by Jo Ann Brown
But how was she going to pay for the boppli’s birth? She couldn’t expect Joshua to pay the costs. The boppli wasn’t his. The answer came instantly: she’d have to sell the farm in Bird-in-Hand. Once the farm was gone, her haven would be, too, but what choice did she have?
Finishing the rest of the pages, she started to rise to take the completed forms to the desk.
Joshua stood and held out his hand. “Let me do that. You should sit while you can.”
As she thanked him, a woman sitting on her other side leaned toward her. “You have a very considerate husband,” she whispered. “I wish my husband understood like yours does how tough it is to get up and down.” She laughed. “My ankles are getting as big as a house.”
Taken aback, Rebekah wasn’t sure how to reply. She gave the woman a smile, which seemed the perfect answer because the other woman laughed and went back to reading her book.
Joshua sat beside her again. “The receptionist said it shouldn’t be long before you’re called in.”
“Gut.” The plastic chair was uncomfortable.
A few minutes later the inner door opened. A tall woman stepped out. Her dark brown hair was swept back beneath a kapp that identified her as a Mennonite. The back was pleated and square rather than heart-shaped like Rebekah’s. Her plain gown was worn beneath a doctor’s white coat, and a stethoscope hung around her neck. She called out Rebekah’s name. When Joshua stood, too, the woman asked him to wait, saying he’d be called back in a few minutes.
He nodded and took his seat. He gave Rebekah a bolstering smile as she went to the door and stepped through into a hallway that branched off past two open doors on either side.
“This way, Rebekah,” the woman in the white coat said.
In spite of knowing she shouldn’t, Rebekah stared at the woman who limped as she walked. A plastic brace ran from below her right knee into her black sneaker. It was held in place atop her black stockings by a wide strip of what looked like Velcro.
She recovered herself and followed the woman into a room. The midwife’s warm smile was so genuine that she was instantly at ease.
“I am Elizabeth Overholt, but everyone calls me Beth Ann,” said the woman before she asked Rebekah to get on the scale. She then checked Rebekah’s blood pressure. Rebekah was pleased with both, and so was Beth Ann.
“Excellent,” Beth Ann said and led her to a room across the hall. She motioned for Rebekah to come in. “Do you need help getting on the table?”
“I think I can manage still.”
“Don’t be brave. Ask for help when you need it.” She kept her hand near Rebekah’s elbow until Rebekah was sitting on the examination table. “Okay, I have your file from your midwife in Bird-in-Hand, so let’s see what it says.”
Looking around the pleasant room while Beth Ann read the file, Rebekah smiled. Childish drawings hung on the wall. She guessed one of them depicted a kitten or maybe a lamb. Something with curly, fuzzy hair. The other was of a kind holding a woman’s hand. A small house and a huge tree were behind them, and the sun was bright yellow while a rainbow arched over the whole scene.
Booklets she recognized from when she’d been pregnant with Sammy were stacked neatly by the window. Then she had read every word, hungry for information to make sure her boppli was born healthy. Not one had contained any advice on how to keep her husband from damaging their kind.
She pushed the dreary cloud of memory away. Lloyd was gone, and Joshua hadn’t raised his hand to her. Not yet.
Oh, Lord, help me to trust he’s not the man Lloyd was. I want to be able to believe he won’t hurt me or the kinder.
Beth Ann looked up, and her smile vanished. “Is everything okay, Rebekah?”
“Ja.” She forced a laugh that sounded brittle in her ears. “It’s impossible to get comfortable at this point.”
“Are you having contractions?”
She shook her head, sorry she was causing the midwife worry. But how could she be honest? She could not let Lloyd’s sins become a shadow over his son as people watched to see if he had inherited his daed’s violent outbursts.
As she began to answer Beth Ann’s questions, she told herself again, Think about now. Maybe if she reminded herself of that enough times, she’d make it a habit and would finally be able to leave the darkness behind her once and for all.
