A warm breeze blew over him. His legs still had cuts and bruises, marking the journey that he had just survived. He thought about Abdul and where he was now. He was the enemy who had spared his life and restored his faith in human nature.
Then he thought about his real enemy. His kid brother, his blood. He could feel emotion rising through him. Austin had taken Joel’s place as Jake’s father, a job that Joel should have taken responsibility for, even if he had never loved the woman he created the life of a child with.
When the DNA results were in, he had hoped, prayed, and begged God to not be Jake’s father because then walking away would have been easy.
He thought about going back, about meeting the little boy that was his son, but he could never summon enough heart to do it. Keeping his head in battle somehow kept him in a place he felt he belonged, and so he let Jake go without ever holding the infant in his arms or feeling his warm, sweet breath on his cheek.
Once he gathered more of his thoughts, he stood up and realised he had been reflecting on his life for hours. His belly growled for food and his body was tired and weak. The sun was sinking in the horizon, its rays of light glimmering in the darkness, the clouds starting to shadow as the day transitioned into night, just like he and his brother—day and night.
He didn’t know where he belonged now. Mimi looked at him in a different way than the way she had before. He deeply regretted not telling her the truth.
On the day of his rescue, he never imagined that he would be back at the ranch, and he never thought that he would have to fight again, only this time for his wife.
On the day he married her, he never imagined anything would break them, but he knew he only had himself to blame. The warrior inside him was determined to win her back. He would fix the wrongs he had done in his life and make things right between them.
He walked back to the ranch. The air was starting to cool after the long, hot day. When he pushed open the front door, the house was quiet. He moved into the living area, careful as he did so. He felt like an imposter in a home that was once his kingdom.
Surrounding him were photos of a life that did not belong to him even though the boy in the pictures did. He was not sure how he felt looking at this young child who bared such an undeniable resemblance to him, and yet he did not know the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand, or who his favourite band was.
For the first time since Jake was born, Joel felt truly ashamed that he had not been in his life. He carefully sat down on the sofa, wiping away the beads of sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand.
He could hear the sound of footsteps outside of the room becoming louder as they passed through the corridor. He quickly and carefully placed the silver photo frame of Jake on a fishing trip back on the glass table, next to a small crystal lamp that had belonged to his mother. He did not want to get caught touching anything in the house. It was his brother’s house now. No longer was it the family home.
He wondered if Austin had any regrets. He couldn’t imagine that he did. When he had spoken to his brother for the first time in years, he was met with a stone cold silence. When he had said that he wanted to see Jake, he was met with rage.
Joel had lots of regrets and secrets that had kept him awake at night whilst Mimi had slept peacefully in his arms, blissfully unaware of the life he had turned his back on. He thought there would be a moment in time when he would be able to tell her, to let his secret out of the hidden depths he had buried within himself, but that time had never come. He had gone to war, fought the enemy, and moved like a cat in the jungle searching for prey. He had been brave, but facing the mistakes of the past and saying those mistakes aloud to his wife had become too tall of a task.
Later that night, Joel crept into the bedroom where Mimi lay. Her dark hair flowed freely over the white, crisp sheets. Her bare arm was draped gently across her stomach.
Back in London, he would never have hesitated to slip in next to her and tenderly pull her body close to his. Now, everything was different. This wasn’t just a simple argument that could be settled with a wise crack and a kiss.
“Are you awake?” he whispered.
Mimi stayed silent. She was unsure what to say to her husband. She turned and looked at him. In a way, it was as if he was a ghost. She was sure that if she rubbed her eyes, he would disappear.
Joel’s gaze moved to Mimi’s eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he said quietly.
Mimi sat up in bed, pulled her knees into her chest, and sighed.
Joel took a small step toward her, and then stopped, staying rooted as he waited for her permission to move closer. Mimi felt awkward and uneasy. She was in the same room where she had made love to Austin. She was afraid that Austin would hear them talking.
“Are you all right?” Mimi asked.
“Truthfully, no. I am every inch of fucked up right now.”
“Where did you go today?”
“I just walked for miles. I needed to think. There is a place I used to go to as a kid, a meadow where my dad used to take us to fish and swim.”
Mimi tried not to show any recognition about the fact that she knew the meadow well. It was a memory that now belonged to her and Austin. She felt sick knowing that there were so many secrets between them both. She thought about telling him the truth about her and Austin. She tried to justify things by telling herself that it wasn’t cheating if she thought she was a widow.
Mimi knew that wasn’t reason enough in her own head to do the things that she had done, so she decided to keep it inside. She also had no idea what Joel had just been though, where his mind was, or how far the psychological damage of a war had affected him.
“So this is what happens to us when we are apart,” Joel said, pointing at Mimi’s cast. He ran his finger gently along the fading bruises on her cheek.
“Seems like it.” She managed a smile.
He noticed that Mimi was still wearing her wedding ring. It gave him some small reassurance that she had not given up on him entirely.
“What was it like out there?”
