A dad who is discouraged about counseling and quit going and is threatening to stop paying for the rest of the family to go because he didn’t get the results he was hoping for;
A mom who just wants to be happy and wants her family to be happy, and who is starting to care less and less about what other people think about them or about being the “best” family in the world. She just wants them to STAY a family.
These are just typical examples, you know, of the sort of thing your average family faces every single day.
We’re going to be using the “4-Round” method. Family Meetings are supposed to be democratic, so everyone gets to take turns facilitating the different meetings. The first round, we go around and everyone gets to say something that made them feel good that week. Then the second round, each person gets to share something that bothered them this week. Third round, we share something we want to work on or improve this week, with Action Plans. And fourth round is discussing our schedule for the week.
The goal is to make each member of the family feel empowered and a full-fledged partner in the family-creation continuum.
How many of you do regular family meetings? What method do you use? If you don’t do family meetings, why not try it out and report back to us on how it goes?
Your Mother of Meetings,
Rosalyn Ebberly
SAHM I Am Loop Moderator
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.” Proverbs 14:1 (NASB)
From: Brenna L
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings
Maybe I should throw a two-hour tantrum for not knowing the meaning of the word coelenterate.
Seriously, I think a family meeting might be a good idea. Except what do you do with toddlers? Little Tess is starting to talk, but of course, Little Pat isn’t saying a word. *sigh* I think most of our meeting would be taken up with Darren’s angst about that. Maybe I DON’T want a family meeting. Sometimes conflict avoidance is okay, don’t you think?
Brenna
From: Hannah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings
Coelenterate is like a jellyfish or coral or sea anemone.
Boaz is too little to have meetings with, but I would be glad to start the tradition with Bradley. Unfortunately, he is too busy with work right now. I tried to get him to do date nights with me, but he didn’t seem interested. He said as long as there was a hot dinner waiting for him at home, he was happy.
Do you think it was, like, wrong of me to be upset about that?
Hannah
From: Brenna L
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings
Hannah,
Figures you’d be a wordsmith,, as well as a mathematician. But honey, seriously… YES you should be upset at Bradley! What does he take you for—the live-in maid? Get a spine, girlfriend, and let him know that makes you feel neglected.
Brenna
From: Hannah Farrell
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings
Brenna,
When your BFF is in college to be a marine biologist, you pick it up after a while.
As far as letting Bradley know how I feel, well, it’s not like I’m all mad at him or anything! He’s my Bradley-sweet-ykins, and I just felt a little upset that he wasn’t as excited about date night as I was. But I think that, you know, talking about my needing to get a “spine” is a bit much coming from you, Miss “Sometimes conflict-avoidance is okay, don’t you think?” :) I don’t think it’s nice to be all like “You should do this” when you won’t do it yourself.
Hannah
From: Brenna L
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] TOTW October 5: Family Meetings
Grrrr. The child is right. You guys aren’t going to make me actually admit it on-loop, though, are you?
Brenna
Instant Message
Pr31Mom: Hi Jocelyn, I’m glad you’re online.
JocelynM: Yeah, what’s up?
Pr31Mom: I’ve been looking through all these proposals for workshops for the retreat. There are a LOT of them!
JocelynM: We had a great response, didn’t we?
Pr31Mom: Yes. And so I was thinking
JocelynM: Uh-oh…
Pr31Mom: What?
JocelynM: Every time you start thinking, it invariably makes my life more complicated.
Pr31Mom: Sorry. I didn’t realize my ideas were so offensive to you.
JocelynM: Whoa there! I was teasing you. Hasn’t your therapist worked with you on how to laugh at yourself?
Pr31Mom: We haven’t gotten to that point yet, no.
JocelynM: After TWO years?
Pr31Mom: Yeah, I decided working through suicidal depression and a marriage on the brink of divorce would be easier. Slacker that I am.
JocelynM: Wow. I’m sorry.
Pr31Mom: Anyway, I was thinking since we have so many workshop ideas, why not just see if the hotel will let us have an extra meeting room? Then we can have two workshops running at the same time, sort of like a mini conference.
Pr31Mom: Also, I just found out through one of our loop members that we can book a certain nationally-known women’s speaker to be our keynote address, if we want.
JocelynM: Keynote? I don’t know, Ros. That’s getting pretty complicated. Who is it?
Pr31Mom: Kathy Keller.
JocelynM: Oh. My. Goodness. Ros, that’s amazing—but we CANNOT afford her! That woman fills stadiums that would make a rock star jealous! We couldn’t afford her pinky finger, much less her entire self!
