“You don’t really believe that?” Her voice drops. “You are nothing like your father.”
I’m frustrated by her lack of understanding. It’s obvious that she wants to sweep this incident under the rug and pretend it never happened.
Well, I can’t do that.
“I’ve always lived my life by a strict set of rules. And tonight, I blew them to hell. They didn’t even exist,” I ground out.
In the blink of an eye, my life has spun so far out of control that I barely recognize it.
“Who am I if I can’t hold myself in check?” I ask. “What makes me any different than my father?”
“That guy didn’t give you a choice in the matter,” she shoots back.
Maybe she believes that, but I don’t.
I shake my head. “There is always a choice.” Desperation eats me alive. “And to say that there isn’t, is to abstain yourself of responsibility.”
“Oh, Carter…” she whispers.
When she reaches out to touch me, I flinch from the contact. The last thing I want is Daisy’s comfort. I don’t deserve it. Her eyes fill with unshed tears as she retracts her hand, tucking it back around her knees.
“I don’t know how to make this better,” she admits, her voice thick with emotion.
For the first time since she’s taken a seat beside me, I turn my head and meet her eyes.
“There’s nothing you can do. What happened tonight,” I shake my head as disgust crashes through me. “It can’t happen again. I don’t lose control like that.” Bile rises in my throat because I know exactly what can happen when it does.
I rip my gaze from hers and stare into the darkness. This place has always been a balm for me. I’ve always been able to pull myself back together again, but it’s not happening this time.
I’m a mess.
“You are nothing like your father,” she growls.
But that’s the thing, how different can we be if I was so quick to violence? If I resorted to using my fists without giving it a second thought?
“We’re more alike than I want to believe.” That thought sickens me.
“No, you’re not!” she snarls. “You are nothing like him! Why can’t you see that?”
This conversation is going nowhere. Daisy doesn’t get it. And she never will. I’ve done everything in my power to be the exact opposite of my father and to realize with one fucking mistake that I’m not, is a real kick in the ass.
The air gets sucked from my lungs and suddenly, I can’t breathe. The one girl I want more than anything, the one who has never been far from my thoughts, is the one person I can’t have. All my emotions hurtle to the surface with her and there is no holding back. Nothing is restrained. Only now do I realize how dangerous that kind of intensity can be.
My relationship with Daisy is only just beginning and look at me.
Look at what I’m capable of.
At what I’ve become.
“I can’t do this.” The words bleed from my lips before I can staunch the flow. Even though they nearly kill me, there’s relief to be found in them. And that’s what I latch onto. “I’m sorry.”
Her eyes widen, and she whispers, “Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” I rasp. “I can’t do this.”
Daisy’s mouth falls open. “Carter, please. Just think about this—”
“No,” I bite out as I shake my head. “This is the way it has to be. I’m sorry.”
She sucks in a breath. For a moment, she looks like she’ll argue. My body tenses as I wait for the onslaught.
Instead, she snaps her mouth closed and jerks her head into a tight nod. “If that’s what you want.”
What I want?
No. This isn’t what I want at all, but it’s what I need. And I’m smart enough to realize the difference.
“It is.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Daisy
It’s been a week since the party. I’d hoped that after a few days, Carter would calm down and realize that he isn’t to blame for losing his cool. Then we could sit down and hash out the situation. But neither of those things have happened.
I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Carter has disappeared from my life. He no longer sleeps at the apartment. When I asked Noah, he informed me that Carter has been crashing at one of the houses that a bunch of football players rent off campus.
It’s difficult to wrap my head around everything that has transpired. It’s like I blinked, and our relationship fell apart. Not only does Carter not live here anymore, but he’s avoiding all interaction with me. He only stops by when I’m not home.
I’ve peeked in his room and his books are no longer neatly stacked on his desk. His duffle bag has disappeared from the corner. His toothbrush and other personal items have been removed from the bathroom counter.
Exasperated by the situation, I broke down and texted, but he has yet to respond.
I’ve officially been ghosted. He’s still around, but no longer a part of my life.
I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what to do.
Well, that’s not altogether true.
If Carter wants me to let him go, what other choice do I have?
I’m still leaning against the doorframe of Carter’s room when I hear a key in the lock. My heart leaps in hopes that it’s Carter. That he’s taken enough time to sort everything out in his head.
But it’s not.
Noah walks into the apartment and stops short when he sees me hovering by Carter’s door. Heat floods my cheeks as we hold each other’s gazes. I’m embarrassed to be caught looking so pathetic. This guy has clearly dumped me, and I still want him back.
Normally, when my relationships fizzle, it’s the other way around and I’m more than ready to move on. Guess there’s a first time for everything. Maybe that’s why this stings so much. Although somehow, I don’t think that’s the reason.
Noah clears his throat and throws his backpack onto the small table. “You doing okay?”
I nod.
But, no…no, I’m not.
The way his brows draw together tells me that he doesn’t believe me.
“We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” he mutters.
