by Anika Rahman
“You don’t mean that, do you?” Adrian asked me quietly.
“I do, Adrian,” I said. He laughed and ran a hand through his already muddled hair.
“I’ve always imagined you saying those three magical words to me in our wedding, not during a break up,” he laughed again with a distant look in his eyes.
“Adrian,” I said, gaining my voice and self-control back again.
“Bullshit! That’s what all of this is,” Adrian snapped. I’ve never seen him this angry before. He is usually more controlled than this. He doesn’t easily lose his temper.
“Adrian, please. We have to stop seeing each other,” I begged and he sighed.
“I should’ve known that all this ‘us’ thing was a lie,” he said bitterly, pointing to himself and me when saying “us.”
“So you’ve faked our whole relationship in an attempt to get me to love you?” I asked him, my love replaced by anger.
“NO! I’ve really loved you from the beginning. I’ve stayed by your side the whole time and what do I get in return? Hate, pain, agony, torture,” Adrian laughed bitterly. “You know what? We should stop seeing each other. That moment when you came up to me to tell me that you love me, I knew that it was too good to be true. I hate you, Rosemarie. I really do,” Adrian snapped again and left my room. My whole body was filled with horror. His beautiful green eyes had just turned black moments ago, when he was yelling at me. I saw James’ eyes turn black before. This was not a good sign. I felt emptiness where my heart was. He never called me Rosemarie, just Roza.
“But I love you. Unconditionally. Forever. Always,” I said to principally nothing.
That’s it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I am not going to let that letter rule my life. My heart felt as if a giant had stepped all over a beautiful garden, the flowers dead. A garden filled with thorns. A garden filled with emptiness. A garden without love to nourish it.
I did what I thought was the right thing to do. If I couldn’t stop the stupid admirer, then I will stop my life, my breaths. I ran over to the bathroom and turned on the faucet. I let the cold water numb my wrists, satisfying my body with the lack of emotion. I turned off the faucet, took the blade and walked over to my bedside table.
I looked at the picture on the table, the one with me and Adrian. He was hugging me from the back and I had my head turned around, kissing his cheek while he smiled into the camera. I missed them, I missed us. I love Adrian. I don’t want to leave him, but if I’m not alive, he’ll have one less person to worry about. One less burden for everyone, right?
I looked down at my wrist, the blue veins under my skin was obscurer than before. My skin was just very pale but due to the cold water, my veins looked darker than before. I could hear my heart beating rapidly in my chest. The heart that couldn’t beat no more. My eyes burned with tears, but I knew that my eyes wouldn’t shed a single tear; they could cry no more. My whole body was filled with a mind numbing pain but I knew that I couldn’t feel anything anymore.
I looked at the picture next to the one with Adrian and me. It was a picture of Elliot.
“I’ll miss you, big bro. You were amazing. I love you. I’m sorry for doing this,” I smiled. The next one was my mom’s picture, her face shining for some reason.
“Don’t worry, mother. I’m coming,” I smiled again.
The last picture was of Adrian, his smiling face and his beautiful aquamarine eyes filled with love. Those blue green eyes were the only thing that could make me want to live. I looked into those eyes that were filled with love and smiled, inching the blade closer to my wrist.
“I’ll miss you, most of all, Adrian. I love you. Unconditionally, forever and always.”
With that, I plunged the blade into my wrists. I could feel the tissues tearing apart, making way for the blade. How I loved the sensation of pain. I’ve felt it many times before. This is nothing. Oh, how I loved the sweet sensation of pain. There is no other feeling both sweeter and bitterer than the feeling of being in unbearable agony.
Aeternum vale, Adrian. Farewell forever. I love you and you only. Unconditionally. Forever. Always. My heart belongs to you. I will always be yours and yours only. No one else can have me, not even death.
CHAPTER 20
MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
BEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!
BBEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPP!!!
