by Elton, Ben
CHIEF: It’s an attitude I can only admire Philip. (jolly, a bit laddish) Well as the saying goes, faint heart never got serviced in a variety of interesting positions and locations so I suggest you stop lolling about, pull on your shreddies and get courting.
PHILIP: Reading you Chief.
(He gets up, the steam has cleared. He begins to dress, perhaps there is a small chest-high screen, or little block of lockers to do it behind, or else he just does it under a towel.)
CHIEF: So what’s your first move, eh? Get her alone in the conservatory and slip her a box of choccies with an antique French dildo nestling in the second layer?
PHILIP: If only.
CHIEF: Too subtle you think?
PHILIP: Oh no it’s not that, it’s just that ... well to tell you the truth I’m not awfully good when it comes to talking to totty. Oh I’m all right with business but when it comes to anything remotely gropey, I’m a clam. I took Kirsten to dinner only last week, and we talked about nothing but sucking and blowing all evening ... Ended up discussing the staff, she nearly managed to poach Sandy off me, clever bitch ... I just could not bring myself to nudge the situation onto more intimate lines.
CHIEF: Like so many great men before you, a daunting figure of power and confidence in battle, but a gawking, shuffling boy in matters fruity eh?
PHILIP: That’s me Chief. It’s a hell of a handicap when you’re trying to unload your cherry, I can tell you Sir. I got so tongue-tied on any subject but work that she actually mentioned it. Said I was hopeless at small talk, said any girl interested in me would probably have to pitch in and damn well ask me herself.
CHIEF: Well whatever the situation is vis à vis cherry disposal Philip, you mustn’t let it distract you from the main task, and that is the continued success of Suck and Blow (again he slaps the machine). We must be very careful, we’re in danger of becoming victims of that very success. The Japanese are already in. It hasn’t taken those clever fellows long to strip down a sucker and wrest from it its secret.
PHILIP (bitterly): And as far as Mr Suzuki-Mitsubushi-the-war-was-nothing-to-do-with-me-squire is concerned we can stuff our patents-pending right up our polite English bum holes. These people just don’t play fair Chief. Look at what they did to the British motor industry! Deliberately and maliciously destroying it by making better cars. They have a four and a half million letter alphabet and they still can’t spell the word ‘decency’.
CHIEF: Well you started this Philip, it is your job to keep us ahead. I’m giving you full responsibility, I want you to live, sleep and breathe ‘air’.
PHILIP: It will be the deepest of privileges Chief. After all, Suck and Blow isn’t just about money. Hell, let the Japs have a piece. We are building the future here, making a better, healthier, cleaner world for our children ...
CHIEF: Children eh? I must say this clever little lady with the attractive cul-de-sac certainly seems to have made an impression.
PHILIP: Well I don’t know Chief, call me a total drip if you like but things just seem to be so bloody right at the moment; major career upswing, beautiful girl...... As long as I can sort out the old nerves and slip her an offer that is.
CHIEF: You will lad, you will, you can’t help being sensitive. Now have you got my briefs?
PHILIP: No question Chief: live, sleep and breathe air. I’m with you.
CHIEF: No, I meant have you got my briefs? These aren’t mine, (pair of pants) they’ve got a cartoon representation of a maggot emerging from an apple on the front, and the words ‘girl bait’.
PHILIP: What! good lord, sorry Chief, wasn’t thinking, sorry. (he is dressed, checks in his trousers) Silly Christmas present, keep meaning to chuck them ...
CHIEF: Philip, believe me, you’re the top coming man, but I don’t think you’re quite ready to move into my underpants yet, eh?
PHILIP: God forbid Chief.
CHIEF: I don’t need his help, I give my own orders. You’ve got yours, now give me my skidders, bung on your own, get out there and turn the whole nation into suckers.
SCENE SIX
KIRSTEN’s office. New story boards and stuff.
There is a large shiny Suck and Blow in corner.
PHILIP: I don’t believe this Kirsten, why it’s not two months since the Chief told me to live, sleep and breathe air! There can’t be a problem!