* * *
Joshua had been in places, but not many, where he felt less comfortable than in the waiting room with a group of Englisch women who looked ready to give birth at any moment. None of the magazines stacked on the tables interested him enough to page through one until he noticed a sports magazine tucked at the bottom of one pile. He drew it out and almost laughed out loud when he saw it was a year old. The cover story was on baseball, so he began to read. He glanced toward the inner door when it opened, but it was a different woman calling out the name of one of the pregnant women.
“Mr. Stoltzfus?”
At his name, he looked up and saw the midwife who wore the brace and who’d come to get Rebekah was holding the door open again.
“Will you come with me?” she asked with a smile that suggested she knew exactly how eager he was to escape the waiting room.
Joshua had a smile of his own when he entered the room where Rebekah sat on a paper-topped examination table, her feet swinging as if she were no older than Sammy. He went to stand beside her.
After the midwife introduced herself, Beth Ann pulled out a low stool and sat. She handed him a sheet of paper. Scanning it, he saw it was a to-do list for when Rebekah’s contractions started, including when to call Beth Ann.
“At that point, I will contact the doctor so he’ll be there if we need him,” the midwife said. “As Rebekah didn’t have any complications with her first pregnancy, I don’t see any reason to expect any this time. God willing, of course.”
He nodded. “We have been praying for God’s blessing on this birth.”
“Do you have any questions?” Beth Ann asked.
“Not after having been present at the birth of my three kinder.”
“All right, Daedi,” she said with a laugh. “You are clearly an expert.”
“I know enough to call for you to come.”
That Rebekah didn’t correct Beth Ann’s assumption he was the boppli’s daed pleased him for a reason he couldn’t decipher. He didn’t want to. He wanted to enjoy the gut news that Rebekah and the boppli were doing well.
He assisted Rebekah from the table, thanked the midwife and nodded when she instructed them to make another appointment for two weeks from today. He took the small bag Rebekah held. She told him it contained vitamins. While she made an appointment, he went to get his straw hat and her bonnet from the rack by the door.
Cautiously he put his hand on her elbow to guide her on the steps and across the driveway to the buggy. Again he was relieved when she didn’t tug away or flinch.
She was quiet as he started the drive toward home. He guessed she was exhausted. Crossing the highway took more than twice as long this time because the traffic was even heavier. When a tourist pointed a camera at the buggy, he leaned into the shadows so his face wouldn’t be visible in the photograph. Most visitors understood the Amish didn’t want to have their picture taken, but a few didn’t care.
Once they crossed Route 30 and drove out of the village, no more cars zipped past them. He waved to an Englischer who was driving a tractor. He recognized the man from the charity mud sale at his mamm’s house in the spring. From what he’d heard, the Englischer was planning to run an organic vegetable farm. Joshua appreciated the man’s determination to practice gut husbandry.
After stopping to collect the mail, Joshua drove up the driveway. He glanced at Rebekah when she stirred. Had she fallen asleep? He didn’t want to embarrass her by asking.
“Danki for taking me to
my appointment today,” she said.
“You are my wife, and that boppli will be growing up in my house.” He felt her tense, but her shoulders became softer next to his as he added, “In our house. I’m sorry I didn’t say that first.”
“You don’t have to apologize. That house has been yours for years. You can’t expect to change old habits overnight.” She flashed him a smile. “I know I haven’t been able to change mine, though I’m trying to.”
Was she talking about how she flinched from him? If so, he hoped her words meant she was making an effort to accept him being close to her. Because, he realized, he wanted to be close to her. The sound of her laughter, the twinkle in her eyes when she looked as mischievous as Sammy, the gentleness she used with the kinder, the ruddy warmth of her hair...each of these and more drew him to her.
He assisted her out of the buggy, teasing her because she was getting almost too wide for the narrow door. He started to suggest that he grill some hamburgers for their supper tonight so she could rest, but halted when he saw Sammy running toward them with Debbie on his heels. The kinder were barefoot, and their clothes were spotted with water above the wet hems.
