by Quil Carter
And now I have it. Even though I’ve learned how to make myself okay.
Sasha didn’t remove his hand from Jobe’s; instead, he squeezed it and just enjoyed the fact that he was home with his best friend.
“Like I said, I’ve met Rob…” Sasha began. “When I was being punished for something, I met Rob. He manipulated me pretty damn good into doing what he wanted.”
“How can you meet Rob?” Jobe asked.
“Rob can sometimes emerge from Kel,” Sasha explained. “I’m not really sure what triggers it, but it happens and usually Kel lets Kheva know and he stops it. Something happened and it wasn’t stopped, Rob used an area of my own mind to hide out, I think.”
Jobe stared at him blankly, and Sasha realized he was going to have to streamline all of this. It was hard enough for Sasha to understand, and it would be near impossible for Jobe to get all of it.
“To make a long story short… Rob got stronger. He used me and my abilities, and he ended up getting the upper hand on Kheva…”
“That’s good,” Jobe said, and his confusion broke through to a smile. “Right? Is that why you’re here? Rob stopped Kheva?”
Jobe’s smile faded when Sasha shook his head. “No, Jobe… Kheva isn’t bad.”
“What?” Jobe’s tone dropped, and his expression turned suspicious. “You’ve got to be…” Sasha raised a hand and Jobe quieted down, but the questions were dancing around the man’s mind; Sasha could sense them, even without his abilities.
“Rob hurt Kheva, and when Kheva and I both attacked Rob back… Rob grabbed Kheva and tried to make them both fall down the stairs. I grabbed Kheva just in time, but Rob fell.” Just remembering that moment, the sounds of Kel’s bones breaking, the thumping that still haunted his dreams, and soon after… the guilt.
The incomprehensible guilt.
“Being the fucking coward he was… Rob left, and Kel came back,” Sasha said. He realized then that he was gripping Jobe’s hand hard. “And Kel…” Sasha put a hand over his mouth, not even the whisky warming his head could mask the pain inside of him. “Kel began calling for Kheva, Jobe. He began calling for his master…” Poor Kel… none of this was his fault. That poor guy.
“Shit…” Jobe whispered.
“Kheva didn’t want me to have to hear what he was going to do… and I didn’t even know what the fuck he was going to do,” Sasha went on. “He put me to sleep, and when I woke up next, Kel was gone and Kheva was ill. Kheva ended up… he ended up going into this shutdown mode. His mind was gone, but he could still do the basics in taking care of himself. I took care of him, heated up food and kept the property running, and I convinced myself that some of Kheva’s other friends must’ve come to collect Kel. That Kheva wouldn’t let him die…”
Jobe’s expression darkened at this admission. “But you were wrong?” he said lowly. “Kheva had left Kel outside to die?”
Sasha nodded. “On the third day, I caught Jye trying to get him blankets. I found him and… and I brought him here.”
“And… and Kheva?”
“Still at Ciel Lake… I’m going to… I’m going to go back there tomorrow, do what I need to do to get him to accept Kel back into the family. I’m not sure if he’ll be awake, but I have to check in on him, he doesn’t have a vehicle, only a four-wheeler. I have his only truck.”
That admission had Jobe retracting his hand, and panic set into his features. “You’re planning on going back? Christ, Sasha, you can’t go back!” Jobe ran a hand down his face, now flustered. “Baby, he’s dangerous!”
A million thoughts to counteract Jobe’s statement ran through Sasha’s head single file. But even though Sasha wanted to say each and every one, he realized there was no use arguing with Jobe on this; he was going and there wasn’t anything else to say on that fact. “No, I am going, Jobe. I can’t just leave Kheva, and Jye needs to go back to his home,” he said, and even though it was as much use as a colander crossed with a fish tank, Sasha tried to force both warmth and finality into his words. “I made a mess, this is my fault this happened… I have to fix it.”
“Sasha, Kheva’s dangerous!” Jobe cried. “Why the fuck do I have to tell you this? You know this. Look!” Jobe took Sasha’s arm and turned it over so the bandage was clearly seen. Then he rose and tried to pull down the back of Sasha’s shirt, even though Sasha quickly moved away. “Whip marks! Cuts fucking everywhere…”
“It’s my training…”
Silence fell on the room, but not a dead silence, this one had the semblance of a powder keg.
