“Thanks, man. It means a lot. Honestly though, the only other person I’ve ever told about all of this is Maddy and that was just last month.” I sigh and shake my head – a useless attempt to block the pain. “She makes me want to be a better person; she makes me want to heal.” I offer up a small smile; it’s really all I can muster up right now.
Jack’s brows knit in perplexed confusion. “So then I don’t get it. If she’s behind you with all of this, and you want to move forward from it, then why are you here with us and not home with her?”
I still haven’t figured that out myself, but I try my best to convey to Jack what I do understand about our situation. “Well it turns out that all of those calls I was getting for the last few weeks were about my mom. She’s sick.” I stutter a little and surprise myself at the upwelling of emotion I’m feeling. “She’s dying.” I pause as I let the weight of my own words sink in. “And now she wants to talk to me again, but after she shut out Shane and ignored me for the last five years, I don’t think I have it in me to see her.” I rub my hands over the steering wheel in a nervous gesture. “I don’t care that she’s dying and that’s the problem with Maddy. She thinks that I can’t love her, that I don’t love her, because I refuse to deal with my past.”
We sit in silence for a few minutes just watching the trees and the cars pass us by. I merge into the right lane, preparing to exit the interstate. We’re only about five minutes from home at this point.
“So, oh wise one,” I quip sarcastically, mainly because I need to lighten the mood, “what should I do?”
“Honestly?” His look is serious. He’s about to dole out some real advice here.
“No, I want you to lie to me, please.” I grin at him. “Yes, honestly, you ass!” We both share a chuckle and the mood lifts slightly.
“Do you love her?” I’m taken back a little by his abrupt question.
Is he serious? I can’t contain the sarcastic huff that passes my lips. “Love her? There isn’t a word for what I feel for her.” I smile at the thought of her, of us together. “Being with her is easy. It’s like breathing, really. Before Maddy, I never wanted a commitment. I never wanted to have feelings or be in love. I was more than happy with a quick fuck and an awkward goodbye the next morning. But I never knew how empty my life was until she became a part of it.”
“Okay, Shakespeare – I get it. So it’s simple. If you love her, and you need her, then you fix this.” His words are simple and final. There is no other option. “This is what I’ve learned over the last three years with this one.” He eyes Cammie who is still peacefully sleeping in his arms. “There are two things that women want from men when things go wrong. They want us to do what they tell us and they want us to actually want to do what they tell us.” He laughs a small chuckle at the ridiculousness of his statement. “I know it sounds manipulative, but the bottom line is that Maddy wants you to do this so that she feels safe and secure with you. You want her in your life, so in order to get what you want, and in order to make Maddy happy, which is also something that you want, you have to talk to your mom.” He pauses before continuing. “Besides, it’s not just about you and Maddy anymore. If you want to hold on to any hope of being a part of your child’s life, then you’ll do this for that baby. Be the parent yours were incapable of being and do the right thing.”
I sit back and contemplate his words for a few minutes before I say anything. I need to digest his words. I don’t want to go home and I know that I shouldn’t have to.
But then there’s the part of me that’s exhausted from keeping my past all bottled up. Maybe going home and telling my parents to go fuck off might give me the closure I need. As angry as I am at Maddy right now for pushing me away, she’s partly right. I’m not healed from my past, hell neither is she. I need to put it behind me and move on with my life, with our life.
It doesn’t take long to reach a conclusion. I want Maddy and my baby in my life and that’s that. “You’re right, Jack.” I pull my eyes away from the road for a second to look over at him. “Thanks a lot for listening to me and giving me some advice. I really appreciate it.” I nod my head at him. That’s all that’s needed between us now.
“No problem. I’m here for you anytime.” He looks down at Cammie, lovingly, tenderly. “We both are; you just have to let us.” On his last words, Cammie stirs at his side. She straightens from her cuddled slouch and stretches her arms overhead – or at least as far overhead as the cabin will allow her.
She wipes the sleep from her eyes, and when she speaks, her voice is soft and low. “Are we almost home?”
Jack sweeps a stray piece of hair out of her eyes and kisses her cheek. “We’ll be there in about five minutes, baby.” She smiles back at him, and when she rests her head back on his chest, mine aches longingly in an almost phantom pain-like state. I need to feel Maddy’s cheek on my chest again. I need to see her. I need to make this better and not for her, not for me, but for us. For our family.
A few minutes later, we pull into the driveway. Cammie nearly sprints out of the car – small bladders and long car rides are not a good combination. I help Jack unload the bags and hope that he can do one more thing for me.
“Jack, can I ask you one more favor?” I sling a bag over my shoulder.
“Sure, anything.” Jack closes the door and steps around to the front of the truck.
I nervously fidget with the strap. I’ve never had to ask anyone for help; it’s a new thing for me. “Can I borrow your truck for a few days? The Mustang was totaled after Maddy’s accident, and it’ll be weeks before the insurance company cuts me a check and I can find a replacement.” I let the keys jingle in my hand as I toy with them waiting for his answer.
We both start walking to the front door and Jack says, “Of course, man. Where are you going to go?”
