I had my second chance. I was already given more time — time to be a mother, a better wife, a better friend. Not many people get that privilege — to see life through new eyes like I did. I’m lucky, Liam. Lucky to have been given that time, albeit short, to be who I was meant to be. Forever is wasted if it isn’t through the right eyes with the right people.
We’ve had a wonderful life together, one that forty or fifty more years couldn’t have made any better. Don’t confuse time and joy. Joy only takes an instant to feel and lasts long past forever. I choose to take the joy with me over the time, my love. I hope you can understand what that means…eventually. I found joy in you, the family we built, and that sweet little girl you gave me. Liam, please remember the joy. It’s the root of everything good, and it will heal that which isn’t.
I don’t think there is a greater love than the love you carry. Remember to love — all things — even when it’s hard to remember how. It will see you through the hard times and bring you joy during the good…there’s that word again…joy. I know our parting isn’t going to be easy for you. My only regret is that I can’t help you carry that burden because I would gladly take it with me if I could, but that would mean taking everything we cherish too. Do you understand that, Liam?
I need you to understand the greater the hurt, the greater the love, and our love is bigger than the sky, remember? It’s okay to hurt. With every bad day you have, remember the endless good we shared. The beautiful life full of incredible memories is why it hurts so bad, but they’re also what will see you through. Your grief is a testament to the love we share. For every bad day, there will be endless good…so long as you let your heart feel it.
I’ve left you with the arduous task of raising a daughter alone, and I know you’re going to think it’s impossible, but I can’t think of a better man to do right by her. On those days where you feel it’s impossible and you aren’t sure what to do — just love her. Just…love her, Liam. If you do that and teach her to love like only you can love, she’ll live a full and charmed life.
You’re my everything, Liam — my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my hero, my blessing, my first and only forever love. Please be my hero once more. Let yourself have the life you deserve, even if it’s without me. Live a whole life, because half a life…it’s just not you.
Be happy, Liam. Let me go when the time is right, and be…happy. Your love isn’t to be wasted. When the time comes, give it to someone who deserves it. You’ll know who and when. Continue to love as fiercely and endlessly as you’ve loved me. You’re a treasure to be had.
My best memories are of you and Reagan. My life started with the two of you. My fondest memory, though, is of you…dancing in the rain when our car stalled in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have cell service. The romantic evening you planned fell apart — you were so frustrated at first — but nothing could have topped splashing in the mud puddles while dancing in the middle of the road during a storm with you. With every storm that passes, my love…remember to always dance in the rain.
I’m always with you, Liam. You’re never alone. I hope the letters I’ve written for you and Reagan help weather the storms. Dance, my love…teach our daughter to dance.
With all of my heart, I love you forever and always…
Until we meet again…
Cassidy
My precious girl, Reagan…
Wow! You’re FIVE! This is a big, big year. You finally get to go to school with the big kids — you’ve been waiting for this for so long. Yay! I hope you’re surrounded by everyone special to you, and your day is full of joy and laughter.
Oh, how I wish I was there with you to celebrate. I need you to know that just because you don’t see me doesn’t mean I’m not here, baby. I’m always here. I’m in your heart, I’m in your memories, I’m even in the garden with you, silly girl.
I’m sure you miss me as much as I miss you, but I need to let you in on a little secret. When we miss someone, it’s because we love them so much. Sometimes we love so much it kind of hurts, but that’s a good thing. That’s the good kind of hurt, honey. It’s the kind that reminds us how lucky we were to have someone special to love and love us back.
Remember that, sweet girl. Remember how much I love you. Remember all the happy things we did together. Remember the birthdays, the roses, and the fairy garden. Those are all the places you’ll find me. They’re all the places you are loved. If you look hard enough, you’ll see me everywhere, honey.
I want you to eat a really big piece of cake today. Cake was our favorite! You get the extra frosting, this time, but think of me while you eat it, will you? And when you let the balloons go and they float all the way to the sky, know I was the one to get them and I love them. Almost as much as I love you.
Happy birthday, big girl. Five’s a piece of cake. You got this! Live your very best year, Reagan!
Love you forever and ever,
Mama
Dear Liam…
I can’t believe our little miracle is FIVE! How lucky are we? This is Reagan’s first birthday without me, which means it’s yours too. I’m sorry you have to go through all these firsts alone and I’m not physically with you two, but please try to put that second and let her be first today.
Please remember how special this day is — not just because it’s Reagan’s birthday, but because it’s one more day together. To celebrate. To love one another. I imagine this day will be hard for her, just as it is for you.
What I want you to do is think of your best birthday memories of all of us together. Talk about them. Laugh about them. Find the joy in it.
I don’t want my absence to bring you pain, but rather use it to smile. Don’t let what you don’t have overshadow all that we had, that’s yet to come.
Find all the reasons that make turning five awesome your mission today. Find five things to laugh about. Find five things that make the day special. Find five things she wants to do, try, or experience before she turns six.
