Jilted

by Rachael Johns

  ‘Don’t you like that?’ Flynn’s voice was husky, his eyes slightly bemused.

  ‘On the contrary,’ she groaned. ‘I like it very much.’

  ‘Then I can’t see the problem.’ His hands snuck towards her again.

  She stood quickly, dodging his grasp. ‘The problem is that if I get any more of you, I won’t want it to stop. I don’t know where we stand, Flynn. I don’t know what’s going to happen after Mat’s funeral, and although I shouldn’t care, I do.’

  It was as close to confessing her love as she’d come, so she bit down on her tongue to shut herself up. For all she knew, he was simply having a bit of fun while looking out for her. Maybe he hadn’t given a second’s thought to what happens after tomorrow.

  The humour in Flynn’s face fled and a slow, tentative smile replaced it. ‘To me, that there is music to my ears.’ He paused before continuing. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything until tomorrow, until after the funeral – I didn’t want to confuse things, or upset you – but I can’t stop thinking about what my life could be like if you were in it permanently.’

  She gulped. Her knees wobbled again but she wasn’t sure that sitting next to him was a good idea. ‘What are you saying, Flynn?’

  ‘Is being in my life again something you’d consider?’

  Her stomach did a flip. He was offering what she’d dreamt of for the past ten years. But could she accept? Could she leave her job, her friends, her life in Sydney to return here? The answer came like a blinding light from the sky. Yes. Yes, she could leave it all in a second. Sure, she liked acting and had her friends, but Sydney wasn’t home. It never had been. Because Sydney had never had Matilda or Flynn.

  She opened her mouth to reply, but that lump had lodged in her throat again, and her eyes watered once more, despite having cried more tears in the last week than she had in years. So she simply nodded, hoping he read her happy smile as a yes.

  ‘You’re going to have to say it,’ he said, his voice shaky. ‘I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing.’

  The way he sat before her, like a nervous schoolboy inside a man’s handsome, strapping body, sent warmth flooding through her. It pained her to think of all she’d put him through in the past. Looking back she didn’t know whether she’d done the right thing … every time she played the what if game she came up with a different answer.

  ‘I’m still waiting,’ he said.

  She realised her silence might appear like hesitation. Anything but. She knew – with every cell in her body – that she wanted him now and forever, but she’d promised herself she’d tell him the truth. If she didn’t, there’d always be something between them. She’d know she hadn’t been honest, even if he didn’t.

  ‘Yes,’ she managed, ‘I want to be in your life again. I want nothing more than to move back to Hope Junction and be yours, all yours.’

  ‘But?’ He looked up at her warily. ‘I’m sure I hear a but.’

  She swallowed and finally sat down beside him. ‘It’s not a but, more of an explanation.’

  He held up his hand and shook his head. ‘You’ve said yes, I don’t need an explanation.’

  ‘Yes, you do. When I told you why I left before, I wasn’t a hundred percent truthful.’

  ‘You lied?’

  ‘No,’ she shook her head adamantly. ‘I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell you everything.’

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Flynn looked into Ellie’s eyes, searching for answers. He didn’t want to believe she’d had the chance to be honest and had fed him some cock-and-bull story. The confidence he’d been feeling only seconds ago was now seeping away.

  ‘I’m listening,’ he said.

  ‘Thank you.’ She gathered herself. ‘I told you about Perth and my mother, that when she didn’t show up, I was a mess.’ He nodded. ‘I always knew she only cared about herself, but when she didn’t even bother … anyway, I told you I drank and drank, trying to drown my sorrows. I didn’t tell you I got chatting with this guy.’

  He flinched at the mention of another man. Never, in all these years, had he contemplated a third party was involved in the demise of their relationship. He needed to know. ‘Did you sleep with him?’

  ‘No.’ She looked genuinely appalled at the thought, but her next words knocked him even harder. ‘Well … not exactly.’

  His whole body tensed. Bristling, he said, ‘You can’t half fuck someone, Ellie.’

