“I hope they don’t want their money back,” Ross said. “It’s hardly your fault that the wedding was ruined.”
“I’m going to offer them a refund. Or a free photo shoot, or something,” I said, having already thought about it on my way home.
“That’s nice,” Aiden said, smiling at me. “You want a cup of tea?”
“That’d be lovely, thank you Aiden.”
He went and made tea while Ross went on about how I shouldn’t lose money because ‘some old codger’ chose today of all days to die.
“I’m sure he didn’t choose it,” I said, sighing. Aiden brought my tea and I took a sip, then cried a little. He put his arm around me.
“Why are you crying?” Ross asked. “You didn’t know him.”
“Come on Ross,” Aiden said gently, “it must’ve been pretty upsetting.”
I smiled my gratitude at my brother-in-law.
When I thought about times like that, he was the nicer brother. He was the one who paid attention and really listened to me when I spoke. He took more interest in what I had to say and showed empathy when I needed it. He made an effort, not just with me, but with all the women he’d been with. He’d had a number of girlfriends and he always treated them well, with little gestures like holding open doors, buying them flowers, being affectionate and sweet.
Ross had started off that way, but all those little kindnesses had slowly stopped, and for the first time since he confessed to me, I did wonder if this was partly my fault, too. We didn’t talk much these days … he was right, I spent more time with Shane than I did him, and I did feel closer to Shane, too.
I didn’t touch Ross often, or seduce him like I used to. When had that changed? When I pictured his face, I didn’t feel an attraction anymore. Was that just a recent thing? Why hadn’t I noticed until now? Was I really so complacent and oblivious to my own feelings?
Aiden loved me, and I was certainly attracted to him, no doubt about that.
Yet I couldn’t quite picture myself separating all of mine and Ross’ things, moving out of this house. I was still in love with him, no matter what he had done. The realisation made me open my eyes again with surprise. Of course, I still loved him. I couldn’t fall out of love just like that, despite my anger and the pain he’d caused. I sighed and let my mind swirl for a while, comparing Ross and Aiden, wondering how they’d each feel if they knew my thoughts right now; wondering who I might be happier with.
I had to clear my head while away. I couldn’t go on feeling this confused for long or I’d go mad. I closed my eyes again and pictured the green landscape, the waterfalls, lochs and panoramic views I’d admired on Hayley’s iPad. I imagined myself standing at the top of a mountain, Wentworth by my side, and dark clouds above my head slowly dispersing. The space, peace and tranquillity would surely hep me to figure all this out and I’d make a decision, and come back sure of what I wanted.
Content at the thought, I finally fell asleep.
Chapter Fifteen
My alarm went off at 5am and within minutes I was surprisingly alert. For the first time in ages, I was excited about something. A week away from work and the happy couples and families I had to face every day, reminding me of my own miserable mess. A week away from Ross, and away from this town where every girl I saw in the street could be one of the girls he betrayed me with. Even time away from Aiden and the way I was feeling about him seemed like a good idea. I could forget all this drama for a while, escape to a tranquil place, and clear my mind.
I ruffled the fur on Wentworth’s head and he wagged his tail then rolled onto his back so that I could rub his tummy.
“We’re going on holiday,” I told him quietly. “An adventure. We’re going to have lots of fun.”
I got up, peered into the spare room and put the light on. Hayley groaned and stretched as I told her it was time to get up. We went through the motions – me upbeat and enthusiastic, Hayley grumpy and sleepy – getting dressed, sipping hot coffee, loading the car. I offered to drive first, knowing she wouldn’t want to, and before I knew it we were on our way and munching sweets.
Hayley had put together a playlist on her iPod of nineties songs so that we could reminisce about our teen angst, and the so-called love of her life. We talked about our fellow students, about our parents back then, about our teachers and the things we were interested in. It all seemed so long ago, but somehow the music bought it back to life and a tiny part of me was curious to see how Guy and Will had turned out, although I was still fairly confident we wouldn’t find them when we got there.
