by Shey Stahl
“I’m starving. When is Jameson gonna be done with that meat?” Hayden asked, sitting next to Arie. They gave each other a miserable sigh and stared at the plate of cookies that were nearly gone by now, and then their husbands who were responsible for their situation.
“I think you’ve had enough meat in your life.” Rosa eyed Hayden up and down. Leave it to her to piss off the pregnant women in the house in one afternoon.
Hayden refused to acknowledge her, mostly because Gray walked into the room and then right outside to where the guys were to hang on her dad. Gray was a daddy’s girl and if Casten wasn’t around, she wanted Jameson. Everyone else she pretty much ignored. Even her mother.
“I really hope this little girl likes me.” Hayden leaned back in the chair to touch her stomach. “You hear that. You better like me damn it.”
As I watched the girls talk about their babies, it reminded me of how Emma, Alley and I used to do this very same thing and now this year, it wasn’t the same, yet again. When Jack died there was a void at Christmas, something none of us wanted to acknowledge let alone speak of, and now it seemed that way again, like an unavoidable engine failure. You knew it happened because someone forgot to put the oil plug back in. But no one wanted to take the blame.
SINCE THE KIDS were little, every Christmas night I sat next to the fire in the living room sipping hot chocolate. It was something my mother did when I was younger and I always thought how peaceful that must have been. Once I spent my first Christmas with three screaming toddlers, I knew then she was on to something. Though my kids weren’t toddlers anymore, theirs were and I still found pleasure in just sitting next to the fire and enjoying the time alone.
“Sway?” Jameson called out.
Craning my neck forward, I noticed him coming into the family room. “In here!”
I glanced up to see Jameson’s eyes were gentle. He’d thought about this a lot today. “I was wrong. Now what?”
I knew what he was referring to. Spencer.
“I’d say call him, but I think you should wait a little while. And you need to apologize in person.”
“He’s not going to listen to me,” Jameson grumbled sitting next to me, the side of his face lit by the flickering of the fireplace.
He might not listen to Jameson, but for him to admit he was wrong was going to take some time and I bet long enough that both of them would have a chance to calm down.
Protest – A complaint filed with officials, generally used to check for illegal components, scoring errors, or inappropriate driving techniques.
“We have a problem,” Alley noted, coming into the back room of the restaurant where I was signing off on Aiden’s order forms he had ready for me.
I’d heard that so many times in my life, I didn’t even react to it anymore. It was probably something stupid, like a prank gone wrong and maybe someone was missing their hair.
“Oh yeah, what’s that?”
Alley’s face paled. “It’s Cole… and Casten.”
“What the hell do you mean, Casten? What happened?”
“Cole apparently went back to using… owed some money to Nate again. Nate showed up at the shop looking for him and Casten apparently told him to get the fuck out. It went from there.”
“Is he okay?”
Alley’s face crumbled. Tears she fought to hold back streaked down her face. “I’m sorry, Jameson. I don’t know.” Shaking her head, she paced, her hands shaking at her sides. “Cole said they beat him pretty badly. They had a bat and Casten was knocked unconscious. Cole called 911 as soon as he could and then called me right after. From what he could see, Cole thinks he may have some broken bones.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I stood, the chair flipping over behind me. “Goddamn him.” As I rushed outside to my truck, Alley followed.
“Jameson… there’s more….”
More?
My blood ran cold. “What?”
“Nate and his boys took some stuff from the sprint car shop.” Her words were rushed, as if she knew she had to get them out before I lost it completely. “Said Cole should consider it payment for the money he owed them.”
Turning around to face her, it was all I could do to stand there and listen to this. “What did they take?”
Alley wouldn’t make eye contact with me. “They took an engine.” I knew there was more. Alley still wasn’t looking at me which meant whatever she had to tell me was only going to get worse. “And Jack’s helmets.”
Goddamn it!
