“Okay, Dad. I just want you to be happy, too.”
“Are you feeling okay, maybe I should take your temperature?” I laughed reaching to feel for her forehead.
“I feel all of this made me grow up faster that’s all. Life’s too short.”
I couldn’t agree more with her statement. Life was too short and if I was going to sulk, I’d sulk but I had to move on. Millie and I needed closure. We’d be dealing with one another for quite some time so I wanted us to be okay. I wanted my life to be okay and like Kate said, I wanted to be happy because I deserved to be.
Chapter 13
“I want to be very close to someone I respect and admire and have somebody who feels the same way about me.” – Richard Bach
Millie
The weekend was coming to an end and Kate would be home soon. I spent the entire weekend pretty much in the bath tub soaking away the pain of what I called life. This was my reality. My life had been going one way and in an instant it all came crashing down around me. The last couple of years had been the hardest. From being in an unhappy marriage, to trying my best to make it work out, to failing, to almost losing my daughter before my eyes and not being able to do anything but pray and hope she’d be all right, to the mad reaction of my ex-husband finding out the news that would forever change his life. Now, I was dealing with a love that I wanted so badly and realizing it could probably never be. I was shameless. Maybe I just wasn’t worth it. Maybe I didn’t deserve either of the men in my life. Maybe I deserved to be alone. I’d never felt a greater power telling me that maybe this was the time I needed to focus on my family, my daughter, and not worry about anything else in life. Finding another job, staying single, being the one that my family needed. Focused. I needed to stay focused. Focused on Kate. She needed me just as much as I needed her.
I had gotten a text from Brian earlier in the day asking to talk after he dropped off Kate later today. I knew that he had every right to want to talk but I didn’t feel like it after the weekend I had. I felt defeated and unwanted and I didn’t need any more hurt. I didn’t need any more people telling me how horrible I was. I felt it. I knew it. But I agreed to meet him.
It took every fiber in my body to get out of bed and look somewhat decent for Brian and Kate coming by. I still had stuff to unpack but had no desire to unpack it. I had so much to do but hadn’t had the energy to be out of bed. I plopped my hair on top of my head in a messy bun and put some sweats on. I cleaned up the living room a tad and watched as I saw Brian’s truck park down below. I wasn’t ready for this. The nerves in my stomach were eating me alive but I had to make myself do this.
The door sprung open and Kate walked in with the biggest smile plastered on her face. It warmed my heart that she looked genuinely happy. She looked like she just had the best time of her life. It had been awhile since I’d seen that look spread across her face. Brian walked in after her with a smile that reminded me of the old days.
“Hey.” Brian smiled. A smile that I was shocked to see.
“Hey, Mom! We had such a good weekend. Wish you were there! I have homework.” She smiled as she ran off toward her room.
“See ya, squirt. Love you.”
“Bye Dad! Love you!”
I started for the balcony and motioned him to follow. Once I made it out there, I took a pack of cigarettes and lit up. The shock in Brian’s eyes wandered from my lips to the cigarette. He grabbed the cigarette and smashed it to the ground before tossing it over the edge.
“You don’t smoke.”
“I do now.”
“No, you don’t. Stop.” He took my pack and put them in his pocket.
I looked out at the beautiful sunset sky and took a huge breath.
“Millie, I didn’t come here to yell at you. I had a lot of time this weekend to sit and think. No better than with our daughter to get me thinking about things. I don’t want to hold any grudges and I just want to feel normal again. I came here to tell you that I forgive you.”
I looked at Brian and my jaw slightly dropped and my eyes perked open wide. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. What happened to the Brian I knew?
“You forgive me?” I said pointing in between me and him.
“I do forgive you. Kate made a good point and it’s stuck with me all weekend. Life is too short. Everyone just needs to be happy. I realized that I need to be happy and so do you. I didn’t like what I heard and it hurt me badly, but there isn’t anything I can do to change the past and neither can you. I want to move forward, even if that means supporting you and Dean.”
I held up my hand. “You were right.”
“Right about what?”
“Dean.”
He sat down across from me and put his hands on the table signaling to me he was all ears.
“He’s a sex offender.”
His eyes widened. “Really?”
“Yes. He came straight out and told me but he said it was a misunderstanding. But you know me Brian, that’s a huge deal and I should have listened to you. I’m sorry.”
My eyes peeked up at him afraid to even look at the evil grin he was probably giving me . . . that I-told-you-so smirk. But when I looked up into his beautiful eyes I noticed a sincere expression and no smirk.
“I’m sorry, Millie. I know you guys liked each other quite a bit. I had seen something on the Internet but kept my mouth shut. I knew Kate was tough and he wouldn’t do anything to her, but it bothered me. You were, at the time, too blind to see it.”
