by Shey Stahl
Rager groaned, tossing his head back. “Why the fuck did you let him have your purse?”
Willie was known to be slightly obsessed with taking dick pics. None of us understood why either. It was like he had to keep reminding himself he had one. If you asked Tommy or Dave, it was because he was divorced. They blamed everything on his divorce and he blamed them for actually causing it.
“What makes you think I have your phone?” Willie actually had the nerve to look hurt by the accusation. Never mind the fact he was wearing cutoff shorts and a tank top that read: The Man, which pointed to him, and The Legend, which pointed to his junk.
He stole it from Casten.
“Well let’s see, if memory serves me correctly, when we boarded the plane you had a hot dog in your hand. And now I have a hot dog in my purse. Doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.” Arie handed Bristol to Rager and then her bag as if she were preparing for a fight with Willie.
He stood, holding his hands up in defense when she cracked her neck. “Okay, so let’s say the hot dog you found in your purse is mine, and let’s also say maybe I borrowed your phone to take a picture of my dick to compare to said hot dog. How many pictures count as a bunch which would then lead to you shoving said hot dog up my ass?”
Arie appeared as if she was about to explode. Her face turned red, her shoulders tensed. “Damn it, Willie, you have your own phone. Why are you using mine to take pictures of your dick? And why are you measuring your dick to a hot dog?”
Rager, Casten, and Lane found this apparently hilarious and were practically falling over in their laughter.
“Well, my phone storage is full,” he explained, as if that would make perfect sense. “Apparently, I have reached my dick pic limit on it so I borrowed yours because the guy at the hot dog stand told me I was buying a foot long, but I had my doubts.”
“You know what, forget it. I don’t want to hear anything else that comes out of your mouth right now. Keep the damn phone.” She turned around to face Rager, who now had tears in his eyes. “There is no way I’m touching anything that was near your disgusting dick.” She slapped Rager on the shoulder. “And stop your damn laughing.”
“Okay, now you’re just being rude,” Willie noted, placing his hands on his hips as if that of all things offended him finally. “There is nothing disgusting about my dick.”
Arie turned, refusing to acknowledge anything else he said, walking away.
Willie watched her, a smile creeping over his lips. “Hey, Arie, can I get my hot dog back?”
She flipped him off and threw the hotdog inside the men’s bathroom she passed by.
An hour later they finally found everyone’s luggage. Well almost everyone. Tommy’s luggage was still lost which I found amusing because Tommy’s luggage consisted of a cooler with wheels that he duck taped shut and used as a suitcase. You’d think that would stand out. Which it probably had. They more than likely thought it was some kind of bomb. Until they opened it.
The airline assured us as soon as they found Tommy’s cooler/suitcase, they would send it to our house, so we headed outside to the rental cars.
THE MADNESS CERTAINLY didn’t stop once we were at the house we rented. In fact, I think it got worse. Mostly because the guys raced there and two of the six rental cars needed new tires.
Once we were at the rental house and settled the sleeping arrangements, Alley, Hayden, Rosa, Arie and I headed to the store to stock up on groceries and lots of alcohol.
I loved the thought of us all being together, but I was also realistic enough to know if this vacation was going to work, we needed alcohol and lots of it. And as far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with being drunk most of the day.
As we gathered up snacks for outside by the pool, Rosa came into the kitchen holding Hudson out to Rager who took him from her. She had offered to change his diaper because no else wanted to. And I was pretty sure she found out why no one wanted to.
“Why are you making that face?” Rager asked, smiling at Rosa. He knew exactly what happened.
“I was changing his diaper and he peed in my mouth!” Rosa gagged, reaching for a towel on the counter and glaring at Hudson who was staring at her like, what the fuck is your problem, lady. It was the look he gave pretty much everyone.
Holding Hudson away from her, Rager bumped Rosa’s shoulder with his own, winking at her. “Let’s face it, Rosa. That’s not the first time that’s happened to you.”
Rosa gawked at him, just for a second and then shrugged. “No, it wasn’t.”