  ‘Please, Flynn,’ her voice shook. ‘Listen.’

  ‘Okay.’ And he would. He reminded himself that this had all taken place over ten years ago. That it was the here and now he was interested in. The future.

  She picked up her can of Fanta and downed it as if it were something much stronger. Then she sucked in a breath and let it out slowly. ‘This guy found me at the bar – looking all forlorn, I guess – and bought me a drink. He asked a few questions and listened as I poured my heart out about Rhiannon. When I’d spent all my words, he nodded knowingly and told me his own awful story – physical and emotional abuse, he only escaped it by running away from home, hitting the streets at fourteen. Or so he said. I could barely believe it; he seemed so together.

  ‘Anyway, more drinks were bought. When the bar closed, he suggested we go back to his room to keep chatting. I never once thought there was anything sinister in it. Shows how naïve I was.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘He raped me.’

  Time slowed and her words hung in the air for what felt an eternity. All sound stopped, save for the thumping of Flynn’s pulse in his ears, before everything whirled back into place, hitting him like a freight train.

  Ellie continued, ‘He said I’d been gagging for it, and what did I think? That all the drinks he’d bought me were free?’

  Something inside Flynn snapped. He grabbed the tray off the table – leftover chips, burger, rubbish and all – and flung it across the room. But it did nothing to defuse his anger. He clenched his fists and looked at her, hating himself for not protecting her. Hating that someone had violated her and he hadn’t been there to stop them.

  ‘Son of a bitch. I’ll kill him.’

  Ellie sniffed and smiled grimly. ‘Thanks, Flynn, but I don’t even know his name. It happened years ago.’

  Her words just drove the point home further. He should have been there.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I could have supported you. We could have gone to the police.’

  ‘I knew what you were like, that you’d blame yourself. I didn’t want you to feel guilty.’

  With his fingers digging into his palms, he rocked on the couch, taking his mind back to that weekend. He’d had a game. She’d asked him to go with her to meet her mum, and he’d turned her down for football.

  He looked up at her. ‘But on some level you do blame me, or else you wouldn’t have thought about my guilt.’ And she’d be right to blame him. What kind of boyfriend, what kind of fiancé, chose sport over the woman he loved? Regret washed over him as he thought of what life could have been had he made one better choice.

  ‘That’s not true. I blamed nobody but myself.’ She reached out her hand and clutched his.

  Flynn didn’t know what was worse – thinking she’d left him for bigger, better things, or knowing that one awful night had ruined everything. Had changed and damaged her so much she didn’t think that their relationship had stood a chance. He felt angry and despondent. He stared at her hand, going dizzy as a zillion thoughts shot about in his head. He grabbed at one.

  ‘Okay, if that’s true, and you don’t blame me, why did you run away? I don’t get it.’

  She pressed her lips together as if fighting back tears. He appreciated that. If she started now, he was sure he’d fall in a heap himself.

  ‘I found out I was pregnant.’

  Whoa! He took a moment to digest this new piece of information, then voiced the first real thought that came into his head. ‘It could have been mine,’ he croaked. He couldn’t help bu
t picture a little kid with her hair, her smile, his passion for the land. And with that came a new rush of emotion and anger. ‘What happened to it? Did you adopt it out? Did you get … rid of it?’

  She spoke matter-of-factly. ‘I lost it. And yes, it could have been yours. It most likely was – but without tests, I wouldn’t have known. And without telling you, there couldn’t be tests.’

  He ran his hands through his hair, falling short of tugging out chunks. ‘I don’t know what to say, Ellie.’

  ‘It was torture, Flynn, and it was torture leaving you, but I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t want you to have to make a decision if the baby wasn’t yours, and well, it’s shameful to admit, but if I’d known I was going to lose it, I probably would have stayed, tried to keep all this secret. But I didn’t know, Flynn, I just didn’t know.’

