by Nic Starr
“Really? I was all gangly and pimply. You were magnificent and I couldn’t get enough of you.”
“So what happened?” Damien asked softly.
“To the pimples and pipsqueak body? I grew up.”
Nate’s attempt at humour fell flat and Damien didn’t let him get away with changing the subject. “You know what I mean. I never really understood why we went from something that had the potential to be something really great, to something that was… not.”
Nate glanced across the car again. “Remember that day we were caught kissing at the park?”
There was a pause as Damien obviously searched his memories. “Uh-huh. Back of the clubhouse, right?”
“Yep. That man, the gardener or whatever he was, he told me I was a pervert. Totally freaked me out. I had Trish with me, and she spent the whole walk home asking me what a pervert was and why I was one.”
“Bloody hell. That’s awful. That guy was obviously an ignorant arsehole. Why didn’t you say something?”
Nate shrugged. “I’m not sure really. I felt ashamed, I guess.”
“Ashamed of being gay?”
“No!” Nate started to object. “I don’t think so, not really. It just made me think of things I hadn’t given much thought to before. I mean, obviously I’d given my sexuality some thought, and admitted to myself that I was gay. But I hadn’t spent a lot of time analysing it and what it meant, how I felt about it, or really assessing my feelings and the impact on my future. I knew for sure that I was gay and that didn’t worry me. And being with you, well, that didn’t trouble me at all.”
“Up until then.”
“Up until then. I guess the newness and excitement of being with you was all I focused on for a long while. Then suddenly I started thinking about what it meant for Mum and Dad, and how they’d handle it. They were fairly conservative, and I knew by then I wanted to go into medicine. When Dad found out I wanted to go into medicine, he was so proud, couldn’t believe a son of his was going to go to university and become a doctor. Then when that old man called me a pervert and told me I shouldn’t be anywhere near Trish, a seed of doubt was planted that other people would think the same.”
“And that’s when you started to hide, to push me away?”
Nate looked at Damien. His features were shaded, but his eyes shone in the dim interior of the car. “I didn’t push you away. Not intentionally, anyway.”
“Hiding was the same thing. You can’t have a proper relationship if you’re hiding and not living life to the full. Three years we did that, tiptoed around to see each other, not to mention the years following, secretly seeing each other when you came home on holidays. It wasn’t ideal.”
“I’m sorry, Damien.” He was sorry, but Nate had lived for those breaks between university semesters when he could come home and spend time with Damien. He didn’t know how he would have coped if he hadn’t had that to fall back on.
“I know you are. I’m sorry too.” Damien reached across and placed his palm on Nate’s thigh. The weight was warm and comforting. “Not sorry we had that time together. I’m sorry it’s not been easy for you.”
“And what about you? Given we’re spilling home truths now.”
“Well, in the spirit of honesty, I think my heart was a little bit broken when you left, but we were teenagers. I’ve had my heart broken again since then.” Hearing Damien say those words was painful. “But there was something between us that was hard to ignore. I couldn’t stay away. As soon as I’d hear you were coming back for a visit, I’d be so excited. In a way I was sort of pleased you wanted to keep seeing me, but in some ways the relatively short distance between Forster and Sydney was torture because it made it all too easy for you to make quick weekend visits. And I had to force myself not to get in the car and make the trip to the city. I was glad when the visits started to taper off as you got too busy, but sometimes I just wished Trish and the kids would pack up and move to Sydney too. Ten years is a long time to be friends with benefits, Nate. In truth, I was relieved when you eventually broke it off. It was easier to move on and find something permanent.”
Now that really hurt. Damien was glad we ended things? Nate tried to keep his voice even but couldn’t help it cracking slightly. “And what about that guy you lived with?”
“Ah, Ross. He was a great guy.” Nate swallowed back another familiar stab of jealousy. “But we weren’t to be. Things were great while they lasted, but we wanted different things out of life. I’m happy with my quieter life, the business, living near the coast, while Ross wanted to stretch his wings, experience life in the big smoke.”
