by Kristy Love
“You’ve played paintball before?”
“I used to play all the time.” Ghosts of memories danced at the edges of my mind of a life before.
She looked up at me, her eyes full of uncertainty. “Will you protect me?”
“What? You aren’t woman enough to protect yourself? You need a big, strong man to keep you from getting your ass kicked?”
The fire burst to life behind her eyes and a part of me felt relieved. She was getting out of her head and before long, she’d be okay. At least that’s what I told myself. “Sometimes I wonder why I even bother being friends with you.”
I grinned at her. “Sweetheart, we both know you find me irresistible.”
“I’d go for another word like annoying, but you can keep telling yourself whatever makes you feel better.”
I chuckled. “You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart. We both know that’s not true.” She rolled her eyes at me and then we were directed out onto the field. I grabbed her hand and we crouch-ran toward the trees.
“Roman,” she breathed, her eyes wide behind the mask.
“It’s okay. Find a target and shoot. It’s for fun.”
Somewhere beyond us, twigs snapped. I motioned for her to be quiet and she nodded. We crept forward, both ready to fire a round of paint at the hopefully unsuspecting person. When he popped out of the trees, Mia didn’t hesitate. She unloaded paintballs onto the guy until she had to reload. If this was how she played, it would be a very expensive outing. As soon as her gun was empty, she squealed and leapt into my arms. “I did it! I did it!” Her arms were around my neck and I held her lower back, her body pressed firmly against my own.
“You were amazing.” A few breaths passed between us. We heard footsteps barreling toward us, so we grabbed hands and ran.
We spent over two hours at the paintball arena. Mia couldn’t seem to get enough. At one point, she ventured out on her own. My eyes darted everywhere, trying to find her. There were structures in the middle of the field for people to duck into and hide, but I didn’t see her there. I stuck to the trees until I saw her at the edge of the woods, lined up to take a shot at someone. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone creeping up behind her and I quickly raised my gun and fired a few paintballs. Mia whirled around, her eyes wide in surprise. I ran toward her and saw someone else creep out from behind her, ready to land a shot on her. I dove on top of her, knocking her to the ground. I turned my body slightly so I didn’t crush her when I landed.
“You saved me,” her voice breathless. I brushed a stray piece of hair from in front of her mask. Something twisted inside of me as her big eyes looked up at me, so vulnerable. “Roman!” she yelled right before I was pelted with paintballs.
We burst out laughing. I rested my head against her shoulder as the game kept going on around us. I enjoyed being with her this way, bodies close together. It had been years since I’d been this close to anyone, let alone a woman. Mia had put on a little weight in the last few weeks. Her body had more curves and I couldn’t deny how sexy she looked, even in sweatpants.
I couldn’t have these thoughts. I had to let her go, so I got to my feet and helped her stand. She brushed the dirt and debris from her clothing. “Are you ready to go?” I asked. What had started as a paintball game with a friend had somehow left me feeling off kilter. Again.
“Yeah.” She grabbed my hand and the we headed off the field. “That was fun,” she said once we were back in my truck.
“It was.” The day had started with her being too far in her own head; now my own thoughts were troubling me. I liked being with Mia, sure. But did it mean more than that?
“I never even considered paintball. It always seemed kind of . . . violent.”
“You’re just out, having fun, and shooting paint at people.” She nodded and turned to look out the window. “Are you interested in some Chinese? I’m starving.” I wanted to push the thoughts of what happened on the paintball field out of my mind. I couldn’t think about how good she felt underneath me, next to me, with me.
“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet. It seemed she’d gone back into her head, too. I couldn’t do anything about that for her because I was combating my own thoughts. Over cookies, dinners, and movies, something had changed between us. Or maybe it was me who changed. I let someone in. No, she didn’t know the past, what had changed me forever, but she came into my house and my life. I liked seeing her and talking to her. I enjoyed pushing her buttons and making her flare to life. A few guys at work had made a comment that I wasn’t as much of an ass and that maybe I was losing my hard edge. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that.