Then Jobe exploded. “Your fucking… training?!” he suddenly cried, the sheer volume making Jye, sleeping in a sunbeam, burst to his feet with his large ears pressed back. “Your training? Don’t give me that shit, Sasha. That’s not the words of someone mentally sane. I know what Kheva’s fucking training involves.”
Sasha’s jaw set, the heat on his low boil of anger beginning to rise. Jobe didn’t realize just how close he was to tipping over that pot, how close he was to being scalded. “Nate is full of shit,” Sasha said with a growl. “He doesn’t know anything, and I’m starting to get pissed off by the fact that you and Lex seem to be upset I’m no longer some pathetic, masochistic hermit.” With his eyes two slabs of green rock, Sasha rose to his feet. “I’m better than I’ve ever been. I feel better than I’ve ever been. Worth something. Worth living.”
“Sasha, you were always worth something… Baby, baby, we’re just worried he’s brainwashed you. We’re worried you might not realize… Kheva changed your personality,” Jobe said meekly, his shoulders slumped and his eyes on the dining room table. Sasha was towering over him in that moment; he was the one in control of this situation, of this conversation.
He had the power.
“I will only say this once. I don’t wish to repeat myself,” Sasha said, his voice scraping the hollows. “I am not brainwashed; my mind has not been altered. Kheva is not my enemy and I am not running from him; Kel isn’t either.”
“How can you say this shit!?” Jobe exploded again. Now he was on his feet, his dark eyes desperate and his face twisted. “Sasha, he fucking tortured you! He fucking kidnapped you. And jesus fucking christ, Sasha, we know he raped you too.”
Sasha recoiled, as if Jobe’s words had smacked him across the face. All of the denial he’d been building burned to cinders in front of his eyes.
Lex… Sasha had tried to ignore the image Rob had given him, of Kheva showing Lex those memories. He’d tried to fool himself… but even if deep-down he knew that was fruitless, Jobe––Sasha could convince himself that Jobe didn’t know.
But they all knew.
They all fucking knew.
“Who told you that?” he said breathlessly. “Who the fuck told you that?”
Jobe stared at him, the corners of his eyes glistening. “I think you just did, baby.”
Sasha’s lips peeled back, his teeth pressed firmly together. “Did Lex tell you? Does he know?”
“Yeah, Lex knows,” Jobe said quietly. “But… we suspected beforehand. Nate––Nate said it had happened to Rob. The torture, how Kheva trains his prisoners.”
Nate… fucking Nate.
The desperation inside of Sasha shot towards this new target like a powerful magnet. He needed someone to be angry at, someone to take the brunt of these horrible fucking feelings that Sasha had no idea how to process.
And that outlet was easy to find.
I’m going to fucking kill Nate.
“What other shit has he been feeding you two?” Sasha said between hard breaths through his nose.
“He knows about this stuff… he knows other nightcrawlers.”
“I don’t fucking care what he knows!” Sasha roared. Jobe jumped at the tone of Sasha’s voice, and for the first time, fear highlighted the anguish on his face. “If I see that little shit again, I’m going to fuck his mind so bad he’ll be nothing but a blithering idiot!”
“Sasha…”
“You keep th
at little cocksucker away from me, or I swear to––”
Then a second voice joined the chaos:
“Sasha!”
Lex seemed to come out of nowhere. One moment it was just Sasha and Jobe in the kitchen, the next, Lex was bursting out of the hallway, his eyes on fire.
“Don’t you fucking talk to him like that!” Lex snapped. He got in between Jobe and Sasha, and glared down at his nephew with both arms spread out. “He’s trying to fucking help you and so have I. And Nate has been the one giving us information to track you down. Stop being an inconsiderate asshole, and calm the fuck down!”
“Oh, piss off, boy scout,” Sasha said, and even though Lex was staring him down, Sasha didn’t flinch. “You talk about shit you don’t understand and it gets me pissed off. Fucking deal with it.”
“You little fucking––”
“Lex…” Jobe turned around, and to Sasha’s surprise, he put both hands on Lex’s shoulder to hold him back. “I said shit I shouldn’t have; Sasha has every right to be upset. He’s warned us many times that he doesn’t like Nate. Hasn’t he?”