Pr31Mom: She happens to be the cousin of one of our loop members, and she’s got young kids herself. She offered us a fantastic discount. We’d be fools to say no.
JocelynM: We’ll have a lot of women come just to see her. That’s going to mean re-negotiating our contract with the hotel, you know. We’ll need more room.
Pr31Mom: Yeah, but you said there weren’t any other large groups using the conference facilities that weekend. It should be okay.
JocelynM: It’s going to cost more, too.
Pr31Mom: With Kathy Keller, I think we’ll get enough attendees to cover it.
JocelynM: You THINK? You do realize that I’ve paid the entire deposit out of my own pocket, right? And that makes me responsible for the ENTIRE amount, regardless of whether or not we get enough women to show? And if we make it too expensive, not enough people will come, and then I will be left holding the bag, and Shane is going to be furious at me for bankrupting our family!!!
Pr31Mom: Gee, now who needs therapy? Stop worrying. No wonder Shane keeps trying to get you to slow down—you stress too much about everything.
JocelynM: I just think it’s incredibly risky.
Pr31Mom: Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Our group will love the extra choices. And besides, anyone who is doing a workshop has to come, so we’ll have at least that many guaranteed to be there. Plus, with Kathy coming—we’ll be turning people away, not begging them to come!
JocelynM: You have your heart set on this, don’t you.
Pr31Mom: Trust me. It will work out just fine.
JocelynM: You’d better hope it does.
From: Iona James
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Cast aside
Jeremy told me today that he thinks I should spend more time taking care of the Angel Child instead of writing song lyrics for the band. And he wants me to get a full-time job, too!
I said if I had to give
up my art and get a job then he should, too. And it hurt me when he seemed confused by that. “But my art IS a paying job.”
He’s right. Before the Angel Child, we could live quite comfortably on the $200 a week or so that his playing gigs and my part-time work at the coffee shop brought in. And there was always a little extra cash from the random sale of one of the band’s CDs.
But Angel Child has yet to appreciate the joy of living simply. He needs so much! And we want to give him good quality organic food and hemp diapers and natural baby lotion and all the other assorted accessories that go along with a baby. It’s NOT simple! It seems we can’t go for even a week without realizing there is something we need for the baby.
So we are slowly being crushed into the suburban mold, and Jeremy is on the verge of giving in to it completely. He thinks we need more space, more money, more…everything.
It used to be that if we had a few extra dollars, we’d give it away to a charity or someone in need. Now we put it all toward the Angel Child.
I didn’t want to live like this. I don’t like all the trappings of materialism. I don’t WANT to drive an SUV and contribute to global climate change! All I ever wanted was to live in bliss with the sunlight of my life and write poetry and lyrics for his band. I never wanted possessions or a fancy place to live.
And now, I am angry—at Jeremy for pressuring me, and at the Angel Child for making it a necessity. That makes me feel like a horrible person. How can I be angry at my own family? I love them! How can I resent the needs of a helpless little being? Do I love my art more? If I did not, then I don’t think I would be so angry.
Why is it that I must be the one to give up my art to raise a child? Shouldn’t we both be making these sacrifices?
Somehow, I have to find a way to speak through the smoke of our argument and extinguish the fire causing it. This never happened before the Angel Child. And that makes me angry, too. And frightened because surely it’s an unforgivable thing to be angry at a child.
Iona James
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Cast aside
Iona,
It’s never, ever unforgivable to be mad at your kids. Believe me, babe—if it were, we’d all be in big trouble!
And I get why you’re upset—no woman should ever be pressured to give up her art for her child. If it’s really necessary, any good mom (including YOU) would sacrifice everything, including art, for their child. But you’re mad because you know deep down it’s not necessary. There are other ways to do what you need to do without giving up part of who you are to do it. And you’re right—sacrifices should be made by both parents, not just one.
I sort of had to help Tristan understand this. I am a very artistic person, too, and Tristan is so not. He didn’t always see why it was so important to me. But you are in a much better position because your husband is also artistic, so he can understand why it’s important to you.
Tristan came around because he loves me and because I told him honestly how it made me feel to be asked to give up something so important to me. I imagine if you talked with Jeremy and told him how you feel, you two could work out a compromise.
And don’t forget—even though a child IS more expensive than just you guys on your own, there’s lots of ways to save money and still have good quality baby supplies. You’re a creative person—you’ll find ways of doing it.
I’m really glad you shared what you’re going through with us. It’s nice to get to know you a little better.
Z
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Cast aside
Hi Iona,
Dulcie and I know how tough this can be. We had to get pretty creative to figure out a way for her to do her interior design business and still make sure the kids were taken care of.