I guarantee you the next birthday will be a little easier. Know I am with you. Every time your heart aches, let that be a measure of our love. God, I love you so, so much. I’m so lucky to have had a life with you and our little girl. I can’t wait to see all the wonderful things you do this birthday and every birthday to come.
I bet she’s over the moon about her new status. This is the birthday she’s been waiting for. She’s officially a big kid, like she’s always wanted. Let her excitement wash over you and know I am with you two through it all.
Keep me in your heart, Liam. Cling to the beautiful memories and feel my love because that never left you.
Thank you for taking care of our girl. Thank you for letting me leave with peace in knowing she’d never go a single day not feeling loved. Thank you for being there for both of us, knowing I’m not far.
I left Reagan four of my favorite birthday pictures, help her create a fifth. For you, I’ve enclosed four birthday pictures of the three of us…please don’t forget to take the fifth. I love you, Liam.
Remember the extra frosting and make sure you let the balloons go… That’s her favorite part.
With all of my love…
Your adoring wife,
Cass
- 11 -
When the sky sparkles…
Summer was in full swing. I loved this time of year, in this city, with my people. I wish I could say I felt strong, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like it was the end, though, and that was something.
I’d been able to take small walks with Liam along the waterfront. It had been nice to get out of the building and see the city from the ground. We never made it far, but we didn’t have to. Just being with him, doing something somewhat normal, was enough.
There were a few times when I felt a little bold and walked a little farther than I probably should have. When it became difficult too walk, and the fatigue took over, my sweet guy would swoop me up and carry me the rest of the way home.
We got
a lot of odd looks, but we didn’t care. Some thought we were newlyweds, and we let them believe that because they thought they were witnessing something special, and they were. Our love was special, one of a kind, and I so enjoyed the buzz it created.
Liam was staying closer to home. Everyone was, it seemed. I didn’t know if that was a coincidence, but I wasn’t going to complain. The guys had a thriving business with enough trusted employees to cover the tasks they chose not to take so they could be close to home, together.
I sat on the rooftop, my special project in my lap, and watched as the family scattered around, setting up for fourth of July festivities. We always barbecued. Any holiday was an excuse for family time. We’d have our cookout, eat homemade ice cream, and wait until the sun set for the evening and the sky lit up.
Our view was like no other once the night sky graced us. We could see colorful bursts for miles — from the rodeo, to the ballfields, to the city’s lavish show. Fireworks were magical from that vantage point. Even the smaller illegal ones scattered in the distance, peppering over neighborhoods. It was fun to see and imagine the fun they must have been having too.
My favorite was the firework show over the river, set from a barge not even a mile from our building. We laid on our backs and watched the sparks shower over us. They were so big, they felt like we could simply extend a hand and touch them.
We’d watch for hours as the sky filled with colors and patterns like a vibrant canvas. It was art. It was beautiful. It was magic — there was no other way to explain it.
“The sky sparkles, mama. Glitter is my favorite.”
Seeing the festivities through Reagan’s eyes was awe inspiring. The sky did sparkle. Glitter was awesome. And I was grateful to see it one last time.
Every holiday was a big deal for the O’Reilly family. We didn’t do anything small. That made each one I got to enjoy one last time that much harder because I knew it was the last. I didn’t know how much time I had left, we’d exceeded the two months the doctors were sure of, so we were on bonus time. But I did know, I wouldn’t see the sky sparkle again, at least not from here.
I’d been writing letters daily. To everyone. For everything. Mostly, for Liam and Reagan. They’d go through the most, hurt the most, and feel the loss the most. Each letter I left gave me a little more peace, though.
Every milestone I could think of, I wrote a letter. Every holiday that passed or was too distant to reach, I wrote a letter. Every broken heart, sickness, scare, joy, accomplishment I could think of, I wrote a letter. The books I was leaving for Liam and Reagan were getting full, and that left my heart full.
It was like each passing day, as I lost a little piece of myself, I got to leave a piece with them. It felt purposeful. Meaningful. As time faded, I did not. I was encapsulated in this gift I was leaving them. I’d be with them forever. And when they missed me or needed me, they’d know where to find me. I’d never be far because I’d poured every bit of myself into these letters for them.
It was interesting. The more I lost, it seemed the more I gained. One day gone, one day closer to the end, but a lifetime lived and shared. It was beautiful. The small things became the biggest things. I witnessed a type of joy I wouldn’t have had any other way, and I felt blessed for it.
Living in the moment had new meaning. Living my best life did too. I learned the greatest gift life could offer wasn’t just love; it was time — time for the small things, which far outweighed the rest.
“How you doing over here?” Dace asked. He handed me a bowl of ice cream and took the seat next to me. “You tired? Need anything?”
“This is exactly what I needed,” I said, digging into the homemade strawberry ice cream.
Dace was the fourth O’Reilly boy, and the bad boy of the bunch. He liked to live fast and hard. He was the thrill seeker, daredevil. Tattoos were his thing and complimented his gritty, rugged look. But he was all heart, just like the rest of them.