“Nate fucking helped us…”
“And think of it from Sasha’s perspective, baby,” Jobe said, his voice calm, like a policeman talking to a jumper on the ledge of a building. “Nate upsets Kel, and even if we don’t understand it… Sasha’s friends with Kel. Lex, we have to respect that. We have to understand…” Jobe’s voice broke, “…that Sasha’s not the same Sasha who ran out that door. He’s been through a lot, he’s different now.”
‘He’s brainwashed now.’
‘I lost my fucking kid.’
Sasha’s head shot up. That wasn’t the voice inside of his head––that was Lex’s voice.
Then, like a hand retracting from a stove once he realized it was burning hot, Sasha pulled his roving abilities, ones he didn’t even realize were straying.
And what the ever-loving fuck…? Did he just hear Lex’s thoughts?
The shock of this realization turned into a pang of guilt. It was a statement that Lex would never say out loud… he thinks that he’s lost his nephew.
But… he hasn’t.
How do I tell him that he hasn’t? All I need for them is to just… understand that there’s a lot of shit I can’t talk about.
And understand that if you have Nate around me, and he opens his fucking mouth and fills your head with more shit… it will not end well for him.
“I’m sorry I barged in here and overreacted,” Lex said. Jobe’s hands were off of his shoulders now, and the man himself was standing beside Lex. “Jobe and I have leaned on each other a lot during these months, and it upset me to think he was being yelled at.”
This information sat awkwardly in Sasha’s mind. For a moment, he didn’t understand what he was feeling, until he realized it was… discomfort over Lex’s words.
And those words were drawing up other incidences that had happened since his arrival.
Lex was right… he and Jobe were a lot closer now.
“You guys seem to have become close friends,” Sasha said, the words themselves leaving a bitter taste, like they were dissolving pills.
“Of course we have, Sash,” Jobe said. “We’re all each other had, only we understood what the other was going through.”
“Besides Nate, right?” Sasha snipped.
Jobe sighed. “This isn’t going to go anywhere…” he said. He walked up to Sasha, and Sasha stiffened when Jobe put his arms around him. “I’m sorry, buggy. I just want to help you, and understand what’s going on inside your head. You got this…” Jobe sniffed and squeezed Sasha tight. “…this wall around you, and I want in. I miss my bug.”
Even though Sasha was trying his hardest, he found it near impossible not to relax under Jobe’s hold. With a sigh, Sasha raised his arms and reciprocated the hug. “I know you’re just trying to help,” he said quietly. “And I appreciate it. It’s been stressful, I have a lot on my mind, as you know, and a lot to do tomorrow.”
It was Jobe’s turn to stiffen. “Yeah, I know.” He pulled away and smoothed back Sasha’s hair. “Come on, let’s go to Lex’s side of the house and have another drink. When were they going to release Kel?”
“Ah…” All attention turned to Lex. “I was coming over to tell you… Malloy called. They were waiting on some blood tests back and they came. Kel’s in the clear, he can come home.”
Sasha smiled, the relief making a seemingly permanent knot in his chest loosen, if only a bit. “That’s great,” he said. He began walking to Lex’s side of the house, Lex leading the way and Jobe the back. “One thing taken care of… Kel’s alive and he’s healthy.” When Sasha’s eyes fell on that miserable lump in the blanket, surrounded by dark forest with wind and rain beating his weak frame, Sasha thought he’d never see Kel healthy again. Fuck, he didn’t even know if Kel was going to survive any of this.
And now he was going to be discharged, finally.
Which meant, with Kel healthy, Sasha’s next hurdle was… Kheva.
He’s going to kill me with his bare hands.
“Sashy! Sashy!” Kel’s excited cries immediately brought a smile to Sasha’s face, and beside him, even Jobe and Lex couldn’t hold back their own grins. It was difficult, near impossible, not to be affected by Kel’s jovial moods. It was contagious.
“Hey, Keli,” Sasha said. He walked into the hospital room and saw a happy Kel squirming in his hospital bed. He was sporting a walking cast now, and the day before he’d even shown Sasha how he could walk (or, well, hobble) around his hospital room. “How are you feeling?”
