by Bec McMaster
Only... now they were free. And she still couldn't find the words.
They'd escaped Rust City with most of the slaves who'd been there. Vex was dead, most of the reivers either fleeing the wargs or bleeding in the streets. There'd be no more slave raids from Rust City. No more warlords or reiver bands. She still couldn't quite believe it.
Mia craned her neck to look behind them. Dust billowed out the back of the car. In the distance smoke billowed in the sky. "No sign of pursuit?"
Sage met her eyes in the rearview mirror. Somehow her sister was the one driving. Jake snored in the front seat next to her, his arm strapped across his chest with a bloodied bandage. "Nothing worth mentioning. I think those reivers that got out were more concerned with avoiding the wargs."
"Great." She sank down in the seat. "How long have I been out of it?"
"Five or so hours," Zarina said, with a snort.
Not nearly long enough. Mia's head lolled back onto McClain's shoulder as darkness sucked her under.
They stopped driving around four in the afternoon. Zarina wanted to push on—she was clearly fleeing her own demons—but the rest of them were exhausted.
Mia made herself busy by setting up camp and seeing to the other slaves they'd freed. There were around thirty of them. Men, women, even older children who hadn't yet been shipped south. A huge win by any standards, but maybe it was exhaustion that kept some eyes hollow. She smiled weakly as she rubbed her hand through one boy’s matted hair. How anyone could do something like this to another person was beyond her.
"Thank you," one woman murmured, sipping the water that Mia had brought up from the stream.
"What's your name?"
"Risa."
"You're safe now," Mia said softly. "Make sure you get some sleep tonight. I'm sure we'll start early in the morning."
Risa looked up. "Where are we going?"
"We're heading north to Salvation Creek, the town I'm from. There'll be warm blankets and food there for you as you recover. As for the rest? That's up to you. I'm sure you'd be welcome to stay."
Tears wet the other woman's eyes. "I didn't think I'd ever be free again. It doesn't feel real just yet." She swallowed. "Thank you so much for all you've done for us."
Mia smiled, then left Risa staring into her cup of water. She still didn't feel like celebrating, but hearing Risa's words gave her a good head start on it.
Where are we going? kept whispering through her head. Home, we're going home, she argued with herself, but it didn't feel right. That restless itch she'd felt when she was eighteen was back again, and this time she thought she might know more about what it indicated.
Jake had taken Sage off to the creek to talk. She knew what he was going to tell her sister, and nervous butterflies lit up inside her stomach, no matter how much she tried to distract herself. Sage needed to know and they'd both promised to tell her, but she still felt weird about it.
So much had changed in the space of a week. Mia looked down. She'd washed herself in the creek and wore clean clothes—her last set—but she still felt dirty somehow. Rust City wasn't going to leave her alone just yet. She wore its ghost inside her skin. Best to keep her hands busy. Keep checking on the former captives. It gave her something to do.
As for the other cause of her distress, McClain was off hunting with Johnny Colton, and returned with two wild deer about ten minutes later. She didn't ask how they'd tracked it. Supersenses, remember?
How could she forget?
She'd thought she was hiding her dilemma well, but after a few minutes of awkwardly trying to find something to do, Zarina stepped into her path. "What's going on?"
Mia shook out the dusty blanket she'd found in the back of one of the jeeps and examined how clean it was. "What do you mean?" The blanket was riddled with holes, but there were no signs of blood or filth like she'd expected. Probably lice though. Reivers weren't the cleanest people. "I'm waiting for dinner to cook."
"Yeah, right." Zarina squatted by the campfire. "You're very carefully avoiding a certain warg three fires over."
Mia's gaze flickered up. McClain stripped the deer with efficient strokes, his back to her as he knelt by another fire. The firelight gilded his close-cropped hair, turning it molten and almost touchable. Mia tore her gaze away. She couldn't help feeling that little twist in her chest every time she saw him, even though they'd barely said a word since she woke up in the jeep that afternoon.
He could probably hear every word they said.
"That's really none of your business."
