by Elton, Ben
PHILIP: I admire your strength of commitment Chief. It would be so easy to make the obvious equation ... People are suffocating: so burning oxygen is wrong. But you look further, you see the practical necessities of modern finance.
CHIEF: Somebody has to do it Philip. Anyway, there is actually a very real upside to our present burning programme.
PHILIP: There is?
CHIEF: Oh absolutely, now there’s so little oxygen in the exterior atmosphere obviously it’s not possible to burn anything ...
PHILIP: Yeah, they’ve just disbanded Britain’s last fire brigade.
KIRSTEN: I got some super nostalgia spreads in the tabloids ...
CHIEF: So we’ve been able to do a rather decent little deal with the EEC agricultural cartel selling them our oxygen to burn their crops with. Now that’s the sort of sound economics and good husbandry that keeps the world turning.
PHILIP (still at window): So there’s food besides air in these fires?
SANDY: Damn right there is, how else do you think agri-business is to maintain a fair price for its product?
PHILIP (thoughtfully): The works of man upon earth eh? They have an awesome and majestic beauty.
CHIEF (joining him at the glowing windows, arm on shoulder): God created nature Philip, and man tamed it.
PHILIP: One hell of a partnership.
CHIEF: Yes but we haven’t completely tamed the old fellow yet you know, he’s still got a few tricks up his sleeve.
PHILIP: God?
CHIEF: Clever old sod. (with test tube) Just take a look at this Philip ... it’s green chlorophyll, the greatest enemy of the Oxygen Industry. This little natural vandal could, in time, destroy us and the jobs and revenue that we create.
PHILIP: Bugger me backwards Chief, it hardly seems possible: it’s so small, so insignificant.
CHIEF: Well this isn’t all of it Philip, obviously.
PHILIP: Isn’t it? Oh I see, yes of course not Chief.
CHIEF: But there’s a dollop of this in every leaf. In this. (fingers the potted plants) And in this. Every bit of green is packed with the stuff, and every day, whenever the sun shines, it whittles away, undermining the very basis of our great industry, threatening to cancel out the carefully regulated stocks upon which the gulp price is calculated.
PHILIP: But this must be quite awesomely worrying for you Chief.
CHIEF: It is Philip. Jemina. Mopsy. Janet over there. They’re not just old friends any more. They are business competitors. Now think of our motor industry, well what would happen to it if nature started growing cars?
PHILIP: It would be knackered Chief.
CHIEF: Exactly, the situation has simply got to be regulated or else it will become impossible to set a price or manage. the industry. It is possible to chemically manufacture oxygen, I see no reason to allow nature to do it ...
SANDY: We have a global defoliation programme all geared up and ready to go. We’ve tested the chemicals on over a million beagles, and the last 100,000 or so survived more or less intact, so that should shut up the environmentalists.
KIRSTEN: I’ve been working on the trade justification campaign for weeks.
CHIEF: Obviously we can’t do it alone, it will take world co-operation, but if the oil and motor industries can conspire against the cheap clean electric car in order to protect their expensive, dirty product, and the light bulb industry can sit on the everlasting bulb ...
PHILIP: Painful.
CHIEF: ... I see no reason why we shouldn’t clear up this chlorophyll pest ... (snips the head off JANET) Tscch. Business is business ...
PHILIP: Chief, sorry to interrupt you when you’re on a roll, but I think it’s time I cut right through the bull’s doodoo. Forget green chlorophyll, forget burning food mountains, we’ve got problems so huge you couldn’t fit them into an elephant’s trousers. Now I have an idea Chief, it’s one I’ve been a-mulling for quite a time span. Interested?
CHIEF (alert and interested): Philip, it’s a fool who thinks he’s nothing left to learn ... A fellow might wake up one morning thinking he’s seen everything, and then he accidentally squats over a mirror and surprises himself. What’s on your mind?
PHILIP: Well before I switch to explanation mode Chief, there’s a degree of corporate restructuring that I’d like to implement in my capacity as President of the air division.
CHIEF: Carry on Philip.
PHILIP (with his back to KIRSTEN, perhaps taking an offhand interest in some portfolio): Uhm yes, it appears that while I was away, we seem to have taken some rather expensive media wallahs onto the staff. I’m thinking particularly of the uhm ... (checks document) ah yes, the Kirsten girl from Image Control ...
KIRSTEN: Philip!
PHILIP: Chief I’m looking at shrinking demand, I’m looking at shrinking profit, this is a time for retrenchment not reckless expansion so I’m afraid we’re going to have to let her go ... (turning round) Kirsten, you’re sacked.
KIRSTEN: Philip, I don’t believe this, if this is just petty jealousy ...!
PHILIP: Look, I don’t have time for histrionics, lovey. Sir Chiffley and I have an entire air industry to turn round and frankly pretty adverts just ain’t going to get the job done. Your desk has been cleared, the magnetic on your security laminate has already been wiped. You’re out OK?
