by Mara White
To Ryan, it was an honor to wake up next to Jackie. And those occasions were few and far between. Jackie loved sex, she even loved to cuddle, but she would avoid the depth, any of the emotional parts. Sometimes, it felt to Ryan like he was trying to catch a slippery fish with his bare hands or a skittish cat in the backyard. You move, they retreat. You act passive they approach again. It was often mind-numbing, infuriating, hair-tearing frustrating, but Ryan couldn’t have let go, even if he’d wanted to. Jackie was a drug. His drug.
“I deem tonight a cruising night. We’re out on the prowl. Whoever can get a Sigma Phi member wins. And you have to fuck them. No blow jobs.”
Jackie was drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk, Ryan was closer to tipsy, feeling more happy than reckless. Jackie was the reckless one. They’d finished midterms and were celebrating the occasion. What Ryan really wanted was to watch a movie with Jackie and eat some popcorn, dissolve her walls with syrupy kisses, tongue and oral sex. But she wanted someone else, as she occasionally did. Conquest for Jackie, it seemed, was part of her self-destructiveness. Whenever they got too close, she did something to force the distance between them. And Ryan acquiesced because he was a twenty-one-year-old man; if it hadn’t been for his deep and sacred commitment to Jackie, he would be out doing exactly what she was suggesting. Hooking up. Getting laid. On the prowl for a one-night-stand.
A game. She proposed a game.
A game that did nothing but expose her fear of commitment. Her fear of intimacy. Her fear of ever getting hurt as much as she did when her mother passed away and left her to fend for her whole family. Jackie had this huge heart but she had sectioned it off into partitions. Ryan never knew what piece he was going to get. But beggars couldn’t be choosers.
Ryan was game, he guessed. A shrug of the shoulders. Because he was drunk. Because he loved her with a vengeance. Because he was angry as hell that Jackie didn’t know how to let go and love him back.
“State your rules, woman,” he said as he slammed back another shot. He could beat Jackie at this game. He was unstoppable in the charm and pick-up department. Jackie was too sloppy when she was drunk. Plus, most of the guys on the team wouldn’t come within ten feet of her because they assumed she belonged to Ryan. But they were wrong. According to Jackie, she belonged to no one.
“Blonde. Big tits. She has to be pretty. She has to have a boyfriend—”
“Jack, that’s going too far.” Ryan said. But he could already see the sadistic flicker in her eye. Jackie could be a devil when she wanted to.
“Are you playing or not? Thought you said you were game.”
He’d do anything to prove himself to her. Anything to please her. Almost. Sleep with people who were already taken should have been a hard limit. But he had too many shots in him already.
“Fine, if she’s unavailable, you have to bag a professor or a TA.” Ryan sat back on the couch in the beer hall, crossed his legs smugly and took a long pull of his beer.
“Fine!” Jackie said defensively and looked away over her shoulder. It was seconds like those he wanted to hold onto forever and tuck away in his pocket. Jackie was vulnerable, she was sweet and sensitive. But she was hell-bent on not showing it and Ryan had learned to—no, he’d been trained to accept whatever little he could get.
“Good!” she said.
“Great!” Ryan said. Jackie poured two more shots. The only woman—the only person who had ever made him cry in his life was this spitfire in front of him, a sick look of determination shadowed across her face. He wanted to tackle her, to melt down her defenses and make her admit her real feelings. But it was easier with Jackie to submit. Past experience had shown him that when he opened up, when he made his real feelings known, Jackie would bail faster than free pizza on campus. He had no choice but to play her games.
“Are we going to the State?” Ryan asked about their regular hangout.
“No, we’re going downtown. No TAs fucking hang out on campus. Let’s go to Jenna’s.” Her smile was devious.
“What’s in it for me?”
“Clout. The fuck I know. No blowjobs, Ryan. Full. On. Fucking. Intercourse.” She said it sharply and painfully, pointing her finger at him. She grabbed two gold Trojan condoms out of her purse and separated them crudely. She threw one at him.
