“Yup. Sometimes, they don’t even use a letter.”
“So, what do you think my name sign would be?” he asks.
I study him for a minute. Then I sign the letter ‘K’ before putting two fingers on my wrist as if to feel my pulse.
“Ahhh, good one,” he says. Then he signs the letter ‘L’ and puts his pinky in his mouth.
“What does that mean?”
“That would be your name sign,” he says. “Because you always chew on your pinky when you’re nervous.”
I look at my little finger and then back up at him. “I do not.”
“Oh, but you do,” he says.
“Well, then, it’s a good thing you’re not the giver of name signs. Because you are terrible at it.”
He laughs, holding out the fortune cookies so I can pick one. Just as we always do, each of us only selects one and he pushes the others aside. We’ll add them to our collection. The collection we started a few weeks ago. A jar we earmarked for extra fortune cookies. Because you never know when you might need one.
We open them up simultaneously and hide the slips of paper as we eat our cookies.
“Go ahead.” I nod to his hand.
He opens up his fortune and reads it. “He who dies with the most toys is still dead.” He looks up at me. “Damn, that’s deep.”
I read mine to myself, crumpling it up and throwing in the trash.
“Hey, that’s not allowed,” he says.
“Why not? You’ve done it.”
“Come on, Lex. What did it say?”
I sigh. “It said ‘The world is your oyster’.”
He looks at me sadly. “It wasn’t your parents who made you eat them, was it?”
I shake my head. “He thought they were an aphrodisiac. He made me eat them a lot.”
Kyle looks disgusted. “They aren’t, you know. Medically speaking, oysters do nothing to stimulate sex hormones. But the theory is, they resemble female genitalia, thus they can increase sexual desire.”
“Only if you desire to have sex,” I say sadly.
He runs his hands through his hair and I know he’s thinking about Grant forcing himself on me. He picks up one of the discarded fortune cookies and hands it to me. “I think we can make an exception,” he says.
I take it from him and crack it open, giving him half of it to eat. I stare at the slip of paper, then I glance down at my tattoo before I read my fortune aloud to Kyle. “Take nothing for granted,” I say.
Suddenly, I know what I need to do and I vow to call Skylar after dinner to get the ball rolling.
“Holy shit, Lex. Look!”
I look where he’s pointing to find Ellie up on all fours, scooting one knee forward and then the other as she attempts her very first crawl. “Oh, my God!”
I sit stunned, my eyes locked on Ellie as she reaches this milestone. I’m mesmerized by watching the careful and meticulous way she tries to move herself forward. After a few failed tries, she manages to crawl a few steps. “She’s doing it!” I squeal, excitedly.
I glance over at Kyle to see that he’s gotten out his phone and is videoing the entire thing. And I’m not sure which touches me more—my daughter crawling for the first time, or Kyle looking like the proud father while she does it.
Chapter Fifty-three
I find myself getting excited when I look at the clock. It’s been almost two days since I’ve seen him. He was on call over the weekend, and the hospital was so busy, he just decided to sleep there. I’m sure he’s so used to sleeping at work that it doesn’t bother him. Me, however—even though Ellie and I have only been here for six weeks, I find it lonely in the apartment when he’s not around.
Nothing has changed between us in the past few weeks. Nothing except I can tell he’s fighting his feelings more and more. He has to catch himself sometimes before he touches me. And often when we sit on the couch and watch late-night TV, he absentmindedly plays with my hair. He really seems to like my hair.
He rarely slips up and calls me Elizabeth anymore, which is funny, because outside of our circle of friends, that is exactly who I am. The doormen to our building, the residents who use the fitness room, the little old couple who own the corner market—they all know me as Elizabeth. After all, that’s what my birth certificate and photo ID say.
Ellie starts to fuss in her highchair as I’m chopping up vegetables for dinner. Kyle walks through the front door just as she breaks out into a full-on scream. I know this scream. This is her ‘I’ve pooped my pants and I don’t want to sit in it’ scream.