We ended up with me staying home with the kids and her working from home. And now, I want to develop my “creative” side, too, by making furniture and stuff. So we’re working on a way for me to get the training and network I need in order to do that. I think that’s what being married and being a family is all about—working together so everyone gets to do what they’ve been created to do.
Maybe you could figure out how to make money from your poetry and then you could work from home, too? Just an idea.
Tom
From: Iona James
To: Zelia Muzuwa
Subject: You are a blessing!
Both of you gave me such hope today. I WILL talk to Jeremy. And I do so love the Angel Child—even when I am angry and frustrated. And I love Jeremy, too. We both are still learning how to be parents and spouses and friends. It helps greatly to hear how other people like you manage it.
Thank you. You’ve been part of God’s Divine Grace to me today.
Iona James
From: Jeanine Hash
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Can you take our kids in March?
Hi Dulcie, sweetie,
I got your e-mail! It was so nice of you to think of Morris and me taking the girls. We would LOVE to have them so you can go to your retreat. We’ll play dress-up and have a tea party and watch movies! Do you think they’d like Beach Blanket Bingo or How To Stuff a Wild Bikini? Can’t beat Frankie and Annette!
This will be SO FUN!!!
Love,
Mom Hash
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: Jeanine Hash
Subject: Re: Can you take our kids in March?
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!! You are terrific! You are the absolute best mother-in-law in the world!!!
However, regarding movies…since MacKenzie is only six, and the twins are just four, I don’t really think beach movies are appropriate for them.
Thanks SO much!!!
Dulcie
From: Jeanine Hash
To: Dulcie Huckleberry
Subject: Re: Can you take our kids in March?
Of course! Silly me. What about Gidget? I know—we could have a SURFING-THEMED TEA PARTY!!!
Mom
From: Dulcie Huckleberry
To: “Green Eggs and Ham”
Subject: Surfs Up
I just want to say that this retreat had better be AMAZING because I’m going to come home to three little girls running around in bikinis pretending that they’re surfing with Moondoggie and the Big Kahuna.
Stuff of nightmares.
Dulcie
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: [SAHM I AM] Question for the moms
Hi ladies,
It’s me, the SAHD. I have a question. Anyone know how to get grease stains out of a fancy dress? Haley and Aidan were playing dress-up in their brand-new Sunday dresses (yes, I know I should have caught that sooner) and they came down to the kitchen and grabbed the can of hamburger grease on the cabinet (yes, I realize it should have been kept out of their reach— I’d been fixing supper earlier and left it). They fought over it and ended up dumping the entire can on each other. Wasn’t hot enough to burn them, thankfully, but the dresses are soaked.
Any suggestions?
Tom
From: Zelia Muzuwa
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Question for the moms
Hey Tom!
Liquid dish soap should do it. Just soak the dresses in it for about a half hour and then wash them with some dish soap and regular detergent. Dish soap is a great degreaser.
>
Zelia
From: P. Lorimer
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Question for the moms
Hi Tom,
In addition to Zelia’s suggestion, I would advise that you try some baby powder. Sprinkle it over the dresses while you soak them. That should help.
Phyllis
From: The Millards
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Question for the moms
Poor guy! Cooking grease is a pain to deal with. Especially that much of it. I think the other suggestions you’ve gotten are good. You also might try a can of cola. Put it in the wash and it should degrease everything.
Let us know how it turns out!
Jocelyn
From: Thomas Huckleberry
To: SAHM I Am
Subject: Re: [SAHM I AM] Question for the moms
Hello again,
You gals wanted an update. Here you go.
First, I coated the dresses with dish soap—actually drenched them both in straight dish soap. Then I dumped nearly an entire large container of baby powder over the top of that. It made sort of a paste over the dresses, but I wasn’t worried.
Then I put most of the rest of the bottle of dish soap into the washing machine, along with extra detergent, and an entire six-pack of cola, and set everything to warm. (Was going to do hot but then remembered that it might shrink the dresses.) Put the dresses in. Washed them.
Not too many minutes later, I smelled a weird sweet soapy burned smell from the basement. Went to check. Sticky soap suds had FILLED the wash room and were oozing out into the rest of the basement.
Apparently, I overdid it on the dish soap and the cola.
Now we have to pay to have the basement carpet cleaned. And when the cola-dish-soap-powder brew overflowed, it got into the electronics of the machine and shorted out the timer, which caused the burned smell. We’re lucky I didn’t burn the house down! However, now we need a new machine.
And the dresses are still toast.
Play It Again, SAHM Page 14
