by Shey Stahl
Even with all of the pain medication they had me on, my body responded to seeing Jameson with his crankshaft standing at attention like it was saluting me.
Unfortunately, Casten picked that exact moment to walk into my room.
“Hey, Mom, I brought you…. Oh Jesus! Oh fuck!” He screamed in such a high pitch that someone walking by would have thought it was a thirteen-year-old girl instead of a twenty-four-year-old man.
“Fuck, damn, fuck! I think I’m blind!” I couldn’t help but laugh because he was covering his eyes while trying to find his way out of the room. In the process he tripped over a chair and slammed into a wall.
“Damn it, Dad! Put that thing away. This is not okay. I am never going to be okay.”
Jameson stood in the middle of my room when Casten left staring at me like “did that just happen?”
Staring at his camshaft, I couldn’t help myself. “He seems… scared? Did Casten scare him?”
Of course my comment pissed off Jameson as he zipped his jeans. “Fuck off.”
After he tucked everything back in place, I motioned for him to climb into bed with me. I had this overwhelming need to be close to him and it seemed even when he was right next to me, he was still too far away.
Carefully snuggling into his side—the funbags were still pretty sore—I placed my hand over his heart. “I missed you,” I told him, trying to snuggle even tighter to his side. I couldn’t get close enough.
“Missed me?” He let out a breathy laugh kissing my forehead. “I was a wreck out there.”
“I know.”
Angling my face so I could look into his eyes, his expression of undying love made my heart skip.
“I know what you mean, though. All this time I was so afraid of the unknown. It was killing me to not be able to control the outcome. And while you were in surgery, they kept coming out and telling us it was taking longer than expected. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”
“Is that when you decided to commit assault on a vending machine?”
He laughed lightly and I couldn’t help but smile because hearing his laugh was everything to me.
“I needed Skittles.”
“You and your candy.”
The room was quiet for a moment, the buzzing from the machines next to me the only sound besides our breathing. Jameson took in a deep breath, his chest rising and then falling slowly. “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t made it through this.”
I knew what he meant because he wouldn’t have. I was like his torsion bar stop, holding him in a fixed place. Believe it or not, I could raise and lower his car by using an adjustment bolt. The same went for me. Together we knew the adjustments we needed to make and if that stop hadn’t been there, there was no telling what kind of setup we’d be left with.
Choke Linkage – On a carbureted engine, the assembly of parts that controls a valve that limits incoming cold air until the engine reaches operating temperature and is able to vaporize fuel more efficiently.
After Sway’s surgery, the end of the season fast approached and before I knew it, Christmas had arrived. She still showed people her tits, but thankfully, it didn’t happen daily anymore. After a few complications with her overdoing it, she healed nicely and you wouldn’t even know she had breast cancer. She still went back monthly after the surgery for checkups but she’d just been cleared to come back every six months now. Things were beginning to look up for us.
We renewed our vows a few weeks back, but I wanted something more for her. Something she’d always wanted. A white Christmas in the mountains with around thirty people in hopes to all get along and have a nice holiday.
It was a stupid fucking idea.
But I would also never admit it because it was, in fact, my fucking stupid idea to do this. Nope. Never happening.
Truth was, I wanted to give Sway everything she deserved and more. After everything she went through over the summer with the cancer and surgery, she needed to know we were all there for her and with her. Every year she talked about wanting a big family Christmas. What better way to give her that than in the one place she loved to get away to in the winter. Vail Colorado. At least that was my plan.
Turning to Sway, I wanted to brighten my mood. We were flying commercial because apparently, I was full of fucking stupid ideas and thought Sway would enjoy all of us traveling together to Vail. My bright idea only further succeeded to put me in a grumpy mood, but I wanted something to take my mind off the insanity of this idea. What better way to do that than with my wife.
I started out by asking if she wanted to go to the bathroom with me for a little align boring. She shot me down immediately.
“You know you want to.” I gave my most convincing voice.
“No, actually I don’t.” She wouldn’t even look at me.
I could be very convincing when I needed to be, so I upped my game by whispering in her ear. “Yes, yes you do.”
She pushed me back by placing her palm on my face. “Jameson, I do not want to have sex on an airplane again.” Then she gave me the look. “You do remember the last time, right?”
I didn’t answer because unfortunately, I did though I tried to block that memory out of us on the plane to Rio and that shithead kid beating on the door.
“Casten!” Arie screamed at her brother two rows back from us. “You motherfucker!”
Sway sighed, breaking her gaze from mine. “Don’t let them get us kicked off this plane.”
“And how the hell am I going to do that? It took some convincing just to get them to allow Arie on a plane.
“That’s her own fault. She shouldn’t have stabbed Casten with a spork.”
Sitting back in my seat and facing forward, I reached for my drink. No way was she letting me in which sucked for me because I wasn’t thrilled about the whole family Christmas, regardless of it being my idea. “He probably deserved it.”
While I was trying to think of a new angle to get her in the bathroom, I could faintly hear Arie and Casten arguing. I was sure everyone else could too.
“Are you sure it’s a good idea that we all go to the cabin. Together?”