“You know Brian, maybe it wasn’t to be. Maybe I was meant to be alone.”
He took my hand from across the table and squeezed it tightly. I could see the sparkle in his eyes that always amazed me how much I adored Brian. It was almost too much to feel his touch. I hurt him so bad and a part of me wished we could have been something, but I knew that was over.
“Don’t over think anything, Millie. Take it day by day. I’ll always be around for Kate, but I’m here for you, too, if you need. I want us to get along for Kate’s sake.”
I wondered if Brian had fallen and hit his head. Seriously, he was being genuine. He was being the way I had always remembered before shit hit the fan. To think his weekend with Kate put him into perspective and even at the young age that Kate was, she must have done well. I owed Kate a great big hug and an apology for messing her family up.
Brian left shortly after that and I started to unpack, feeling a little better after our talk. Kate finished up her homework for her finals and school was letting out for the summer in just a couple weeks. She was ready to start her junior year. She wasn’t able to take any drivers ED courses until the school year began so she was slightly behind some in high school and to put it lightly she was over excited. I wasn’t that excited thinking about it but knew she’d be a safe driver if I taught her. We had the whole summer to bond and I’d look for another job now that I had some experience again.
~*~
A few days later, the doorbell rang and I hurried to the door to answer it. The surprised look on my face when I saw Dean must have been priceless. It was the first time we’d seen one another since I had left his place after he admitted to his crime. I let him in out of the rain and he seemed miserable. He was soaked with water. I handed him a towel to pat himself dry. Kate wasn’t home so it was perfect to be able to talk with him. He took a seat on the bar stool in the kitchen.
“I got offered a job back in California with better pay and better benefits.”
I looked at him, I was unsure of how to respond. I wasn’t sure what he wanted or what I wanted at this point.
“That’s a good opportunity.” I smiled.
Part of my heart sank because I knew what this conversation meant. It meant this was the end.
“It is. I’m going to take it and I’m giving you the option to either come with me or stay here. I’d understand your decision if you stayed here.”
I walked into the kitchen and sat on a bar stool across from him.
“Dean, as much as I loved my time with you and our relationship, the last thing we discussed has kind of taken my head for a spin and turned the tables, so to speak. I don’t think that our life together could continue. As far as your relationship with Kate, I’m not sure what you want to do with this, but until a judge could tell you how to go about it, I think that’s where we start. I want you to be a part of her life if you still want to be.”
“Millie, as much as it breaks my heart, it's best she doesn’t know. Let Brian be her father. I don’t want that girl to go through any more than she already has. I’ll keep information public if you need to reach me for emergencies. But I want Kate to be happy and I want what’s best for her. If we told her this, it’d be devastating for her to go through. I just think it’s best for me to leave. I lost the love of my life twice, but maybe fate is really telling us we’re not meant for each other. I’m not even sure I could handle it all anymore. I don’t know how to be a Dad. There was a reason you held this from me in the first place. As much as I love you, there is no holding onto someone who doesn’t want to be held onto.”
Tears ran down my face because I felt for him and for Kate. I knew this couldn’t be easy by any means. He had just settled on the idea that someday he’d be able to tell her and now it had all changed. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do that. I just wanted a judge to clear him from being able to see her or having visitation rights before anything progressed. It had to be done the right way.
“Are you sure?” I wiped a stray tear. “It’s not what I wanted, Dean. Not at all. I saw a life with you. But life has a funny way of working itself out. I’ve thought about it long and hard and I’m pretty sure I just need to be with myself. I’ve hurt so many people and I just need time for myself. A life for myself.”
“Yes. If I can’t be with you, I don’t want to make either one of you suffer through this mess. It was the right thing for you to tell us both. But I believe I’ve made my decision and this was the choice I wanted to make if you decided to stay here.”
“Thank you, Dean.” I didn’t know what else to say at the moment.
“I won’t ever love anyone the way I loved you, Millie. Please don’t think I don’t want to be a part of your lives, but this is just easier. For both of us.”
I got up from the stool and walked to him and wrapped my arms around him. I silently said goodbye to a love that I wanted so badly to last, but fate opened its ugly gates and decided what was going to happen. Nothing ever happened to me slowly, everything all had to come at once. That’s just how my life was and it was how I’d deal. Tears escaped me and Dean held me tighter. He made one mistake, but I just couldn’t live with it. It wasn’t just a mistake, it was a crime. It was a big deal. My motherly instinct showed thick on my skin. It’s just what was best. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get past it. Lord knew we could try, but it would be painful and he was saving us both from more heartache. I knew some wouldn’t understand. Some might have said it was just one mistake before me, but it hurt just as fresh as if it were now. These were things you didn’t hide from your lover, your best friend, your serious girlfriend. I just wished he could have gotten to know Kate better. Like he said, maybe it was for the best though.
