But that knowledge didn't make it easier to accept the cruelty he was capable of.
Because, fact of the matter was, one afternoon when I was sitting with L feeling useless, I had finally looked into him.
And a search of Renny Renolds West led me pretty immediately to a Roland West and a Katherine Renny-West. And the scary thing about that, going in knowing he ran away and he was dealing with some psychological issues, was the fact that Roland West and Katherine Renny-West were both shrinks.
You would think that two people in the mental health field could easily produce a very well-rounded and stable child. But, more often than not, in my career, I had found just the opposite to be true. Especially when both parents were in the mental health field.
As I read through all the articles and accolades for the power couple, I got a sick, twisting, God-awful feeling of dread in my stomach. I could find no proof of it, but I knew I just knew they had somehow used that innocent little boy of theirs as a guinea pig. They poked his buttons to see if he screamed or laughed or raged or peed himself.
And they created a monster that did the exact same thing.
Circles, vicious, awful circles.
We were all seemingly doomed to them.
Even people like me and Renny who made our lives figuring out why people were the way they were, who understood human frailty, who knew how to take those predispositions and use them against people or use them to try to help people understand them too.
We were still caught in our own circles.
"See, now you know something about me," I said, turning away to the soup again, knowing I didn't want to mess with it, but stirring it to distract myself.
"So what did you find out about him then?" he asked, all easy charm again, leaning against the counter beside the other side of the stove.
I took a breath and turned my head to him. "You're allowed to have your dark moods, Renny. And I'm allowed to be resentful about what you said when you were in one."
"Sweetheart..." he said, eyes going just a little sad and I found I didn't like that look there, but that didn't change anything either.
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I understand that you maybe can't help it, Renny, but it doesn't make that behavior okay. I know you can turn it off like a light switch, but I don't work that way."
"So what you're saying is..." he prompted, tone cautious. Worried, he was worried.
Maybe that was a good thing.
"I am saying you need to walk away and leave me alone and I will talk to you again when I want to talk to you again."
"Mina, I don't want..."
"Too bad," I cut him off. "You don't get to have what you want when you want it all the time. And right now you don't get my forgiveness. You'll get it eventually. When I am ready to give it. Until then, a wide berth would be appreciated."
I said it.
I even sounded like I meant it.
But the last thing I truly wanted was a wide berth.
In fact, a strange, prominent part of me actually wanted to walk over to him, curl into his chest, and feel his arms wrap around me.
But that wouldn't work.
Because if things progressed with me and him, as they seemed like they would be doing, despite my better judgement, then there needed to be ground rules and there needed to be an understanding about what was and was not acceptable. Then there needed to be consequences to actions outside of those boundaries.
If I gave in, if I forgave him like it was no big deal over something small like the confrontation we just had, then it would give him permission to keep doing it, to let it escalate.
And that wasn't okay.
So as much as I felt like I was choking on my own tongue when I said it, I got the words out.
Renny watched me for a long minute, looking for a fracture he could dig into and use to collapse my anger.
But he found none.
So he nodded, eyes even sadder. And his tone when he spoke was almost defeated. "Whatever you need, sweetheart."
With that, he was gone.
And I tried to convince myself that that was what I wanted.
NINE
Mina
I went to bed early.
But only in the literal sense.
I brought myself into the room and climbed into the bed early.
I didn't sleep.
Of course I didn't. Because after Renny left and Lazarus came back into the kitchen and declared that I hadn't fucked up the Kitchen Sink Soup, we called everyone to dinner and everyone took their bowls to various spots to eat.
Renny respected my wishes. He took his bowl and sat with Reeve and Lazarus on the couch, watching some kind of survival show on TV and all having strong opinions on the survival methods used by the contestants.
I sat with Cyrus who was, as one would expect, and easy conversationalist. He went on and on about the new coffeeshop, She's Bean Around, and the 'crazy ass chicks' who owned it. He told me some stories about growing up around The Henchmen compound, though unlike Reign, Cash, and Wolf's mothers, Cyrus and Reeve's mother tried to keep them as far away from the place as possible. From what I heard about the way Reign's father ran things in his day, I didn't blame her. And once her husband was gone, she took them as far as fast as she could.
"Why didn't you guys come back to prospect sooner?" I asked, taking my last spoonful of soup and deciding it was my favorite recipe. And I was even pretty sure I could make it again.
"Eh, you know how it is. Reeve had moved out when he was eighteen, got an apartment, started training and working. As soon as I aged up, I just showed up at his door. We were young and liked the independence and lack of rules. Our ma was a real hardass. We had ten o'clock curfews even on Friday nights in senior year. We were just having fun. We would see the guys around from time to time and talk about 'maybe one day' but it never felt right."
"But it felt right now? When there's a real danger involved? And when, for all intents and purposes, you guys have a good, crime-free life going?"
It wasn't normal for grown men with decent jobs and their shit together who had grown up with a strong and law-abiding mother to just suddenly decide to become arms dealers.