“Great! I’m so excited; I’m so happy!” Kel grinned. He looked down at his arm cast, wrapped in a blue bandage, and held it out to Sasha. “Dr. Pendergast even signed my cast! He’s on night-shifts while Malloy is off. That’s seven people, Sasha. Seven people signed my cast!”
“That’s great,” Sasha said. He began to pack up Kel’s few possessions, mostly unfinished junk food, but Sasha had also bought him some Get Well Soon balloons and a stuffed purple cat (his name was now Blueberry). “We’re all ready for you back at my apartment. I think Jye misses you too.”
“Does he really?” Kel said as he pulled the covers off of himself. He was dressed in cargo shorts and a green shirt, the shorts due to the walking cast needing to be on, and Sasha had brought him over a light jacket. “I can ask him when I see him. He doesn’t talk though, but I can feel things from him.”
“That’s insane,” Lex said, shaking his head. “Hey, Kel, can you do that with my cats? Can you tell them to stop scratching my couch?”
Kel giggled. It was hilariously adorable just how giddy he was. The heated yelling that had happened only forty minutes before seemed long forgotten with the introduction of Kel’s mood. “Maybe! I’ll try. Has Sasha showed you what he can do? Sasha’s so powerful, not as powerful as Master though. Have you heard from Master, Sashy? Did you get to go home yet?”
Out of the corner of his eye, Sasha could see both Jobe and Lex pausing, but Sasha tried not to miss a beat. “Not yet, hun,” he said. He held out his hand and helped Kel stand up. “We’ll talk about that tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” Kel beamed and gave Sasha a happy grin. “I can’t wait to go home. I can’t wait for everything to be okay. I miss Master Kheva a lot. Thank you for explaining everything to him, or thank you once you do. I don’t want him to think I was bad. I wasn’t bad. I’ll help you if he puts you in the shed again. And I won’t––” Sasha began to hiss, but Kel merrily continued on. “––have sex with you hard like last time. I promise. I won’t since I know it hurts––”
Sasha put a hand over his mouth. “Jesus, Kel, shut up!” he snapped. “That’s not appropriate, not with them here! Keluva, for fuck sakes, be quiet!”
“Jesus fucking christ!” Sasha’s eyes closed as Lex’s voice rang out, Jobe behind him swearing under his breath. He locked his teeth tight, and when his eyes opened Kel was looking back at him with a worried, timid look.
“You know better!” Sasha snapped to Kel. “Come on… we need to get out of here.”
“I’m sorry!” Kel cried. “Please don’t be mad at me. I don’t want you to be mad. This was a happy day. I’m sorry.” Sasha’s heart gave a throb when Kel began to cry. “I ruined it. I ruined everything. Master’s right, I’m a mistake. I’m a mistake!”
“Keli…” Sasha sighed, and he loosened up the tight grip he had on Kel’s hand. In quick succession, Kel’s careless words had ruined a lot of things, like he was mould in a clean room, but even though Sasha felt like throttling him… they were in public, the door was open and people could hear, at the very least, Kel’s crying––He had to take care of the first issue first, and deal with the rest later. “Keli, I’m not mad…”
“Yes, you are!” Kel cried. “I ruined everything. I made you mad.”
“No, I’m not mad.” Sasha turned and forced a smile. “See? It’s a happy day, hun. You get to see my apartment and see Jye. We’re all happy and smiling.”
Kel gave him a crumpled look, analyzing Sasha’s smile to see if it was fake. It obviously was, but it seemed to be good enough for Kel.
“Okay,” he whimpered. “Can I have a hug?”
“Yeah, of course.” Sasha put his arms around Kel, but as he looked behind Kel’s shoulder, he saw the uncomfortable expressions of both Lex and Jobe. He knew that this was all hard for them, but he had to give them both credit for not being mean to Kel, considering Kel had been the person actually doing the act. Maybe they understood that Kel did what Kheva asked, or that Kel wasn’t mentally there enough to understand that what he was doing was wrong.
Either way, Sasha was thankful, even though he knew a conversation about all of this was coming.
With Kel calmed down, they made their way to the reception and Kel signed his discharge papers. It was an awkward ride home after that, but to try and cheer Kel up, Sasha suggested Wendy’s, and like clockwork, that brought the smiles back to Keluva Swift’s face.
