all crooked eye. Scared the bejesus outta me. So after that, I always had a gris-gris in my pocket or I rolled with my friends whenever I had to confront him.”
“Umm, I don’t think I’ma need to do all that. I got this,” I assured them.
“Okay. We’ll be here waiting,” Shae said.
Khya nodded. “We sure will be. As long he doesn’t come steppin’ out of the house in all blue, we all good.”
I didn’t even respond to that. I simply got out of the car, removed my empty box from the trunk, and walked up the two short steps to Zaire’s parlor. I was sooo incredibly nervous.
I wasn’t sure what to say.
What to do?
Do I just walk in, get my things, and leave?
Or do I ask him how he’s doing?
Stop worrying.
Just breathe.
Get it together.
Got it.
I took the key Zaire had given me when I was here for the summer, out of my pocket; and for a moment, it crossed my mind to leave.
Don’t be crazy.
I put the key in the lock and my heart thundered as I twisted the knob.
Relax.
I took in a deep breath, let it out slowly, walked in, and immediately, I was overwhelmed with regret.
I felt like a murderess.
Like I’d taken his heart, sliced it open, and sucker punched him with it.
And it’s not that I wasn’t a good girl.