KIRSTEN: Philip I don’t care what Sir Chiffley said, I’m telling you, the first surge is over. With the Japs and the Yanks in, competition is getting more intense and demand is falling. We have definitely got a glitch in the gusset.
PHILIP: Hell, bugger.
KIRSTEN: I’ve got figures to pitch at you that will be harder to swallow than an Aeroflot breakfast.
PHILIP (into portable phone): Hold all calls.
KIRSTEN: Sales-wise, my research teams are predicting downswing.
PHILIP: Downswing or Plummet swing?
KIRSTEN: The household and domestic market is dead set to dump faster than an Italian-made kite.
PHILIP: Are you saying that there is a problem with the boom product of the decade?
KIRSTEN: Problem is not a word I like Phil, me and the word ‘problem’ do not get along. If the word ‘problem’ were to take me out for the evening I’d be home by nine-thirty and curled up with a good book five minutes later.
PHILIP: Well quite.
KIRSTEN: Nonetheless, production is definitely too high for the current market to absorb. Lockheart have shifted three million units in the UK alone, never mind Sony, Westinghouse, K-Tel. Even the Sinclair model is selling and that pumps nitrogen ... look at this ...
(An enormously thick newspaper of seven or eight inches.)
PHILIP: A copy of last week’s Sunday Times. Superb article on arms smuggling, terrific graphic of a huge arrow with a gun drawn on it, going from Iraq to a Semtex factory in Czechoslovakia, made it all so clear ...
KIRSTEN (taking a thin section from the huge paper): Take a look at Section 27, part 4, the ‘Lifestyle’ pull-out is devoted entirely to the second-hand Suck and Blowers. The domestic market is saturated, we need to target much more specifically, there are a thousand areas in which people could be persuaded to expect private air. Doctors’ waiting rooms, bus stations, theatres, factories.
PHILIP: So you think with the right marketing you can de-glitch the gusset?
KIRSTEN: With the right marketing you can do anything you want Philip. If we handle this glitch properly, before we know it Lockheart will make you President of the whole air division ... but it needs the right marketing. (tiny hint of sauciness) And of course with the right marketing ... girl.
PHILIP (suddenly nervous): ... Well, we’ve ... uhm, I mean I’ve or rather we’ve, I’ve, certainly got that Kirsten. I don’t know what Suck and Blow would have done without you.
KIRSTEN: Or me without it. You know Philip, this campaign has been pretty exciting for me ... in more ways than one.
PHILIP (tongue-tied): So. (his voice breaks into squeak) How’s ... I’m sorry, (deep voice) how’s that Kirsten?
KIRSTEN (a bit sexily): We-ell, let’s just put it this way ... That there’s a certain horny chick from Creative Marketing (touches him teasingly) who’s been working pretty closely with a certain hot guy from Lockheart ... And this certain horny chick reckons this certain hot guy is sort of special, OK? You know, a real tasty geezer! Are you with me Phil?
(More flirty touching.)
PHILIP: Ah, hmm, yes, uhm ...
KIRSTEN: What’s more I’ve got a kind of girly suspicion that with the right persuasion he’d rut like a charging elephant and could find a G-spot blindfold with his hands tied behind his back.
PHILIP (very embarrassed): Coo, Harry hot in here isn’t it? I’ll just open a window shall I?
KIRSTEN: Now don’t change the subject ... anyway, better not, the air’s been sucked a bit thin out there today ... (crosses to him) But what I want to know, Philip, is do you think I’m right about this hot hunky guy ... ? After all ... (tou
ches him again) you know him much better than I do.
PHILIP: Well I ... hmmm, yes, elephant you say? God, I don’t know ... perhaps (hurriedly packing briefcase) ... Look, hell Kirsten I’ve really got to charge, I mean rut, I mean run! Meetings to orgasm, I mean organize. People to sex, see! ... Anyway, right, bye!
KIRSTEN: You won’t forget what I’ve said will you Philip?