I walked Dean towards the door and we hugged one last time before he disappeared out of my sight. Deep down, Dean must have known by my reaction that it wasn’t going to work. It wasn’t going to go back to normal between us and he did what he had to do to save himself from heartache. I couldn’t blame him. This was best for our family. I promised that someday, when Kate was older, I’d tell her. I had to. It just wasn’t now. I closed the door and sat in my bed and just cried. I cried for all the pain and heartache I’d caused for the men in my life. Even my daughter because she didn’t even know it yet. I just cried. But I smiled for the faith I had ahead. I smiled for what was to come. I smiled for being shameless. I was shamelessly worth it.
Epilogue
Two and a half years later
“I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition.” – Martha Washington
Millie
The waves crashed on the beach and the laughter I watched from afar warmed my heart. I looked up at the sky and smiled, silently thanking God for the gifts in life he’d given me. I kicked my shoes off and let the sand squish between my toes as I made my way out to Kate. I wrapped my arm around her and she looked at me and smiled.
“This place is so beautiful, Mom.” She looked out at the ocean.
“Well, your mother and I always wanted to take you here someday as a family vacation.”
I reached over and half hugged Brian. Then our little baby boy cooed in his arms.
“Oh my God, Mom. Alex couldn’t be any cuter.” She played with the baby’s feet and we all watched in awe.
This was our life. Brian and I had found each other and everything we lost, and brought it back together. We were happier than we had probably ever been. We had just welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world just two months prior. He was precious, and Alex was a great addition to our family. Brian and I decided a few months ago we had to make this trip out to Florida like we talked about the last time we were here. We needed a family vacation.
A few weeks after Dean left me to go back to California, I received a letter in the mail. The letter tore me apart, limb from limb, making me feel as numb as I could feel.
My dearest Millie,
Life just wouldn’t be the same without you in it. I fucked up so bad in my life there was no fixing it. Just know that I loved you more than words could express and I wish things had turned out better than they did. You are a special woman and a very amazing mother. Take care of Kate and maybe one day she will know who I was. This is the end of the road for me. Being out in California again made me realize how much I don’t have anything worth living for. You’re gone and you were the only one I cared about.
Much love,
Dean
Imagine my thoughts reading through that letter. It wasn’t the easiest thing I’d had to do. A nerve struck me hard and I tried contacting him as soon as I got the letter. Unfortunately, his mother answered and told me the dreadful news. Dean took his life. I didn’t know what to say to his mother as we had never spoken before. I sent my warm regards and hung up. I stared at the letter for days wondering if there was anything I could have done had I known in time. When Brian found out, he was at my side and never left it. I wished he was at my side all along and never left us. I filed for that divorce because I didn’t feel that life could go on together since he wasn’t changing any after all these years. But since the last two and a half years had gone by, he still hadn’t left. He’d proven to me day by day that he could be what I craved and what I needed in my life . . . what he always should have been, but he never grew up enough to know just how bad things were before our divorce. We worked things out. Sessions of couples counseling and therapy for the both of us had brought us closer than we’d ever been. Fate had its way of making things happen the way they were supposed to. As much as I was hurt over knowing Dean was gone for good, I knew he was in a better place. Brian was there for me to help me cope, which I imagined couldn’t be easy for him.
Brian and I did end up telling Kate and it took months of questions, crying, and anger, but eventually there was happiness. She didn’t hate me like I had thought she would. She finally understood and knew that the cards she was dealt in life were what was meant to be. I knew that now and she was happy with Brian being her father . . . the only father she had ever known. Our family finally was coming together. Better late, than never.
“Maybe we should take a family picture. You know buy a new frame and put the four of us in it. A little memory for you when you go off to college, Kate.” Brian smiled that megawatt smile and looked down at Alex, rocking him back and forth.
; “I think that’s a great idea!” Kate squealed.
“I think it is, too. I can’t believe my baby girl is going off to college.”
“Mom! I have to grow up someday.” She rolled her eyes.
I grinned. She was right. It was time to let my baby girl go. This was her time to grow in life and experience all she had to give. I was happy for her and excited. But I’d miss her. She was taking off to Michigan for school and even though she wouldn’t be too far, it was still far enough I wouldn’t have her within my reach.
Brian stood up and Kate helped me up from the sand. Brian prepped the camera as it faced the ocean. He wanted to make sure we got the perfect shot. Kate wanted a couple with Alex, too. Oh, how she’d miss him when she went off to school. Brian was getting something he may not have realized. He was getting his biological baby. I knew that it didn’t matter to him but he had two beautiful kids now. I couldn’t be happier for him . . . for us.
Shamelessly Worth It Page 12
