Pr31Mom: Like what?
JocelynM: Don’t know yet. I’m sure we’ll get to find out. It’s part of the joys of an email loop.
lnstant Message
ZeeMuzzy: hey joc, did you see ros and hannah’s little spat? just like old times!
JocelynM: Yeah, just read it.
lnstant Message
Pr31Mom: We need to talk by phone about planning for the retreat/meet-up. Will you be available this evening?
JocelynM: How about tomorrow—during the day or evening is fine.
Pr31Mom: Okay. Oh, that’s right—you always chat with Zelia on Monday nights.
JocelynM: I didn’t know you knew about that.
Pr31Mom: I try to keep tabs on what’s going on with the loop. Does Zelia ever…you know, mention me or anything?
Instant Message
ZeeMuzzy: still determined to work with her? it sounds like she’s regressing.
JocelynM: Wouldn’t you if a 19 year old basically called you elderly in front of everyone? Give Ros a break.
ZeeMuzzy: not a chance. and i think you’re insane to coordinate this retreat with her. it will end in disaster—trust me. anything with rosalyn at the helm is bound to end in disaster.
Instant Message
JocelynM: Sometimes, Ros. She mentions you occasionally.
Pr31Mom: Probably not in a positive way.
JocelynM: Z is going through a tough time right now. I think she’ll come around eventually.
Pr31Mom: I think you’re more optimistic than I am.
From: VIM
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Need Birthday Party Ideas
Howdy girls,
I don’t know about y’all, but around here, the hobby du jour seems to be planning elaborate birthday parties for fun and relaxation.
My stepdaughter, Ashley, is turning thirteen in a couple of months, and she’s already campaigning for a big blowout bash. It started last week when her friend Libby threw a thirteenth birthday party that had a “magazine shoot” theme to it.
They dolled these little girls up like models, hired some fancy-schmancy photographer (who was NOT my husband!) to do a photo shoot, complete with hair-blowing fans, designer clothing and makeup and hair artists.
Then, as if that wasn’t enough, they compiled it all into a “magazine” with the birthday girl as the front cover and sent each guest a copy. Ours arrived today. Ashley has been clutching it all day as if it were her dearest possession and begging us to “do something just as cool.”
And when I suggested maybe her dad could do something similar, since he is one of Houston’s top photographers, she was appalled. “But Veronica!” she wailed, “That would be copying! Nobody would want to come and they’d all make fun of me!”
Poor child was almost in tears. Okay, fine. No photo shoot. But what are we going to do to equal that? I’m not sure we can afford to top it! That party cost thousands of dollars, I’m sure. For a BIRTHDAY PARTY! And it’s not like we’re all filthy rich, either.
So if you have any good ideas, send them my way. My suggestion was to get all her friends together, throw them downstairs in the rec room with some balloons and streamers, pizza and music, and let them play “spin the bottle.”
Frank said something in Italian that I think was the equivalent of “Over my dead shotgun!” But I wasn’t sure.
So I don’t get any relaxing until I have secured my daughter’s social future with a kicking birthday party. Help!
Veronica
Loophole Groups: SAHM I Am Chat Room
(Dulcie has entered the room)
Dulcie: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. But I just signed that big account! You know—the one where the husband thought I was the illegal cleaning lady?
*Zelia high-fives Dulcie*
Zelia: way 2 go, girlie! but are you sure you WANT to work with them?
Dulcie: Oh, it actually worked out perfect. The wife could tell I was really angry, and she figured out pretty quick that her husband had offended me. She was so mortified that she gave me a bonus if I’d still work with them!
Jocelyn: That’s awesome. Before we know it, you’ll be the hottest designer around—and we’ll be like “Oh, yes, we’re Ms. Huckleberry’s particular friends. Known her for years.” And everyone will be so impressed.
Dulcie: You have obviously been inhaling too much cleaning solution today, Joc.
Brenna: That rocks, Dulcie. When do you start?