“It’s an eighty-five hundred square foot house. I’d hardly classify that as a cabin.”
Sway had some apprehension when I’d suggested it. As did I. I’d seen Christmas Vacation probably a thousand times in my life, and I was sure the Griswold’s had nothing on this family. It would be nothing short of a disaster. That was a given.
“But still,”—Sway shifted in her seat to face me, searching my eyes for hesitation—“we have thirty people coming. I’m not so sure this is going to work out.”
“You wanted a big family Christmas.” I raised my drink in front of me to my lips and smiled. “That’s what you’re getting.”
“A concert, a wedding and a big Christmas.” Her eyebrows rose. “What have you done with my husband?”
Finally an angle I could work with. “Come to the bathroom and I’ll show you.”
“No.”
It was going to take some convincing, or wooing on my part because she wasn’t budging.
When I thought about a big family Christmas, never in my wildest dreams did I think of a private house in Vail Colorado with our entire family. But that was exactly what Jameson delivered.
I heard screaming from outside not long after the boys had left to go out there. “What the hell are they doing?” I asked, peeking out the window through the snow. It was really starting to come down.
Alley squinted. “Looks to me like it’s a snowball fight. Again.”
Over the years, Jameson had ensured that I have seen some of the most beautiful parts of this world. Vail Colorado at Christmas was certainly no exception. It had always been my favorite time of year and to see it like this was breathtaking, everything from the log cabin house to the thick fluffy blankets of fresh snow.
“There is no way in hell I’m sleeping in a room next to him.” When I turned around, I saw Arie pointing h
er finger in Casten’s face as he tried to bite it. She was so mean to him sometimes.
In this nearly nine thousand square foot house, there were twelve bedrooms and some couches. The boys, like Charlie, Noah, Tommy and even Rager offered to sleep on the couch. Which was nice because someone was going to have to. We managed to get the kids into one room and all the couples in their own bedrooms as well, but they were still arguing about who was next to whom.
Figures.
“Fine,” Hayden interrupted them. “We will sleep in the room next to Spencer and Alley. You guys can sleep next to Lane and Bailey.”
Arie seemed satisfied. “Fine.”
Just as I was taking a deep breath and looking through the house, Jameson and the boys came inside wet from the snow. He shook his head when he got to me. “Fucking Tommy hit me in the head.” Snow fell from his hair and into my face.
Laughing, I brushed away flakes off his nose. “Poor baby.”
“Come kiss it and make it better?”
“Sure.” Taking his hand in mine, we were on the staircase when the doorbell rang.
“Fuck, really?” Jameson twisted and stepped up one step pulling me with him. “Ignore it.”
“We can’t.”
Emma and Alley were walking past the door and stopped, wondering who it might be as well. Jameson, being Jameson, sat down on the stairs pouting.
When I opened the door, I wasn’t sure what to think. Standing there were two people who took the ugly sweater thing to extremes. No lie. The woman, shaking snow from her eighties hair and looking to be in her late forties was wearing a bright red sweater with kittens knitted on the front. Only their paws had mittens on them, and their tails had bows. Two bows were conveniently placed over her funbags. Looked ridiculous if you ask me. The man, about six inches taller than his wife, and looking like they could be brother and sister, wore a sweater that was even more disturbing. Frosty the snowman, only his carrot nose was awfully low.
“Oh. My—” I elbowed Emma before she could continue, her eyes on the man’s carrot nose.
I turned back to look at Jameson, wondering what he was going to say, barely able to control my laughter. He peeked around me to see them, rolled his eyes and leaned his head against the railing. He mumbled something, but I couldn’t be sure what. The couple at the door was rather loud.
“Merry Christmas! You’re the Riley family, right?” The woman gleamed, all smiles and big bright white teeth smudged with red lipstick. “Can you believe this weather?”
Fucking weirdos. It’s the mountains. At Christmas. Of course, it’s going to be snowing.
“It’s crazy.” I waved to the snow accumulating on the overly large front porch lined with Christmas lights and an assortment of red and white decorations.
“Did you hear about the storm coming in?” the man said, and then they laughed. “But we never mind the storms with a nice fire and hot chocolate.”
Jameson groaned behind us and stomped to the kitchen.
I kept waiting for them to introduce themselves, but they never did and wouldn’t let me get a word in to say anything. Just kept talking. They did, however, hand us a plate of cookies and homemade hot chocolate mix.
“Who were those people?” Emma snickered when they finally left. “They’re awesome!”
Naturally, Emma would find someone who talked a lot awesome.
Jameson returned with what looked to be straight whiskey in a glass with ice. “If their last name is Sloan, we’re fucking leaving.”
“Jameson.” I shoved him back lightly by placing my hand on this chest. “Stop. They’re nice people.”
“Who the fuck are those people?” Spencer asked, spraying an assortment of crackers and what not flying from his mouth.
“The neighbors,” Jameson mumbled, watching them walk away through the blinding snow.
“Fucking weirdoes. Who walks all the way over here in the snow? The house next door is like a mile away.” Then Spencer spotted the cookies. “Are those oatmeal?”
Jameson slapped his hand. “Hands off. They’re mine.”
Spencer gawked at him. “Says who?”