Kyle watches what I’m doing in the kitchen for a few seconds, then he unstraps Ellie and picks her up. “I’ll go change her,” he says. “You’ve got your hands full.”
“Thanks,” I say, smiling from ear to ear as he carries her away. I smile because he knows that scream, too. I smile because he’s not her daddy, yet he’s changing her diaper—and not for the first time. I smile because if anyone would look through our window on any given night, they would think we are a family.
But then I frown, because we aren’t a family. We’re roommates. Roommates who give each other time and space, apparently.
I’m drowning in time and space. Can’t he see that? What will it take to get him to make the decision that he wants to be with me?
Maybe he already has. Maybe the decision is he doesn’t want me in his life—not like that anyway.
“All clean,” Kyle says, bringing her back into the room.
Ellie looks at me as they approach the kitchen. She lifts her hand up and touches her chin with her thumb.
My eyes go wide. “Kyle, did she just . . .?”
Ellie does it again, smiling at me.
“Oh, my God, she did!” I squeal. “She just called me Mommy!”
Kyle does the sign as well and then touches me on the shoulder, just as he always does. Ellie repeats the sign for the third time, looking at me and smiling.
Tears are spilling from my eyes at the first real communication from my baby girl. I hug her in Kyle’s arms as we cheer and turn in circles, our arms around each other, Ellie swimming in laughter between us.
“Thank you,” I say to Kyle. “Thank you for teaching it to her. I can’t believe that was her first word. It never would have happened if it weren’t for you.”
“Of course it was her first word,” he says. “You are the most important person to her, Lex.”
We step apart and Kyle puts Ellie back into her highchair, sitting next to her at the table so he can spoon some strained peas into her mouth.
“I really needed that after my day,” he says.
I bring a bowl of salad over to the table. “Tough one, huh?”
He nods.
I go back in the kitchen and get the chicken casserole, setting it on a hotplate before I sit down. “You know,” I say, with the faintest trace of humor. “Some wise doctor once told me not to keep things inside or they will eat away at you.”
“Some wise doctor, huh?” he asks, his mouth twitching in amusement.
“Yeah, well he thinks he’s wise. But I just think he’s a wiseass.”
He chuckles, scooping another bite of peas into Ellie’s mouth.
“So, this tough day. Was it tougher than Rosita?” I ask.
His eyes snap to mine. “You remember that?”
“Of course I do. That was the day everything changed,” I tell him. “Before that, you always went to Gina for comfort. But that day you came to me. That’s the day I knew—”
I stop talking. I stop talking because sometimes I forget we’re not together and some things are not appropriate for us to say to one another. I busy myself dishing out dinner for the two of us.
“That’s the day you knew what, Lexi?”
I shrug as I carefully compose my answer. “That maybe there could be something more.”
He nods in understanding. Then he studies me. “Wait, you knew about me and Gina? I mean, I know I told you we had . . . something maybe, but I don’t
ever remember getting into the particulars with you.”
“What was it you told me once? Nurses love to gossip? I was in the hospital for almost a month, Kyle. I heard all kinds of things.”
He takes a bite of casserole. “Wow, this is really good. You know I don’t expect you to cook for me. After all, you are paying me rent—which I’d like to go on record as saying you absolutely don’t need to do.”
“I’m glad you like it,” I say. “I know I don’t have to cook for you. That’s probably why I like to. And, for the record, the pittance I’m paying you for rent is just a token of my appreciation and we both know it. Anyway, you’re missing the point. I was trying to get you to talk about your day.”
He blows out a strong breath. “I told you I’m doing my PICU rotation, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. Pediatrics, right?”
“Not just pediatrics, pediatric intensive care,” he says.
I look at Ellie. “That must be really hard.”