  ‘What kind of decision?’ He was baffled. She’d been raped – the woman he loved had been raped. He hated the thought of some scum touching her, but he’d never have deserted her. Never.

  As if reading his mind, she said, ‘See, you don’t believe there was a decision. I know you, Flynn. You’re the most honourable man I’ve ever met. Whether you wanted to raise another man’s child or not, you would have stayed with me, looked after me, simply because that’s the kind of man you are. But I know what it’s like to not be loved by your parents, and I didn’t want that for my child.’

  He shook his head. She was right – he would have stuck by her – but she was also so wrong. She’d made a decision on his behalf, based on what she thought he’d do. But he wouldn’t have stayed out of duty; he’d have stayed because back then, he couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else. He still couldn’t. And if a baby had been a part of that, he’d like to think he’d have learnt to love it as his own. He’d never have held the sins of the father against the child. But she’d doubted him. She’d doubted his love, commitment and devotion.

  And that was a kick to the gut.

  The fact she hadn’t thought his love strong enough, the fact she’d doubted his ability to love her, for better or for worse, hurt a hundred times more than being jilted at the altar.

  Half an hour ago, he’d asked her to come back to Hope and live with him. But no matter the passion, the love, the intensity in everything he felt for Ellie, after this conversation, he could never be sure she trusted him. Never be sure she believed. And never be sure he trusted her. Is that what he wanted for the rest of his life? Always wondering if his partner was questioning his motives, questioning his love? And he forever striving to prove how much she meant to him? Hell, that sounded exhausting.

  ‘Are you going to say something?’ she asked shakily. ‘Please, say something.’

  Ellie quivered with the combined relief and fear of what she’d just told Flynn. It felt right to have it finally out in the open, for him to know the truth, that she hadn’t left him because she didn’t love him. The opposite, in fact. But the look on his face left her cold.

  He sighed deeply. ‘I can’t believe you thought that little of me.’

  ‘Flynn, I never … you were my world.’

  He held up his hand. ‘You say that, but your actions tell me something else. You didn’t trust me – first, to confide in me about what had happened, and second, to believe I would love you and the baby. You made a decision on your own, a decision that should have been ours to make together. You jumped to conclusions, assuming the worst of me.’

  His look of anger turned to one of revulsion as he edged away from her. ‘All these years I thought you left because you weren’t happy. That hurt like hell – I ached that I wasn’t enough for you. It took me years to recover from that. But now I find out it was worse than that – that you left because you didn’t have faith. You didn’t think our relationship was strong enough to survive. What’s changed, Ellie?’

  She swallowed. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘If you didn’t trust me then, why do you trust me now? Relationships are rocky roads. Who’s to say you won’t run at the first sign of difficulty?’

  ‘I’m not the same person I was then. I’ve grown. And you’re not the same person either. I’ve fallen in love with you all over again since coming home – I’ve fallen in love with the man, not the boy.’ And she meant it, felt it with all the certainty of her heart. ‘I don’t know if I truly knew what love was back then, I was such a mess when I came to live with Mat.’

  His eyes widened and he scoffed at her words. ‘And it gets worse still. You don’t know if you loved me? What was I to you? Just a little bit of fun while you worked out what you wanted?’

  ‘You’re twisting my words, Flynn, that’s not what I mean.’ Frustration clawed at her.

  ‘That’s the difference between you and me, Ellie. I know I loved you. Everyone else might have thought we were too young, but I had faith, I believed.’ He paused before delivering the fatal blow. ‘It’s only now I’m not so sure. Everything I thought I loved about you was built on a lie. I don’t know what to think anymore.’ He pushed up off the couch. ‘I’ve always known my heart where you were concerned, but now I’m not so sure I should follow it.’

  No! She trembled as she clutched Flynn’s hands. She looked into his eyes and begged. ‘Please, Flynn, we’ve already wasted ten years. Don’t let this ruin us again.’

  ‘And whose fault would that be?’

