“Hi you,” he said, smiling back. All the feelings suddenly came back to me; my legs felt like jelly, my head was light, my heart was beating faster.
“Come in, I’ve made you coffee.”
Yet more caffeine. I’d be awake until Christmas at this rate. It was a sunny September day and we sat in his small garden sipping our drinks and smiling at each other.
“So…” I said, feeling a bit awkward. “How was your week?”
“It was okay. Yours?”
“It was good.”
“Ross texted me this morning. He said it’s over between you.”
“Yes,” I said, smiling at him again. “Yes, it’s over.”
“And how do you feel?”
“Relieved, to be honest. A bit scared about the future, but I’m sure I’ve made the right decision.”
“Good.”
“Aiden, I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”
It wasn’t technically true; I’d thought about him a lot today, but not while I was away. With Will. Who was now back with his wife. Ugh. I forced Will out of my mind.
“That’s good too.”
“Will you kiss me again?” I asked him.
And he did. He stood up and I stood up, and it was even better than the last time. And for a split second, I felt guilty about Will and my rebound but as Aiden’s lips moved to my neck, I forgot about everything and everyone but him.
And it felt good. To be in my soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law’s arms. The force of his kiss proved how much he wanted me and it felt amazing. Eventually, I pulled away and giggled. We sat down again.
“I love you,” he said simply, looking me in the eyes.
“Can we take this slow, please? I mean, I love hearing these wonderful words. But I need to sort so much out and I know you have these strong feelings for me but I just need you to take it slowly, is that okay?”
“Of course. I’m sorry. No more of the L word until you’re ready to say it back. If you’re ever ready, that is. There’s no expectations. I’m just glad you’re here now.”
“Me too,” I said, leaning back in my chair.
“Shall we keep this to ourselves for now?”
“If you don’t mind.”
“My parents still don’t know about you and Ross.”
“Really? He didn’t tell them I’d gone away?”
“He’s been avoiding talking to them. Mum said he’s been acting weird. She said she’d call you, find out if he was alright. I told her I’d talk to you.”
“He needs to tell them.”
“Yeah, he will now it’s officially over I expect.”
I spent the rest of the day with Aiden, alternating between talking about the future, planning our first date – he suggested we go to London for the day next weekend, so that no one would spot us together in Bath, which felt kind of exciting, sneaking around – and I told him about Skye. I told him about the beautiful lochs and mountains, and all about Hayley staying up there. But I completely erased Will from the story. He didn’t need to know, and I didn’t need to think about Will.
When I got back to Shane’s later that evening, I tried calling Hayley but she didn’t answer. I called my sister Sadie and told her what was going on, then my dad, who only took a semi-interest seeing as my sister Tanya had got into trouble with drugs and he was obviously way too distracted with that. He did say he was sorry to hear my news, though.
And then I phoned my mother.
“Hello?”
“Hi Mum, it’s Jenny.”
“Oh hello dear. How’re you? Did you have fun in Skye?”
“I’m good Mum. Yes, it was lovely. How’re you?”
“I’m well thank you. How are you?”
“Me and Ross are getting a divorce.”
“Uh-oh. Tell me all about it.”
So I did. I told her every single detail about how I felt, about what had happened with Aiden and Will and how things had ended with me and Ross yesterday. Because she was the person I thought might understand the most. She’d been through the divorces, she’d had her ups and downs, and she surely knew how I was feeling now. The mixture of rejection, fear, excitement … After I’d finished my long monologue she sighed and said:
“I think you’re doing the right thing. With Aiden, I mean. Single life is so lonely. Honestly, my best advice is to move on as quickly as possible.”
After we’d said goodbye, I thought about what she’d said. She’d moved from man to man without ever being single for more than a few weeks, and I’d sometimes wondered if she just didn’t want to be alone. Was Aiden my way of avoiding single life?
I decided to ask Shane what he thought, but as I walked into the kitchen I realised I was interrupting something. They’d been arguing.