I knew why he waited to talk to me alone. He had that look on his face he got every so often: girl trouble.
I’d known these boys most of my life; they truly were like brothers to me. We’d all grown up together in a sense. I knew them as well as they knew themselves. I adored them.
“Trouble with Ivy?” I asked.
Ivy was his true love. They’d been together since before they were out of school, like Liam and I, but their journey hadn’t been as smooth.
They were meant for each but wanted different things at different times. He wanted a future with Ivy, but in due time; Ivy wanted their future to be now. Like the rest of the O’Reilly brothers, he’d joined the armed forces. Also like his brothers, they didn’t settle for typical soldier life.
Dace didn’t talk much about what he did, but it was definitely something covert and under the radar. He’d be home for day, even weeks, then disappear in the middle of the night to parts unknown, eventually turning up again stating he was at work.
Work usually brought him back with a bandage or bruise. If not that, a new tattoo he wore proud like a badge of honor. Despite not knowing what he did for sure, we knew he wasn’t out selling vacuums door to door in the middle of the night for weeks on end.
I understood how that had to be hard for Ivy. She loved him as fiercely as he loved her, but losing him like that, time and time again, with no explanation, had to be wearing. Ivy had secrets of her own, though. I wasn’t sure what they were — she was good at hiding them and deterring conversations away from her personal life and past. Nonetheless, she was a sweet girl, and they complemented each other perfectly.
“There’s always trouble with Ivy.” Dace laughed. “She’s easy to love, but hard to talk to. She has her own plan and sometimes…”
“You worry it doesn’t include you?” I finished his sentence. I’d had this conversation with him before. “She loves you, Dace.”
“I don’t doubt that. In fact, it’s how she loves me that makes it hard. She wants it all now. Everything. And we aren’t ready.”
“You’ve known each other nearly as long as Liam and I have. Surely, you’ve got to be ready by now. What’s holding you back?” I asked.
“Work. I have another year on my…contract,” he said, like contract was supposed to throw me off his trail. “But they offered me a hefty bonus if I sign up for another three years.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
Dace snorted. “Ivy. She doesn’t want me to sign it. She thinks the year I have left is enough, and then I can work with the boys, here, fulltime. No more missions…errr, jobs.”
“You don’t want to commit to your brothers fulltime?”
“I do. That’s the end goal and why I’ve worked so hard up to this point, so I can contribute equally. But the money I’ve been able to put away and the three-year bonus from my other job would allow me to be a full partner with the guys and set Ivy and me up for a good life.”
“Okay. So, what part of that does Ivy not like? Is there a compromise?”
“More like an ultimatum.” He snorted. “She thinks if I go past this year, I’m choosing work over her and she doesn’t think she can wait another three years beyond that.”
“That sounds pretty serious,” I offered. “Maybe she’s worried if you sign it’s a gamble. Maybe she’s worried about your safety. You know, as a mechanic or whatever it is you do.”
“Pshhh…nah. I’m an O’Reilly, we’re too stubborn and strong to get into that kind of trouble,” Dace guffawed. He was deflecting. “Do you think she’d really leave me?”
“Dace, the only way you’re going to know is to talk to her. Really talk to her. Find out what’s really bothering her and see if there’s a compromise in there somewhere.”
“Yeah. You’re right.”
“Look, you two are meant to be together. No matter what happens, I have no doubt you’ll always find your way back to each other. Just don’t wait too long to find your happily ever whatever. If we’ve all learned anything, it’s never to take ti
me for granted. We’re only promised today.”
Dace wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his side so he could place a kiss on top of my head.
“Thanks, Cassy. I think you’re the only smart one in the bunch sometimes.” In true Dace fashion, he palmed my hat covering my barely-there hair and pulled it down over my face. “Need anything, kid?”
I laughed while adjusting my hat. “Just you to get your crap together, O’Reilly. And maybe some more ice cream.”
“You’ve got it.” He took my bowl and wandered off to fill my request.
I didn’t really need more ice cream, and I was sure he wouldn’t return with any. It just so happened Ivy was standing at the ice cream maker scooping a bowl for herself. So, I sent him in her direction. They needed to talk and not let this thing between them fester.
Something Dace had said stood out. Stubborn. He was certainly that — all the O’Reilly men were. And maybe the women — it was that Irish blood. I wondered how things would turn out for them, all of them. A sudden sense of sadness settled in when I realized I would be missing out on their milestones as well. Marriage, children, who would end up with five or more cats.
I made a mental note to leave them something behind, so I’d be there on their life journeys as well. It was important to me. They were siblings to me, really. And it saddened me to think I’d miss all their greatest moments. But, in my own way, I’d still be there for them.
The fireworks were in full effect when Liam took a seat next to me, pulling my legs over his lap after draping a blanket around my shoulders. How did he know what I needed exactly when I needed it?
Dear Dace…
There are so many things I want to say to you and not enough time to say them, so I’ll keep it short and get right to the point.
Love, Cass Page 9