Dulcie: Next week. Hey, how is little Pat doing? I know you were worried about his development.
Brenna: About the same. Darren doesn’t say much about it, but he watches Pat a lot. Gets impatient with him when he can’t do something that Tess can do. Makes me want to shake him! Darren, of course, not Pat.
Dulcie: I’m sorry.
*Dulcie hugs Brenna*
Brenna: Thanks. But Phyllis here was just telling us about how her class is going—with that professor who hates her.
Phyllis: Not good. She went on a huge rant today about how misogynistic Martin Luther was. She glared at ME the whole time! As if I had anything to do with it! I know Luther was a chauvinist. Pretty much all men were at that time. Why does she have to assume I think that’s terrific?
Marianne: Because you’re the evil evangelical pastor’s wife, so it must be your fault.
Phyllis: I’m so sick of her judging me according to my husband’s job.
Zelia: pretty hypocritical attitude for a feminist.
Phyllis: Exactly!
Jocelyn: I’ve got news— Ros and I decided the retreat is going to be in Colorado Springs.
Zelia: oh sure. make it easiest for yourself to get there! what about those of us on the east coast?
Jocelyn: Hey, it would be hard to plan if we didn’t have it in one of our towns. Would you rather have gone all the way to Washington?
Zelia: i just don’t know if this whole retreat thing is a good idea. what does shane think about it?
Jocelyn: He thought it sounded cool. Why wouldn’t he?
(Hannah has entered the room)
Hannah: Hi everybody!
Dulcie: Hi… Hannah. This is a big surprise.
*Dulcie Whispers to Zelia*: Did you invite her? What is she doing here?
Marianne: How are you, Hannah? How’s Boaz?
Hannah: Boaz is terrific. He rolled over today! That’s almost a whole month early. He’s SOOO advanced!
Marianne: Well, that’s special.
*Zelia Whispers to Dulcie*: i didn’t invite the chick! i have no idea why she’s here.
Brenna: Do you often check the chat room, Hannah?
Hannah: Actually, I made this nifty little plug-in that tells me when anyone is in the chat room. I just got the alert, and would have been here sooner, but had to finish nursing Boaz.
Brenna: I had NO idea that was possible.
*Brenna Whispers to Dulcie*: She’s spying on us? How do we get rid of her?
*Dulcie Whispers to Brenna*: I don’t know. I don’t want to be rude to her.
Hannah: So what’s everyone chatting about?
Jocelyn: Oh you know, just stuff. Nothing important.
Hannah: That’s great! I didn’t expect any of you to be so up on technology.
Jocelyn: Yeah, we noticed today. You know, we’re not THAT much older than you. We do know how to do stuff online.
Hannah: I SO keep forgetting that! You all seem a lot older.
*Phyllis Whispers to Dulcie*: I cannot deal with this tonight. Please do me a huge favor and get rid of her somehow.
*Dulcie Whispers to Phyllis*: Why do you all think I can do it?
Hannah: Hey, I was just reading this super-cool article in The Journal of Child Development—which I started subscribing to this month. It’s about how you can actually help your baby’s language development by showing them genuine emotion when you talk to them.
*Brenna Whispers to Dulcie*: Shoot. Me. Now.
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Phyllis: I feel almost sorry for her. I mean, she’s walked into the middle of a private chat and has no idea none of us want her here. One of us has to do something.
Marianne: PHYLLIS!!!
Hannah: I think you already did do something, Phyllis.
Zelia: well, this is awkward.
Hannah: Were you all “whispering” behind my back?
Jocelyn: We’re sorry, Hannah. We’ve been having Monday-night chats for years. Nobody ever joined us before.
Hannah: And that gives you the right to totally humiliate me?
Phyllis: I am so sorry, Hannah. It wasn’t right for us to do that.
Hannah: I think you are a very poor example of a pastor’s wife, Phyllis. You don’t do ANY of the stuff a good PW is supposed to do, and you make your husband look HORRIBLE because of it!