“Sorry,” I said, turning to go back into my room.
“No, no, it’s fine. Conversation over,” Andrew said. “Stay here, I’m about to serve some pasta.”
I glanced at Shane, who rolled his eyes at me and sat down at the dining table. We ate with an awkward air hanging around us and I wondered if it’d been about me staying here. Or moving to Maidstone. Maybe both.
To fill the silence I blabbed on about my afternoon with Aiden.
“Isn’t it a bit soon, to be getting into another relationship?” Shane asked as we were doing the dishes.
“Maybe.” I shrugged.
“Just be careful, alright?”
“I will.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
I thought about this while we watched TV. No, there was nothing wrong with being single, but what about when I needed some DIY doing? Or there was a huge hairy spider in the bedroom one night? What about when the bed covers needed changing? Ross and I struggled to do that as a twosome, how would I cope as a one-some? If I was being really honest, I didn’t even know how to change a light bulb. Or check the oil in my car. Ross had always done all of that. And what about holidays and snuggles in bed and sex? I couldn’t be alone!
I muted the TV and relayed all this to Shane and Andrew. By the time I finished, I almost sounded hysterical.
“I can help you with that stuff,” Shane said, waving his hand to indicate it wasn’t a big deal. “Not the sex, but the DIY and spiders. Don’t get into a relationship with Aiden because you don’t know how to change a light bulb, that’s ridiculous.”
“But what if you’re in Maidstone?”
I saw a look bounce between them.
“Listen Jenny,” Andrew said, moving to sit next to me and taking my hand. “You are a strong, independent person who doesn’t need a man. You don’t need Ross, or Aiden, or Shane to cope with life. Changing light bulbs is easy. We’ll show you how. Now take a deep breath and relax. And if you like Aiden, go out with him. Trust your instincts. You’ll be fine.”
I let my shoulders relax and sat back.
“Thank you Andrew.”
He looked across at Shane who smiled at him, angry feelings gone. We continued watching TV and I thought about what he’d said. He was right – I wasn’t my mother and I could be alone. But in the meantime, my instincts told me to see how things went with Aiden. He was lovely, a good friend to me for years, and I was attracted to him. I was going to go for it and see how things turned out.
Chapter Thirty-Five
There are few things in life quite as blissful as a bubble bath, especially when the friends you’re lodging with have a huge corner tub. I slipped into the hot water, moved the bubbles about until I’d achieved adequate coverage, and let my body relax.
I wondered what Will might be doing at this exact moment. Was he back in Glasgow yet? How did he feel about Mandy? More crucially, how did he feel about me? A little tingle ran through my chest as I thought about the kiss, the hugs, the moments at Elgol, the sunsets. If only life could be one long holiday on the Isle of Skye.
I put my elbows on the bottom of the bath and let myself float in the water, listening to the bubbles bursting around me one by one. Sh
ane and Andrew had both gone to work early, and I’d left the door open. Wentworth came in, wagging his tail happily.
“Hello gorgeous,” I said, smiling at him. He peered over the edge of the bath and licked up a bubble, then sat back on the bathmat and regarded me with curiosity.
“Do you miss Fern?” I asked him. He just sat and looked at me, his sad brown eyes telling me that he did. “Me too,” I told him.
I shook my head gently to push the thought of Will away. He was with his wife, I reminded myself. We’re just friends. I reached out to pat Wentworth’s head and he licked the bubbles from my arm.
If I was honest with myself, and I like to think I always am, I was taking this extra long bath to avoid going to work, which was a first for me. I’d always loved my job but I tried to picture myself getting back into it, putting on a fake smile and telling a different bride each week to stay calm, that she looked beautiful, that she’d enjoy a very long, happy marriage. I used to believe it, too, but now I couldn’t say it and feel sincere.