“Me.” Jameson ripped the plate from my hand and walked into the kitchen. Guessed he was sidetracked with the cookies and sex wasn’t happening.
Emma patted my back. “Let’s go bake cookies.”
“With what? We forgot to go the store.”
“I’ll go,” Rosa said, raising her hand as we walked into the kitchen to find Jameson sitting there with the whiskey, cookies, and Spencer.
“Get something for my headache while you’re there.”
Poor guy. He needed some loving. Reaching for his hand, I placed it on my boobs. “I’ve got some pain relief for you, champ.”
He stood immediately. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
“WHY DO WE need Tater-Tots?” Rosa looked back at me when I spoke, giving me that look like I was crazy. I got that a lot from Rosa, but so did everyone else. “Oh, for the kids?”
“No. Tommy.” Rosa continued to walk around the aisles picking up random items and throwing them in the cart. “He loves them.”
Tommy and Rosa’s relationship had always been entertaining to me. They were more like sex buddies than a couple, and Rosa was more of a live-in guest than our housekeeper.
When we got back to the house, we started making cookies with the girls, aside from Arie. She was never much of a baker, but she was trying. Just wasn’t making anything that resembled cookies.
Lexi, being a few months pregnant now was taking the eating for two literally while Alley laughed at her. “You don’t have to eat for two just yet. The baby is only like the size of a flea.”
“Really?” Arie squinted. “That’s all?”
“No.” Emma shook her head. “You’re like fourteen weeks. It’s like the size of an apple by now.”
Lexi lifted up her shirt to reveal a small bump and pointed at it. “That’s either poop or baby.” And then her eyes lit up staring at the table. “Ohhh, I love those ones!” She gleamed reaching for the sugar cookie I had just finished frosting.
I slapped her hand away when she started taking them all. “Don’t eat them all. Those are Casten’s favorite.”
Tommy came into the kitchen with Casten, barely able to breathe through his laughter and pulled off his beanie cap slamming it down on the table in an exaggerated motion. “I can’t… holy shit. I can’t breathe.” He grabbed at his stomach as he fell in the chair beside the bar.
“What?” Casten asked and then looked at me as if I should know what Tommy had done. He was an idiot. No one knew what Tommy did besides him. And even then, if you did know what he was up to, his motives were questionable.
“Jameson….” Somewhere between his harsh breathing, Tommy finally was able to speak in a voice we could understand instead of waving his hands around. “He had a headache so I gave him Viagra. Stupid asshole thought it was aspirin.”
My mouth dropped open. “The fuck, Tommy! Where is he now?”
“The best part is, he doesn’t know.” Tommy pointed his finger in my face. “So don’t tell him.”
I shoved him. “Seriously? You don’t actually think he’s not going to find out?”
Tommy shrugged. “Maybe not.”
I wasn’t surprised Tommy did this. He did shit like this all the time.
“Besides”—he put his arm around Rosa, kissed her cheek and then headed for the door—“I doubt he’ll complain about having an erection for four hours.” He turned to me. “Would he?”
My face heated. “Probably not.”
Should make for an interesting night for sure.
LATER THAT NIGHT, they were all waiting to see how long it would take for Jameson to have a reaction to the Viagra, but it turned out the pills Tommy had were expired so he wasn’t sure if they’d even work.
Boy was he wrong.
We were in the hot tub, me, Aiden, Emma, Spencer, Alley and Jameson when he kept shifting around and t
elling me he felt funny. I was already drunk, as was Alley and Emma, and we couldn’t stop laughing at him.
His face was all red and he kept blinking rapidly. It was entertaining, but I’d had too many rum and cokes by then not to find everything entertaining.
“Look how well I fill out this bikini with these fake funbags!” I shouted, cupping my breasts. “They look amazing.”
“Yes, they do,” Spencer commented, smiling.
Alley just shook her head knowing her husband meant nothing by it.
Jameson stared at me. “You take that bikini off and I’m going to be pissed.”
Wouldn’t be the first time. Or the last.
“Calm down.” I patted his head and then brought his head to rest on my chest. “See, they’re comfortable.”
“About the restaurant” Aiden interrupted Spencer in his hour-long debate about smoked brisket, completely changing the conversation. I couldn’t follow what he was talking about, but we had all been talking about buying a restaurant together. A way to secure our retirement I guessed, but we’d yet to decide on the location and what we would serve. Knowing the boys, it was looking like barbecue was going to be the preference. “I think we found a great location in Mooresville. We wouldn’t even have to put in a kitchen. It used to be a pizza joint, so they have everything already.”
“That’s good,” Alley said, watching Jameson out of the corner of her eye when he leaned into me.
“We need to go! Right now,” he said, standing and it was apparent the Viagra had kicked in full strength.
“Whoa, dude,” Spencer laughed. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you pointing is rude?”
The next four hours, actually, the next six hours were spent trying to relieve the need he had, and even well into the morning, I didn’t think he was satisfied.
I was, well, so incredibly sore. It was like my pit lizard days when I couldn’t sit down let alone walk right. I guarantee I walked with a limp the next day. I thought for sure I threw my hip out.
