by Stella Casey
Too good.
It had been a long time. I hadn’t really talked to anyone in years. It was exciting, and at the same time scary. Until this moment, I hadn’t realized how lonely I was.
It had felt like I was home again for a moment when I was with her. Almost like being in my true form, somehow. As if, even though she hadn’t recognized me, she had truly seen me.
I crossed the road to the other side of the park, being very careful to look for cars this time, and thinking about her. She had been so strong, and ready to fight me if I went anywhere near those stairs.
Probably protecting the baby in all those pictures on her fridge, her counter, and her walls. It reminded me of K’nythian females. They were feisty and fiercely protective of their young, too.
I could appreciate those sorts of qualities in a female. Suddenly, a memory popped into my mind, of me playing with all my nieces and nephews. That was before the…
No use thinking of those who were gone.
I stopped walking for a moment, fighting with the memories. Then I shoved them back into the box they’d come from.
I didn’t think about that time, for good reason. It did me no good to feel the powerlessness and the rage all over again. To remember how I hadn’t been able to protect them when they had really needed me.
I closed my eyes and with a herculean effort, shoved all the memories and emotions back down into their box and closed the lid.
There. That was better.
I continued walking, keeping my eyes up. I did not want to be hit by a car again. It had been a most unpleasant experience.
The sound of my footfalls were loud in my ears, though they couldn’t be, really, because I was barefoot. I was just wound up and feeling paranoid.
But damn.
I had talked to her.
Yes, it had been strange, since I hadn’t spoken for so long. But my translation chip made it easy to understand and speak her dialect of English.
Before coming to Earth, I had had to buy an illegal upgrade for it to be able to handle the primitive languages of Earth. Seeing as no one was supposed to be going to primitive planets, they weren’t supposed to need language chips for primitive languages either — hence the illegal upgrade.
So I’d had no trouble with her language; it was only the act of speaking that was unfamiliar after so many years.
But then again, I had spoken, and it hadn’t been that difficult. I was only out of practice. And I had a feeling that this was only the beginning.
I had opened a can of worms, as the humans were fond of saying. I wrinkled my nose, thinking about this odd expression.
A can of worms. Gross.
And I supposed that if you opened a can of worms, it was very difficult to get them back in. Of course, who would can worms in the first place? And who would eat them?
I shook my head, trying to clear the thought of eating worms from it.
My thoughts returned once again to her.
I had talked to her.
Energy sizzled through the human body I was in. Never, since I had arrived on Earth, had I wanted to shift into my true form more than I did at this moment. It always took a small bit of attention and energy to maintain the form I had taken, and suddenly I was tired of pretending to be something I was not.
Even just for a moment, I wanted to be myself.
I wrapped my arms around my ribs, wondering if they were bruised or broken. Not that it mattered, because they hurt like they were broken, either way. Still, I could feel this form already starting to heal. My kind heal much more quickly than humans.
I couldn’t get her image out of my mind, even though I knew I should forget her. I wasn’t supposed to even be here, on this planet. I was from a superior race, which meant I wasn’t supposed to mess with primitive peoples. And that wasn’t even taking into account how much trouble humans could be.
And she had called the police on me. If they found me, they might put me in one of their prisons, and that I would not be able to stand.
Breathing deeply, I took in the fresh scent of the forest. It smelled like freedom to me.
I wouldn’t want to be locked up here on Earth. That would be terrible. It would make my time in prison on my world seem like heaven in comparison, I was sure.
But they hadn’t caught me. And they weren’t going to, so that didn’t matter.
What mattered was that I had spoken to a human. I was getting way too interested in her. And if I was being honest, I had been interested in her for a long time.
I needed to get away before I started to get attached. If I somehow did get involved with a human, it could go very badly for her, as well, if my parole officer ever found me.
And then there was always the fear in the back of my mind that if I started to care about anyone ever again, I would fail them the way I had failed my family.
The thought sucked all the air from my lungs.
I needed to get away from this female. I couldn’t start to care for her and then fail her the way I had failed them. It would kill me. I wouldn’t survive it this time, I knew.
And then there was the fact that that baby of hers must have a father. I sighed. It really was imperative that I forget the human female.
I arrived at the fencing along the outside of the zoo. Calm enough now to shift, I changed back into an ape, scaling the fence surrounding the zoo without even thinking about it.
Maybe I should leave this zoo and go find another one. It wouldn’t be that hard. I had already done some research, just in case I had a problem here and needed to leave suddenly.
Yes, I should go immediately. Instead of going back in, I could just take off and leave. Never see this place again.
That would be for the best.
For me and for her.
Then why did the thought make me feel so empty?
As I reached the top of the tiger enclosure, the guard came walking by. Damn it. He was early. Or maybe I was late; with everything that had happened, I had definitely lost track of time.
I froze, holding on to the metal fence, praying that he wouldn’t look up.
One of the female tigers wandered over to the fence as he came past, and he stopped to chat with her. “Hey Dorcas,” he said. “How you doing, sweetie?”