What I felt like telling each bride was that she was going to waste a lot of money, time and effort on one single day that would mean very little ten years from now when she was a divorced spinster. She’d wish she could get her ten or twenty grand back when she was lying in bed alone picturing her beloved naked with some skank he met in a bar.
I got out and looked at myself in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. Where had the spirited, cheerful Jenny gone? Another thing to hate Ross for; turning me into a cynical bitch. I’d just have to force myself to get back into the whole idea of weddings and marriages, or I’d soon be penniless as well as homeless and divorced.
I spent a long time deciding what to wear, unsure that anything suited me anymore, now that I was a new me. A single me. I’d thrown all of my clothes into a couple of suitcases and then hung a few things up in a small wooden wardrobe Andrew had cleared out for me. For the first time ever, I’d actually appreciate Hayley’s fashion suggestions and advice. Did I go for the confident executive look in my business suit, or casual chick in my jeans and a t-shirt? I always dressed smartly for weddings but usually preferred something more comfortable for the studio. I pulled out my favourite pair of skinny jeans because they made me feel slim, and a loose top I’d almost forgotten I had until I pulled it out when packing up to come here.
Maybe, when I got settled in my own place, I’d go shopping and get a new style. I’d be that sophisticated girl that everyone always thinks is well dressed. My nails would always look immaculate because I’d paint them every day. I’d get up early and put make-up on and I’d have the perfect shoes and bag for every outfit and occasion. Hayley would be proud, and I felt a sadness that she wouldn’t be around to see the new, fashionable me.
I made my bed, cleaned up in the kitchen and dawdled for as long as I could before telling myself rather sternly to get on with my life. I grabbed my bag and went downstairs to the cafe. Shane was wiping down tables.
“Breakfast muffin?” he asked me, walking back to the counter.
“And a coffee to go please.”
“I was wondering if you were ever going to drag that lazy arse of yours out of bed,” he said with a wink.
“I had a long, very satisfying bath, I’ll have you know.”
“It’s a great bath tub isn’t it?”
“It’s like getting into a blissful piece of warm soapy heaven. You could fit three people in there.”
“We did, once.”
“Too much info, thank you.”
“I was just kidding.”
I didn’t need to know, so I told him about my plan to create the new me. He didn’t seem very interested and continued wiping tables.
“You just wait,” I told him. “I’m going to be a beautiful, fashionable, sophisticated independent woman.”
Shane stopped wiping and looked up at me.
“Or you could just be yourself. You’re beautiful, sophisticated and independent already.”
I noticed he left out fashionable.
“You’re biased because you’re my BFF.”
“As your BFF, I know you. I know you’re not into fashion and doing your nails every night and all that other stuff. That’s great for Hayley, but it’s not you.”
“Maybe,” I shrugged. He had a point. I’d probably get bored by the second day. And I couldn’t afford a new wardrobe, anyhow.
“You’re fine as you are, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Thank you.”
“You going to get to work or what?” He went back to his wiping.
“Okay I will, Dad.”
He laughed. Oh, there was one more thing before I got on…
“Everything okay with you and Andrew? I mean, regarding Maidstone?”
A customer came in and went to the counter.
“We’ll chat later,” Shane told me and I took that as my cue to go. I was desperate to know what they’d do, but no more distraction techniques: I had to get back to work.
Chapter Thirty-Six
I got Wentworth from the flat and walked up the road to my studio as slowly as his eager legs would let me. A bride-to-be and her mother were waiting outside. In my reluctance to get back into the routine, I’d totally forgotten I had an appointment booked for this morning.
“I’m so sorry, am I late?” I asked as I hurried to unlock the door. What was her name again? Daisy? Tulip? Rose? Something like that.
“No, we’re early,” said the bride, who looked about 12. Surely she wasn’t old enough to be getting married?
“You must be Poppy?” I asked her.
“Yes, and this is my mother, Jane.”
Phew, I had her name right. At least they might not think me quite as unprofessional as I felt.