  He shook her off, or tried to, but she held on tight, desperate not to let him go. She’d been so close and she’d blown it. Again.

  ‘Let go, Ellie. I love you, but right now I don’t want to be with you. I can’t.’

  He tugged his arm free with a force she couldn’t fight. She knew that if he left tonight, he wouldn’t be coming back. And she knew the heartbreak that awaited her if that happened. She may have been the one to break off their relationship last time, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t ached. In the weeks and months following her departure, there’d been days she hadn’t thought life worth living. He wasn’t the only one who’d turned to alcohol. After losing her baby, and with nothing left to live for, she’d hit the bottle pretty hard. Being offered a permanent gig on Lake Street was the only thing that pulled her out of the abyss. This time, she wasn’t sure work would save her.

  ‘Please, Flynn,’ she cried again as he thrust his feet into his boots and strode towards the door. ‘Don’t do this. We can make it work.’

  He looked back briefly, sadness in his eyes as he shook his head. Despite the past few days, despite his admission that he still loved her, she knew what would happen if he walked through that door.

  Flynn didn’t mean to slam it, but he left in such a hurry and with such anger that the boom of the door echoed in the night air. He stormed to his ute, contemplating his rollercoaster of a life as he started the engine. The last few days back in Ellie’s life, back in her bed, had felt so right. That was why he’d avoided talking about what they were doing. He hadn’t wanted anything to break their magic bubble.

  He’d known that real life would intrude sooner or later, but he’d thought it might have waited until after the funeral. He’d imagined they’d address their feelings for each other with an emphasis on the future, not the past. Call him gullible, but he’d believed Ellie’s story about her mother and being confused. He hadn’t for a moment considered there was anything like rape and miscarriage in her past.

  He’d never felt so conflicted. Part of him wanted to turn around and go back to her, to be there for her now as he wasn’t ten years ago, to tell her the past didn’t mean a thing. But you couldn’t rewrite history. He’d grown up watching his parents’ relationship, admiring the comradeship, passion and trust between them. All of which made up what he believed was love. Real love – the kind that was there for you in life’s highest moments, and the lowest. He’d always imagined that one day he’d share that with someone. But that kind of love needed to be mutual, and he didn’t know if Ellie was capable of it. With him, anyway. How could she be, if she’d kept s
uch a huge secret from him? If she’d let it ruin their relationship?

  He stopped the car. Without paying attention, he’d ended up outside The Commercial.

  Fuck. He wanted to punch something. He also, obviously, wanted a drink. Apart from that night with Lauren, he hadn’t touched any grog – hard or soft – in just over eight years, but he’d never forgotten the taste or the effect. Not only did the liquid numb your thoughts and pain, but in a pub, you could always find solace in another drunk. Someone who’d listen to your woes and tell you that one more bourbon might just make it all go away. Someone who wouldn’t judge you, someone who didn’t make out that life wasn’t as bad as you said it was.

  But that wouldn’t happen in this pub. Nor in the town’s other drinking hole. Not where every fucking person and their fucking dog knew his life story.

  Still, they had to serve him. He’d earned every cent he had through hard manual labour and deserved to bloody well spend it however he pleased. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone anyway. Maybe he’d just go through the drive-through. One of the out-of-town attendants wouldn’t bat an eyelid if he bought a bottle of Beam and a two-litre Coke. That’s all it would take. Just one night to get himself straight.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Ellie managed to drag herself up from the couch where she’d spent the night trying not to drown in tears. Her heart ached as if it had been put through the wringer and then trampled in the dirt. Her eyes stung, and when she made it to the bathroom she saw they had an appearance to match – it looked like both had been bitten by mosquitoes, so swollen and red were the lids.

  She groaned loudly. She had about an hour until Joyce arrived and the funeral car came to pick them up. She wondered what she’d say about Flynn’s absence. All she wanted right now was to curl up under her doona and disappear. But that was impossible today. She had to pull herself together – get washed, get dressed, focus.