Once I had the Chinese food, I drove toward my house. I pulled in my driveway and grabbed the bag of food. “Roman,” her voice was small and her eyes full of sorrow.
“Yeah?”
“Can I eat at your place? I don’t . . . I don’t want to be alone right now.”
Part of me wanted to tell her that I had somewhere to be, but I couldn’t turn her away. “Of course.”
Inside, I got plates and silverware so we could eat. She was sitting on the couch, quiet. “Want to watch a movie?”
“Sure.”
After scrolling through Netflix we settled on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when I learned she hadn’t watched it before. She laughed frequently throughout the movie and I found myself relishing in the musical sound of it. When we were done eating, she curled her legs up under her and seemed to be cold, so I grabbed a blanket from a closet and draped it over her. She smiled in thanks and I sat down next to her, leaving an appropriate amount of space between us. I put my arm on the back of the couch. My fingers brushed over the soft skin of her neck and I felt the goosebumps raise. She rested her head against my hand, turning slightly and smiling at me.
When had this become okay? Sitting in my house, on the couch with a woman? When had I begun to find Mia attractive? When I first saw her bent over the flowerbed? When she marched over to my house and called me an asshole? The first time I saw her with slightly sun-kissed skin? She laughed at something in the movie and the sound wrapped around me like an embrace.
My body was sore from a few days of hard work and then the paintball game. The running, hiding, and shooting took a toll on my body and I felt my eyelids drooping.
Sometime later, I awoke. The movie was over and it was dark outside. I had no idea how long I’d been out, but it had been at least an hour. I looked down and Mia was sleeping against my shoulder. Clearly she hadn’t planned to fall asleep, her body just drifted toward mine once she lost the battle. I shifted carefully and gently laid her head down on the couch. I made sure she was wrapped up in the blanket before heading upstairs. As much as I wanted to stay with her, I knew it wasn’t a good idea. It was too soon.
It’d never be time for that.
I crawled into my cold and empty bed and tried to sleep, though it proved hard knowing Mia was asleep downstairs.
CHAPTER 8
Mia
I WOKE IN A PITCH black room, with no clue where I was or how I got there. A blanket was wrapped around me and whatever was underneath me was comfortable, though clearly not my bed. I blinked several times and the room came into focus.
I was still at Roman’s. I darted up and scrambled off the couch, disoriented. Why was I still here? How was I still here? Why didn’t he wake me? I stumbled around in the dark with clumsy limbs, looking for my shoes. I tripped over the corner of the blanket and caught myself. My heart beat as though I was doing something illegal.
Was it considered the walk of shame if no sex was involved?
I found my shoes and rushed outside. I ran across the yards and into my house, collapsing back against my front door. My hands shook and my breaths were choppy.
I felt as though I’d done something wrong, illicit, indecent. I’d fallen asleep at a man’s house. Not only that, I remembered before I fell asleep. I’d felt myself losing the battle. Instead of getting up and going home, I stayed. My body slid into R
oman’s side and his arm curled around my shoulder. He was asleep, but he’d held me.
I hadn’t been held in so long. No one had wrapped their arm around me and held me as if I mattered. Tears sprang to my eyes and I fought the urge to run, but the contact, having someone curled into me, felt too good. I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to move. I felt warm, even just from one of his arms. I felt safe. Protected. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt as if someone was protecting me. I was always protecting them. From the pain. From what I truly thought and felt. From the truth.
I felt the truth crushing in. The wall I put up around it had cracks and fissures and it threatened to barrel into me like a tsunami.
I made my way to the bathroom, tears streamed down my face. I wasn’t sure when they started. Panic seized me. Pain consumed me. Reality threatened me.
Did I really think I could escape? Did I think I could spend an afternoon and forget the doctors? The hospital? That fucking hospital bed?