We made small talk as I led them to my office. I had a couple of sofas set up in there and left them to look through my portfolio while I made them coffee. Wentworth went to lie on his bed in the corner, a spot I’d picked because the sunlight shone in and he liked to lay there most days while I worked, snoozing. Golden retrievers have such hard lives.
I can do this, I told myself as I made Poppy and Jane’s drinks. It was the same as before really, just because my marriage was over, did not mean I couldn’t share in other’s matrimonial joy. I returned to face them with what I hoped was a fervent grin on my face, and asked when the big day was.
And I did a pretty good job of sounding enthusiastic, even when Poppy told me about the bright orange bridesmaid’s dresses she’d chosen – I’d seen worse – and my sales pitch was obviously good enough because they left hyped up and giddy on wedding talk, promising to send the father of the bride along with a deposit later that day. Another wedding booked for next year. Next year felt so far off, who knew what I’d be doing by then.
After they left, I finally ate my breakfast muffin and then pottered around the studio for a while, clearing the dust that’d settled while I was away and then I sat down to sort through some photos I’d taken just before I left. I was quickly distracted and started looking at flats and houses to rent instead. There were a few I thought I could afford and I bookmarked them to look at again later. Maybe Shane would come with me to view them if I offered to buy him a drink on the way home. I didn’t fancy doing that on my own. Not that I could keep relying on him. He was my best friend, not my stand-in husband, I reminded myself.
I then remembered my photos of Skye and downloaded them all to my laptop. There were lots of rubbish shots but also quite a few I was pleased with. I came to the one of me, Will, Fern and Wentworth at Kilt Rock and stared at it for a while. We looked like such a happy couple, with our two dogs, carefree, enjoying our holiday. I printed it off and stuck it on the wall just above my desk. Will hadn’t replied to my last email, so I sent him another.
Hi Will,
So, first day back at work and I’m getting into the swing of it. I told Ross it’s over and it went better than I expected. Started looking at flats to rent and feeling good.
H
ow’re you? I hope things are working out well for you. I miss our daily chats from last week. Keep in touch. Wentworth sends his love to Fern!
Jenny x
I attached the photo of us with the dogs. Then I googled him and found his veterinary practice website. There was a photo of him wearing a rather fetching white coat. I thought about googling Mandy next, but resisted. Cyber-stalking was not the way forward.
I didn’t feel like working. Returning to work after a holiday is so tedious and tiresome. A knock came, making me jump. It was just Poppy’s father, sent along to pay the deposit. I thanked him and returned to my desk. I tried calling Hayley again but still no answer. I imagined her out on the farm, knee high in mud, wondering what on earth she’d done and desperate to come home again. I couldn’t see her being happy there long term, but what did I know? Maybe I was wrong, and she’d be very content with her new life. I hoped so, for her sake.
I considered calling Sadie next but then remembered she’d be at work. Ugh. Work. Something I should be getting on with myself. Another knock at the door, another distraction – yay!
“Hi,” Shane said, coming in with a brown paper bag. “Angie’s covering for me so I thought I’d bring you lunch.”
“Ooh, my favourite,” I grinned with glee as I opened up my turkey and avocado baguette. We sat on the sofa and Shane rubbed his eyes.
“So, you and Andrew? Maidstone?”
“We had a big fight about it.”
“He wants to go and you don’t?”
“Yep.” He rubbed his beard and I tried not to smile.
“Shall we list the pros and cons?”
“I can’t see any pros. I’ve got my job here, my friends, my whole life.”
“But sounds like this job is a great opportunity,” I ventured on Andrew’s behalf. He’d told me all about it while Shane was baking his muffins the night before. I didn’t want them to go, but I could see why Andrew wanted to.
“Yes, it is for him. But I just can’t see myself leaving.”
“It’s tough,” I said, wishing I could offer a better reply when he’d been so supportive of me, but I had nothing superior to offer.
Independent Jenny Page 16