“And now?”
“I’ve been by myself for eighteen months. Not intentionally, but I don’t meet too many new people, not that I’m looking. And I haven’t changed what I want for the future. One day….”
Damien’s words faded and they both watched the highway flash by, Nate pondering Damien’s words and just how much he liked the idea of Damien’s dream: a simple and honest life with a family and a home.
Chapter FIVE
A COUPLE of hours later, they were passing over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, driving under the huge dark grey metal arch. The railings to the side of the roadway were too high to see over, but Nate knew that the Sydney Opera House was nestled on the edge of the harbour, just to the left and below them. As they passed the middle of the bridge, the city buildings came into view, well-lit and towering in front of them against the night sky. Neon signs illuminated some of the key landmark buildings, spelling out building names or company logos in an array of glowing colours.
“It’s spectacular, isn’t it?” Nate never got sick of seeing the city skyline at night with its sparkling lights.
“It sure is. I don’t usually drive into the city centre itself, so it’s different seeing it from this angle and at night.”
Nate gave directions, and Damien was soon pulling up outside the Hilton Hotel. “For someone not familiar with the roads, you did great driving in the city.”
Damien chuckled. “That’s most likely because you were telling me where to go and it’s the early hours of the morning. Peak hour would be a different story. I don’t think I could cope with the heavy traffic.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry from now on. We’ll leave the car parked here for the duration of our stay. It’s much easier to get around by public transport anyway.”
They left the car with the valet, and waved off his offer of help with their bags. Checking in wouldn’t take long, the lobby and reception area being pretty much like a ghost town. Nate sighed with relief. He was tired and stiff from over four hours in the car, and just wanted to get to a room quickly, shower, and hit the sack.
Nate crossed the tiled floor of the elegant lobby and approached the front desk, with Damien hot on his heels.
“Good evening, sir,” the smiling receptionist greeted as she eyed the bags in their hands. “You’re checking in?”
Nate nodded. “We don’t have a reservation but I’m hoping you have something.”
“Certainly, sir. I’m sure that won’t be a problem. Give me a moment and I’ll see what I can find.” She started typing while looking at the computer monitor. A few taps later and she looked up. “I have two rooms available on the same floor—”
“Oh, sorry, no. We’ll only need the one room.” Nate felt Damien stiffen beside him, and gave him a quick smile.
“Of course, sir.” She didn’t blink, her tone pleasant. “Will that be one or two beds?”
“It’d be great if you have a room with two doubles.” Hopefully Damien will be okay with that.
“Give me a moment and I’ll see what I can do.” As she started searching on the computer again, Nate glanced at Damien, who raised his eyebrows in question. Nate shrugged and focused back on the receptionist. “Okay. I do have a double room available. How long are you planning on staying with us?”
He looked at Damien again, relieved when he said, “As long as you need, Nate.�
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Nate returned his attention to the receptionist. “We’re not 100 percent sure. It could be a few days. Hopefully, not much longer.”
“Okay, then.” She smiled and looked at the screen again. Nate was amazed how bright and alert she looked in her immaculate uniform. He felt rumpled and tired in comparison. She finally looked back up. “Well, the room is available until the weekend at least. After that we may need to look at relocating you, or even moving to a room with a single queen bed. It’s Mardi Gras this weekend and most of our accommodation has been reserved in advance. There are a lot of tourists descending on the city for the event. Are you planning on staying for the parade?”
“Er… I hadn’t really thought about it, but if we’re still around, sure. It’s always a fabulous spectacle and a real celebration.”
“That it is.” She gathered some personal information from Nate, entering it into the computer, before printing out a form for him to sign. Once she’d processed his credit card, she handed over a cardboard envelope with two plastic access cards inside, gave them directions to the room, and they were set to go. “Would you like any assistance with your bags?”
“No. Thank you. This is all we have and we’re right to take them ourselves.”