A pair of sad sacks is what he means. I’m no longer with Carter and Noah has broken up with Ashley. I always imagined relishing the moment Noah and Ashley called it quits, but I can’t bring myself to feel any kind of joy.
I snort and push away from Carter’s doorjamb. At some point, I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that our relationship is over and there’s nothing I can do about it but move on. Although that’s easier said than done.
Noah doesn’t glance up as he flips through a stack of mail on the table. “Have you talked to him?” He doesn’t specify who him is, but he doesn’t have to.
Carter dominates both of our thoughts. I may have lost my boyfriend, but Noah lost his best friend.
“No.” I shake my head. “He won’t return my texts.”
I bite my lip, not wanting to ask. If I were smart, I’d drop the subject and move on. At least pretend to move on.
Fake it until you make it, right?
“Have you?” The question slips out before I can stop it.
He shifts from one foot to the other and avoids eye contact. “I saw him at football practice.”
Oh, yeah. Right.
He glances up and shrugs. “And I was here the other day when he stopped by to pick up more stuff.”
Pain blooms in my chest like a gunshot wound. I honestly can’t imagine surviving this. “So, he’s just not going to live here anymore?”
“I don’t know, Daze. I told him that he didn’t have to stay there.” Noah’s lip curls. “He’s sleeping on Owen’s couch and there’s a shit ton of people coming and going at all hours.”
“Does he hate me that much?” The thought is so painful that it’s a miracle I’m still standing upright.
“He doesn’t hate you. He’s just…” Noah
shakes his head. “I don’t know what the hell he’s doing. It’s like something snapped inside him. He’s got it in his head that he’s just like his dad and nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve tried talking sense into him, but he won’t listen to me.”
“He won’t talk to me, Noah.” My shoulders droop. “He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I know,” he says. “I think he just needs time to work everything out in his head.”
“I hope you’re right.” Not wanting my cousin to see the wetness that has gathered in my eyes, I turn away.
I’m willing to give Carter his space, but there’s only so much I can take before I’m forced to admit defeat and walk away.
I fear time is running out.
Chapter Forty
Daisy
I slide onto my seat for sociology just as Dr. Stein shuffles through a handful of papers at the podium and glance around the room looking for Carter, but don’t see him. Last week, he would sneak in at the last minute and then quietly slip out again as soon as class was dismissed. Since it was obvious that he wasn’t ready to talk, I gave him his space. But now we’re into the second week and nothing has changed. He’s still crashing at the football house. The only time he ventures to the apartment is when he knows I’m not there.
Does he really need to go to such lengths to avoid me?
Well, I’m done letting Carter skulk around campus and hide from me.
Five minutes into class, I take another peek around the room and discover that Carter has parked himself in the last row right next to the door. For the rest of the hour, I sit and stew. A mixture of emotions roils through me. I’m saddened that it’s come to this. I genuinely miss Carter. For years he’s been a part of my life. Sure, he used to annoy the hell out of me, but he was always there. Then we got together, and our relationship shifted. It became more than I ever dreamed possible and now…
Now it’s gone.
A void has been created in his absence. One that is impossible to fill.
I’m barely paying attention to the lecture when Dr. Stein calls on me to answer a question. My day goes from bad to worse as I stumble through an explanation. The more I grasp at straws, the more Dr. Stein’s brows slide together.
By the time I’m done rambling, I want to sink through my chair and vanish.
Five minutes prior to class ending, I pack up my bag and wait impatiently for her to release us. The moment Dr. Stein signals the end of class, I jump from my seat, ready to fly out of the room so that I can catch Carter before he disappears. It doesn’t take super sleuthing skills to realize that he intends to ditch me.
Again.
“Daisy, would you mind sticking around for a few minutes, please?”
Everything within me deflates at the sound of Dr. Stein’s voice. Carter turns, his gray gaze latching onto mine. Sadness passes over his face as he slips through the lecture hall door.
I’m so frustrated that I’m tempted to swear a blue streak. Instead of doing exactly that, I plaster a smile on my face as I turn and walk back down the steps to the lectern. “Hi, Dr. Stein, what’s up?”
She shuffles a few papers around and tucks them into a sleek burgundy briefcase. “How’s everything going, Daisy?”
I boost my smile and lie through my teeth. “It’s good. Why?”
She shrugs and leans her elbows on the podium as if settling in for a long discussion. Any hope I have of catching Carter disappears.
Her hazel eyes drill into mine. “You’re one of my best students and I’ve noticed lately that you’ve been distracted. You’re having problems with questions that would normally be easy for you to field.”
Embarrassed, I glance away before forcing my gaze back to hers. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that.” My shoulders slump as I admit, “There is something going on, but I’m trying to work through it.”
“I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time.” Her eyes soften. “I hope you know that my door is always open, and you can come to me with any issue you’re struggling with.”
“I do. Thank you.” I force a smile and hitch my bag a little higher on my shoulder hoping that’s all she wants to discuss.