PHILIP: Twelve types of no way, I mean, no way for sure!
(Blackout. In the darkness we hear PHILIP cry out in frustration.)
PHILIP: Oh Barry Bollocks!!!
(During the continued blackout we hear the voice of a theatre announcer.)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, before we continue with tonight’s performance you may like to know that before our next production, which will be Andrew Lloyd Webber’s new musical Aspects of Mussolini, this theatre will be fitted with Suck and Blow machinery throughout so that all our patrons may enjoy the safety and the quality of one hundred per cent filtered private air. Thank you for your attention.
SCENE SEVEN
SANDY is walking across stage, with briefcase and portable phone, doing business in the street.
SANDY: Hallo Gary? Yeah we won the case, Philip is going to sodding ejaculate! ... Yeah the judge ruled parents have the right to switch their kids’ schools on air cleanliness grounds, the implications are enormous ... I really think it’s time we started pressing the Home Office on prisons, I mean quite apart from the humanitarian arguments, with minor adjustments it could be a superb way of inputting tear gas ... (a ringing) Oh bugger, hang on Gary ... (produces a second phone) Yo Tony! Just talking to Gary ... (into first phone) Gary, it’s Tony ... (back to second phone) Tony, can you hold ... (back to first phone) Yo Gary, I’m back ... (another ringing) Bugger! Hang on Gary ... (into second phone) Hang on Tony ... (produces a third phone) Speaking ... Great Jurgen, guten Tag ... (first phone) Gaz, its Jurgen ... (second phone) Tone, it’s Jurgen (third phone) ... Listen Jurgen, I’m just speaking to Gary and Tony ... (another ringing) Bollocks ... (first phone) Hang on Gaz ... (second phone) Hang on Tone ... (third phone) Eine Minute Jurgo ... (answers fourth phone) Yo ... Geoff thanks for getting back ... (first phone) Gaz, it’s Geoff ... (second phone) Tone, it’s Geoff ... (third phone) Jurgo, its Geoff ... (fourth phone) Listen Geoff, you’ll have to hold, I’m just talking to Gaz, Tony and Jurgen ... (another ringing) Heigh ho. (first phone) Gaz, I’m pulling in a lot of favours here but I’m going to need two ticks’ worth of breathing space ... (second phone) Tone, it’s got to be a peco-sec minimum ... (third phone) Achtung Jurgo, look it’s a totally Donner und Blitzen Situation over here, I feel like an utter Schweinhund but you’ll have to hold ... (fourth phone) Geoff, I’ve got LA in one ear, Frankfurt in another and the Space Shuttle in a third, be right back ... (he produces fifth phone either from under a hat or straight out of the Khyber Pass) Phil ! Yeah we won ! The anti-air lobby got a serious case of brewer’s droop ... Phil, give me an eighth of a tick ... (first phone) Listen Gaz, talk to Tone (he holds both phones together in one hand ... third phone) Jurgo? sprechen Sie mit Geoff will you? (two phones together in other hand ... fifth phone is now between knees) Phil? (with briefcase under arm he begins to bunny-hop off whilst talking into fifth phone) Yeah, you have to believe it Phil, their dicks were pointing south ...
(A sixth ringing as lights go. This time the ringing is very loud to cover him hopping off)
SCENE EIGHT
Lights straight up again. The boardroom. CHIEF, PHILIP, SANDY. There is champagne as in the first scene. The phone continues to ring from end of previous scene. SANDY is demonstrating.
CHIEF (interrupting SANDY, picks up phone): Not now Miss Hodges.
SANDY: So as you can see Chief, I’m very excited; what I’m barely suppressing here is blue chip, gilt-edged excitement ... since Philip and Kirsty bashed out their deep penetration policy ...
PHILIP (distracted): If only ...
SANDY: Sorry?
PHILIP: Nothing.
SANDY: In the incredibly short time since then, private air has become the bottom line for just about any enclosed space in the country. Sales are soaring steeper than an up bound 747 scraper-hopping out of Hong Kong.