“Wonderful. Enjoy your stay, gentlemen.”
Nate was nearly dead on his feet by the time he used the key card to let them into the hotel room. It was surprising just how tiring a long drive was, even though all he’d done was sit on his arse. He attributed his exhaustion to the concentration needed while driving at night and the stress of the whole situation. Damien followed him in, padding across the plush-pile carpet and dropping his bag on the floor at the foot of one of the beds.
Nate dumped his paperwork and the keys on the small glass-topped desk. “I hope you don’t mind sharing the room,” he said, indicating the two double beds.
“Of course not. Plus it must already be costing you a fortune.”
Nate shrugged. “I didn’t have time to research where to stay—I never really had any need to stay overnight in the city when I lived here—and it’s not like I can’t afford it. There’s not a lot to spend my money on now I’ve moved home, and Trish has a hard time accepting my financial assistance. And to be honest, I don’t care about the expense. I just wanted to be somewhere central for when we hear from Jackson.” Nate sat on the edge of the bed closest to the window and took his shoes off.
“If you don’t mind, I’ll use the bathroom first and grab a quick shower,” Damien said.
Nate looked up. “Cool.”
Once he’d peeled his socks off, Nate sat back against the pile of bed cushions, immediately regretting glancing across the hotel room. Damien was in the process of pulling his T-shirt over his head, already barefoot, with his jeans in a pile on the carpet. Sweet mother of God. Strong back muscles flexed, and Damien’s thick thighs tightened as he moved. The shirt joined the jeans on the floor, and Damien turned, unconsciously taunting Nate with his chest and its perfect smattering of dark hair. And those briefs—they should be illegal.
“I won’t be long.”
Nate nodded, his mouth dry, suddenly wide-awake. It wasn’t until the bathroom door was securely closed that he could breathe again.
Fuck! He needed to do something about his attraction for Damien.
There was no point in starting anything because it couldn’t continue back home. He needed to focus on establishing himself and building a solid medical practice. There was no way he’d put Damien through being his dirty little secret again, and most likely there was no way Damien would put up with being treated like that, not from what he’d said anyway. Plus, Damien deserved to be unencumbered and to follow his dreams. Maybe find Mr Right, the person who could give Damien what he needed. Fuck! That thought made Nate feel sick.
Nate distracted himself by sending a text to Trish, letting her know they’d arrived safely and responding to the latest text message she’d sent. He was still tapping on his phone when Damien came out of the bathroom. It took every bit of self-control he had, but Nate didn’t look up until he heard the mattress dip and the bedclothes rustle.
“Any word?”
Nate finally looked at him, Damien’s dark hair contrasting with the nest of white pillows. The sheet was pulled up to his chest and thankfully he had a T-shirt on. Nate focused back on addressing Damien’s concern. “Nothing. Trish is still trying to find out if Jackson knows anyone in Sydney, but hopefully he’s found somewhere to sleep for the night. I hate the thought of him out on the street.”
“You should try to get some sleep too. There’s nothing more you can do tonight anyway.”
“I know.”
Nate got up and rummaged for his charger cord. He set the phone on the bedside table before getting ready for bed. He took a quick shower, brushed his teeth, and then made a final check of his phone. Despite being bone-tired, he ended up lying sleepless in the bed, until listening to Damien’s quiet and regular breathing eventually helped him drift off to sleep.
Chapter SIX
THEY DECIDED to get an early start the next morning. A quick call to Trish confirmed there were no updates on Jackson’s whereabouts, but, given his love of the beach, Trish suggested they try looking there. It didn’t take long to get an Uber and soon they were headed out to Bondi.
“Why Bondi?” Damien asked.
Nate shrugged. “It’s one of the most iconic Sydney beaches and not too far from the city. It was either that or Manly, but I remember how much Jackson enjoyed going to Bondi on one of his holidays with me. He’s a beach bum through and through.”