After putting away all of the groceries and stocking the refrigerators, we decided we should reward ourselves with some margaritas on the deck. Rosa was definitely for that plan. She needed to wash her mouth out.
Once outside, the guys were out there attempting to push each other into the pool. They looked like a bunch of kindergarteners shoving each other on the playground, but it was amusing to watch.
Lily and Axel were teaching Savannah how to swim. Brody and Lexi were even here for a couple days. Nowhere close to Spencer, but here. I found it a bit sad Cole couldn’t make it, but I heard he was at least doing better these days.
“Papa!” Pace screeched when Jameson picked him up over his head, his tiny three-year-old body flailing around. “No swim!”
And of course Jameson threw him in the water. He was that guy, the one all the kids feared around the pool because he thought everyone should get in the water.
Pace was about the cutest kid I’d ever seen. I love all my children and grandchildren but Pace was the cutest. Maybe it was the olive skin, thick wavy black hair and blue eyes, but he just had everyone wrapped around his finger.
When Pace popped up out of the water, his bright eyes reflecting off the water as he glared at his grandpa. Pushing his hair out of his eyes, he swam away from Jameson toward the stairs and then sat there with his arms crossed over his chest. “No fair!”
Jameson looked back at me and smiled. “Guess he didn’t want to swim.”
I couldn’t help but smile. This was what I was hoping for. All of us gathered together just enjoying each other’s company.
That was until Rosa asked, staring at her phone, “What’s a sexy way to say suck your balls?”
Arie gawked at her, practically spitting out her drink and sat forward in the lounge chair. “Rosa! Gross!”
“What? You can’t tell me you haven’t sucked on the bad boy’s balls, Arie.” Rosa stirred her drink with her finger and set her phone down. “Don’t be so prudish. You forgot, I heard you two making Hudson.”
That shut Arie up.
Rosa leaned forward, her hands resting on her thighs. “No, seriously, how would you say suck your balls, but in a sexy way?”
All the girls stared at one another waiting for someone to say something. Only we couldn’t because none of us could think of a sexy way to say it. Believe it or not, I hadn’t said “suck your balls” to Jameson. Sure, I’d had them in my mouth a time or two, who wouldn’t… but to actually say it seemed weird. But this was also Rosa we were talking about.
Finally Hayden speaks up. “How about suckle your frenulum?”
“Suckle your frenulum?” Contemplatively, Rosa tapped her index finger to her chin. “That’s not balls?”
“No.” Hayden brought her margarita to her lips, shrugging. “But it’s all connected so I think it would get the point across.”
“You’re right. I’m gonna go over there and tell Tommy I’m going to suckle his frenulum tonight.”
I wish I could blame the conversation on our being drunk but this was just how we were.
Hayden watched her get up and walk over to them, say what she needed and then she returned, strutting confidently back, seeming satisfied with herself as Jameson shook his head, having heard what she told Tommy.
“How’d it go?” Hayden asked when she sat back down.
Straightening out her dress like she was suddenly a lady, Rosa crossed her legs. “Very well, actual
ly, but I think Jay thought I was telling him that, so it got awkward really quickly.”
Hours later, nobody had moved. The only people who seemed to have any energy after the long flight were the kids playing in the pool.
Eventually I had moved to Jameson’s lap as he sat in the lounge chair with me, a beer in one hand, the other on my thigh as Zac Brown blared through the air.
Beside us, Casten and Hayden did rock, paper, scissors to see who got to get shitfaced between them.
Hayden won, which was why she was now standing on top of the table doing what she interpreted to be a hula dance yelling, “Don Ho is dead! I’m the head ho now!”
Whatever that meant.
Casten stood close to her in case he needed to catch her, but while he waited for the inevitable fall, he was laughing his ass off recording the whole thing. Those two were meant for each other. Looking at them, you’d think they were two carefree kids, not parents of three children under eight.
“If you die with an erection, does it stay that way?” Tommy asked Jameson, catching both of our attention.
