by Anika Rahman
“Yup!” I grinned back as I stepped into the circle of his arms and we swayed to the slow music that was being provided. Adrian really outdid himself.
I looked around, avoiding his eyes which were staring at me, studying me intently. It’s as if he wanted me to do something. I could somehow sense it so I sighed audibly before placing my head on his chest. Adrian’s grip on me tightened as he carefully buried his head in my hair.
We stayed like that for a while, holding onto each other, swaying to the music, listening to each other’s heartbeats. I tried to cherish this moment as much as I can. I knew that we were friends only and we had to keep it this way. He kept acting as if we were dating. I slightly pulled away from his embrace, but he only tightened his hold on me. Adrian sighed and I flinched.
He raised an eyebrow at me and I had to look up to meet his stormy gaze that was filled with hurt, agony and something else I couldn’t pinpoint.
If someone had told me that I would face my nightmare today and dance with him, I would’ve laughed at their positivity. There was no way I was going to face my nightmare. But, who knew that our fate could be so blunt?
It happened anyways. Aquamarine mist surrounded me as a beautiful silvery-gray mist surrounded Adrian. The mists mingled together and increased in size, stretching all the way across the greenhouse. The mists somehow represented our eye colors and they were so beautiful.
I looked up into his aquamarine eyes and he looked into my dull, pale gray eyes. I tried to look away, but I couldn’t I gasped and tried to take a step back, but it was way too late. I was pulled into my nightmare once again. It was Christmas Eve all over again.
* * * * *
It gave the impression of a ruthless snowing season this monotonous December. Well, not so dull because this year, I won’t spend it sort of alone. The entire city looked like a colorless, pale land full of lumps of snow all over the place. Usually, you would expect a white winter to be very striking and look like a winter wonderland where Snow White would most likely live. But not this dreary winter. Living through this mind-numbing season was like wearing only glitzy pink or yellow for your entire life while being imprisoned in a large, inexpressive box with only one shade surrounding you for what seemed like forever. Everywhere you looked was white, snowy and . . . unadorned. On top of that, the weather had not been so neighborly either. The wind was so strong, people would be constantly afraid of being knocked off their feet. Well, that is your typical New York City winter.
I bestowed a sideways glance at the curly haired boy sitting next to me in the car, driving. This was our first ever Christmas together so I was a bit zealous about it, despite the frigid month. I really, really love summer but for now, just for now, I love winter. I tried to appreciate every bit of it.
For Christmas, I got him an instant taco maker since he loved tacos for Christmas. And in case he didn’t like that, I also got him a medieval sword set with each of the edges of the swords bordered with what looked like rhinestones making it easy to wound deep into any flesh because he also loved swords. I had once asked him what he likes and feels somewhat of a passionate link to. From what I heard, he noticeably doesn’t like anything that is safe or unhazardous.
“Anything that could perhaps prod someone’s eye out or injure them enough without actually slaying them in certain cases,” he had said. I had tried to grasp all os that information, but it simply was impossible. It’s just really hard to get a guy some sort of a gift for any occasion.
I wonder if he would even like any of the gifts I had gotten him. To be honest, I always have trouble getting gifts for people not matter what the occasion is. When I was ten years old, I had gotten my twelve year old brother a Barbie doll. Now, every time I think about it, I just laugh at myself, but hey, I was little with no common sense whatsoever. When I was fourteen and my brother was sixteen, I had gotten him a whole set of pretty dresses which he had eventually ended up returning back to me, telling me that it was my early birthday gift. I had cried for a whole month, thinking that he had hated my gift, but he reassured me that the gifts were not macho enough, but it’s the thought that counts.
“What’s wrong, Roza?” he asked, unmistakable uneasiness coloring his deep, husky, British voice. He shifted in his seat slightly, trying to appear casual, but failing at it. Sometimes, he looked as if he had forgotten how to do the world’s simplest of things. One morning, he had gotten up and asked me how to use the bathroom. Fortunately, Elliot helped him out with that. If you overlooked all of this weirdness, he was really a great guy.