“Hopefully we’ll find him there, then. Fingers crossed.”
Nate looked at Damien, who was observing the busy peak hour traffic and commuters passing by. The footpaths were filled with men and women in business attire, walking at a fast pace and entering the various office towers.
“Our chances of actually finding him are pretty slim, you know. Even on a weekday, Bondi Beach is bound to be busy, especially on a beautiful morning like today.” The sky, where it was visible above the buildings, was a bright blue, and there were splashes of sunshine, despite the deep shadows cast by the tall city buildings. “But I can’t just sit around and do nothing. At least heading out there gives us something to do instead of hanging around a hotel room. Have you been out that way before?”
Damien faced him and shook his head. “Never. To be honest, I’ve never spent much time in the city. Just a couple of visits when I’ve come down to see a concert or sporting event. I’ve had a few business meetings, which didn’t leave me much time to do anything else. I’ve done some of the touristy stuff, but not a lot.” Damien turned and looked out the side window again. “Looking for Jackson wasn’t the ideal way I’d hoped to explore the area more.”
“Perhaps I can show you around another trip when we can take more time and properly enjoy the sights?” The words were out before Nate could stop them. He loved the idea of showing Damien all the places he loved in the city, sharing with him a bit of his city life. Why am I making plans? No future, remember?
“That’d be nice.” Damien looked his way and, when he smiled, Nate’s heart fluttered.
The farther they travelled east, the more they left the high-rises of the city behind, tall office blocks giving way to buildings only a storey or two high—shops, restaurants, apartments. Twenty minutes later, they’d reached their destination and eagerly exited from the car onto Campbell Parade.
“Coffee first. I can’t operate properly if I’m not fully caffeinated.” Damien followed Nate into the first cafe they came across, a trendy coffee shop with a beach vibe; bleached timber tables and white chairs, and some casual lounge seating around low coffee tables, walls decorated with surfboards and eclectic seaside prints. There was no doubt they were by the coast.
They took a table in the front corner by the window, allowing them a perfect view of people walking by. Locals in their casual swim gear and hordes of tourists. Even a
s Nate thought of tourists, a red double-decker open-top tour bus drove past, on its regular loop from the city centre to the beach. It would all have been very relaxing if they weren’t here on a mission.
They ordered breakfast from a cheerful waitress—bacon and eggs for Damien, and a cheese and spinach omelette for Nate—plus juice and coffee. While they waited for their meals to be delivered, Nate pulled out his iPhone and looked up the contact details for the local backpackers’ accommodation. He’d called the place the previous night, but whoever had been on night duty hadn’t been able, or hadn’t wanted, to give any information.
“The backpackers’ is just down the road. I thought I’d try in person and see if we have more luck. They might be more likely to talk to me if we’re face-to-face and I’m not just a voice on the phone.”
Damien agreed. “Especially if you make sure they know Jackson is underage. Plus you can show them one of the photos from your phone. There’s a chance he might have checked in under a different name.”
“I hadn’t thought of that. Do you need ID to check in?”
Damien shrugged. “I have no idea. I’ve never stayed in a backpackers’ or youth hostel in my life. Motels and hotels, but no shared accommodation.”
The waitress arrived at the table with their drinks, depositing them on the table with a broad smile for Damien. Nate was almost tempted to growl until she turned her thousand-watt grin on him next. Nate smiled back briefly and focused on his mug, grateful for the coffee, doctoring it with sweetener, before taking a tentative sip of the hot drink. “So when we’ve eaten, we’ll take a walk to see if he’s staying there, then maybe check along the main road and the beach. But to be honest, I don’t fancy our chances of finding him here just by walking around. There are so many people out and about, it’d be a miracle if we spotted him in the crowd.” He looked at Damien, feeling useless. “I just need to do something. Anything.”
Damien nodded. “I get it. You don’t want to sit around waiting for him to contact you. It sure can’t hurt to look, anyway, and the fresh air will probably do you good.”