“It is. But kids are strong. Resilient. Most of the outcomes are good. But today . . .” He looks over to the window and I could swear he’s trying to keep from crying. “Today, there was a kid about my nephew’s age. He wasn’t even three years old and already he’d had a dozen surgeries. He needed a heart-lung transplant, but he had a very specific blood type and we couldn’t find him the organs in time. I sat and watched his parents say goodbye.”
He chokes up, getting up from the table to grab a bottle of wine. He brings it and two glasses back into the dining room.
“I know what you need,” I tell him.
He raises his eyebrows at me. “You mean besides the wine?”
I stand up and go into the kitchen, bringing the large cookie jar out, putting it on the table in front of him. “You need a fortune cookie.”
“I do?” he asks, pouring me a glass of wine.
I nod, taking the lid of the jar off. “You do.”
He reaches in and pulls out a cookie. After breaking it apart and popping the halves into his mouth, he reads the fortune to himself, drawing his eyebrows together.
“Well, what does it say?” I ask, curiously.
“It says ‘Sometimes you just need to lie on the floor’.”
I take it from him, scanning it over before I laugh. Then I take Ellie out of her highchair and put her down on her blanket with her favorite toys. Then I lie down on the area rug between the couch and the television and I stare at the ceiling.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Come on, Kyle. You can’t mess with ancient Chinese proverbs.”
“That is not a Chinese proverb, Lex.”
“Okay, then you can’t mess with the guy in Boston who sits around for days on end coming up with deep existential bullshit.”
He snorts and then walks over to look down on me. “Fine. In the name of deep existential bullshit, I shall lie on the floor.”
He lies down next to me and we both stare at the ceiling, trying not to smile and make each other laugh. We lie here for minutes, silent and anticipating. Anticipating what, I don’t know.
“Is it working?” I ask.
He turns his head to look at me. “Hell if I know,” he says, his eyes taking in the apartment from this new vantage point. “But the next time I clean the apartment, remind me to move the coffee table. I think there are a hundred Cheerios under there.”
I giggle and he smiles. Yeah, I’d say it’s working.
He turns on his side and rises up on an elbow, taking a lock of my hair and working it between his fingers. “Thanks,” he says.
“Anytime.”
He stares at me as his face inches closer. It happens in slow motion—his gaze flitters between my lips and my eyes. His hand moves from my hair to my shoulder. His body moves closer so he’s almost on top of me.
When his lips finally find mine, my body heaves at the intimate familiarity. I’ve only kissed him a few times before, but my body knows what to expect. It anticipates every movement of his lips, and our mouths move together in a synchronized dance only we can perform.
But then, as quickly as it started, the kiss ends and he pulls away, rolling back to where he was as my lips and my body long for more.
“I’m sorry,” he says, leaning his head back onto the floor with a thud.
Those two words say it all.
I close my eyes. “You’re confusing me, Kyle. Do you want me, or don’t you?”
He takes a deep breath. And then another. “Jesus, Lexi, of course I want you,” he says. “But—”
“But what?” I ask, keeping my eyes shut to protect me from his words.
“But I want all of you, Lex.”
“I’m giving you all that I have to give, Kyle.”
“I know,” he says. “I just have to figure out if that’s enough.”
Little hands slap my chest and my eyes fly open to see that Ellie has crawled over to join us. I pull her over the top of my chest, positioning her between Kyle and me. She laughs, playing with us on the floor.
Kyle sits up and pulls her favorite book off the coffee table. He reads it to her with the signs I’ve taught him. Ellie settles into his lap, pointing at the pictures as he tries to teach her the signs.
It makes me wonder if she’ll ever need to learn the sign for ‘Daddy.’
Kyle looks like a daddy. He even acts like a daddy. But he can never be her daddy.
And maybe that’s why this will never be enough.
Chapter Fifty-four
“Ouch!” I yelp. “I’d forgotten how much this stings.”
I stare down at my wrist as a guy named Spike transforms my tattoo into something that won’t have me thinking of the past—only the future.