By the look on his face, I could tell that he had seen me moments ago toying with my charm bracelet, a gesture that mirrored my awkward mood. I always toyed with that bracelet every time I was nervous, upset, or even uneasy around something or someone. He was the one who had gotten me that bracelet the first time we met about ten months ago. I loved it and made it a permanent part of my mundane life, adding a little pizazz to my life.
Even though he obviously knew my name was Rosemarie, he insisted on calling me Roza while most people called me Rose. He told me that he loved that name; it’s like an affectionate name for me and just for me. Since the first time we met, he had never ever called me anything else but Roza; unless he was uptight with me which was just once. I told him I was fine when I was really sick therefore, he got mad at me for a whole hour before finally giving up.
“Nothing, really,” I shrugged. I really don’t know why he was so concerned about me all the time. I mean, hello, I’m not fading from your life at the moment or anything. Even though this sometimes perturbed me, I still found it really kind and romantic. He wouldn’t let anyone look at me or even touch me. He was a bit possessive of me and for some weird reason, I liked it. I don’t know why but I just did.
“Well . . . okay then. Let’s talk about our Christmas wishes. You first,” he said tensely, looking straight ahead, clearly not induced by my reply, but still unwavering to alter the topic of our conversation onto something else. If we were actually even having a conversation.
I smiled at his attempt at trying to make small talk. Due to the dim lighting of the glum, freezing night, I couldn’t really make out his features as we rocketed past numerous streetlights. If I examined his face closely, which I did, I can see the auburn curls carelessly falling onto his forehead. He smiled, clearly sensing how admiringly I was watching him. My cheeks unexpectedly felt very warm, despite the subzero temperature outside, but I answered him at last, letting my gaze slip back to the road.
“All I want for Christmas is to be able to spend the whole day with you. What about you?” I countered. My wish was probably thoughtless and very common, but at the moment, I didn’t really mind much.
“Well, all I want for Christmas is you. Nothing else; just you,” he said, turning slightly to face me, smiling away. Even then, I couldn’t really see his face which frustrated me even more. I turned to face him and the last thing I remember seeing was his dimpled smile as a car zoomed past us and the pair of bright, unnervingly blue-green eyes staring straight into mine, trying to read me.
And that is when it all came crashing down at that precise second when a car, deliberately, collided into ours and both cars went skidding across the slippery road, hitting a nearby tree.
Both cars skidded to a halt and I fell out from my side because I was so stupid that I didn’t even buckle up. I guess it is true what they say. Avoid the worst, put safety first. I was unable to avoid the worst. My head came in contact with the rock solid pavement and all I could see for a few moments were dancing stars, all holding hands, probably playing Ring-Around-The-Rosie. Shuddering, I tried to move my hand, only to encounter even more pain as it coursed through my body and sent more than necessary amount of blood flow to my brain. I could even smell the coppery fluid and taste the metallic flavor. For some reason, the accident seemed very premeditated to me.
My whole body ached even more as I felt a pair of familiar, warm hands take my head onto his lap. In the
coldness, in the middle of all the chaos going on, I could’ve sworn I heard a guy’s voice, probably in his early twenties, laughing and saying, “Good luck with that!”
My vision began to slowly become indistinct as my eyes began to close.
I could hear him urging me to keep breathing, hold onto my life and not close my eyes. I knew he was right above me, but for some peculiar reason, his voice sounded very distant.
The last thing I remembered were those beautiful eyes of his, fear, love and dismay written in them. Holding onto that bit of memory, I smiled, knowing that he loved me and he was safe, and inhaled my last breath.
* * * * *
I tried to get enough oxygen into my lungs so that I could breathe. Tears were streaming down my face furiously. Adrian’s face was filled with shock and his face was gleaming with tears as he pulled me into tight embrace and I whimpered. Did he just witness what I just saw? I held onto him as if my life depended on it. Then, I remembered that fallen angels can go through your mind to create any illusion they want. Adrian could be a fallen angel for as long as I know. I quickly pulled away from his grasp. My love for him was now replaced with curiosity and anger.