CHIEF: Yes, and I think perhaps a small celebration is in order ... (crossing to drinks trolley) Gentlemen, allow me to propose a toast ... a toast to Philip, the first President of the entire Lockheart Air Division.
SANDY (surprised): Hells bells! Senior career upswing! Well done Philip!
PHILIP (surprised but a little preoccupied): President ... ! Chief I had no idea ... I don’t know what to say.
CHIEF: You seem a trifle underwhelmed my boy.
PHILIP: Oh no way Chief, I mean absolutely thirty-seven types of no way Chief!
CHIEF: Philip, I am Sir Chiffley Lockheart. I have more money than God and I am not a fool, please don’t treat me as one. What’s on your mind?
PHILIP (slightly taken aback): Well I ...
CHIEF: Come on, out with it, nobody loves a shillier, no more do they a shallier, let us have your thoughts .
PHILIP (after a moment’s hesitation): Chief, nobody wants to poop on the parade but I pride myself on being a realist, I like to think I give better realism than an omnibus edition of EastEnders. Well this is where I get real. Chief, the party’s over.
SANDY (shocked): What!
CHIEF: You surprise me Philip.
PHILIP: What can I tell you? I am hoovering up stale crisps and trying to get red wine stains out of the shag pile. The party is definitely on its last legs. I don’t like it, my people don’t like it, but there you are. The problem is Sir that the machines store too much. People are strange fish, the capacity exists so they fill it ... they are stockpiling oxygen.
(PHILIP hands out reports.)
CHIEF: I’m aware of that development Philip, kindly explain the problem. It’s not as if the world is short of oxygen, we’d need literally billions of machines to noticeably affect the make up of the atmosphere.
PHILIP: Oh absolutely Sir, in broad terms there is clearly no problem ... locally however, the story can be somewhat different. As you are aware Sir, when the machines suck in oxygen they create an equal and opposite amount of carbon compounds, hence there is no pressure drop.
SANDY: Which has been considered essential right from the very beginning, no unseasonal winds are created, the weather remains unaffected.
PHILIP: Hmm yes, unfortunately until a natural wind blows ... within the localized environment, where mass sucking is taking place, there can develop a bit of a shortfall on breathing material ... not for very long, but well, ‘not very long’ is actually quite a while in respiratory terms ... It’s suddenly all got rather serious, in some areas brief periods have arisen where strolling for a bus has been a similar experience to climbing Mount Everest.
SANDY (looking at report): Unfortunately, without the accompanying exhilaration, sense of personal achievement and potential to capitalize on your name through commercial sponsorship.
CHIEF: I see.
PHILIP: We are beginning to be looking at a potential scenario where grannies could start keeling over in the streets.
SANDY: Chief I have to tell you, that sort of development could be a public relations nightmare.
PHILIP: The same thing’s happening abroad. There’s a lot of wild talk about ‘massively prohibitive licence fees, possibly even a blanket ban. I very much fear that Suck and Blow is spiralling into Dodo mode.
CHIEF: I see. You’re clearly rather depressed about this Philip. What about you Sandy, are you as depressed as Philip?
SANDY: If anything I’m slightly more depressed.
CHIEF: Hmm, I feel terrific.
SANDY (tiny pause): I must say I’m perking up.
CHIEF: It seems to me gentlemen, that what we are doing here is forgetting the Moon landings.
PHILIP (mystified): Ahhhm, yes Chief, you’re right, I did leave the Moon landings out of this particular equation ... was that terr
ibly wrong of me?
CHIEF: The Moon landings were a financial disaster of horrendous proportions. Twenty billion dollars to achieve two small bags of dust; so much had been hoped of them; so little achieved; it would have been better if they had never even bothered. Until that is, somebody noticed the Velcro.
PHILIP: Velcro, Chief?
CHIEF: Millions of nylon hooks and eyes on fabric strips.
PHILIP: Uhm yes, I know what it is, but ...?