What was that annoying sound? It has been going on for hours and I can’t even focus on my surroundings. Wait, I just said my surroundings. I was supposed to be dead. I cut my wrist and I am supposed to be dead. How am I out here?
I looked around and saw that I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Is this supposed to be some sort of a NDE? A bright light at the end of the tunnel. I looked around but there was nothing here.
I looked down at myself and saw that I was wearing the same aquamarine dress I wore on my death day. The same aquamarine as Adrian’s eyes. Thinking of Adrian made my heart ache really, really badly. I wish I could be in his arms but the sacrifice was worth it. If suicide meant Hell for me then I would rather be in Hell than let Adrian, Elliot, Maddie or Savvy die. I love all of them.
The light began to move towards me, brightening with each step it takes. I shielded my eyes with my hands but it was no use. I willed for it to stop and it did. The light started dimming until it was just faintly glowing with the outline of a tall figure behind it.
“Rosemarie? Is that you?” she queried in a musical voice. I know that it was a girl, I just somehow knew.
“Yes, it’s me but who are you? What do you want from me? Aren’t I supposed to be dead?” I asked, my voice hoarse from the screaming I’d done during my break up with Adrian.
My whole body ached but the wrists hurt more than anything else. I looked down to examine it and saw that they were slit open. You could see the flesh inside and the crusty blood surrounding it. Usually, the sight of blood would make me squeamish but I just didn’t get that nauseas feeling now.
“Don’t worry, child. I will not harm you. I mean no harm. I only desire answers from you, nothing else,” she answered in that magnificent voice of hers.
“Answers? Who are you? Why should I trust you?” I whispered and somehow, I felt as if I’ve known forever now. I felt a parental connection towards her.
“I’m the one who can get you out of here. Now, tell me, Rosemarie, what happened? You are not supposed to be here. I sent my children out to guard you for a reason. They must’ve messed up. Adonael was meant to guard you,” she said, pinching the bridge of her nose. I could see her silhouette only but it was enough to show her concern.
“Who’s Adonael? Your children are supposed to protect me? Who are they? What is this place?” I said helplessly. My whole body ached and I didn’t have time for this.
“This is the middle of nowhere. You’re in between death and life and it is up to you to choose. Answer my questions properly and then listen to me carefully. Make the moral decision to get to your next destination,” she answered and I nodded.
“Excellent! People end up here only if they kill themselves purposely. If they kill themselves without a purpose, then their death is futile and they eventually go onto Hell,” she said and waited for me to comprehend all of this.
“Why are you here? Why did you kill yourself?” she asked me in that sweet voice.
“I—I can’t tell you. I’m sorry,” I said and lowered my head so that I was looking at the ground. Just because no one else was around us, doesn’t mean that we were safe.
“Trust me, you’re safe here. You can tell me,” she told me and I, unwillingly, obeyed.
“Someone gave me a letter telling me to breakup with my boyfriend, Adrian. I didn’t know who wrote the letter but I wanted to find out. The person said that if I didn’t do as the person said, then he or she would try to kill the people I love. I broke up with Adrian but I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I didn’t want the stupid letter to rule my life so I attempted suicide. If I’m dead,
then the person can’t demand anything from me nor can the person try to kill the people I love,” I explained, wiping away the single tear that had managed to escape my eye.
“Oh, Rosemarie. You shouldn’t have done that. We all tried so hard to keep you alive. You came so close this time, all by yourself, and you gave up and killed yourself. We don’t have the time to try again with you. We’re worn out. Poor Adonael. That boy loves you so much. You two are soul mates,” she explained.
“What do you mean?” I asked in my current confused state.
“Well, dear, all fallen angles and angles have soul mates. Someone who they would reproduce with. Someone who is compatible with them. You were Adonael’s soul mate and he lost you now. He must be devastated. He waited for you forever now and you left him,” she said rather sadly. Who is Adonael?
