Jilted

by Rachael Johns

  By the time they left Gavin’s office, everything from the celebrant – no one religious for Mat – to the notices in the newspaper were organised. Joyce had been in touch with a number of local women who’d put their hands up to cater for the wake, which would be held at the bowling club, where Mat had been an active member.

  But rather than relieving Ellie, she left the Co-op with a feeling of emptiness. She didn’t want to think about this new hole in her life, and she really didn’t know what she was going to do to keep her mind off it the next few days.

  This, however, turned out to be an unwarranted worry. It soon became apparent that no one planned on leaving her alone long enough to even blow her nose in private. She didn’t know whether there was an actual roster for Ellie-sitting, but she had a constant stream of visitors. Flynn came every night, and during the daytime she received Matilda’s friends, her own friends from the play, as well as Lucy, Sam and Joyce.

  She couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if she’d lost someone close to her in Sydney. City people were different to country folk – showing emotion or getting too close to people scared them. She’d become like that, she realised, making only a few close friends there. If one of her neighbours died in the city, it could be days before anyone raised the alarm, but here …

  ‘A never-ending packet of Tim Tams for them?’ Flynn’s voice snapped Ellie out of her thoughts.

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘You know, for your thoughts,’ he said, making a reference she hadn’t heard in a while. He stood beside her at the kitchen sink, his outstretched arm proffering a chocolate biscuit. She was still holding the tea towel she’d been using to dry the lunch dishes, but she now discovered that he’d not only finished washing them, but dried and put them away as well. He laughed at the bemused look on her face. ‘You looked like you were in some sort of trance.’ He winked suggestively. ‘Thinking steamy thoughts, were you?’

  Shaking her head, she flicked him with the tea towel and took the biscuit. ‘I was actually thinking about how different city and country life is. How in the city there’s not such a strong sense of community. I don’t know, maybe there is, maybe I just never found it.’

  Flynn chomped down on a Tim Tam, swallowing and then grinning. ‘Sounds like you don’t think we’re all that bad out here in the sticks.’

  ‘Of course I don’t. In fact, I’m thinking there might be more pros than cons to country life.’

  Flynn almost choked at this. She laughed at his surprise, but once he’d recovered, the look he gave her was serious. ‘I like the sound of that.’ He took a step towards her. The tingles in her body, the ones reserved only for him, erupted all over her in anticipation, but he stopped before he reached her. ‘Ellie …’

  Her heart hitched a beat as she waited for him to continue. Before he could, however, the room echoed with another knock on the back door. More visitors.

  ‘Hello,’ came Lucy’s voice, followed by another knock.

  Ellie welcomed Lucy and Sam into the kitchen.

  ‘It’s freezing out,’ Lucy said, leaning into Sam as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms. They made such a sweet couple. Every time Ellie saw them she remembered how she and Flynn used to be, before life had tainted things. She couldn’t help but ask herself whether they’d be in the small percentage of high-school romances that lasted a lifetime.

  ‘Flynn’s got the fire roaring in the living room,’ Ellie said. ‘Head on in. You guys want a hot drink?’

  Sam looked to Flynn in apparent confusion, but Flynn jumped in, albeit clumsily. ‘I’ve got a couple of jobs to do back at the farm, actually, and I need to bring some more of the set into town. And Sam offered to help. We thought Lucy could stay here with you and watch a movie. Or something.’

  Lucy held up five DVDs, fanned out in her hands. At a glance, Ellie saw they were all chick-flicks that she’d seen before and loved.

  Ellie opened her mouth to say she didn’t need a babysitter, but the looks of concern on the others’ faces warmed her heart. With Mat gone, she didn’t think it were possible to feel so loved again, but Flynn and the people of Hope were teaching her it was.

  Love. That was the second time she’d thought about Flynn and love in the same sentence these last couple of days. She couldn’t help but wonder what he would have said had they not been interrupted just now.

  Forcing such contemplation aside for now, she smiled at Lucy and the guys. Pointing at 27 Dresses, she said, ‘We’ll need an extra large box of tissues if we watch that one.’

  That settled, Flynn and Sam disappeared, and Ellie followed Lucy into the living room with the rest of the Tim Tams.