Out of everything in that shop they took, that was the one thing that was irreplaceable. Not because they were worth so much money, but because they were Jack’s. His helmet collection was the one thing he loved as much as racing and those fuckers stole them. That did it. My heart stopped and whatever control I had left in me snapped. I became blind to anything but getting to the shop.
Dialing Sway’s number, I jumped into my truck to rush over there.
When she answered, I could tell she had been laughing. She had that lightness to her voice and my chest tightened knowing what I was about to tell her was going to rob that moment from her. “Hey, babe. Whose there with you?” I heard voices in the background but I couldn’t make out who they were.
“Emma and Arie. Oh wait, Hayden and Gray just walked in. Why? What’s up?”
Drawing in a heavy breath, I gripped the wheel tighter as I pulled out of the parking lot of the restaurant. “I need you to have Emma drive you and Hayden to the hospital. I’ll meet you there but I need you to head there right now.”
“Jameson, why would I go to the hospital?” Her voice trembled with each word. “What’s going on? You’re scaring me!”
I shook my head trying to clear out the rage. I needed to get back my fucking control so I could explain the situation to her. “Alley came by the office and told me Casten was working at the shop when some guys came in looking for Cole. There was a fight and Casten was hurt. The paramedics are on their way and I need you to go to the hospital so you’re there when they arrive. I’m going to the shop.”
She gasped. “Oh my God! Do you know how badly he’s hurt?”
“No. That’s why I need you to go straight to the hospital and be there when they arrive. I don’t know what his condition is.”
“Okay. We’re leaving now.” The fear in her voice took over, her words scrambled and inconsistent.
“I’m headed to the shop to see what I can find out,” I repeated. “I’ll meet you at the hospital as soon as I can.”
“Jameson, please promise me you won’t do anything reckless.”
“I’ll see you soon, okay?”
A heavy sigh rang through. She noticed I didn’t promise her. I couldn’t. “Okay.”
Pulling up to the shop, I arrived as the paramedics were loading Casten into the ambulance. I could tell he was still unconscious, maybe, but I wasn’t able to get to him before they slammed the doors.
Rushing to the door, I noticed Tommy standing over to the side talking to Rager. Taking a step toward Tommy, he watched me carefully, waiting to see what my reaction would be.
“Where’s Cole?”
Reaching up, his scratched the back of his head. “He’s cleaning up in the shop.”
As I turned to find him, Tommy stepped in front of me to block me, his jaw tightening. “Jameson, maybe you should take a minute to calm down.”
“Get the fuck out of my way.”
Our eyes met I knew he could see it, the rage taking over. For once he made the right decision and stepped to the side holding up his hands. Even Rager didn’t stop me.
Storming inside, I couldn’t fucking believe this shit. The place was trashed. Equipment and parts were strewn all over the place and there was blood on the floor that I could only assume belonged to Casten.
My son. My shop. My motherfucking shop. It wasn’t even the shop that pissed me off. It was what was stolen from me. I mean, yes, I was upset about Casten. I was. They beat my son to the point wher
e his blood was painting the floor and he was being taken to the hospital. But the fact that they stole Jack’s helmets and beat Casten was what really set me off.
Cole held up his hands when he saw me coming, dropping the broom to the concrete floor. “I can fix this!”
“The fuck you can!” I took him by the shirt; my hands fisted in the fabric so tightly it ripped at the edges. “How are you going fix this? Huh? You can’t fix anything, you fucking crackhead! All you do is fuck shit up.” I picked him up and threw him roughly against the wall. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” In a moment, I’d forgotten my own strength and fisted my hands in Cole’s shirt taking a firm hold of him. Slamming him back into the wall once more, I was right in his face spitting anger.
He was so ashamed that he wouldn’t even look at me. He sputtered out some words, unable to make a clear defense or formulate an excuse.