I turned to Jameson, curious his thoughts on the subject. I never thought about it but as drunk as I was, it seemed like a reasonable question.
Jameson contemplated that for a moment and stared with a sense of seriousness at Tommy. “I suppose if you’re Edward Cullen you do.”
Emma arrived with another round of margaritas and handed me one and then stared at Jameson’s chest and stomach.
“What are you looking at?” he barked, reaching for a margarita.
“You just….” Her voice trailed off and that only pissed her brother off more.
“What, Emma?”
“You’re muscular.”
He raised an eyebrow, a smile forming now as he flexed his stomach. “Oh please. I’ve always been this way.”
“I know, but you’re old now. I thought gravity would catch up with you.”
“Well, it didn’t.” Jameson seemed pleased by this and stared at me. “See… even she says I look good.” And then his voice took on a seductive tone. “Why don’t you come upstairs and show me some love.”
“Nah… I really want to try surfing with the boys.” I gestured to the beach where Rager had the younger boys out there teaching them how to surf.
He groaned and watched Jacen, Sawyer, and Jonah wading in the water. “Why do we always have to plan activities? Why can’t we just go on vacation and I don’t know, relax, have sex and eat good food?”
I ignored his comments all together and asked, “Do you remember Tour Guide Ted?”
“Is he here?” Jameson looked panicked, his eyes darting around the beach. “If so, we’re leaving!”
“That was Costa Rica. We’re in Hawaii.”
“So what? He could have been deported.”
I stared at him blankly only to have him roll his eyes. “Shut up.”
THE NEXT DAY, everyone hit the beach after breakfast. The nice thing about the house was the private beach so we didn’t have to worry about anyone offending the locals. This was by design, believe me. Been there, made that mistake before.
That was a blessing considering Tommy’s bags still hadn’t arrived. Tommy, being the problem solver he was, came down to the beach with a towel wearing one of Rosa’s bikini bottoms.
Not okay. I didn’t care what he thought; it didn’t look like he was wearing a speedo. There were bits and pieces falling out of all ends.
“My eyes burn,” I told Jameson, covering them.
He chuckled. “I’ve seen him naked a lot over the years. I’m blind to it.”
Thankfully, Tommy lay down on his towel and passed out still drunk from the previous night so I didn’t have to watch him run down the beach or anything.
“We gotta get him some clothes,” Jameson noted, slinging his towel over his shoulder and looking the other direction.
“Agreed,” Arie grumbled, hauling two of her four kids behind her, their tiny feet moving quickly to keep up with her as they giggled.
The kids were having a great time playing in the sand and splashing in the water. It seemed like everyone was enjoying themselves and I was so grateful that we were able to have this, again, I couldn’t help the emotion surfacing. Or maybe it was that the day we arrived in paradise, shark week started and I was flooded with all those girly emotions that came with that week.
Jameson noticed my tears. “Hey, you all right?”
Turning, I faced him and then buried my head against his chest. “Yes. Thank you for agreeing on this vacation.”
Reaching up, he rubbed my back and then stopped immediately when he noticed I had tanning lotion on. God forbid he get it on his hands, right? Right. “If you’re having such a good time, why are you crying?”
I avoided his stare. “I’m not crying I’m just… look at everyone.” I motioned around with a wave of my hand. “They’re so happy.”
He lifted his chin in a nod. “What about you, are you happy?” I couldn’t miss the curiosity in his tone when he looked me in the eyes.
“Of course I am.”
“Does that mean we can go back to the room and have sex?”
“No.”
“Damn it. Fine. I’m going surfing.”
“There’re sharks in the water,” I pointed out, waiting by the towel I had laid out in the white warm sand next to me.
Jameson turned immediately and sat next to me. “Good point.”
BY THREE, EVERYONE was starting to get cranky and hungry so we headed back up to the house.
Nancy had volunteered to stay back with the babies so they could take their afternoon naps while we enjoyed the beach. We found her on the deck reading, with the baby monitor set up next to her.