“Daedi, come see!” yelled Sammy. “Froggie!”
Joshua couldn’t move as Lloyd’s son called him Daedi again as he tugged on Joshua’s hand. This was a complication he hadn’t seen coming. What should he do?
He didn’t look in Rebekah’s direction, fearing he would see pain and grief on her face when her late husband’s son called another man Daedi. An apology burned on his tongue, but what could he say even if he let the words out? He wouldn’t apologize for loving the kind, especially when Sammy reminded him of his own boys at that age. Curious and excited over the most mundane things, filled with joy and eager to share his happiness with everyone around him. Even something as commonplace as a frog was a reason for celebrating.
“Daedi!” Sammy’s voice tore him away from his musing. “Quick! Froggie jumping.”
“We’re coming,” Joshua said. “Go ahead. We’ll be right behind you.” As the kinder raced toward the stream beyond the barn, he began, “Rebekah...” Again words failed him.
She gave him the same gentle smile he’d seen her offer the kinder when they were distressed. It eased the tightness in his gut.
“It’s all right, Joshua. He needs a daed, and if you’re willing to be his, that’s wunderbaar.”
“Are you sure?”
“Ja. I think you’ll be the very best daed he could have.”
“Now, you mean.” He didn’t want to be compared to his best friend when Lloyd had no chance to prove he would be a gut daed for Sammy.
She nodded, but her gaze edged away. She was hiding something, but what? He was certain if he could answer that question, so many other puzzles would be solved, too.
Chapter Eleven
The day was beautiful, and that morning before going to the shop, Joshua and Timothy had finished stringing the new clothesline out to the maple tree. Rebekah gazed at the puffy clouds as she hung a wet sheet that flapped against her in the breeze. She saw no sign of a storm, which meant she could do another load of laundry and have it dried and folded before she needed to leave for her scheduled appointment with the midwife. She’d persuaded Joshua that she was fine to go on her own. He relented only when she reminded him how his Englisch client would be stopping by tomorrow to collect his fancy carriage, and Joshua wanted to check it from front to back one last time to make sure he hadn’t overlooked something.
“Are you Rebekah?” A cheery voice broke into her thoughts.
She looked around the sheet and saw a woman close to her own age walking toward her. Glancing past her, she didn’t see a buggy. Had the woman walked to the house?
The woman’s dark brown eyes sparkled in her round face. Rather short, she was what Rebekah’s mamm might have described as pleasingly plump. Not overweight, but her plain clothes didn’t hide that she had softer curves than what the Englischers deemed ideal.
“Ja,” Rebekah replied. “I’m Rebekah.”
“I’m Sadie Gingerich. Your husband asked me to stop by to talk about working for you.” Her gaze slipped along Rebekah. “That boppli is coming soon, ain’t so?”
She laced her fingers over her belly. “No secret about that. Let’s go inside and sit while we talk.”
“Sounds gut,” Sadie agreed, but Rebekah quickly discovered that Sadie’s idea of a conversation was doing most of the talking herself.
They’d no sooner sat at the kitchen table than Debbie and Sammy came from the living room where they’d been playing a game. Rebekah was pleased to see how quickly Sammy hoisted himself into Sadie’s lap while she explained what work she did for a family before and after a boppli arrived.
Even though she didn’t get a chance to ask many questions, Rebekah decided Sadie would be a great temporary addition to their household. Sadie, though she was unmarried and had no kinder of her own, had helped raise her eleven younger siblings. She’d started hiring out after her daed died and clearly loved the work she did. Whenever she spoke with Debbie or Sammy, her smile broadened, and she soon had them giggling.
“When can you start?” Rebekah asked.
“I have another week at the Millers’ in the village, but I can begin after that if that works for you.” She bounced a delighted Sammy on her leg as if he were riding a horse.
“That would be wunderbaar. Oh...” She abruptly realized they didn’t have an extra bedroom for Sadie.
When she explained that, Sadie waved aside her concerns. “If Debbie doesn’t mind, I’ll share with her. I have almost a dozen sisters and brothers. Sharing with one other person will seem like luxury.”