I slammed him back again. This time I heard his head make contact with the wall. “You’re a worthless piece of shit! I gave you so many fucking chances to turn your life around, and this is how you repay me?”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Tears stung his eyes, never spilling over, but the emotion welled up before he dropped his gaze to the floor scattered and the blood. “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do anymore….” And then he broke down, his chest shaking. “I tried. I just can’t stop.”
Seeing him sobbing wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t easy seeing my son’s blood at my feet and knowing my grandson’s possessions were taken either. My instinct was to fix the problem, but Spencer was right. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Not this time. At some point, I had to give up and let him destroy himself. If I didn’t, it’d destroy our family, what was left of it.
“How did you even get in that deep again?” I let go of him, expecting an answer.
“Fuck, Jameson. I don’t even know.” He raised an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth turning downward in regret. “One minute I’m doing good, and the next I’m at a party lookin’ for a fix.”
“That’s your excuse? You don’t know?” I had to turn away. I couldn’t look at him and not want to kill him.
As I turned, Cole grabbed my arm. “Jameson. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” Raising my eyebrow, I smiled and reached for a valve cover on the bench and tossed it across the shop in anger. “YOU’RE FUCKING SORRY?” the question roared out of me and then followed by the crashing sound of the valve cover hitting the wall. “How fucking sorry are you, Cole?” I screamed until my voice broke apart. “Are you so sorry that you could look Jack in the eye if he was here and tell him you’re sorry his most prized possessions were stolen but you couldn’t help yourself again? Do you think he would be okay with that? And what about Casten? He’s not just your family, Cole, he’s you’re only fucking friend, and now what? He’s being taken to the hospital with fuck knows what injuries. You and I both know there’s a chance he won’t be able to finish the rest of the season when he was leading the points. What about him, huh? You gonna tell him how fucking sorry you are, you son of a bitch!”
Rager came inside the shop having heard the noise. “Jameson,” he warned when I shoved Cole again, his body going limp against the floor. He wasn’t putting up a fight because he knew damn well he’d burned this bridge once and for all.
With what seemed like pent-up frustration, I paced the floor as I heard the shop doors open, my hands in my hair, tugging to find a reason behind this. “How many more times are you going to fuck up?”
Cole didn’t answer, shaking his head as tears fell freely. It only made my anger soar higher. How dare he sit there like some victim crying over something he did. It was his bullshit that caused this.
I was in his face again, my body shaking with an anger I might never be able to tame.
“How many more times? You’ve destroyed your parents’ marriage… put your best friend in the hospital… left your pregnant girlfriend… now what? Who’s left Cole? I’ll tell you who? No one! There’s no one left to help you.”
Something in him changed as my words washed over him and his own self-pity took over. Angry with me now, a side of him I hadn’t seen in a while, he spat through gritted teeth and tight lips, “I said I was sorry, Jameson! What do you want me to say?”
“Don’t you get it, Cole? It doesn’t fucking matter what you say to me. I’m done.” Running the back of my hand over my jaw, I knelt beside him, my breath on his face. “So do me a favor, don’t say you’re fucking sorry when we all know you don’t mean it.”
Cole stared at me, his breathing heavy, unable to formulate a response.
His voice broke like the glass beneath my feet. “And I am sorry. I never meant for any of this happen and I never wanted to bring Casten into this.”
“But it did happen didn’t it? And you did bring Casten into it.” He interrupted me again—apologizing once more—but I raised my voice. “Enough Cole. I’ve said it and I mean it. I’m done. I will never help you again. Ever. And you’re done here at JAR Racing.”
He nodded again, his face void of color, the consequences of his actions clear in his bloodshot eyes. “I know.”
I hated this. As much as I wanted to, I’d never be able to fix Cole’s problems. Ever. The more Alley and I tried to fix it, the worse it got. There was nothing left to say; at least, I didn’t feel there was. Turning, I faced Rager and Axel, who’d watched this all unfold.
“Make sure he leaves and turns in his key.”
Rager nodded, his hands buried in his pockets.