She paced back and forth a couple times in front of him and he smiled at her, continuing to talk to her. Meanwhile, my hands and feet were getting tired and sweaty. My muscles were starting to shake from holding myself perfectly still in this awkward position at the top of the fence for so long.
All I wanted to do was move.
But I couldn’t.
If he saw me up here, he would think an ape had escaped. Then they’d lock the place down and catch me. And when they did the headcount, they would realize they had one ape too many, and one tiger too few.
Then the trouble would really start.
The guard finally moved on. With shaking arms and legs, I climbed rapidly back down into the tiger enclosure. Dorcas eyed me for a moment, but she had already had her supper, and wasn’t much interested in me in my ape form.
I closed my eyes and shifted, enjoying how she startled when an ape suddenly became a tiger. As I settled into my usual form, I was suddenly overcome with weariness. I lay down and put my head comfortably on my paws.
Maybe I would leave the zoo. Leave the human female. Get a fresh start.
To protect us both.
I drew a deep breath, tilting my head to stare up at the stars that never looked quite right to me.
Maybe I would leave.
But not tonight.
And with that final thought, I let myself fall asleep.
5
Alyssa
I opened my eyes, coming out of a dream where I was being chased by a man with the head of a dog. Feeling confused, I stared up at the ceiling and tried to get my bearings.
Morning sunlight was streaming in the window, highlighting a faint brown water stain that marred the white paint. I heard Zoe
’s voice above my head, and everything came back to me in a rush — who I was, my life, and what had happened last night.
Or maybe what hadn’t happened?
“Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma,” she called in her loud little voice. I loved that most of the time she didn’t cry when she woke up, just yelled my name until I came and got her.
I yanked the blanket off me and got to my feet. I had a very clear memory of hitting a dog last night, bringing it back to my house, the dog turning into a man, and me smacking the guy with a frying pan.
Then the police had come and told me that that wasn’t what had happened at all. Eventually, I had gone to sleep on Zoe’s floor with a … I glanced down at the floor … yep, there was the butcher knife.
I set the knife on the dresser and picked up my daughter, who grinned at me. Her brown eyes were filled with life, and she had these fuzzy brown curls in a halo all around her head. I couldn’t help smiling back at her, even though my life was in a bit of a shambles this morning.
Inhaling her sweet baby smell, I nuzzled her with my nose, which made her giggle and grab my cheeks. We went downstairs and I put her in her high chair, feeling a little lighter just from being with my daughter.
Until recently, I had fed her blended foods on a spoon, though I had started giving her soft foods that she could pick up. With a butter knife, I cut some small pieces of banana and put them on her tray for her to practice picking up. She was completely fascinated with this whole self-feeding thing.
I myself was entranced by the great care she put into pinching the piece of banana between her fingers and bringing it to her mouth. Once she got it in, she smiled at me, so proud of herself.
The doorbell rang, making me jump. When I looked through the peephole, it was my best friend, Callie, with coffee. Sometimes she came and picked Zoe up, and sometimes I dropped her off. On the days when she picked her up, she often brought me coffee, the sweetie.
I opened the door. She was my opposite in appearance. While I was short and curvy, with dark hair and eyes, she was thin, with strawberry-blonde hair and green eyes.
“Hey Callie,” I said, giving her a smile.
“Hey you,” she said, then frowned. “You look terrible. Did Zoe have a bad night?”
“No, but I did.” I closed the door and followed her into the kitchen, where she handed me my coffee — black, as always.
“Why’d you have a bad night?” She kissed Zoe on the cheek, greeting her, and then sat down on one of the stools at the island.
“Um, it’s kind of a long story,” I said, paying very close attention to buttering my toast.
I didn’t want to get into it with Callie. She would ferret everything out. She would see right through me. And I didn’t want to talk to her about it until I had figured out what I wanted to say.
Callie narrowed her eyes at my words. “You know I love long stories, Alyssa.”
I shrugged, not wanting her to look at me like I was crazy, the way the police officers had. “I hit a dog on the way home last night.”
“Oh no, Lyss. Did you kill it? Were you upset? Oh, man, that must have been so hard. What did you do?”
Waiting for her to finish, I took a drink of my coffee and nearly burned my mouth, it was so hot. When she ran out of breath, I began answering her questions.
“No, I didn’t kill it. It was unconscious, but then it woke up. Yes, I was upset, but I’m fine now.”
Or mostly fine. Except for being crazy.
I took another drink of coffee; my hand was shaking. Fortunately, Callie didn’t notice, and I set the cup on the counter. Grasping the back of the stool to still my hands, I continued explaining.
“After it woke up, it … ran away,” I finished, feeling lame, even though it was technically the truth. Surely she was going to question me more.
“After the day you had, that’s all you needed,” she said, shaking her head. “You poor sweetie. As if you don’t have enough on your plate.”
She stood up and came around and gave me a hug. Zoe shrieked.
“What?” Callie said, turning to her a big grin on her face. “You want a hug, too?”
Zoe gurgled again and bounced in her seat as Callie came towards her, wiggling her fingers at her. My daughter laughed wildly when she saw the fingers.
“Cawee,” she said — her version of Callie’s name.
When Callie got close enough and saw what a sticky mess Zoe was, she shook her head.