We stopped regularly for a wee break. I’d give Wentworth a little stroll and then we’d get back into the car, taking it in turns to drive; Hayley speeding along as fast as she could and making me nervous a few times when she got too close to the car in front. She drove like I did when I first passed my test – kind of erratically and without using her mirrors nearly enough. I hoped my airbag was working, as I could be relying on it to save my life sometime before I returned to Bath.
We bought expensive, dry, pre-packed sandwiches for lunch. I babbled on about my continuous cycle of feeling hurt, feeling angry, feeling okay, crushing on Aiden, then feeling hurt again. Hayley listened, gave sympathy and said nice things, but her mind was elsewhere and for a brief moment I wished I’d come away with Shane instead; he’d have told me to get over it and have some fun. I heard his voice inside my head and decided to stop wallowing. I was coming away to relax, not to contemplate the disaster that was my love life back at home.
I stopped moaning and we rode along in silence for a while, Hayley driving and me resting my head on the back of my seat. One thing we did have in common was our love of musicals, and we both sang along happily to a bunch of show tunes from my iPod. It lifted my spirits and I promised myself that this week away would be all about clearing my head and contemplating the future instead of dwelling on the past few weeks.
“I’ve just had a great idea for a new business venture,” Hayley said suddenly, pausing the music. I turned to look at her.
“Yes?”
“Period survival kits.”
“What?”
“Or maybe I’ll call them PMS Survival Kits.”
“Okay, and what will they contain?”
“Chocolate, of course. A hot water bottle. Bubble bath. Tampons.”
“Couldn’t you just buy all those things individually?”
“Well, yes, but maybe they could be cheaper in a bundle.”
“But who would buy it?”
“Women, of course! It could be a great stocking filler at Christmas.”
“You think people would buy them? Seriously?”
Actually, my mother probably would buy me something like that for Christmas.
“I could go on Dragon’s Den,” Hayley continued, ignoring my lack of enthusiasm.
“Yeah, go right ahead,” I said, getting back to staring out of the window. I could just imagine her talking about menstruation on national television.
Hayley continued to babble on about her great idea, and for a while I listened, but then I slowly drifted off, thinking about my last road trip with Ross. We’d taken a week off together in March and travelled down to Devon, where we stayed in a charming village called Crapstone – much prettier than it sounds – and we went for long walks with Wentworth every day. It was relaxing, and we spent a lot of time talking and I felt really close to him that week.
It rained most days, but one morning we woke up and the sky was clear and blue, so we packed a picnic and went out and rambled across Dartmoor. There were a lot of sheep everywhere and Wentworth kept close to us, trying not to look at them directly, getting jumpy whenever one came closer.
“He’s such a wuss,” Ross said, affectionately patting his head.
After we’d passed the sheep, Wentworth ran off, enjoying himself.
“Ah, he loves it here,” I said, my heart swelling at the sight of him having fun.
“It is beautiful,” R
oss agreed. “A great place to retire someday.”
“That sounds perfect.” I took his hand and squeezed it.
“Shall we settle down for our picnic?” Ross suggested. The clouds were coming over now and rain looked like it might be on its way for the afternoon.
I nodded my consent and he laid out a blanket and started unpacking our food. I put a stake in the ground and tied Wentworth up. He lay down, keeping an eye out for the woolly monsters.
“He’s such a baby,” Ross said, laughing.
I smiled and rubbed Wentworth’s back.
“I really do love it here,” I said, sitting back and letting what looked to be the last of the day’s sun warm my face.
“Me too. I really could see us moving somewhere like this when we’re old and grey and ready to retire.”
“Sounds perfect,” I said. “We can buy a house in Crapstone and come walking every day.”
“There’s a lovely place I admired on the way in actually, with rose bushes outside,” he said, smiling.
“The grandkids can come and stay and we’ll spoil them rotten.”
“I love you,” he said, leaning in and kissing me tenderly.
“I love you too,” I said, smiling back.