“It’s on,” Ryan said, rising to his full six-foot-one. He was acting a part. His heart wasn’t in it. He’d already spent freshman and sophomore year competitive fucking, bagging chicks left and right, just because he could. It was his first time away from home—he gave himself a little bit of slack. Maybe that was the difference, she was younger than he and just needed to get it out of her system. Sometimes, Ryan could swear she was trying to exorcise him out of her system. For as much ruckus and fun as they had together, she caused him twice as much heartache. The barbs she put out just to protect herself from getting hurt, were toxic, detrimental to both him and her, they both got torn apart. Ryan often felt ashamed, imagining what his parents would say if they could see the sick games that they played. But another part of him knew they would only see the love. His parents would adore Jackie and she would love them back, just as hard.
They walked to Jenna’s, even though the air was icy cold. Jackie wrapped her huge sparkly knit scarf around her head and her face. Ryan turned up the lapels of his jacket, pulled his wool hat down over his forehead, grabbed Jackie’s hand in his giant one. She wasn’t wearing gloves and her purple nail polish was chipped. His gumption caved for a quick second and he almost gave up. But he rallied himself and vowed to win her stupid game. He wanted to snag the most beautiful girl either of them had ever seen. He wanted to see Jackie fall apart, have her not be able to bear him kissing someone else, to storm over to them and call it quits.
Jackie threw open the door to the bar, letting in a blast of cold wind. The ambiance was more mature than the campus bars, it was packed; the DJ was spinning records from an elevated platform at the back of the main room. There were four bartenders working. Most pouring fancy cocktails, Cosmos and Martinis, not the beer keg fare of the bars closer to campus. Jenna’s was up near the capital, the crowd was a blur of mostly adults, maybe some graduate students.
“We should always come here!” Jackie exclaimed with bold sentiment, but Ryan could hear the quiver in her voice, could tell by her body language she was intimidated by her own recourse.
“Want to call it quits?” he asked her before he could keep himself in check. The last thing he needed to do was to challenge her bravery. Ryan knew how that game ended—Jackie would push herself beyond reasonable limits to prove just how strong she was. Ryan already knew she was strong as fuck. It was the other side of her he longed to see, that was what he pined for. He wanted to crack open her hard outer shell and peer through translucent skin to see the blood in her veins, the fragile, tiny heartbeat.
“You fucking kidding me? Game on, Ry!”
“Jack, wait! Let me get your drink, because I have no idea if they’re cool with fakes in this place.”
“Dude! I’ve got in under control—that’s my lead in. Get your hands off of me. You’re dampening my chances.”
“Okay, remember a TA!” he found himself shouting at her over the music.
“Blonde, big titties!” Jackie held her hands over her chest like she was carrying watermelons. “Fucking, no sucking!”
Ryan’s dick surged in his pants, even though it was crass. Maybe Jackie’s twisted games held some sort of sick appeal to them. Whatever, they were in college and it was true they were best friends. They weren’t doing anything too horrifying, Ryan had seen some pledge games during rush go further than this.
He watched Jackie until the crowd swallowed her. Jack was a brunette and kind of flat chested, now he’d been summoned to find the opposite. He slipped through groups of crowded bodies on his way to the bar. He could see two blonde women sitting together, but their backs were to him—no way to tell how old they were.
He scanned the crowd for Jackie and sa
w her perched at one of the elevated tables on the platform in the back. She was tipping back a shot. Great! Ryan thought. He made it to the bar and took the remaining seat right next to the two women. He smiled at them both as he leaned in to the bartender and ordered a vodka Redbull. Then, at the last second, out came: “and two of whatever they’re having.” The ladies looked surprised and focused their attention on him. It wasn’t in his budget to splurge like that, but Ryan was suddenly determined to win.
“Hey, thanks!” said the blonde right next to him.
“Sure,” Ryan said and threw them both his most irresistible smile. The first girl looked at the other and he could see her raise her eyebrows.
Jamie and Laura were both graduate students. Jamie in political science and Laura in theatre arts. Laura being the more attractive of the two and Ryan’s evening target. He glanced at her chest as soon as it was possible to do so without looking too obvious. She was wearing a sweater but even the bulk couldn’t hide her ample assets. He bought them another round, put his hand on her back, encroaching on eventual make-out territory. The idea still stung a bit and he needed to block it out. He ordered shots of Jagermeister and decided to get really fucked up.