  ‘I think the last movie I watched with you was The Little Mermaid,’ she said to Lucy once they’d settled into armchairs and the opening credits were rolling.

  ‘Oh my gosh,’ Lucy squealed, ‘I used to adore that movie. I wanted to be Ariel when I grew up.’

  ‘Was it the tail or the handsome prince?’ Ellie asked.

  Lucy pressed her hand against her heart and pretended to swoon. ‘The handsome prince, of course.’

  ‘Think you may have found him then, my dear. Sam is quite a spunk.’

  Lucy glowed. ‘Isn’t he just?’ She paused for a moment, and Ellie could almost see the cogs of her brain ticking over. ‘Do you think my brother is a spunk?’ she asked delicately.

  Ellie gulped. Flynn still topped the charts in terms of spunkiness, but she wasn’t sure that was the right answer for Lucy.

  ‘I’ll rephrase that,’ Lucy said, sitting upright. ‘Are you still in love with Flynn?’

  Ellie blinked and chewed on her lower lip. Lucy had asked her the question she’d been avoiding for a week now. Did she? She’d certainly loved him ten years ago, and that first peek at him when she’d returned had made her think she still might. But what she felt now was stronger than that, if such a thing were possible. In the past, she’d been in love and lust with a boy; the man Flynn had grown into made her heart flutter in a deeper way. For this type of love, she’d sacrifice everything – everything she’d worked for and built up these last few years. And she wouldn’t look back.

  ‘Yes,’ she answered honestly. ‘I think I am.’

  ‘That’s so cool,’ Lucy said. ‘What will you do about work then? Are you going to quit the show and move back here? That would be great. We could –’

  ‘Whoa.’ Ellie held up her hand to stop Lucy’s runaway imagination – next she’d be picking out crockery patterns for their registry. ‘Flynn and I haven’t spoken about any of this, we’ve just been … She stopped short of confessing things Flynn may not want his little sister knowing.

  ‘Having sex, I know.’ Lucy giggled and rolled her eyes. ‘Flynn still thinks I’m a baby, but I know what goes on between consenting adults.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s none of my business, sure, and with Matilda gone things have been intense these last few days, but you guys can’t go on like this forever. Flynn never speaks about how he feels about you, but I’m certain he wants you to stay. I guess I’m just hoping it’s a possibility. He’s my big brother – I love him and I want him to be happy.’

  ‘I can understand that.’ Not having any brothers or sisters herself, Ellie always envied the special sibling bond, like that between Flynn and Lucy. ‘I haven’t really had time to think about this, and I haven’t asked Flynn what he wants. But I want you to know, Lucy, I never wanted to hurt your brother the first time round, and I’ll do my utmost to make sure it doesn’t happen again.’

  And she would. Still, her insides twisted at the thought. Her intentions were true, but Ellie wasn’t sure she’d be able to protect Flynn from hurt again, or herself for that matter. That big, black secret still hung like a dark shadow between them. Mat had urged her to speak to Flynn about it, but the idea still terrified her. She’d given him one version, which he seemed to accept, which she’d hoped would be enough. But she knew that if there was any chance for them to be together again, she’d n
eed to start their relationship with a fresh slate. And that meant telling him everything. Finally.

  Chapter Thirty

  ‘Fly-ynn!’ Karina’s voice floated from the direction of the homestead. He and Sam had just loaded a life-size wooden cow into the ute, and turned to see her heading towards them. Flynn let out a frustrated breath, thanking the Lord that Sam was here to stop Karina giving him an Ellie lecture. As if sensing Flynn’s mum’s wrath, however, Sam promptly announced he had to pop to the loo.

  Dammit. Flynn would have to chat to him later about blokes sticking together.

  ‘Nice of you to grace us with your presence,’ Karina said, huffing slightly as she arrived in front of him. He’d barely been home since Mat died, and the times he had, he’d been too busy drafting sheep to socialise.

  ‘Hello Mum.’ He ignored her dig.

  ‘Were you planning on coming over and saying hello or are you too preoccupied to spend time with your old mum?’ She folded her arms over her chest. This wasn’t typical Karina behaviour. Normally the first to help a friend in need, he’d never heard her say a jealous or resentful word in his life. And if it were anyone else Flynn had been supporting, he was sure she’d understand.