“Well, dear, Adonael is the Archangel Adonael, my son,” she smiled and I didn’t realize that I said that out loud until she responded to me.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“Adonael is your Adrian, Rosemarie,” she smiled again. Oh. My. God. This could not be happening.
“Now, you have the choice of going back to Earth and living your life to find out about your past and fulfill your purpose or you could wait the next 50 years to start all over again, putting Adonael through that pain again,” she told me.
“But what about that letter?” I asked as a shiver made its way down my spine.
“Don’t worry; I’ll make sure that you’re safe. No one can harm you,” she said and made her way over to me. The light started to get brighter and again, I had to shield my eyes from her view.
“Close your eyes, dear,” she ordered and I did. I closed my eyes as she placed her hands on either side of my head. I somehow felt some kind pf power course through my body and I felt strong again. Unfortunately, I wasn’t strong enough to move my wrists without hissing in pain.
“Open your eyes. Now, make your choice. Do you want a second chance or not? Adrian will take drastic measures to keep you from dying completely, you know,” she grinned.
“But everyone thinks I’m dead,” I said but it felt more like a question.
“Yes but I could make it look like a miracle. So . . . what will it be?” she asked again, leaning forward.
“Wait, what if I don’t choose to go back to Earth? Where will I go then?” I asked.
“You will be simply dead, unlike everyone else. You will be dead while my other children will prepare you for your next incarnation in the next 50 years,” she said. So I will come back to life in the next 50 years, only to encounter pain all over again. I should just live through it now or I could wait for 50 years.
“What will it be? What will you choose?” she asked me again in an influencing voice.
“Rose, You’ve never come this far. My son Adonael always has to give you up whenever you find out the truth about him. That’s why he pretended to be someone else, just so he can be close to you. Just so he could love you and have you all to himself. He wanted to protect you,” she started. It took me a while to process all of this. Now, I knew who she was.
“Please, he didn’t mean anything he said to you. He truly does love you. He didn’t mean any of those negative things. He isn’t ready to lose you again, Rosemarie. I beg for forgiveness on his behalf, Rosemarie. Please forgive him,” she said in a shaky voice, bending on her knees to touch my feet. She was literally about to beg me and I took a step back, bent down and took her by the shoulders to bring her up to a standing position again.
“So . . . You are God, right? You’re Lord?” I asked, almost hopeful; almost.
“Yes, I am and I seek your forgiveness for Adonael,” she said again and I let out a shaky breath. This was a lot to take in. Adrian was my soul mate, my whole world, my everything.
“I forgive him,” I smiled and considered the offer; almost considered it.
“So . . . will you?” she asked me, her voice filled with hope and something else.
I thought back to what I told to the picture of Adrian back in my bedroom. I love you, Adrian. Unconditionally. Forever. Always. I guess those words were true. I do love him. A tear had managed to escape my eye and I quickly wiped it away.
“Oh, I understand if you don’t want to go back. We could try and wait for you again, Rose. Just say the word and you don’t have to go back. Adonael could wait. I’ll make him understand that this is what you wanted. He’ll understand, right?” she asked me in an unstable voice. For a moment, I thought that she was going to cry.
“Of course he’ll understand,” I smiled a sad smile, tears escaping my eyes in an orderly fashion. I was crying, in front of the Lord. This was just great. I didn’t want her to think I was weak so I furiously wiped at it.
“You and Adonael have that in common. Both of you don’t want to show your weaknesses to anyone but you two are not afraid to be yourselves and reveal yourselves to each other,” she smiled again.
“Yeah,” I said and an awkward silence stretched out between us. I sighed and decided to tell her what I wanted.
“So . . . about the offer,” I started.
“Yes?” she cut in. She leaned forward, her expression full of hope. She wanted to know what my answer was going to be. I love Adrian. Unconditionally, forever and always. I’m his forever. There’s no denying it. That’s it, I’ve made up my mind. I just have to say it.
“I love you, Adrian. Unconditionally, forever and always,” I whispered and I broke down again. I don’t know if this is the right choice or not but I’ve made up my mind. Once it’s done, it’s done.