I was somehow trapped inside my nightmare, unable to do anything. This time, the person next to me in the car was . . . Adrian.
“NO! Roza, please don’t leave me again. I can’t even—” Adrian started as he tried putting a hand out at me to reach me, to pull me back into his embrace, but I took a few steps back.
“Who are you? What are you?” I asked and I hated myself for letting him see me in my vulnerable state.
“I-I’m Adrian,” he responded after a few seconds of hesitation.
“Liar! You are not Adrian and you never were,” I said as I ran out of the greenhouse and into the streets. I tried to ignore Adrian’s voice, trying to get me to run back into his arms but I was already far away from his arms and even further away from my past than I’ll ever be.
* * * * *
I took the picture in my hand and my heart broke even more. I had managed to get away from Adrian and into the safety of my own room. I looked into the picture of my mom, her strawberry red hair was dancing behind her with so much grace, and it almost hurt. I missed her so much. I was back in my room but I still didn’t feel safe.
“Why did you leave me? Why couldn’t you stay with me?” I whispered to the picture, knowing it was futile. I wish I could kill myself. I spilled the beans and told the picture about the events of this “lovely” evening.
“I wish I didn’t have to live this stupid life. Why can’t you take me to the wonderland you are living in right now?” I demanded as I felt a strong pair of arms snake around my waist and pull me closer to the stranger.
“Rose! Don’t you ever say that! Don’t you know what would happen to me if you were gone? What would I do? Did you ever stop to think that?” Elliot told me as he ran a hand through my tangled hair. I hugged him and held onto him as I cried into his shirt. I felt as if my heart was breaking into tiny little pieces that I was sure would be hard to revive. He was like a parent to me and I don’t know what I would do without him.
“I’m sorry, Elliot,” I whispered.
“It’s okay. I love you, lil’ sis,” he mumbled into my hair. My older brother was protective of me and I loved him for that but he didn’t know what was going on with me right now.
“Elliot, if you truly loved me, then you wouldn’t dodge my questions every time I asked you about the accident,” I said and he immediately pulled away to get a better look at me.
“Rose, are you saying that I don’t love you?” he asked, his voice heavy with emotions.
“Well, I don’t really know. Do you love me? I doubt that. I bet you that you lie awake at night, trying to figure out how to get rid of me or something. Or maybe, you lie awake each night, trying to find a way to kill yourself so you could be free. Wait, that’s what I do, not you,” I said, my voice dripping with all the venom in my heart.
“Rose!” Elliot yelled out incredulously. That’s right, get mad at me and hate me all you want. Maybe then, suicide will be much easier for me.
“Hey, the truth hurts but it is the truth. And if I remember correctly, you told me to always be truthful and never lie to you no matter what. Hey, I’m just following orders, like always,” I snapped and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Rose! What’s gotten into you? I thought you loved me too. I’m your older brother for God’s sake,” Elliot told me. His calm demeanor was pissing me off even more.
“Are you my brother? It looks as if I am the adopted child while you are Darla’s actual child,” I said. I’ve never talked about my mom this way but now, I didn’t care. All that I could see was red. That color brought back so many memories, I hated that color. The color of my mom’s hair, the color of love, the color of anger and most importantly, the color of my past.
“Rosemarie Allison Andrea Hathaway Ross!” my brother exclaimed.
“Since when do you have the right to use my full name?” I asked incredulously.
“Since you were born. Come and talk to me when you are done acting like a bitch,” Elliot swore and I flinched. He never cursed or even called me anything like that, even if I do something immoral. “I don’t even know what’s gotten into you. Just because you’ve had a bad day, that doesn’t mean you should take it out on your big brother. I’ve always loved you and I never thought that you would doubt that. I’ve always given you everything you’ve desired but I never thought that what you really desired was some stupid answers. I just want to keep you for as long as I can. When the time comes, you’re going to have to leave me,” Elliot said. “How do you think that makes me feel? I have to let you go eventually so I try to make the best of every single day. You have to respect me. I am older than you and I am your brother.”