He unwrapped our picnic and we just about managed to eat it before the rain came.
“We’re about to pass the Scottish border!” Hayley said, bringing me back to the present.
“At last!” I said, feeling sad as my memory faded away. Now that I thought about it, that was the last time Ross and I really connected and yet he’d probably been cheating on me even then. I shook my head gently, pushing the negative thoughts away. So much for concentrating on the future.
We swapped drivers again and Hayley changed her playlist to all-Scottish music. She knew a surprising amount of Texas lyrics and we both sang loudly how we’d walk five hundred miles with the Proclaimers. Then we passed Glasgow. A little while after that, I saw the mountains and I was officially in love again.
“Ooh, pull over just up here,” Hayley told me, pointing to a parking area. We were driving through what looked like wilderness. Streams, waterfalls, mountains, hills, wild grass and the occasional sheep herd were all we’d seen for miles. I pulled into the space and Hayley jumped out to take some photos on her phone.
“Beautiful,” she said, sighing. I hung my camera around my neck, took a large lung full of fresh air and leaned against the car. Before all this mess with Ross, I’d been so enjoying taking photos of everything and everyone, and now I was determined to get that back, to find some sort of enjoyment from photography again. I held the camera up and took my own photo of the mountainous view; at the foot was a large white farm house. I loved living in Bath, and Devon had charmed me, but there was something quite appealing about being somewhere as quiet and remote as this.
“Imagine living there,” I said to Hayley, gesturing at the house. I wasn’t happy with the photo and adjusted some of my settings before taking another.
“Wonderful in summer, awful in winter, I imagine,” she said, getting back into the car. I didn’t know about that, I quite liked the idea of being snowed in, wrapped up warm with Ross.
Oh. I hadn’t seen that coming. He was still there in my subconscious version of my future then. I looked at the house and imagined myself there with Aiden. Hmm, now it was even more appealing. I smiled at the thought and took one more photo before getting back into the car.
As we drove on, I considered the idea of living here in winter. Snowed in, impassable roads, living on the supplies I’d have stocked up on in the autumn. No unexpected visitors. No local pub for my husband, whoever that may be, to go out and meet easy floozies. It sounded quite nice.
Ross would hate it, though, I knew, despite what he’d said in Dartmoor. He loved living in a city. I wondered for a moment if Aiden would ever like to live somewhere like this.
“I keep comparing a future with Ross to a future with Aiden,” I told Hayley. “I wish I could stop myself but I can’t seem to.”
“What seems odd to me,” said Hayley, “is that you seem to think they are the only two options.”
“Well, they are. I don’t have a queue of men to choose from Hayley.”
“You could be single. You don’t need either of them, necessarily.”
The thought made me feel slightly panicky.
“Live alone?” I asked her.
“Yes. Be free and single, work out who you are again. Be Jenny for a while.”
Why hadn’t I thought of that? Was it something to do with my mother? She’d never been alone, or not for long anyway. I couldn’t picture myself coping well as a singleton, but I didn’t say it out loud. I didn’t want a pep talk about being an independent woman.
Eventually, we saw the bridge connecting the Isle of Skye to the mainland. We drove across it, and for a moment I wished it hadn’t been built. Getting a ferry across may have been less convenient, but it’d mean we were now cut off from the rest of the UK. I didn’t want my problems to follow me over the bridge.
Something changed in my mind though as soon as we were on the island. It was head clearing time and I was determined to stop feeling sorry for myself. We passed more mountains and lochs and stopped to take yet more photos. It was a good job I’d bought my laptop; the memory card in my camera would be filling up pretty fast.
“That’s Uig,” I told Hayley, glancing at the sat nav and then back out at the view below us. She pulled over and we got out. Uig was one of the major towns on Skye, and yet it looked so small from up here. It had just a small smattering of residential and commercial buildings and a small port. A ferry was coming in, presumably from the Outer Hebrides, and we stood and watched it for a moment before driving on.