“I’m going to make things right.” Jack just nods at my cryptic response and makes his way through the front door.
“Alright, man. Whatever you say. Just promise me one thing?” He cocks a joking eyebrow at me. “Let’s put a lid on all this girly shit. I’m here for you, but next time, we do this over a few beers and a fight.”
He holds out his fisted hand which I bump with mine and say, “Deal.”
The next morning, after some soul searching and a nice hot shower – one that I wish Maddy was in with me – I feel renewed and energized.
Backing Jack’s truck out of the driveway, I crank up the music and head down a road I thought I would never travel ever again.
Slowly but surely, I’m healing. Well, physically at least. Emotionally, I’m still a wreck. I feel numb most of the time. Lost in a fog of pain, I miss Reid more than words can describe. I’m trying to figure out how to make things better, but my heart has been shattered and I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve held the phone in my hand, fingers hovering above the buttons to dial Reid countless times since I pushed him away, but I never gain enough strength or courage to actually dial.
So here I am. Day two without Reid and I still feel lost and defeated.
On the bright side, some of my physical pain has subsided. Lots of rest and Momma’s TLC have been a huge help in my recuperation. Momma went back to work yesterday so Mel and I have had some time to catch up. And, yes, by catch up I mean I finally told her that I’m pregnant.
She reacted as any best friend would – with tears, hugs, disbelief laced with excitement while she tried to figure out how I’m feeling about it. Even though I’m still trying to sort through all of that other stuff, I’ve most definitely decided that I’m happy about this baby. I don’t ever want to feel guilty that I didn’t love my child as much as I possibly could from the moment I knew about him, or her for that matter.
Pushing my despair over my current situation with Reid down into the pit of my belly, I know that I have to get moving on to some fairly important tasks. My checklist for this morning addresses those simple tasks. Call the doctor to make an appointment and find a job. I should
probably do those in the reverse order. There’s no way I’ll be able to pay for the doctor if I don’t get the job first.
Mel knocks lightly on my door before she enters. I’ve healed enough to be able to make it up to my room finally, and it’s nice to have a little privacy.
“Hey.” She smiles warmly at me as she hands me a cup of tea. Her hair is a mess and she looks adorable in her pink flannel pajama bottoms and oversized Disney princess t-shirt.
She sits next to me on the bed and crawls under the covers with me. When I first moved here, we shared the same room, the same purple atrocity of a bed. It took Momma a few days to get me my own bed and set the guest room up, but even when she did, Mel and I would usually sleep in the same room at night. She’s the sister I never had and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way about me.
She picks up the remote and clicks on an episode of Maury – another “Who’s the Father” episode. Come to think of it, I don’t think there are any other kinds of Maury episodes. These have always been our guilty pleasure, whenever we had the chance to catch them. Suddenly, they have an entirely different meaning.
As if she’s just stepped on a landmine, Mel fumbles to change the channel. “Sorry, Maddy. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s okay, Mel, really.” I roll my eyes at her. “I mean I know who the father is. I may not know where he is, but I know who he is.” I sit up a bit straighter in the bed and take a sip of my tea. I wonder when the morning sickness will start, not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’d be nice to know.
Mel shifts on her side of the bed. Sliding one leg under the other, she faces me. “So, have you thought about what you’re going to do?” Her eyes are full of warmth and genuine concern.
I begin twirling a strand of hair in my fingers, a nervous habit. “Actually, yeah I have. I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot, non-stop actually, and I’ve finally made up my mind about it all.” I let out a pent up breath. I need to feel like I can finally breathe again.
She leans in and reaches out for my hand. “So tell me. What’s your plan?”
“I’m going to come home. I can’t go back to school next month. I have to get a job and start saving. I talked to Momma about it last night and she said I could stay here for as long as I wanted to. I’ll take night classes this semester and then in the fall, after the baby is born, I’ll just have to see how that works out.” I see the dejected look on her face. I know that she was holding out hope that I would go back to Ithaca with her. We practically had to beg the housing department to let us room together. They have this policy that all freshmen are randomly assigned roommates. I feel bad leaving her, but I know she’ll survive.
“Well, that’s not the answer I was hoping for, but it’s the one I expected. I know you’re doing the right thing, Maddy.” She averts her eyes to try and hide her disappointment. When she gains her sense of composure, she looks back at me and asks, “What about Reid though? When are you going to tell him about these plans? Have you even spoken to him since you left the hospital?”
Rolling my eyes yet again, I say, “No I haven’t. I’ve been a chicken shit. I don’t know what to say to him either. ‘I’m sorry for pushing you away and making you leave’ just doesn’t seem like it’ll be enough to fix things.” I shrug my shoulders at the hopelessness of my situation.
I can see a plan brewing in her brain as she taps her finger on her lower lip. “So why don’t you just go there? I mean we have to go get your car back anyway. I got most of the stuff from our room packed, but if you’re not going back next semester, you’re going to need to pack up the rest. It’s not that far of a drive. Plus it’ll do you some good to get out of the house for a bit.” She’s latched on to this idea and I’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell at making her let go of it.