They did their shots and when Ryan slammed his glass down, he couldn’t help but raise his eyes and scan the bar for Jackie. He spotted her alright, straddling the lap of some dude at one of the half-moon tables that circled the back. She was grinding on his cock and engaged in a full out kissing session. He could see how deeply the man had his tongue in her mouth and how his hand came to rest on the curve of her ass. A curve Ryan knew all too well, so well, in fact, he felt proprietary of that little curve. Instinct told him to stalk across the room, to rip her off of the dude and drag her out Jenna’s kicking and screaming.
But instead, he gritted his teeth, brushed Laurie’s hair over her opposite shoulder and leaned down to kiss her neck. She flinched at first and then leaned into it. He chanced a tiny bit of tongue. She inhaled hard, like a gasp, and Ryan let his other hand slide around to her stomach, the top side of his thumb grazing her breast.
She bent her neck back and her whole body trembled.
“I want to kiss you,” Ryan whispered. “Can I?” Laurie looked at her friend, who then excused herself to the bathroom.
Laurie grabbed his hand and he threw down another twenty for a tip and the shots. She guided him to a dark hallway off of the main room and looked up into his eyes. Her’s were hooded and sparkled with that glaze of desire. Ryan felt his cock pulse again and Jackie’s words played in his head, “Full. On. Fucking. Intercourse.” his blood ran hot and thick with the thought. Would Laurie be up for casual sex? He had no way of knowing, but it certainly was a sign that she dragged him to the back, away from the bar. Was she single or in a relationship? She was supposed to be taken. Ryan didn’t care anymore, Jackie had no way of checking.
Laurie ran her hands up Ryan’s chest over his black, cotton tee that stretched across his pecs and highlighted his biceps. She looked at him with a coy grin that was obviously consent.
“Can I kiss,” Ryan whispered hoarsely. His lips brushed along her neck again. “You?” he asked her. His mother had taught him to always be a gentleman.
“Yes!” she was breathy.
Then his mouth was on her, devouring her lips, delving deep beyond and tasting her whole mouth. It was definitely a pre-fucking kiss. She moaned into it and circled her hips against his hardness. Ryan released his hands south to the curve of her, remembering how the other man was grabbing Jackie in the same spot. Somehow the feeling of her ass under his palm and the idea of knowing Jackie was experiencing the same thing, made his cock strain against his jeans so desperately, that Ryan thought he was in danger of blowing his load right then and there.
“Want to come home with me?”
“Yeah,” he whispered into her hair. He did. He thought. He was pretty sure.
They turned to go and ran right into Jackie and her catch.
“Excuse me,” Laurie said. Jackie checked her shoulder really hard, on purpose.
“Watch the fuck out!” the jerk who was with her said.
Great. A bar fight. Ryan had the sudden urge to grab Jackie by the shoulders and shake her, like you would an errant teenager.
What do you really want? What are you trying to prove?
He remembered his dad yelling similar things when he and Scotty had gotten out of hand in high school. Of course, there was the church and the parishioners and his mom and their teachers and a whole slew of other things to keep them in check. They were good kids, despite a few run of the mill screw ups.
But not Jackie, she was still in full-on rebellion. Anyone who got close to her, would get a taste of her medicine. She was a treasure, a beautiful, wonderful, warm, funny, generous girl, who had let the fear of abandonment do atrocious things to her. And Ryan, was fool enough to fall head over heels in love with her.
“Let’s get out of here,” he said under his breath to Laurie. He shuddered at the thought Jackie was heading to the bathrooms, that she’d screw some stranger against a dirty sink or toilet. He remembered the gold Trojan like some kind of talisman, patted his own in his pocket. At least she wouldn’t get a disease, at least she wouldn’t get pregnant. Ryan slipped his arm around Laurie outside because she was shivering.
In the cab she slid across the seat and snuggled him.