KIRSTEN: I don’t deserve this Philip ...
CHIEF: Harsh stuff Philip, I can’t help feeling ...
PHILIP: Chief, this is my Pot Noodle, I started it, I’m President of it and by buggery I’m going to build my team, with the people I want. Now if you have a problem with that Chief then fine, but there is no way I am telling you my brilliant new idea while that woman is in this room.
CHIEF: There’s a new vigour to your staff relations Philip, I like it. (to KIRSTEN) Goodbye, we’re all terrible sorry to see you go.
KIRSTEN: Sandy, say something!
PHILIP: Yes come on Sandy, say something. Which is it to be, the totty or the company? Don’t dither.
SANDY: Uhm ... I ... well ...
PHILIP: Chief that’s the kind of dither span that could lose us upwards of a trillion yen on the floor in Tokyo. Get out Sandy, we’ll discuss it later. Get out both of you, if I’m going to pull the Chief’s irons out of the fire I don’t need dead wood adding to the flames ... (KIRSTEN is at the door) Kirsten, I want you to remember this.
(KIRSTEN turns and looks, then turns on her heel and exits. SANDY makes a mute appeal to the CHIEF, he shrugs and nods towards the door.)
CHIEF (as they leave): Quite a scene Philip. I hope your ideas justify the preamble.
PHILIP: Hope trade’s pretty light on the international markets Chief, I sell certainties ... I’ve been looking at the whole downside on the Private Air initiative and I reckon I’ve come up with my best idea yet. I’m very excited, so excited in fact that I haven’t even told my people, I’ve brought the whole caboodle straight to the top. This is very much a between ourselves initiative Sir, we can take no risks of interference.
CHIEF: Now this really is exciting ... (back to desk, brisk and excited, he hits buttons) Full security if you’d be so kind Miss Hodges, I believe we have a potential Pot Noodle in the building ... (more buttons and the same security measures as in first act happen, great metal screens on windows and doors etc.... of course the flaming flickering and ‘crumps’ from outside are now shut out, lights as normal) All right Philip, we have maximum security, and you have my maximum attention.
PHILIP: OK Chief, as you know I’ve been pondering the world implications of our colossal Pot Noodle ever since the first pensioner turned purple?
CHIEF: Absolutely, and it does you credit Philip, it’s essential to keep your eye on what I believe is currently called the downside.
PHILIP: Always watch the ground, what profiteth it a man to look to the top of the mountain if he’s got dog do on his shoes. Anyway ... for quite a while I was able to rationalize the major human-suffering downside of our industry ... I accepted that so
me have more air than others, that profits have to be made ... But I can’t deny that I rather stuck on the mass suffocation bit.
CHIEF: But Philip, you’ve always been perfectly happy to live in a world that countenances mass starvation ... mass homelessness ...
PHILIP: Granted Chief, senior good point. It’s just whereas you saw the example of food and shelter as justifying our air activities ... I’ve rather come to see the air example as telling us something about food and shelter.
CHIEF: Rather tortured logic if I might say so Philip. In fact I’m not altogether sure I follow it ... Have you got an idea or haven’t you?
PHILIP (excited): Definitely Chief, no seriously, it’s a whopper, a real whale’s love weapon ... Let me take you through its base line development.
CHIEF: I would be delighted.
PHILIP: Well, I was looking at the suffering, the recession, the poverty, the suffocation that I had been a large part of causing ... and I had this huge idea ...
CHIEF: Yes!
PHILIP: I thought, ‘I know, I’ll kill myself.’
CHIEF: By which you mean?
PHILIP: Kill myself.
CHIEF (after pause): ... So it’s not a metaphor? You actually mean, kill yourself, that’s your idea?
PHILIP: Yes.
CHIEF: But for God’s sake Philip, what are you saying? How can you blame yourself my boy, it was just good business, that’s all, you’re being stupid, foolish ...
PHILIP: Well yes, I must admit that after a bit that’s what I thought as well Chief.
CHIEF: I’m extremely pleased to hear it.
PHILIP: So I thought it would be better to kill you.
CHIEF: What!
PHILIP: But then I thought, Come on Phil, this is a brainstorming ideas session, let’s apply some Larry logic ... no point in killing the Chief, I thought, that would be absurd ...
CHIEF: Good, excellent thought.
PHILIP: He’s just one of many ...
CHIEF: Well quite.
PHILIP: I should kill them all ...
CHIEF: Now look Philip please, for goodness sake...!
PHILIP: No hang on Chief, let me stage-by-stage you on this one ... Next I thought, this is just ridiculous, I can’t possibly go and kill all the people who profit out of suffering ... it would be impossible: in a way, we all do.