"Our little sis just moved off on her own about a year ago so we didn't have to worry about her anymore. It just seemed like a sign, y'know? And we did some research and found out that Reign had kinda turned shit around to be less twisted. Figured it was now or never. A bucket list kinda thing, I guess? Besides, I work at a damn coffee shop. Not like I am giving up a whole hell of a lot by prospecting here."
"You guys have a sister?" I asked, surprised it was the first I was hearing of it.
"Yeah, Wasp is a little..."
"Wasp?" I cut him off, smiling. Granted, Reeve and Cyrus weren't common names, but they're weren't off-the-wall either.
"Nickname," he explained. "She's a hellion. My mom once told her she acted like a queen bee and she objected and said she wasn't a bee because bees died after they stung you and that she was a wasp instead, because they just kept on stinging all they fucking wanted. It just stuck."
"She sounds like a character."
"Yeah, she took after Pops earlier than we did."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning she got herself a fucking converted school bus and some female friends and she runs fucking cons across the country. She'll likely drop in sometime now that she knows we finally bit the bullet. She's been encouraging this since we were teens, said if it wasn't a sexist place, she would prospect herself. She would have too. And her ass would have gotten in. In a weird way, she'll be proud of us."
Seeing as I worked in a criminal organization, I could understand that. It was always a big deal to get accepted. Especially when the organization was as old as The Henchmen MC.
"Have you ever done anything even remotely illegal? Or are you just jumping in?"
"Does all the typical teenage shit count?"
"What typical teenage shit?"
"Smoking,
fighting, illegally downloading shit, drinking, maybe even a B&E or two, but nothing got taken. It was just to fuck with these assholes that were always yelling at us to stop hanging out on the street."
"No rap sheet, no crime," I offered.
"Then I'm a regular mother fucking boy scout. Think that works against me here?"
"I think it's important to not have the law looking too close at you. If you had already had a bunch of charges for arms, they would start looking at you closer. Clean slate might be just what they need around here."
"Good to know. Where is everyone?" he asked, gesturing around to the mostly-empty room.
"Reign went to see Wolf and Janie. Cash and Repo are entertaining the kids with some kind of hoverboard thing he ordered. The women are likely taking a much-needed nap."
"And Duke?"
I felt my lips curve up a little wickedly at that. "He and Penny just met a couple months back so whenever they get the chance..."
"Gotcha," Cyrus said with a smile that was leaps and bounds more devilish than mine. "So you and Renny. That's an interesting matchup."
"Why's that?"
"Because you both have this lightswitch thing."
I felt myself stiffening at that. Renny was the one with a lightswitch. Not me.
"How so?"
"You both turn hot and cold in a blink. He's warm, you're usually cold. He's cold, you're warm. Both of you walking outta that kitchen a bit ago, it was like the fucking North Pole up in here. But, I guess that must mean when you're both warm, it's fucking hot as hell, right?"
"Right," I agreed, sitting there a little dumbstruck by his declaration.
I had never considered myself a hot and cold person. Mostly because I generally accepted that I was mostly cool most of the time.
But either I had been wrong about myself my whole life, or I was suddenly becoming warmer at times.
And, really, I knew exactly what and who caused that.
Which put me excusing myself with a supposed headache and going back to our room, remembering right then that I was going to have to share a bed with him. But there was nothing I could do about that at that point. So I grabbed my duffle bag and made my way to the bathroom to realize that there was a reason Ashley had been in such a rush to pack my bag.
Because she left out some essentials.
Namely, anything that could be worn as pajamas.
I suddenly got the impression that everyone in my life was on some kind of mission to push me and Renny together. When the hell did I become that pathetic friend that everyone wanted to set up?
On a sigh, I walked back out into the bedroom and snagged one of Renny's t-shirts out of his drawer. He was taller than me, but not by that much. So the t-shirt was not a dress on me; it came down maybe two inches past my crotch, covering my hot pink pantie-covered ass. It wouldn't matter anyway; I would be under the covers, pretending to be asleep.
So I brushed my teeth, washed off my makeup, turned down the lights, and climbed in the bed, laying as close to the edge as was possible without falling off, curling up, closing my eyes, and spending the next two hours overthinking.
Sometime around midnight, the door opened and closed quietly and Renny walked around to his side of the bed, picking up the remote and turning the TV on before grabbing some things out of the dresser and going into the bathroom to shower.
He came back smelling even stronger of that scent that always clung to his skin. I didn't dare look. The room had a glow from the TV that I could see even with my eyes closed. He would know I was awake. So I stayed as still as possible as he climbed under the sheets, shifted around for a couple minutes, then fell asleep.
And I knew he was asleep because he was right, he talked.
I moved slowly, sitting up, watching him for a long minute, his face almost seeming more severe in sleep- likely because it was lacking his frequent easy smile. The fact that his dream must have been a dark one probably didn't help. His voice was low and dark, most the words coming out mumbled, but I could make out curses here and there and the occasional deep, pained growl of "no".
I reached into the nightstand and pulled out my old Gameboy, climbing under the sheets like a tent to muffle the sound, and played as Renny tossed and turned.