Phyllis: Do you have any idea what it’s like to be in my position? You want to know why you don’t get invited to chats, and why we weren’t all jumping up and down to see you? Comments like that, little girl. Do us all a favor and grow up. Adults know the world isn’t black and white. Stop acting like the teen you are.
Hannah: You are all horrible, mean people! You think you’re so mature. But you’re just like the popular clique in high school—only you have wrinkles and stretch marks and wear baby spit up on your clothes!
Dulcie: Whoa! Everyone calm down. Hannah, Phyllis has had a really rough day. She didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. We all totally screwed up this evening. I think the best thing to do would be
(Hannah has left the chat room)
to give each other lots of grace and start over.
Brenna: Guess this means our chat is over for the night, huh?
Phyllis: I am SO horrified. I totally lost it. My hands are shaking and I think I’m going to go cry. I’ve never been that mean to anyone in my life! I’ll email her and try to smooth things over.
Marianne: We were all guilty, Phyllis. You’re just the one that got caught. I’ll try to email her, too. I get along pretty well with her overall.
Dulcie: I think we probably all owe her apology emails. Maybe even chocolate. :(
*Dulcie hugs Phyllis*
Jocelyn: You guys, Hannah’s right.
Zelia: speak for yourself—i don’t have any stretch marks!
Jocelyn: I’m serious, Z. We’ve been behaving just like those girls we couldn’t stand in high school.
Dulcie: No we have not.
Jocelyn: I think so. For years, what have we done about Rosalyn? Nothing except talk about her among ourselves.
Brenna: We’ve always tried to be fairly nice. And you know she CAN be difficult. We needed a support group!
Jocelyn: I’ve been talking to Rosalyn more lately because of the retreat stuff. I think she—and Hannah—need friends. Friends who won’t backstab them.
Marianne: Maybe we should just all call it a night, apologize to Hannah, and start over tomorrow.
Zelia: well, if jocelyn is going to be all sensitive about everything from now on, i’m not sure if it’s even worth keeping our monday chat tradition going. and besides, we’ll have to find a new chat room anyway, because this one is under surveillance.
Phyllis: Marianne’s suggestion is a good one. I need to go— I feel ill. Good night all.
(Phyllis has left the chat room)
(Marianne has left the chat room)
(Jocelyn has left the chat room)
(Zelia has left the chat room)
(Brenna has left the chat room)
Dulcie: I was going to ask for some advice—about Tom. But it’s just me, posting to myself. Pathetic. What a wretched evening.
(Dulcie has left the chat room)
From: Hannah Farrell
To: Kristina Shaw
Subject: I’m miserable
Do you know how jealous I am of you right now, Krissy? I would give absolutely ANYTHING to trade positions with you. Nobody takes me seriously, not even Bradley. He’s always so busy with work, and he thinks he’s such a big shot because he has a bachelor’s in business administration. He treats me like I’m slightly retarded.
The moms at church are nice, but my mind feels like it’s being smothered when I’m around them.
And this mom loop I’m on! I think they hate me because some of them have kids close to my age. Some of them are really smart, but I just don’t fit in. I’ve tried and tried and tried. But they treat me like I’m some sort of mosquito they can’t get rid of. They did their best to squish me tonight, though.
Bradley came in a minute ago. He didn’t even notice I’m crying. He just wanted to know if I’d loaded the dishwasher yet or not, because he had a mug that needed washing. I notice he left it on the table for me to load.
Is this what I have to look forward to? An endless round of dishes, laundry, diapers and feedings? A husband who couldn’t care less, and always feeling like I don’t belong?
Krissy, I’m dying here. I’m trapped, and there’s nothing I can do about it. What did I do wrong? I tried to do everything the right way, and it’s all falling to pieces.
I think I made a huge mistake.