Instead of dismissing me, her voice lowers. “Normally I wouldn’t mention anything, but I feel like we’ve developed a personal relationship since you’ve been at BU.” She searches my gaze for confirmation. “Am I wrong about that?”
Not at all. Dr. Stein is right up there with a few of my favorite graphic arts professors.
I shake my head, giving her the go ahead to continue.
“You and Carter Prescott,” she pauses as if struggling to put her thoughts into words. “Were the two of you involved in a relationship?”
I blink, surprised that she’s bringing up Carter. “Yes, we were seeing each other.”
Her gaze remains unflinching as she drops her chin. “But that’s no longer the case?”
“No,” I admit quietly. “We’re…”
What?
Broken up?
Not technically.
On hiatus?
Sort of. Except Carter won’t talk to me.
Dr. Stein raises her brows as she waits for a response.
My shoulders slump. “Yeah, I guess we broke up.”
Up until now, I hadn’t wanted to accept that we were really over. I forced myself to believe that Carter would come back when he was ready, but that hasn’t happened. My God, the guy just sprinted away from me as if the hounds of hell were after him. Clearly that’s not a sign of someone who wants to work through their issues with me.
My face heats with the realization.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she says.
For the first time, I embrace the pain of our separation as it floods through my body. I haven’t done that yet. Not completely. I’ve been too busy lying to myself.
Ugh, I am such an idiot.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, me too.”
“Break ups are painful.” Her lips lift into a subdued smile. “I wish I could tell you that they get easier with age, but they don’t.”
I can’t imagine having your heart broken ever gets easier.
“Daisy?”
My gaze snaps to hers. “Yeah?”
“As difficult as this is, the last thing I want is for you to tank your senior year. Not over a boy. I know that may sound cold and uncaring, but I’ve seen how disconnected you’ve been this week. And if I’m seeing it in my class, I’m willing to bet that your other professors are seeing it as well.”
I blow out a steady breath as her words sink in. It’s not harsh, it’s exactly what I needed to hear. I’m grateful she noticed something was wrong and took the time to talk some sense into me. Not all professors would do that.
“I’ve known you since freshman year and I’ve seen how hard you’ve worked to be successful, don’t let something like this mar your accomplishments.”
I’ve been so caught up in the Carter situation that my work has been slipping through the cracks, and I can’t afford to let that continue. School is too important for me to not take seriously.
I nod. For the first time since my break up with Carter, I feel like some of my mental fog has cleared. Maybe now, I can find my way again.
She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. “Just remember, I’m here anytime you need to talk.”
“Thank you, Dr. Stein.” I pause and gather my thoughts. “I appreciate you pulling me aside.”
Her smile widens. “You’re welcome, Daisy.”
I hightail it from the classroom and decide to text Olivia to see if she wants to meet for lunch. Just as I’m about to race down the stone steps, my eyes collide with somber gray ones. I pause and my breath hitches.
I wasn’t expecting him to stick around. Carter raises a tentative hand in greeting and I do the same as I move in his direction. The breeze picks up and the scent of his aftershave hits me. Sadness pools in my belly.
Carter shifts his weight from one fo
ot to the other and looks as uncomfortable as I feel. He glances away for a heartbeat and refocuses his gaze on me. I long to reach out and bridge the distance. But it’s not just physical, it’s emotional as well.
He squints against the autumn sunlight. “Do you have a few moments to talk?”
“Sure.” For two weeks, all I’ve wanted is to have a conversation with Carter and now that I’m being given the opportunity, I don’t know what to say.
“Good.” His shoulders tense as he points to a couple of picnic tables spread out across the grassy knoll. “Should we sit over there?”
I nod as we fall in line next to one another. Already this interaction feels painful and awkward. So many times, I remember him reaching out and grabbing my fingers, giving me a sweetly crooked smile.
He doesn’t do that now. His hands are tightened fists that hang at his sides. Not once does he glance my way as we walk to the table that is furthest from the path and the other students who are either working or eating lunch.
I drop my bag onto the bench and we take seats on opposite sides.
He clears his throat. “How have you been?”
This forced dialogue sucks. It was never like this between us. Not even when we were sniping back and forth at one another.
“Fine,” I say.
There’s no way I can tell him the truth. That I haven’t been fine at all. I feel like a big enough loser. The whole conversation with Dr. Stein has slammed that home. Which I’m grateful for. Maybe now I can stop chasing after a guy who doesn’t want me.
Taking me at my word, he nods and looks away.
I force myself to ask, “What about you?”
He shrugs. “I’ve been better.” Emotion flickers across his face before being tamped down.
I wait to see if he’ll elaborate, but he doesn’t. I’m beginning to wonder why he asked me here in the first place.
Carter glances at his hands which twist together on the table. “I’m sorry about what happened. None of it was your fault. It’s mine.”
“What exactly was your fault?”
He shakes his head. “All of it.”
I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table. “Are you talking about almost hitting that guy?”
Love to Hate You Page 25