Turning the shower on, I stripped then stepped inside. I had no idea what time it was or what I would do next. I sank to the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees, and let the tears flow. They mixed with the water pouring from overhead, taking my pain down the drain. But with every tear it only got worse. My heart hurt more, my lungs struggled to breathe, my muscles tightened.
Nothing would ever help me.
* * *
“Mia, it’s good to see you,” Monique said. She smiled at me, patting me on the shoulder. She adjusted Gia in the bed. Monique’s dark skin against Gia’s was too much of a contrast. It showed how pale my baby girl had gotten, how frail.
“How are you doing, Monique?” I asked, looking away, out the window. I wondered what people were doing out there. If they were celebrating, mourning, or working. So many possibilities. For the people out there.
“Oh, good. Jared got a job.” The pride in her voice over her son broke a little piece of me.
“Where at?”
“Best Buy. He’s working with the computers.” She beamed. My heart sank. I forced a smile, trying to convey the appropriate emotion. Was it convincing?
“How much longer does he have in college?”
“Two years. He’s doing so well. Harry and I are so proud. Who would have thought our little preemie would go on to be a computer genius?”
“Miracles happen.” My eyes strayed to Gia. Would I get my miracle?
Monique squeezed my shoulder, giving me a pointed look. “Yes, they do.”
I smiled and she left. I opened the Dr. Seuss book and continued reading it to Gia. I’d run out of things to say to her, so I’d begun to read to her. What was I supposed to tell her? That Mommy found someone she liked spending time with? That he eased some of the ache of loneliness she had? No, Dr. Seuss and his nonsensical rhymes and stories were a much better option.
Right around the time Thing 1 and Thing 2 burst from the box, someone cleared their throat. I looked up and saw David. My stomach dropped. He had some emotion playing across his face that I couldn’t name.
“Mia,” he said. His voice was tight, almost painful.
“David. I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“You’ve been ignoring me.”
At work, I talked to him only about work. Any time he tried to talk about anything more personal, I cut him off or ended the conversation. A few times, I’d flat out walked away from him. On top of that, he’d been traveling more and more. He wasn’t in the office every day, so it made it a hell of a lot easier to not deal with him. When I wasn’t at work, I’d been sending his calls to voicemail and ignoring his texts for a few weeks. I couldn’t deal with him and everything going on in my head and heart. Unfortunately, it appeared my time to avoid him had just ended. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry.” He moved a few steps closer. His eyes moved over Gia, seeming to evaluate how she was doing. Then he looked back at me.
“Do you even know what you did?”
“I overstepped.” His words, almost whispered in his British accent, did nothing to appease my anger. Yes, he was my stepbrother, the only sibling I had. I loved him fiercely. He’d been my best friend for longer than I could remember. When other girls ran to their girlfriends to cry over a heartbreak or friend drama, I ran to David. He’d always been there for me. He was the rock I could lean against and the soft place I could land when I fell. But ever since the accident, he’d changed. He treated me as if I were fragile, a porcelain doll with eggshell-thin skin. Whenever I tried voicing my fears, my concerns, or my worries, he quieted me and tried to smooth it over. Distance grew between us. He didn’t know how to be around someone so consumed with misery and blackness. He didn’t know how to handle me.
It pissed me off that he felt he had to handle me.
Instead of calling me himself, he got updates through Roxie. Instead of coming to the hospital, he called the nurses’ station to check on Gia and me. He relied on outsiders to be there for me instead of being here when I needed him most. I felt I’d lost everything. It hurt more to feel I’d lost the only family I had left.
The last straw was Roman. I was glad Roman was in my life. Even thinking about him made the knot that resided in my stomach loosen and my shoulders relax a bit. But David had asked a stranger to keep an eye on me instead of being here. The person I’d always turned to when I needed something had turned away from me. It hurt. I had enough hurt to deal with. I didn’t need more from David.
“I’m sorry.”
“You had no right to go to my neighbor, David.”
“You’re right. I shouldn’t have.” He moved closer. I stayed seated. I didn’t have the energy to deal with this as well today.