“We’re going to campus, to the frat row,” he said and simultaneously decided. He wouldn’t bring her to the dorm. With Jackie it was different, but bringing a stranger home to his real bed, felt blasphemous. A lot of the guys brought girls to the frat house, he’d at least spare his roommate the sound effects.
“We can go to my place. I don’t want to go to a frat house.”
Laurie leaned forward and gave a street address to the cabbie. A real house or maybe apartment, far off of campus. Ryan felt a little surge of excitement. Laurie was beautiful, she was older and in some ways it excited him.
At her house, she poured glasses of red wine, put on a jazz record and turned down the lights. I was very all very mature compared to what Ryan was used to. He missed the familiarity he had with Jackie, how when she wanted it, she would beg him to go down on her.
“I’m so strung out from studying, I don’t think I can fall asleep tonight unless you help me!” Stress on the word ‘help,’ she’d stick her hand in her panties and with the other one grab his dick. It was light. It was silly, until they touched and it detonated. Ryan never said no to her. He had no reason to. The thought of Jackie slick and on his lips drove him wild. He tongued Laurie harder, she communicated with little gasps and moans, telling him she liked it.
Suddenly she sat up and pulled her wool sweater over her head. Her bra was black lace and her skin was a pale as milk. Almost blue. The contrast was shocking, alluring, Ryan immediately went for her breasts. He drove her insane with his tongue, alternating between licking and sucking hard. She grasped the back of his neck and held him to her breast, like she never wanted him to stop. He managed to get her out of her skirt. She still had on tights and the shoes on her feet. A practical outfit for a cold January night in the mid-west. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he yearned for Jackie and her ridiculous and impractical outfits. Flip-flops for everything, even in the snow. Shorts during an ice storm, but she’d worn her ear muffs and her huge sparkle scarf. She had a thing for his hats, never her own, they fell over her eyebrows and made her look like a dopey kid. An adorable dopey kid. Giant school sweatshirts over flannels with sleeping shorts underneath. If it was below zero, she broke out sweats and pajama bottoms, a pair of Sorrell boots finally covering her frozen feet.
He’d wanted to ask her if she needed money to shop for something warm. But he was too shy, and besides, she always raided his closet, as if it were her own.
“Uh, uh,” she blonde moaned under the thrust of his fingers. He’d made his way inside of her wet panties, only maybe half aware of what he was doing. His pointer and mi
ddle finger were thrusting inside her slick heat, with enthusiasm, but Ryan was barely thinking of her. He reeled his thoughts in to concentrate on the beautiful woman in front of him. Remembering the condom, he pulled it from his pocket. She sat up from reclining and attacked his fly with genuine passion. He took a deep breath. Stay in the moment. It’s the least you can do for her.
Laurie licked his cock, up and down the shaft, He jerked and spasmed against her tongue. The girl knew her way around a dick. She fondled his balls and then slipped under to roll them in her mouth.
“Fuck,” Ryan moaned. He didn’t feel guilty or remorseful. He felt vindicated. This was good. Fuck her.
“Are you single?” Laurie asked. She tore the condom open with her perfect white, straight teeth. Ryan nodded his head vigorously. He was. Jackie flat out refused to be anyone’s steady girlfriend.
“You?” Shit. He’d asked her automatically. A knee jerk reaction to her question. Part of the reason he’d picked Laurie and not her friend Jamie was the inconspicuous gold band wrapped around her left ring finger. Ryan felt a warm blush start in the pit of his stomach and rise rapidly to his face. Laurie had already paused too long. He felt like an asshole, like someone his mom and dad couldn’t be proud of. He watched a rosy blush take over Laurie fair skin, too.
“Separated. God, I should have told you. I’m such a moron!” The condom was unwrapped in her hand, Ryan’s cock stood at attention.
“That’s okay!” Ryan almost shouted. “Separated is good. Great even! It’s all good.” Ryan watched the relief come over her face and was glad his manic response hadn’t scared her away. She took him in her hot mouth again and pressed forward until he was buried in deep to the back of her throat. He wanted to sink inside her and he couldn’t choose between her pussy or her mouth.