“Yeah, yeah. When the time comes. It’s always like that with you. So ambiguous. I bet you Darla was like that, too. I could see that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. How would I know? No one’s ever told me anything,” I snapped as Elliot recoiled, tears glazing his eyes sky blue eyes. Great, another thing that both he and my mother had in common. “And resect, you say? You have to earn respect, not ask for it.”
“Rose! I’ll be downstairs making dinner. Just come and talk to me when you are done acting like such an arrogant bitch,” Elliot swore again. I gasped. I guess he’s just like everyone else.
“Anything else on your mind?! Are you done? Happy? Jeez, you’re just like everyone else. You all use me and just want to get rid of me. You use me and once you’re done, you think of the smartest way to get rid of me,” I said as I broke down.
Elliot’s hand kept clenching and unclenching. He walked out of my room, slamming the door to my room and heart. I really had a calloused heart and mind.
CHAPTER 14
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE THINGS THAT I WILL DO
Why is my life so stupid? I didn’t even know that it was nine in the morning until someone knocked on my door. I guess I was crying and must’ve fell asleep from last night’s fight with Elliot. I heard a knock on the door and I instantly jumped up on my bed, all alert and ready to kill whoever was on the other side of the door.
“Rose, please open up. We need to talk. Like, really talk,” Savvy said.
“Go away,” I groaned.
“No! We need to talk, Rose,” she said. I sighed and went over to open the door. Arguing with her was like arguing with the sun. You can’t argue what’s obviously right. As I opened the door, I saw her on the other side, wearing a simple pink dress with short sleeves and pink pumps with her golden brown hair pulled into a side ponytail. She looked beautiful as always. Why couldn’t I be more like her?
Every time I looked into the mirror, I saw a stupid, ugly girl with dull, pale gray eyes, bony nose and natural rose colored lips that were somewhere in between full and thin. Every time I looked at myself, I saw a girl with all bones, no muscle. I was too thin and average. Savvy, o
n the other hand, had flesh covering her entire body and she wasn’t too bony. She was all pretty and my brother got to her before any other guy in school. They were in a pretty serious relationship.
I led her over to my bed and she sat down, looked around until her gaze settled on me. I looked up to her and met her stunning gray-blue eyes which were now a pale shade.
“Rose, sweetie, what happened? Elliot told me about your fight last night and how you didn’t have dinner. Why didn’t you eat anything? You’re going to get sick,” Savvy said worriedly. She was basically like a mother to me. I wouldn’t know; I never actually had a mother.
“Nothing happened,” I said.
“Well, something did. Elliot never yells at you; He told me that he was really hurt by what you said. Why, Rose?”
When I didn’t respond to her, she sighed and pulled me in for a hug.
“Remember, he just wants to look out for you. He loves you, Rose. He doesn’t want to hurt you,” Savvy said.
“Where is Ells now?” I asked, giving in.
“He’s in his room, sulking around,” Savvy smiled satisfyingly. “So, tell me more about this mystery guy, Adrian,” she grinned.
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
“Looks like you do.”
“Looks like I don’t.”
“Rose, just give the poor guy a chance. He’s going to treat you like a queen,” Savvy reassured me.
“Easy for you to say. You’ve got Elliot,” I scoffed.
“Easy, don’t underestimate the things that I can do. I can break up with him right now you know,” Savvy challenged.
“Oh yeah? I triple-dog-dare you,” I retorted. Yeah, Savvy, take that.
“I can’t. You know I love him. Anyways, I’ve gotta head home. I’ll see you later, Rose. Please, consider the Adrian thing and go talk to your brother,” Savvy told me. I sighed and walked her to the door. After she left, I headed over to Elliot’s room. He was standing in front of his balcony, looking out.