“Don’t be such a baby,” Skylar jokes with a wink.
“Actually, it doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time I got it.” I close my eyes at the horrible memory. “Probably because I actually want this one.”
“Oh, my God. Did he force you to get it?” Piper asks.
I shake my head and look at the floor. “He didn’t force me to do anything,” I say, shamefully. “It was more like he intimidated me into it.”
“Is there really a difference?” Skylar asks in disgust.
Two of the three Mitchell sisters have come with me for moral support. Skylar was able to pull some strings with Spike and get me in this week. He’s in high demand and is normally booked weeks in advance. But sometimes, when inspiration strikes, you just have to do it before you chicken out.
I reach out and grab Piper’s hand, squeezing it when I feel twinges of pain. “Are you ready to become Mrs. Lawrence?” I ask.
The smile that overtakes her face is all the answer I need. “I can’t believe it’s only ten days away,” she says. “You guys will die when you see Hailey in her little flower girl dress. She’s adorable. I’m so excited to finally become her official step-mom.”
“She’s called you ‘Mommy’ for years,” Skylar says. “Will things really be all that different?”
“Of course they will.” Piper gives her sister an exasperated look. “Every time I take Hailey someplace new, I have to introduce her as my fiancée’s daughter. After next Saturday, I’ll be able to introduce her as my daughter. Huge difference.”
I let my head fall back against the headrest and I close my eyes.
“Oh, shit, Lex—uh, Elizabeth,” Piper says, cringing at her slip-up. “I didn’t mean things weren’t great the way they were. I mean, families come in all different shapes and sizes. There are no rules.”
“I know, Piper. But I also know that Kyle feels the way you do. About Ellie. About me. He doesn’t want to think of us as somebody else’s. And I’m just not sure he will ever get past that.”
“Give him time,” Skylar says. “And maybe give him a little nudge in the right direction.”
“Nudge?” I ask, remembering her saying that once before.
“Yeah, there’s nothing like a little jealousy to get a guy to admit he love
s you. Believe me. I know from firsthand experience.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. “You had to make Griffin jealous?”
“I didn’t set out to,” she tells me. “I thought Griffin was out of the picture when I started dating John. But then Griffin came back, and, oh boy. All I can say is that if John weren’t in the picture, I’m not sure Griffin would have been so quick to lay his claim on me.”
“Lay his claim, huh?” I ask.
“Oh, he laid his claim alright,” Piper says. “I wasn’t there, but I have video evidence to prove it. And it was epic.”
“Video?” I ask. “I think I might need to see this epic display of claim-laying.”
Skylar laughs. “Next time you come over, I’ll get it out. It’s been a while since I’ve watched it. Could be fun.”
“I feel a girls’ night in the near future,” Piper says.
“Speaking of which, did you get my email about the bachelorette party?” I ask.
She bounces up and down in her seat. “I did. And I love your idea. How did you come up with it?”
“Are you kidding? Your oldest sister has me researching all kinds of stuff for her books. If you ever want to know how long it takes to crash land a twin-engine plane after it runs out of gas—I’m your girl.”
Piper laughs. “Baylor sounds like a slave driver.”
“Best boss I’ve ever had,” I say.
“Isn’t she the only boss you’ve ever had?” Skylar asks.
I shrug. “If you don’t count the yappy four-legged furry types I used to work for.”
“She’s really happy with you, too,” Piper says. “You should have seen her with her last assistant. I thought she might actually pull her hair out in frustration. But these days, Baylor is so relaxed and stress-free. That’s your doing, you know.”
“I’m just glad it’s working out so well. At first, I thought she was taking pity on me by giving me a job.”
Skylar looks at me like I’m crazy. “But now you know her well enough to see how she didn’t do that, right? She hired you because you’re good. Because you had the qualifications she wanted.”
“I get that now,” I say.
Stone Vows (A Stone Brothers Novel) Page 27