“Hey.” She smiled, noticing us all. “Did everyone enjoy the beach?”
Jameson kissed her on the cheek. “Yeah, it’s beautiful. You need to go down there and check it out. But not with Bill. Unless you plan on pushing him in.” He flopped down in the chair next to her, working on the label of the beer in his hand. “Why did he come here anyway? He’s not family.”
Nancy and I both shook our heads at him and his reasoning for anything related to Bill, Nancy’s friend. “Well, neither is Rosa, Tommy, and Willie, yet they’re here.”
Jameson rolled his eyes, uninterested in anything else besides trying to find a way to off Bill. “Whatever.”
Tommy walked up still looking like shit. “Why did you guys let me fall asleep? You know how sensitive my skin is. Fuck.” He cringed, moving gently onto the deck. “Now I’m gonna be all red.”
“We let you sleep because the alternative was you walking around in that banana hammock,” I told him, handing him another towel and hoping like hell he covered up his junk. “Nobody wants to see that shit.”
Spencer sat down next to his mom and Jameson. The look on his face told me he was up to no good. “Hey, Tommy. Did you enjoy your nap?”
Nancy giggled when Tommy turned around and she saw his back. “I see Spencer still has his drawing skills.” And then she tipped her head to the side. “What’s the top part? It looks like a waterfall coming out of the top.” And then the realization hit her and her cheeks turned about as red as Tommy’s back. “Oh. Spencer,” she scolded. “That’s gross.”
“No. I did not enjoy my nap.” Tommy clipped, trying to see his back. “Now I’m gonna peel. Stupid fucking beach.”
When he turned and we saw what Nancy was referring to, we finally understood the look on Spencer’s face.
Spencer once drew a floor-to-ceiling dick on a hotel wall. He repeated this art on Tommy’s back with sunscreen, only he made it look like there was cum spurting out of it.
Spencer sat back in chair, puffed out his chest a little with pride and smiled before tucking his hands behind his head. “It’s a work of art my friends. It’s amazing what you can do with a little sunscreen and a lot of time.”
Tommy disappeared into the house to see what his back looked like as Rager glance
d at him, and then did a double take of his back and burst out laughing.
Casten took a handful of raisins, chewing slowly. “They taste like chocolate.”
Hayden smiled and set Ryder on the floor. He took off outside to the pool where Jameson was throwing kids in. “Ryder likes chocolate covered raisins, but not the raisins.”
It took Casten a minute before he understood what that meant. And then he spat them back in the bowl, pushing it to the middle of the table.
Tommy came inside in only his underwear. Apparently, Hawaiian weather was too much for him. I was thankful they were at least black underwear this time.
“I’m starving,” he announced, scratching his balls. It made it worse he worse that he wore white underwear. “I thought we were going to a Luau or something.”
“For the love of Christ I hope they find his bag soon,” Hayden whispered to me and then smiled at Tommy. “Have some raisins.” She handed him the bowl.
“Thanks.” Wrapping his arm around her, he popped a handful in his mouth. “I knew you’d like me eventually.”
She eyed him offensively, and then stared at her foot, the one bitten by a snake seven some years ago. “Yeah, sure.”
When she left, Tommy leaned into my side. “She spit on these, didn’t she?”
“What do you think?”
His head hung. “I think she did.”
“IS THAT A dick on his back?” Brody leaned forward watching Tommy take a seat next to Jameson, his shirt off because he said even the slightest fabric against his skin hurt. He was asked twice to put on a shirt because of his dick sunscreen drawing. Both times he spat on the people who asked, like he was a fucking camel or something. It’d be a miracle if he wasn’t arrested within the hour.
“Yep.” Spencer goaded with pride.
“Well, fuck my ass.”
Jameson, Spencer and I stared at Brody. For being such a talented driver in NASCAR, he said some really stupid shit sometimes. Spencer shook his head like he was disgusted with his son-in-law. He probably was.
“I wouldn’t say that too loud around here.” Willie hushed Brody when a group of men walked by.