"You catch anything good?" his sleep-groggy voice asked, making me start so hard that I actually dropped the Gameboy onto my lap. My head jerked over to find him under the sheet with me, his light eyes shining even in the dark.
Feeling oddly caught, I yanked the sheets down until they fell down to my hips. Renny appeared in the television light too, still watching me.
"Forgot something," he murmured a second before I felt his fingers tracing near the inside of my knee and slowly start gliding up, making my belly go liquid immediately.
"I, ah, yeah, Ash packed me. She obviously forgot to... Renny," I warned as his fingertips whispered up and slid in toward my inner thighs.
"Not what I meant, but it's a nice fucking bonus," he said as his finger touched the edge of my panties where it met my hip then slid across the waistband then down just slightly. I expected to feel him press between my lips, to stroke his finger up and find my clit and put an end to the throbbing sensation there. Instead, he snagged the Gameboy I had utterly forgotten about and lifted the weight off of me, pulling it up and turning it off.
"Oh, right," I said, my voice a little airy.
He arched up, balancing on one arm and moving over my chest to put the thing down on the top of my nightstand, taking his sweet time about it. Then, just as slowly, his head turned to look at me looking, I was sure, for some sign of objection.
As much as I wanted to muster some, I couldn't.
"Forgive me yet?" he asked, voice a low rumble.
"I..." I started, swallowing hard against my dry mouth.
"Not yet, huh?" he asked, lips twitching slightly as he moved back to my side, but closer, his whole front against my whole side. "Let's see what I can do about that then," he said, promise in his eyes.
His hand reached out and brushed my hair off to the side, touching the logo on the front of the tee. "I like you in my shirt," he told me as his hand flattened and moved to the side, completely covering my breast and squeezing with perfect pressure, making me arch up slightly as my air rushed out of me.
God, it had been so long since I had been touched. And I had wanted him from the first time he smiled at me with blood in his mouth, as crazy as that was.
His thumb and forefinger found the gently hardened bud of my nipple and rolled it, sending a jolt of need so strong between my legs that I had to press my thighs together to try to ease the desire.
"Sensitive," he murmured as his fingers pinched the point slightly before his hand moved across my chest to give my other breast the same attention.
By the time his hand slid down my belly, I was pretty sure I had never been more turned on in my life. Every nerve ending was poised, was receptive to even the slightest of touches. His hand pressed down hard on my lower stomach that already felt oddly heavy.
"Look at me," he demanded and my head shifted on the pillow to find his face.
It happened simultaneously.
His lips crashed down on mine.
And his hand pressed between my legs.
I cried out against his lips, the sound muffled by his mouth, as my hips shifted slightly toward him. There was no teasing. No hinting at touching the sweet spot but not actually doing it. His fingers landed on my clit and immediately started working it in hard, slow circles.
"How about now?" he asked, lifting his head slightly, eyelids heavy.
But words weren't exactly something I was capable of at that moment.
"No?" he asked, smile wicked. I lost his fingers for a second before they slid up and then under my panties, stroking up my wet slit and finding my clit again. "Let's try this then."
He worked me for a long minute, eyes watching me intensely, as he drove me upward. And then his lips pressed down on mine again.
<
br /> Again, it was simultaneous.
His tongue thrust into my mouth.
And his fingers thrust inside me.
I jolted, turning onto my side, my leg hooking over his hips as his fingers curled inside me, raking over the top wall and making gentle, perfect, relentless strokes over my G-spot as he kissed me hard, hard enough to bruise.
Hard and soft at the same time and it was an overwhelming sensation as he forced me to feel them simultaneously until I felt like I was teetering on the edge of something that threatened a pleasure that bordered on pain.
And I felt myself instinctively recoil from it, to pull away, to avoid the things that might be impossible to protect myself from.
"Shh," Renny whispered as his lips left mine. His breath was warm on my face and my eyes fluttered open. "Just let it happen, sweetheart. I got you."
Somehow, in that moment, I found myself putting my faith to rest in that. I found myself trusting him.
So when he pushed me back to the edge again, I didn't try to plant my feet, to fight it, to pull away.
The orgasm tore through me- a deep, hard throbbing that made my entire body shudder once as Renny pressed his forehead to mine and I cried out loudly, fingers digging into his arm and back hard enough that there were sure to be marks after.
As the shocks subsided, his free arm slid under me and curled up, grabbing me at the base of my skull, and pressing my head into his chest as his fingers continued a slow, lazy thrusting, bringing me back down.
But even when the orgasm was done, his fingers stayed inside me, a kind of intimacy I would have recoiled from normally.
Sex was sex.
Intimacy was a different animal entirely.
And I had never been comfortable with it before.
But somehow, in that room, in that bed, in the arms of a man I knew was as unpredictable as the weather, it not only felt comfortable. It somehow felt right.
Right in that moment, I couldn't seem to stop myself from blurting out what had been on my mind, and the subsequent insecurity that went along with it.
Renny (The Henchmen MC #6) Page 10