CHIEF: Of course, of course, thank heavens you’ve ...
PHILIP: So I went back to the idea of just killing you.
CHIEF (after pause): ... Yes, and what did you think then?
PHILIP: Nothing, I stopped there, that’s it, that’s my idea.
CHIEF: But ... but ... you just said yourself it would be pointless ...!
PHILIP: I know, but I still think it’s a good idea, even besides that.
CHIEF (hits intercom): Security! Emergency ... (but the intercom is useless as in the first scene) Damn! look this is ...
(PHILIP takes some heavy object, an award for industry statuette and walks over to the gleaming high-tech Suck and Blow with its beautiful balloon gently breathing ...)
CHIEF: Philip no!!
(PHILIP smashes it, dramatic flashes.)
CHIEF: Philip that’s our oxygen you stupid little bugger!
PHILIP: It’s still there Chief, I’ve just knocked out the blower ... Oh I forgot to say, I also went back to the idea of killing myself ...
(CHIEF is at desk desperately punching buttons ...)
PHILIP: Come on Chief, you know the thing’s on a timer. We’re going to suffocate, so forget it. Let’s think about something else ...
CHIEF: You bloody lunatic! ! (shouts) Help!. Help! (turning back to PHILIP) What the hell’s wrong with making a profit anyway ...?
PHILIP: Well as I see it, there’s profits and profits (having to support himself bit gaspy) I mean come on Chief, surely you see, if you can’t make a profit without selling your soul then you shouldn’t be in business ...
CHIEF (staggering): Of course you do realize you’re sacked don’t you, completely and utterly sacked! You’re sacked, your people are sacked, your people’s people are sacked !!
(He falls over.)
PHILIP (on knees): Decision received and respected, Sir! ... I think you should memo it, the screens won’t lift for at least five minutes and we’ll both be gone in half that time ...
CHIEF: No we bloody won’t!
(He crawls to windows, tries to force them.)
PHILIP (lying on back): Senior waste of energy Chief ... Quite an interesting sensation really, this is how most people feel all the time ...
CHIEF (at desk, gasping): I’m going to survive this Philip, and so are you, and when we do you’re going to realize what a hugely detrimental career decision it is to try and kill your employer ...
PHILIP (lying on his back and gasping): It wasn’t made lightly Chief, believe me, I was so unsure I nearly rang my accountant.
CHIEF: Got it (takes gun from draw). We’re going to make it you little bastard and when I’ve finished with you, you won’t find a restaurant in WC1 that’ll take your credit ...
(CHIEF staggers to windows and shoots at locks ... ‘bang’ ‘bang’ ‘bang’ ... ‘click’. And with a ‘whhhirrrr’, the screens rise up again, revealing the flickering orange and red of the flames. Again we hear the crump of explosions.)
PHILIP (fading): I’m drifting Chief ... I want you to know that although I have come to despise both myself and you as men ... I think we bonded into a bloody senior corporate entity ...
CHIEF (monumental effort, he has picked up the smashed Suck and Blow machine ... he lurches towards the window) I’ll get some bloody air in here if it kills me......!
PHILIP (nearly gone): Air Chief?
CHIEF (gasping): Just ... smash the bloody window ...
PHILIP: Can’t help feeling you’re forgetting something here ...
CHIEF (huge effort raises machine above head): We’re going to live Philip!!! And when we do!! you bleeding heart liberal pansy, I’m going to kill you!
PHILIP: Chief it’s empty out there. There isn’t anything left to bre ...
(CHIEF hurls the machine through one of the windows.)
CHIEF: Done it!! (a wind howls in, papers blow etc., the noise of explosions suddenly huge) Done it you bastard!
(CHIEF stands, takes a huge gulp. Turns downstage to face the prostrate PHILIP. A triumphant smile which becomes glassy and transfixed as he can fool his lungs no longer and dies of suffocation.)
(The fierce wind blows and the lights flicker.)
The End
‘Every part of the earth is sacred to my people. Every shining pine needle, every sandy shore, every mist in the dark woods, every clearing and every humming insect is holy in the memory and experience of my people. We know that the white man doesn’t understand our ways. One portion of land is the same to him as the next for he is a stranger who comes in the night and takes from the land whatever he needs. The earth is not his brother but his enemy. The sight of your cities pains the eyes of the Red man. There is no quiet place, no place to hear the unfurling of the leaves in the Spring or the rustle of the insects’ wings. The clatter of your cities insults our ears, and what is there to life if a man cannot hear the lonely cry of the whippoorwill or the arguments of the frogs around a pond at night? If we sell you our land, you must keep it apart and sacred as a place where even the white man can go to taste the wind that is sweetened by the meadows’ flowers.’
An extract from the reply that the American Indian Chief known as Seattle sent in 1854 to the US Government on receipt of their request to buy from him the land of his people.
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