Wish you were here,
Hannah
From: Kristina Shaw
To: Hannah Farrell
Subject: Re: I’m miserable
Hey girl,
I’m sorry u r having such a tough time right now. Wish I could be there for you. I can’t write long—a bunch of us are going scuba diving in about a half hour. I’m miserable, too, actually—-just thinking about how I’ve only got two weeks left before leaving Hawaii. The summer has gone by soooooo fast! Waaahhh!!!
I thought I was going to have a week at home before going back to school, but one of the girls on my team here invited me to stay with her a week. She’s from Maine. I’m so excited about visiting there! So I won’t get to see you. But maybe over Christmas we can get together, okay?
Hang in there— I’m sure Bradley loves you. You just need to tell him how you’re feeling. It’s probably how all new moms feel. It’ll get better. And don’t worry about all those other moms—they’re just jealous because you’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. Probably a midlife crisis thing, you think?
Anyway, gotta run. Maybe I can call you later this week, okay?
Love,
Krissy
From: P. Lorimer
To: Hannah Farrell
Subject: I am sorry.
Dear Hannah,
I don’t know what else to say. I am truly, truly sorry for what happened yesterday evening. You are completely justified in your hurt and anger. What I did and what I said to you was inexcusable. Not because I’m married to a pastor, but because I am a follower of Jesus. And as we both know, Jesus would NOT have done that to you. I’m sorry I was such a poor example of Him to you.
I don’t expect you to move past this quickly. But I really sense that there’s a lot of hurt and stress in your life, even without the pain we’ve added. I would like to make restitution in some small way by being your friend and by supporting you however I can.
Would you be willing to let me do that? I’d like to prove to you that I’m not the monster I acted like last night. I feel absolutely ill about the whole thing. Please let me know what I can do to make it right.
Sincerely,
Phyllis Lorimer
From: Hannah Farrell
To: P. Lorimer
Subject: Re: I am sorry.
Phyllis,
I forgive you. Not because I’m over it, but because I’m supposed to forgive people. I don’t really feel like being friends with you. But I was griping to my friend Krissy on Monday night that I don’t have any real mom friends. And maybe this is God’s weird way of solving that problem.
But I don’t think I want to start being friends until next week, okay? I need a few more days.
You want to know what hurt me the most? I thought you were the coolest person on the SAHM loop! Not only are you a pastor’s wife (I think it’s pretty special), but you must be really smart, too, to be going to school for a Ph.D. I know I get snarky about it, but I think I’m jealous. I gave up college to marry Bradley. But I could have done great in college. I’m like totally a brainiac.
So anyway, you were the one mom I really admired beyond everyone else on the loop. And so what you said hurt me even worse. That’s not really your fault because I totally should know better than to put people on pedestals. But no worries of that happening now.
If you want to start being friends next week, you can e-mail me on Sunday. But I don’t think we should take it very fast. You understand, don’t you?
Thank you for e-mailing me and apologizing. It was a very nice thing to do. I’m not that brave.
Okay then…until next week,
Hannah
From: Rosalyn Ebberly
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] TOTW
August 10: Household budgets
Savvy SAHMmies,
I have been learning that one of the prime reasons we SAHMs are prone to depression is that we often feel a lack of empowerment. After all, we are completely dependent on our hubbies to provide financially for us. I used to think that was the way it was meant to be—that I’d be happier to have all that taken care of for me.
But my therapist (who really is brilliant) has been helping me to see that I need to be involved in financial decision making in our family.
So Chad and I have started doing our budget together. And you know what? I DO feel empowered! I came up with a simple budgeting system that I’m thinking of patenting and selling because it’s just so intuitive and effective. But since I love you all so much, I’m going to let you have it for free.
First, you have to
Step One: Pull out all your bills, receipts, check stubs, and check carbons. Then get ledger paper or a spreadsheet and start entering in all the stuff you bought or bills you paid.
Step Two: Color code all your purchases according to what category they fit in. Then group your categories into “S”—for “set expenses,” or “V”—for “variable expenses.”
Play It Again, SAHM Page 8