  ‘Well, as you’ve guessed, I’m headed back into town.’ He leaned against the ute, daring her to voice a complaint. ‘Ellie needs me at the moment, Mum. You raised me to look out for others. I thought you’d be glad to see me doing this.’

  Karina shook her fists as if she could uncharacteristically punch something. ‘Argh! Don’t make out like you’re with her because of your upbringing. You’re with her because she makes you feel things no one else does.’

  He blinked at his mum’s insight. Then nodded.

  ‘I’ve been there, Flynn,’ Karina continued. ‘That’s how I felt about your dad. I understand your craving. But she left you once, and it terrifies me that she’ll do it again. It almost killed you last time.’ She wiped a tear from her eye, then gestured to the land around them. ‘What are Lucy, Gran and I supposed to do here without you?’

  ‘It won’t get to that,’ he said firmly. ‘I’m older now, and we’re not engaged. I’m sorry, Mum, but I can’t not be with Ellie just because you’re scared. All I can promise is that whatever happens, I’ll be stronger this time. I won’t touch the grog.’

  And he meant it. He didn’t know what was going to happen, but things were different now. Three nights ago he’d made the snap decision to sleep with Ellie, and now he was taking whatever he could get, enjoying the ride. Having fun with Ellie during the day, helping her come to terms with her loss, then churning up her bedsheets at night. Just being near her had his body reacting in ways it never did around other women. The sex he’d had in the last ten years wasn’t always worth writing home about, but sex with Ellie was too hot for words. And he wasn’t man enough to turn it down. In the last few days, they’d consummated their lust time and again with the urgency imposed by an end-date. Waiting for Mat’s funeral was like living in a kind of limbo where they could ignore reality for a short while. And they had.

  He tried not to think about what would happen after that end-date though – tomorrow, when they officially laid Matilda Thompson to rest. He didn’t want to contemplate saying goodbye to Ellie just yet. Until this morning he hadn’t entertained the possibility of anything long-term between them, but the things she’d said today – and, when he thought about it, over the last few days – made him hope that maybe they would have longer.

  ‘I think things might be different this time,’ he said eventually, then shut his mouth. He didn’t want to get his mum’s hopes up, or look like a dill if he were wrong. ‘But I’ll be okay, even if they’re not.’

  ‘I hope so, Flynn. I really hope so.’

  Wanting to offer more assurance, he leaned forward and wrapped his tiny, strong-willed mother in a tight hug.

  By the time Ellie heard Flynn’s ute in the drive, her chest felt so tight she could barely breathe and her palms were so slick that wiping them on her thighs marked her jeans. Lucy hadn’t appeared to notice, moving on from the conversation about Flynn and Ellie the moment Ellie asked about her acting ambitions. She’d been trying to pay attention and hoped she’d done a good job of sounding interested. She was interested, it’s just that the thoughts about Flynn whirling through her mind were distracting. Almost as distracting as the man himself.

  Half an hour ago, she’d determined to talk to him about it, but not until after the funeral. They’d enjoyed each other’s company for three fabulous nights, and without him, Ellie didn’t know how she’d have gotten through the days. All that time they’d managed to not analyse or speculate on what they were doing; one more night wouldn’t make a difference.

  ‘Guess they won’t be interested in watching this,’ Lucy said, as she aimed the remote and flicked the television off. ‘Besides, my eyes are getting sore. We must have been watching for four hours.’

  ‘Something like that.’ Ellie didn’t have much of a concept of time these days. She stood to stretch her legs and greet the guys as they barged through the front door. Her heart flipped at the sight of Flynn, slightly ruffled from working on the farm. She shouldn’t really be surprised by it anymore, but each time she saw him, a jolt startled her, and often she had to grip something to keep from toppling over.

  ‘Did you do what you needed?’ she asked, pleased she’d kept the quaver from her voice. Her nerves were ricocheting around and bouncing off each other as if she were on a first date. Ridiculous.

  ‘Yes.’ He topped off his answer with his usual country grin and her insides melted a little more. He held up a plastic bag of takeaway. ‘And I brought dinner, so we don’t have to cook and wash up tonight.’