“When did it become too much work for you? To be around me? To care about me?”
“You’re not too much work, Mia.” He moved the chair next to me and sat, grabbed my hand, squeezed it. “I’ve just got a lot going on.”
“And I don’t? She’s my daughter, David. I needed my best friend and you’ve been gone.”
“I’ve been away on business.”
“You were gone a long time before you went on your business trip, David.”
He hung his head. “It’s hard for me to see her this way.” David may have been my best friend, but he and Gia were close. He was a better father figure to Gia than Brock could ever hope to be.
“You think it’s easy for me? To be here every day? To see no change? To get the updates from the doctors?”
“There’s no excuse, Mia. There isn’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I went to your neighbor; I’m sorry I haven’t been here when you needed me.”
I pulled my hand away. “I’ve lost so much. My husband. My baby. My ability to have babies. My parents. The rest of my family. Friends. I may lose my daughter, the only child I can ever have. I never thought I’d lose you, David. Ever.” He sat there, absorbing my words. I was surprised he was still here, listening to me. I was surprised I was still sitting here, talking. “I don’t know what to do now.” The lump in my throat grew. My eyes focused on Gia and she got blurry through the tears. David wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. His other arm came around me and he held me.
I was being held again, but this time it didn’t feel as good. Roman’s one arm felt better than David giving me an actual hug.
I stopped that train of thought.
We sat there with Gia awhile. I didn’t have the emotional energy to be mad at David. I didn’t have the emotional energy for much of anything.
* * *
When I got home, I found a small box on my front step. I opened it and found the ingredients for triple chocolate chunk cookies. A note was on top.
Please?
-R
Butterflies swirled in my stomach. I looked over at his house. His truck was gone. Maybe he had to work tonight. I took the box inside and set it in the kitchen. Then walked away. I wasn’t ready for the feelings he stirred inside me. The sight of his truck made me smile. A text from him made my he
art thump. His dimpled grin damn nearly made me swoon.
The box sat on the counter for two more days until I caved. I made him the cookies he requested, questioning why I was doing it the entire time. I told myself I didn’t have time for him. I didn’t have time for whatever this charade was. I didn’t want to have feelings for anyone but Gia. She was my focus. I couldn’t put my focus on another person, let alone another man.
By the time I finished, I heard his truck start and drive away.
Me: Do you work tonight?
Roman: No. Going out for a drink with some buddies.
I felt deflated. He had too much control over how I felt. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t acceptable. I left his batch of cookies on his front step, which had become our thing. Messages spoken through baked goods. The cookies were able to say what I couldn’t put into words. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
I walked through my house, trailing my fingertips over a portrait of Gia. There was a sparkle in her eye and her cheeks held a hint of pink. That was when she looked most alive. She was full of laughter and curiosity. She used to empty every toy onto her bedroom floor before bed and then study them in the morning to see if any had moved. She was convinced that Toy Story was real, that her toys came to life at night and had elaborate lives. Pain coursed through my body and I fought back tears. The endless stream of questions went through my head. Would Gia ever get to play with her toys again?
I turned the lights off and went up to my bedroom. I turned on a crappy reality show and burrowed under the covers. The world was too much right now. The thoughts and feelings inside me were more than I could handle. I almost wished for the numbness that used to be the only thing I felt. It was my constant companion, and didn’t allow me to wish for more, want for more.
Instead, my bed, the glow from the TV, and the darkness coating the silence were to be my only company.
CHAPTER 9
Roman
WHEN I GOT HOME FROM drinks with some guys from work, I saw the package on my front steps. I knew it was the cookies from Mia, but somehow it bothered me that she left them. I hadn’t seen her in a few days. In fact, the last time I saw her was when I put the blanket over her and then went to bed. When I woke the next morning, she was gone. She took a long time to answer my texts, and even then they were one word responses. Somehow, knowing she’d shut me out bothered me a lot. More than it should have. I hoped she wasn’t suffering on her own. She deserved more than that.