“Another world. Another planet. You are constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for somebody to jump you or waiting for a bomb to explode in your face. There were a few moments when I really thought I was going to die. And the whole time I was thinking of you.”
He gently moved himself further onto the bed, but he was careful not to touch her.
Mimi propped the pillows up behind her and sank her shoulders into them.
“Were you scared?”
“I was scared of not keeping my promise to you. I promised you I was coming back. After Eric died in front of me, I thought I was next.”
Mimi nodded thoughtfully. “I’m so sorry about Eric.”
“Thank you, but that’s what we all signed up for. We know that when we go in, there is a good chance we are not coming back out.”
“You are here,” she said with a smile that was both sad and happy.
“Did Austin take care of you?”
Mimi froze. His question caught her off guard, and she felt her cheeks flush. She was certain that Joel could see their story written all over her face. She’d never been good at keeping secrets. She was always lousy holding her cards close to her chest.
“Yeah. Well, I mean, he took care of all the medical stuff.”
“Is that all he took care of?”
Mimi was unsure how to read Joel’s tone. She felt her mouth go dry and wished that she could somehow disappear.
“He’s been accommodating,” she said flatly.
“Good,” Joel said with a weak smile. She tried not to breathe too hard, to indicate her relief that he was not pressing her about Austin any further.
“Can I stay with you tonight?” Joel asked.
“I’m not ready. Joel, there is nothing more I wanted than for you to come back to me, but I can’t move past you not telling me the truth. Did you think I wouldn’t have understood?”
“If I
told you that I had a kid, I know that you and I would have still been together. Sure, it would have complicated things, but we would have gotten through it.”
“So why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I ran away from my kid, and I don’t think you would have gotten past that.”
“How do you know?”
“By the way you are looking at me right now, it’s like I’ve already lost you.”
“Don’t you dare put this on me, Joel. The mistakes that you have made are…well, I don’t even know what to say, but it’s the secrets that you kept from me, that’s the part I can’t seem to get past. I have no idea who the hell I married.”
“You do know me, Mimi Mimi.”
“Don’t call me that,” she said, shaking her head. “Just don’t call me that.”
***
Mimi
In the early hours of the morning, a storm rolled in. Mimi had fallen asleep, but the wind rustling in the falling leaves stirred her. Thunder rumbled, followed by jagged lightning bolts. The rain lashed hard against the windows.
When she opened her eyes, she saw Joel still next to her, staring at the inclement weather.
She thought back to the morning when she had awoken from a nightmare, the day before she was told Joel had been killed. Back then, she would have given anything for him to be right back next to her. She had been so in love with him, the Joel that he made her believe he was.
Her feelings for Austin snuck up on her. She certainly hadn’t planned it. When she learned the truth about Joel, the prism through which she saw him distorted and blurred the parts of him that were familiar to her.
She also realised that she never shared a real life with Joel—the daily things, like paying bills, going food shopping, or reading next to each other in bed. She had been wrapped up in an adventure with him, exploring places with each other and sharing their hopes and dreams for the future.
They lived in the moment together because they always knew they were on borrowed time, awaiting news of his next deployment, so they had used their time together as a bucket list, loving passionately without condition. Now Mimi thought she had deluded herself. She hadn’t pushed for the truth hard enough, and as much as she hated to admit it, there were signs, but she had chosen to ignore them.
Meg had her reservations about Joel. Mimi had chosen to ignore her and tell herself that as much as she loved her friend, she had no idea what being in love felt like. Meg always had a new exciting man on the go. Even her short time in Texas had proved that.
She remembered Meg’s warnings. “Don’t forget that old saying, honey. They have a girl in every port.” Mimi had laughed off her friend’s playful but meaningful jibe.
“What else have you lied to me about?” Mimi whispered.
“Nothing, I swear it.”
“Have you ever cheated on me?”
“What? No, of course not,” he answered quickly.
In the past, when she asked him a question, she had taken his answer as the gospel truth. Now she was searching for clues. Did his gaze meet hers? Did he answer too quickly, too slowly? Was his voice even and cool, or was it anxious? She knew her trust been broken with him, and she wasn’t sure that she would be able to find a way back to that trust.
Joel turned away from the window. Her question was to be expected. He had prepared himself for it; he’d even gone over what he was going to say in his mind, over and over.
Have you ever cheated on me?
Her words echoed in his head long after she said them.
Chapter 26
London: The Third Date
It was just past 10:30 p.m. The last orders were put in at The Mad Hatter, a nineteenth-century pub located off Portland Place. It had been a gloriously sunny, hot day in London.
Joel met Mimi after work. They went out for dinner and prepared for a night where they would meet friends for drinks. This was the night that Joel met Meg for the first time. When she had pulled him in for a kiss on his cheek, she had seductively brushed her hand across his chest. Mimi was smiling and hugging another friend, Fiona, who she hadn’t seen in weeks. She hadn’t noticed. The night was fuelled with too much red wine and fun-filled laughter. The crowds of office workers had come in droves, ready to shake off the pressures of a long, hard week and let a beer or two take off the edge.