I slide out of bed and stretch. My ribs are no longer sore, well not as sore as they were initially anyway. I think about her idea and she’s right; I do need to get my things and my car. Plus, I can just go to Reid’s and talk to him. Maybe I’ll be able to convince him to take me back – after I beg and grovel at his feet. I can only hope at this point.
“Okay, let’s do it.” Mel’s smile at my agreement is huge and it practically lights up the room.
She bounces out of bed and goes to shower before we leave. I’m nervous and scared and excited all at the same time. Forget morning sickness! I’m already sick to my stomach just thinking about what to say to Reid when I see him again.
Mel and I spend the hour long drive back to Ithaca listening to the radio and singing along. I think she knows that I’m not in the mood to talk much. Honestly, I just want to work out what I plan on saying to Reid.
Pulling up into our dorm parking lot, I see my beat up old Civic and notice that Cammie and Lia’s cars are parked right next to it. They’ve been checking in with Mel to see how I’m doing practically non-stop. They’re both flying down to Florida tomorrow for some big family vacation, so needless to say, they’re extremely excited that they’re going to see me one last time before they leave. I’m so glad that they’re here. I could use some girl time before I go over to Reid’s. Plus, I need to tell them that I won’t be back for the spring semester.
Mel and I climb the three flights of stairs up to our room and she slides the key into the lock. Lia and Cammie are lounging on the couch in the living room watching some gossip television show, but when they see us in the door way, they practically jump out of their seats and race over to us.
Feeling my involuntary wince and gasp, they immediately step back. I know they didn’t mean to hurt me, but my ribs are still freaking sore.
“Oh God, I’m so sorry, Maddy. It’s just that… well I’m just so excited to see you again.” Cammie holds me at arm’s length as if she’s inspecting me. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m good. A lot less sore than I was, but not healed all the way just yet. And this thing,” I hold up my still casted arm, “is a freaking pain in the ass. Do you know how hard it is to wash your hair with one hand?” I walk over to the couch and ease myself down into its soft cushions. After an hour in the car, my back is killing me. I guess I’m not as healed as I thought I was.
Melanie sits on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Lia plops down on the couch next to me and hands me a bottle of water. Cammie sits on the coffee table in front of me and just looks at me. Nobody says anything and it’s putting me on edge. The silence stretches, long and uncomfortably.
I finally break it. “What’s wrong guys? Why are you just staring at me? You’re kind of freaking me out a little.” I shift nervously on the couch and nestle myself into the corner.
Cammie and Lia share a conspiratorial glance before saying anything. An entire conversation passes between them in that glance and it makes me even more uneasy.
Cammie clears her throat and speaks up timidly. “When we were driving back from Long Island the other day I …I…well I overheard Jack and Reid talking. They thought I was asleep and I was; I swear I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop. But I heard… well I heard…” She’s stumbling over her words obviously nervous about what she has to say.
I have an idea of what she’s trying to say so I interrupt her. “I’m pregnant. Is that what you heard?” There’s no anger in my voice. There’s nothing to be angry about, at least that’s how I’m choosing to look at it.
Cammie nods guiltily at me. I tell her, “It’s okay. If you didn’t find out from Reid, then I would have told you just now. You and Lia are my best friends. Of course I would tell you.” I can see the relief pass across her face.
“So who’s the baby daddy?” Lia arches a playful eyebrow at me. You can always count on Lia for trying to lighten the mood.
“Ha-ha! Very funny, Lia.” I smack her playfully on the arm and we all share a small laugh.
“Well, now that it’s out in the open, I actually have something else to say.” I pause briefly trying to steady my shaking voice. “I won’t be back next month.” Their faces fall a
nd their mouths open as the shock of my decision washes over them. Melanie moves to stand behind me on the couch. She places a hand on my shoulder. It gives me strength knowing that she’s behind me. Both Cammie and Lia begin to speak almost simultaneously, but I speak before they can get anything intelligible out.
“Before you guys say anything, please know that I thought about this from every angle. I know you would help me and I love you both so much for that, but I can’t just think about me. I need to start working now so I can get insurance and start seeing a doctor and I need to save as much money as possible so that I can provide for this baby. Here is just not the place to try and do that.” I see the tears gathering in their eyes as they swallow back their protests.
“But what about Reid? Are you guys done? I’ve never seen him as happy as I have with you.” I’m surprised at Lia’s defense of Reid.
“No. I don’t want to end things with Reid. I know that’s what I told him, but I don’t want to. I was angry and hurt at his reaction and I was just as confused as he was. I don’t want to keep pushing him away and that’s exactly what I did. Momma actually made me realize it.” I look up at Melanie feeling so unbelievably thankful that I have her and Momma in my life.
All of a sudden, Cammie looks nervous and she gets up from where she was sitting and starts pacing the room. She’s wringing her hands together and her brows are knit in utter confusion.
I stand up and walk over to her. “What’s wrong, Cam?” I know we’re close, but I really didn’t think my leaving would bother her this much.
“You mean you haven’t seen Reid?” Her eyes bore into mine.
I was kidding myself if I thought I was nervous before. “No, I haven’t seen him. Was I supposed to?” I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.
Let Love Stay Page 3