“No hugs for you, my girl,” she said, planting a big kiss on the top of her head. “Not till you’re clean. Are you all done?”
“Aw dun,” Zoe said, and we both beamed at her.
I grabbed a cloth and wiped her down so Callie could pick her up. She lifted Zoe out of the high chair, being careful not to snag her feet, and bounced her around the kitchen. Then she put her down on the floor, giving Zoe her favorite giraffe.
“I’m wondering if all the long hours are finally getting to me,” I said. “I’ve never hit anything before.”
Callie gave me a compassionate look.
“Lyss, you’ve been through hell and back in the past year and a half. With Harris dying when you were in your first trimester, and you having to have the baby alone and raise her with no help, no one would blame you for giving up the ER job.”
“No help? What are you and Mom, then?”
“You know what I mean. No husband.”
“I know what you mean, Callie.”
“You should give up the second job. It’s too much right now, Lyss.”
“But I…”
She held up her hand.
“I know you love it, and I know you’re bent on keeping this ridiculously big house for the two of you, even though you can’t afford it anymore, but what if that had been a person you hit? Manslaughter is not a joke.”
I blinked.
Oh God. What if it actually had been a person I hit? I wondered if he had gone to see a doctor.
What if he had internal injuries, and had died keeled over in the bushes somewhere? What if I had already committed manslaughter?
Suddenly, I couldn’t stand to talk about it another instant.
“I’ll think about it. But I have to go, Callie,” I said, picking up Zoe and giving her a big hug. “Bye, sweetie. I’ll see you later. Be a good girl.”
“Stay Cawee,” she told me, and I nodded.
“Yes, you’re going to stay with Callie while I go to work, and I’ll see you later, okay, sweets?”
Callie took her, and they came out on the step with me. It was our little ritual when I left.
“Say bye to Mommy,” Callie told Zoe.
“Bye-bye, Mama.”
I swallowed hard. Sometimes, it was so difficult to leave her.
I backed out of the driveway, and as I headed down the street, I wiped away my tears. If nothing had happened to Harris, I would still be home with her, taking care of her, like a mother should.
We had planned that I would stay home with Zoe until she was two. But all that had changed the day that man walked into Harris’ office and killed six people, including my husband.
I wasn’t about to take charity from anyone, and the only people I depended on were Callie and my mother. Mom came for one week every month to look after Zoe, give Callie a break, and spend time with her granddaughter.
When Harris and I had bought the house, the mortgage had been high, but manageable, between a vet’s and an accountant’s pay. But now?
With help from Mom and Callie, I was able to go back to my job after having Zoe. Plus, I had picked up the other ER job, in order to pay the bills and the huge mortgage. And even with all that, I was barely getting by.
We could move. But I couldn’t handle a big change right now. It was easier to just work much harder than I ought to … no matter how stupid and dangerous that might be.
At work at the zoo later that day, I stopped to watch the tigers. I was on my way to deal with a wolf with an infected paw, but somehow, the big cats always ca
lmed me down and brought me back to my center. Or, at least, Berani did.
Ever since I had seen the big male tiger for the first time, I had enjoyed his presence. I liked to be around any kind of animal; they were all so chilled out, so not worried about problems. It helped me to forget my own life for a while.
But the effect seemed amplified when I was around Berani.
Where was he?
Just then, he jumped down from the tree house that I had recommended the zoo build for him. He froze when he saw me, blinking a few times. He stared with an intensity that I found unnerving.
I noticed that he had a cut over his eye and felt puzzled, trying to think how he had gotten it. The tiger didn’t stop staring, and I wondered if he wanted to devour me. It was possible, but somehow, I got the feeling that he would never hurt me.
After a minute of his unblinking gaze, I felt uncomfortable, and remembered the job I was supposed to be doing. I started to walk again, and Berani followed me.
I stopped.
He stopped.
What the heck?
I began walking again, and he continued to match my pace on his side of the enclosure. He followed me as far as he could go, and I wondered if I should ask the zoo’s director about that.
She had a lot more experience with tigers than me, and she might know whether it was a normal thing. Or whether I should be worried.
I was careful around the predators. Always. But I wasn’t afraid of them, the way some of the zoo keepers and vets were. I didn’t mind going in the tiger cage, and more than once I had gone in when there was a problem.
Yes, I would ask the director and see what she thought. As soon as I finished this procedure with the wolf’s infected paw.
I hurried to the wolf enclosure, wondering if I needed a psychiatrist. First the dog man. Now this obsessed tiger.
Maybe it was me. Maybe I was crazy.
But how could I afford anti-crazy sessions, with my ridiculous mortgage and my vet’s salary? I shook my head, trying to forget all the bizarre happenings, and making every attempt to focus on my work.
There was a sound behind me and I jumped, glancing back. A tourist ambled along. The man’s body was hot as hell, with chiseled abs and strong arms.
But strangely, his face seemed sort of nondescript, with no defining features — it was the sort of face you might see on any number of random guys in the street. He was only wearing shorts, but it was hot, and that wasn’t so unusual for guys visiting the zoo in the summer.