After the evening drew to an end, a feisty bunch of men gathered in the archway of the pub door. Mimi had hailed a black cab, unaware of the commotion going on behind her.
When she turned back, she saw Joel with his arm around Meg, leading her away from the jeers. “Those guys are trouble,” Meg slurred, unsteady on her sky high black heels.
“I could talk to them, tell them to shut the hell up, but I’m afraid I’d kill them. And if a Marine gets into a fight with a civilian…well, let’s just say that I’d get in some serious shit.”
Mimi looked back at the men, feeling a knot in her stomach. “Meg, you need to get in the cab. Come back with us.”
“I can’t. Have to get back to my flat. My mother is coming for the weekend. You know what she’s bloody like. She’ll be at my door at the crack of dawn, so I need to get back.”
“Joel, go with her, please,” Mimi pleaded.
“Oh, don’t be daft. I can handle myself,” Meg said.
“Seriously, Meg. I don’t trust those guys. I have a really bad feeling. Just let Joel go with you.”
Meg gave Joel a sideways glance. He paused for a moment. “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you in the morning.” He gave Mimi a firm kiss on the lips.
“Oh, and Joel? Be a gentleman and give my bestie your jacket.”
Mimi got into the cab with Fiona. Joel and Meg watched the taxi roar down the London street. The indicator flashed left and disappeared out of sight, then Meg turned to face him. “So, back to my place, soldier boy?”
He hadn’t planned it, but he didn’t resist it either.
When Joel walked Meg to her door, the security light flipped on. A voice in his head was telling him to leave it there, but he was drawn in by her mouth—her full, pouty, and lustrous lips were too inviting.
“So, are you coming in?” Meg said, propping herself up against the door frame and removing her heels, gently rubbing her tired feet. Meg locked her gaze directly onto Joel, speaking in a husky tone.
“You’re drunk, Meg.”
“So are you.” She giggled.
Joel stood with his hands by his sides. He was attracted to Meg, but he knew that it could only lead to something bad if he were to accept her invite. If he walked through that door, whether or not something happened, it would only scream out what his intentions were.
He craned his neck. Looking past Meg, he could hear the sound of music in the background.
“Do you live with somebody?”
“No, I’m all alone. I just set the TV so people think I’m in. As you can see, I’m not in the best neighbourhood. So many break-in’s and drug deals around here. Actually, I feel a little uneasy tonight, so a big, strong Marine staying with me would make me feel, shall we say…safe.”
Joel shook his head. “I don’t know. This isn’t right. I’m seeing Mimi. You’re her best friend, remember?”
Colour rose to Meg’s cheeks. She stumbled backwards, looking slightly embarrassed. Joel grabbed her by the arm, stopping her from falling.
“Easy there, girl.”
She glared at his hand gripped around her and then looked up at him. She slowly moved her lips towards his.
Suddenly, he stepped back. “What are you doing?”
“I…I thought this is what you wanted. Jesus, Joel, you were flirting with me all night at the pub. I’m not an idiot, I know the signs.”
“You read them all wrong. I’m with Mimi.”
“Right, Mimi. And you’ve known her, what, all of five fucking minutes?”
“Watch yourself, girl,” he said, leaning into her, whispering in her ear. “I’ve known her for a short time, but you’ve known her for your
whole life. She’s your friend. As I see it, you are nothing but a whore hitting on your best friend’s boyfriend. Now, take yourself to bed and sleep off your stupidity. I’ll never mention this to Mimi. It would break her heart. Hopefully in the morning, you’ll wake up and thank your lucky stars I’m not there next to you. Once you deceive somebody, it can never be undone.”
Meg looked at him like a deer in headlights. She couldn’t find the words to say, so she nodded and sank her body into the darkness of the flat with nothing but the light from the TV highlighting the shame on her face.
When she closed the door, Joel reached into his pocket and called Mimi. It went straight to her answer phone.
“Hey babe, it’s me. Just wanted to let you know that Meg is safe and sound back at her place. I’m missing you already. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He stared at the bright red door and at the corner of his eye he saw the flicker of the curtain.
Meg was watching. He raised his hand and waved her goodbye, then he started walking away.
“Joel…you forgot your jacket,” Meg said, standing in a t-shirt, her bare legs tanned and long.
He eyed her up and down. Without saying another word, he walked back up the path and took his jacket. Meg planted her mouth on his. He ran his hand up her shirt and then grabbed her bottom.
“Do you want to see just how much of a whore I can be, soldier boy?”
Without thinking further, he walked through the front door.
When Mimi got home that evening, she threw her keys onto the kitchen table. She was exhausted, but happy. She was so pleased that her friends seemed to really like Joel. It meant so much to her. Winston, her cat, jumped off the sofa, arching his back and stretching. He then circled around Mimi’s legs, purring like a car motor, clearly seducing her for food.
Bending forward, she stroked the cat and let her hand glide across his silky black fur. She felt her phone vibrate and saw that she had a voicemail from Joel. She listened to his deep Texan accent and smiled.
Till Death Us Do Part Page 20