“Can I go by the hospital and check on him?” Cole asked.
I stopped but didn’t turn around. “Stay away from Casten. I don’t want you within a mile of him, Cole.”
I left the shop that afternoon and went straight to the hospital.
Sway, Emma, Alley, Hayden, and Gray all looked up at me with differing expressions.
Noticing me, Sway rushed up to me with tears in her eyes, her finger going straight for my chest. “I told you! I told you to stay out of it and let Spencer deal with it! But you wouldn’t listen. No, you knew best. Well, are you happy now?” She scowled at me, her eyes squinting and her tiny nose scrunching in anger. “Casten is somewhere in this hospital with God knows what injuries because your pride always wins out.”
She’s blaming me for this?
I knew I shouldn’t be surprised by this reaction. Casten was Sway’s baby and they always had a close relationship. Not knowing what his condition was, whether he was okay or not, was probably killing her. But how was she gonna blame me for this shit? I didn’t beat him up.
Unfortunately, she was right. Cole may have been the one to bring this on us, but I had to take responsibility for some of this shit too.
Sway repeatedly asked me to step aside and let Spencer and Alley deal with Cole but I wouldn’t listen. I was sure each time I bailed him out or sent him to rehab it would be the time I fixed the problem. But the truth was, all I did was enable him to continue to make the same mistakes over and over. I never held him responsible for what he was doing. Instead, I just decided I knew best and handled the situation as I saw fit. And now here we were and I fucking hated she was right.
After her outburst, Sway pushed away from me and took a seat next to Hayden and Gray. Hayden hadn’t said anything to me directly, but I could tell she shared Sway’s opinion. When she looked at me, I could see the fear in her eyes and anger.
I sat down next to Sway leaning over with my elbows resting on my thighs. All of a sudden I was exhausted. The adrenaline from my anger had subsided and the weight of what happened began to seep in.
When the doctor finally came in to talk to us, he explained Casten had been beaten with a bat and taken a blow to the head causing him to lose consciousness and have a slight concussion. His leg was broken in four places and would require surgery to insert pins to help stabilize the bones. And his arm was broken as well along with a few ribs. One of the broken ribs resulted in him
suffering a punctured lung. As if the leg wasn’t enough, a punctured lung was a season-ending injury in itself. He was going to need months of rehab to recover.
“We’ve moved him to a room up in the ICU and you can see him shortly,” the doctor told Hayden. “We’ll schedule surgery in a couple of days once the swelling has gone down.”
Hayden drew in a steady breath, her arm around Gray at her feet. “Thank you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief knowing he was going to be okay, but it still didn’t ease that gnawing sense of disappointment in myself that this happened.
HOURS LATER WHEN the girls went to the restaurant to get Casten barbecue because he refused to eat hospital food, I was able to talk to him alone. The room filled with anxiety. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen one of my children in a hospital bed. Over the years there had been more times than I cared to admit where I found myself sitting next to one of my kid’s hospital beds making sure they were okay. Usually it was after Axel or Casten wrecked on the track, or when Arie had given birth. This was different though. I couldn’t help but feel responsible for Casten being here and it was fucking killing me.
Casten slowly turned his head, wincing at the movement, and opened his eyes to stare at me. I stared back. It was obvious he was struggling to think clearly in spite of his condition, to find a way to make sense of it. As I searched for words, Casten did the same.
“Casten, I am so sorry that this happened.” I told him before he could say anything.
Casten’s expression turned to confusion as he reached for his water beside the bed. “This isn’t your fault, Dad. Why would you be sorry?”
Standing, I moved his table a little closer to his bed side and then took a seat again. “I made it possible for this to happen. Even after everyone told me to back off, I kept bailing Cole out. Giving him the opportunity to keep making the same mistakes over and over.”
Nodding, he knew what I was feeling was somewhat warranted. “Speaking of Cole, where is he? Is he okay?”