  ‘Fabulous plan.’ That kind of thinking she could get used to. She turned to Sam and Lucy. ‘Are you guys staying for tea?’

  ‘Ah …’ Lucy looked to Sam, but Flynn made the decision for them.

  ‘Nope. Mum wants them both at home tonight, make sure they actually do some study. Besides, I only got enough for two.’ He looked at her as he said this last line, his eyes speaking suggestively. Then he turned and headed for the kitchen.

  With a look like that there had to be hope, but would it still be there after she’d told him? Her knees threatened to stop working and she flopped back against the couch.

  ‘Looks like we’re going then,’ Lucy said with a touch of narkiness. She leaned forward and hugged Ellie. ‘We’ll see you tomorrow. If there’s anything you need in the morning, just call.’

  Huh? Ellie looked up at Lucy as if she were speaking in tongues. Then it hit her – Mat’s funeral. Guilt jabbed her in the chest, she needed to get her head straight. Flynn, and the conversation they had to have, would still be here tomorrow night. For the time being, she needed to focus on farewelling her closest friend.

  ‘Thanks.’ She summoned a smile for Lucy and Sam. ‘I appreciate your support.’

  ‘No worries.’ Arms around each other’s waists they headed out the door, shouting bye to Flynn as they left.

  Moments later, Flynn wandered in with Matilda’s Mexican tray laden with roadhouse cuisine. Ellie surveyed the feast of hamburgers and chips. Two cans of Fanta at the side. The sight brought a smile to her lips, but she didn’t feel like her stomach could handle a single bite. Again, ridiculous. This was Flynn sitting next to her. The first person she’d ever kissed, the man with whom she’d lost her virginity. Aside from Matilda, he knew more about her than anyone, and she hadn’t felt one bout of nerves the last few days. But that was before she’d started thinking beyond tomorrow.

  He settled into the couch beside her and leaned forward to pick up his hamburger. He wrapped his long, sexy fingers around the bun like he hadn’t a care in the world. He obviously couldn’t read minds. Determining to act normal despite the hyperactivity of her brain, she plucked a chip, dipped it in sauce and then chomped down on it. She chewed slowly, then managed another. She couldn’t yet tackle the hamburger, but
one chip at a time seemed to be working. Until, that is, Flynn scooped up the television remote. He switched the TV on and starting changing channels like a typical male. Like they were in a typical relationship in a typical house on a typical night.

  Almost choking on a chip, she swallowed quickly and turned to face him. ‘Don’t you find this weird?’

  ‘What?’ He frowned at the television. Someone on Neighbours was snogging their husband’s brother. ‘It’s downright immoral, but I don’t know about weird.’

  She let out an exasperated sigh. ‘Not them. Us.’ She thrust her finger back and forth between them, stopping short of jabbing him in the ribs. ‘You, here with me. We’re acting like this is normal. Like we’re an item, a couple, when we both know that’s not how it is.’

  He put down his hamburger and turned off the soap opera. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

  ‘No.’ The word came out fast and firm. Her hands went immediately clammy and her heart began to hammer at the prospect. ‘I didn’t say that.’

  Neither of them spoke then for what seemed like a long moment, but the air sizzled. Again. He only had to look at her for her libido to kick into overdrive, but right now she needed to ignore such urges and get serious. She stared at him, waiting for him to respond, kicking herself for starting this conversation now, racking her brain for how to negotiate it here on in.

  They stayed that way, suspended, until time seemed to start up again, and Flynn leaned slowly towards her. Her hammering pulse stopped completely. If she weren’t so anxious about what lay ahead, she’d be concerned her heart was going to collapse. Yet when he reached his hand up to her neck and trailed his fingers past her ear, into her hair, she realised her heart hadn’t stopped at all, jolting as it was with every touch. Following his hand, he leaned in closer with his mouth. So close she could feel his breath against the skin at her collar. Her tongue darted out instinctively to moisten her lips. Her head lolled back as her body anticipated the pleasure, but as his lips landed on the sensitive hollow between her neck and shoulder, instead of succumbing to her burning desires, she pulled back, pushing her hands against his chest.