“Say ja, Rebekah,” the little girl pleaded before turning to Sadie. “I’ve been praying the boppli is a girl because I want a sister.”
“I’ll be your practice sister.” Sadie looked at Rebekah. “If that’s okay with you.”
“It sounds like a gut solution.” She’d have to explain to Sadie eventually that Joshua had his own room upstairs, but that was a conversation she wanted to delay as long as possible. It wasn’t that she was ashamed of the situation. She felt... She wasn’t sure what she felt about it. She simply knew she didn’t want to discuss it.
They spoke a while longer, then Sadie said she needed to return to the Millers’ house. She left on a scooter like the ones the kinder rode to school, which explained why Rebekah hadn’t heard a buggy approach.
Rebekah couldn’t wait to tell Joshua that Sadie Gingerich had agreed to help. That made her smile even more as she went back outside to the clothesline. Lately, the idea of sharing events of the day and telling him funny stories about the kinder seemed natural. And she liked that they were becoming more and more a part of each other’s lives. Their marriage wasn’t a perfect love story, but it was getting better each day.
Once she’d finished hanging the rest of the laundry, Rebekah picked up the basket and went into the laundry area off the kitchen. She started the washer and dumped in detergent. Of all the conveniences they enjoyed from the solar panels on the roof, having a washer that wasn’t run by a gasoline motor was her favorite. She’d despised the raucous noise and the fumes, even with an exhaust pipe stuck out a window, from the washer in Bird-in-Hand.
She went to the pile of light-colored clothes waiting to be washed. The kinder brought their dirty clothes to the laundry room, saving her extra trips up and down the stairs. They tried to sort them properly, but she occasionally found a dark sock in with the whites. She picked up each garment and shook it to make sure nothing hid within it.
When she lifted one of Joshua’s light blue shirts to put it in the washer, a familiar odor, one she’d hoped never to smell again, swirled through her senses, stripping her happiness away as if it’d never existed. Her nose wrinkled. She knew that odor...and
she hated it. The scent of alcohol. She’d smelled it too many times on Lloyd’s breath and on his clothes.
Where was it coming from?
She sniffed the shirt. No, not from that. Dropping it into the water filling the tub, she held another piece of clothing to her nose, then another and another, and drew in a deep breath with each one. She identified the musty scent of sweat and the tangy sauce from the casserole she’d made two nights ago. The unmistakable scent of horse and another of the grease Joshua used at the buggy shop. Green and earthy aromas from the knees of the pants Levi had been wearing when he helped her weed the garden and harvest the cabbage and green beans.
But the scent of liquor was gone. Had she actually smelled it? Maybe the combination of laundry detergent and heat in the laundry room had created the odor she dreaded. After all, though she’d watched carefully, she’d never heard Joshua slur his words or seen him unsteady on his feet. He never struck her or the kinder.
Was the smell only her imagination? It must have been.
But what if it wasn’t?
She leaned forward against the washer and whispered, “Help me, God! Help us all.”
* * *
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Rebekah couldn’t help taking a deep breath every few minutes. The odor of alcohol, if it’d existed at all, had vanished. It was impossible to forget the stab of fear in the laundry room. Even at her appointment with Beth Ann, she’d struggled to focus on the midwife’s questions and suggestions. She’d managed little more than a faint smile when Beth Ann had congratulated her on hiring Sadie Gingerich.
The comment reminded her that Joshua was paying the expenses for Lloyd’s kind. She shied away from the idea of selling the farm. Even after the house had been stripped clean by Lloyd’s relatives, there was enough farm machinery to sell to cover the costs of the delivery and Sadie’s help. How could she hold on to the farm when Joshua worked so hard to provide for the family?
By the time she returned home, her head was pounding. She must have looked as bad as she felt, because Debbie urged her to rest. She hesitated until the little girl reminded her that Joshua had volunteered to bring home pizza to celebrate finishing the work on the carriage.