CHAPTER 21
SECOND CHANCES
Once again, I was speechless. I don’t even know what to say. I know I’ve made up my mind, but I’m starting to have doubts.
“I really, really love Adri—Adonael,” I started again.
“I know you do. You two are meant to be together. Forever and forever,” she said, getting very edgy. “So . . . what is it going to be, Rose?” she asked me again. I sighed before looking up at her, holding up my head high to show no fear.
“I guess I will accept your offer,” I said and she sighed in content.
“You have to say it like a vow to actually escape this place,” she told me and I repeated myself this time, like a vow.
“I, Rosemarie, accept your offer. I will take your second chance and go back to Earth to fulfill my purpose. I will stay by my soul mate’s side, help him and love him. I will not fail you, Lord,” I said in a strong voice. I stated each word as if it made a huge difference which it did.
“Excellent, now, to finish off the whole ritual, you must think of something back on Earth that would make you want to live. Every time you think of it, it would make your life worth living. Remember, I will always be watching you, guiding you every step of the way. Don’t be afraid,” she told me. I conjured an image of Adrian, my soul mate. I thought of his beautiful aquamarine eyes, his angular cheekbones and those lips that were just like mine, not full and not thin.
I reminded myself of his warmth and his heavenly scent as if he was right next to me. I reminded myself of all of our kisses and misunderstandings, wishing I could go back there again and fix it all. I even felt as if I was floating in the air. All of a sudden, I couldn’t feel anything, not even that airy feeling. What was worst is that I couldn’t remember a single thing about Adrian or Elliot or anyone. Panic started to kick in when I realized that I couldn’t open my eyes either.
I felt something very bright shine on my face, but my eyes were closed. My whole body felt fine, no more pain but I heard distant voices which I recognized as Adrian’s and someone else’s. I waited for them to leave and then opened my eyes, slowly but carefully.
It took my eyes awhile to adjust, but once I did, I wish I hadn’t. I was in the hospital. Not just any hospital, a private hospital. I sat up and I thought that I would fall off or something, but I didn’t. There was no more pain in my body, not even the slightest bit. I looked do
wn at my wrist and smiled. Lord had healed me, she really healed me. There was just a faint scar along my wrist and nothing else.
I slowly got up and stretched. I noticed that there was a mirror and I looked into it. My eyes were full of life again, the same sparkle in them again. I looked scrawnier than usual, but I didn’t mind at all. I noticed that I was wearing a pale white dress now and may I say, it was beautiful. The dress had short sleeves and flowy skirt that reached mid-thigh. The dress also had a V-neck and an illusion neckline, revealing enough up to the top of my cleavage. The dress was beautiful and I loved it.
“Roza?” a voice asked and I turned around to see Adrian by the door. We were only about twenty feet away from each other, but those twenty feet felt like an entire lifetime. An older man instantly came up behind him and held onto his arms when Adrian was about to move towards me. I tried not to let my feelings show, but it was as if that man was trying to restrain him and I almost felt bad for not running up to Adrian to tell him that it was me, the real me.
Slowly, Elliot, Maddie, Savvy, James and even Lucifer came up behind Adrian and their face held the exact same expression Adrian’s held when he saw me: shock, fear, sadness and longing. All of them tried to enter through that door, but guards came up behind them to restrain each of them from getting anywhere near me.
“Adrian! You can’t! This isn’t her!” the old doctor said, holding onto Adrian as he struggled to get to me. I don’t even know what he would do once he came over to me. Would he hurt me? Hold me? Kiss me? Who knows?
Nurses and doctors slowly walked into the room, each of them took out something from their pockets and held it out towards me. They were holding religious symbols and I rolled my eyes at them. Seriously? Do I look like the Devil to them? Can’t they see Lucifer standing by the door?
“Be gone, witch,” said one of the nurses, her small voice trembling with fear.