After a long drive down a bumpy, unpaved road, we came to a stone wall with an open gate. We drove through, and there were three cottages, all identical white with slate roofs. There were sheep in the neighbouring field. I pulled up into a parking area and got out to admire the view. Wow. I was going to love it here.
“Oh my god, it’s so lovely!” Hayley said, running from the car to a fence that separated us from the sheep. Beyond their field was the sea. And past that, on the horizon, were the mountains of the Isle of Lewis. I left Hayley and Wentworth to admire the view while I opened up the cottage.
A wooden front door led to a wide honey-coloured hallway with real wooden flooring. I put my bag down and entered the main room; a living area with a small kitchenette on the far wall. It was cosy and quaint, with new but rustic-looking furniture. There was a small bathroom with an electric shower, and two bedrooms, both with double beds and soft white bedding that looked rather inviting to lie on.
Outside, Hayley and Wentworth were sitting on a bench looking out at the water, so I left them there and went to the car. I unloaded our luggage, put Hayley’s stuff into one room and mine into the other, then I sat on the bed and got my phone out to call Shane. I’d promised him a call to announce our safe arrival but I had hardly any network signal. I decided to send a text instead and he replied straight away telling me to have a lovely time and unwind. I lay back on the bed for a minute and let my body relax against the soft duvet. I was going to enjoy some peace, quiet and tranquillity here, in this little piece of Scottish heaven.
Next, I unpacked all my clothes, and all the food, then went out to Hayley, who hadn’t moved. Wentworth was asleep by her feet. I sat down with them and looked out. It really was a stunning view.
“The cottage is lovely,” I told her.
“I think Guy’s here,” she said, turning to me. “I can feel it.”
I tried not to roll my eyes. “You think you can feel it because you want it to be true.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m hungry.”
“Me too.”
We went back inside and reheated the chicken curry we’d brought with us, then opened some wine and sat at a small pine dining table to eat. It’d taken us all day to get here, but it was worth ever
y mile. I couldn’t wait to get out and walk the hills, stare out at the lochs, and breathe the fresh air. I hadn’t thought of Ross or Aiden once since we’d crossed the bridge, I realised. I felt proud of myself.
“That was yummy, thank you,” I told Hayley. Her cousin Jason was a well-known chef and she had had a few lessons from him. Her food was always good.
“Thank you.”
“So, have you thought about what you’ll say to Guy’s parents?”
“No ... Oh wow!” Hayley looked out of the window behind me, then went outside. I followed her and whispered a ‘wow’ of my own. The sun was setting and the sky was full of warm colours: yellows; oranges; pinks; reds. The clouds and mountains were a dusky mauve and the last of the sunlight danced on the water like golden glitter. It was spectacular. I got my camera and tripod and took photos until the sun disappeared on the horizon.
An hour later, I was tucked up in bed, reading a book and smiling to myself. I felt safe and protected, out here in the middle of nowhere, with no big decisions to make just yet at least. It might only be for a week, but I’d found an escape. For the first time in a while, I felt completely calm and content.
Chapter Sixteen
The next morning I woke up to the sound of chickens clucking outside my window. I took Wentworth out for a bathroom break. He looked at them warily at first but then wagged his tail amicably, before dropping his head disappointedly as they ran away in the opposite direction.
After a nice hot shower, I spent a considerable amount of time looking at my wedding and engagement rings before finally deciding to take them off. I tucked them inside my toiletries bag and then stared at the dent they had left on my finger for a while. It was kind of liberating to have them off. Was this me making the decision to end it with Ross, one step at a time? It didn’t feel like a conscious thing, but maybe I was slowly distancing myself from my marriage.
I made scrambled eggs on toast, ate it, then took my book to the bench outside and alternated between reading the words on the page, staring out at the view, and looking at my naked ring finger. I was just wondering if Hayley would ever get up when she came out and joined me, mug of tea in one hand and the cold eggs I’d left for her in the other.
Independent Jenny Page 7