The words soured the expression on the other woman's face. "Yeah. Okay. I probably deserve that. I get it. We're not friends."
"Zarina," Mia said with a sigh. "It's got nothing to do with who you are, or what you've done. And... I wouldn't say we're not friends. You came with me when I needed you. That earns you some rights." She glanced across the distance again. McClain had gone. Mia's voice dropped. "I just don't want to talk about it until I've got it clear in my own head."
"Talk or not," Zarina pointed out, "if you don't make your move, one of these others will. That's a fine-looking man, and he just helped rescue some of those women from slavery."
"You're not helping."
"I'm not trying to." Zarina's dark eyes gleamed in the firelight. She stabbed a stick into the fire, toying with the hot coals. "We did it. We actually escaped Rust City. And my mother's dead, and...."
And Zarina needed to talk to someone. Anyone. Mia put the blanket down. "You'd be welcome in Salvation Creek."
"I don't think so." Zarina cast a haunted glance around the clearing at the people her mother had taken as slaves. "I'm the warlord's daughter and these people know me. They're never going to forgive me."
"Are you going to forgive yourself?"
Zarina looked away. "It doesn't matter."
Yeah, right. Mia recognized guilt when she saw it. "You're no longer a warlord's daughter," she pointed out. "Some things are going to have to change. Maybe it starts here?"
"Maybe. I'm going to move on I think, Mia." She shrugged, and graced Mia with a careless smile that rang false. "See a bit of the world."
Mia sighed. If Zarina put a bit of distance between herself and the ghost of Rust City, then maybe she could start to work past it all. Mia knew she needed the distance. "Here's to new beginnings... for the both of us."
That roused a genuine smile. "To new beginnings."
"And regardless of what you decide to do, you'll always be welcome in my home," Mia said, but her vision caught on something that stole nearly all of her attention.
Sage had returned to camp, and from the look of her eyes, she'd been crying. Hell.
"Go on," Zarina muttered. "I don't know the full story, but I can see that something's going on with her and her husband. She needs her sister right now."
That was if Sage still considered her a sister. Mia swallowed.
"How could you not tell me?"
Mia kicked the toe of her boot through the creek's water. "I didn't want to hurt you."
"And do you think this doesn't hurt me now?" Sage demanded in a hoarse whisper. "My entire marriage has been a lie—"
"I know." There were no excuses she could offer. Just a complicated mess she'd never known how to work her way out of.
Sage pressed her fingers to her temples. "All this time I've been on tenterhooks, trying to manage the pair of you in my life. I knew something was wrong. You hated him. Do you know what that felt like? Managing the both of you? Trying to see you when I could, and then spend time with my husband when he was home. Keeping the pair of you apart as much as often. That hurt, Mia.
"And I've spent years trying to work out what happened between you both. Did he have another woman out there? Another family? Was it Mom and Dad's deaths? Did he say something? Was it me? What? I kept thinking that if I could just hold on to him, just love him enough, then he might stay with me. Do you know what that feels like, to spend so much of your life wondering?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. And you seemed okay with it all. You never said anything."
"That makes two of us. There's a lot you can hide behind a smile," Sage cried. Tears ran down her cheeks, turning her pale skin blotchy. "When I was pregnant... it was the only thing that made him happy for a while. I pinned so many of my hopes on that child, even though I knew the pains weren't normal. I thought it could save our marriage, but then I lost the baby... And I never told anyone how bad it was inside my head, because I never dared upset the applecart."
Mia dragged Sage into a hug. She was crying now too.
"And he hurt you," Sage blurted. "How do I forgive that? All these years you locked yourself away, and I kept hoping you'd find someone for yourself, but he cost you that."
The pair of them cried on each other's shoulders. Mia couldn't help clutching at Sage a little, as if she could still lose her.
"I won't pretend I'm not angry," Sage finally whispered. "But I know you only meant to protect me. You always do. But this time you fucked up, Mia. No more secrets, okay. I can't handle that shit anymore."
"Promise," she whispered.
Sage wiped her eyes.
"What are you going to do about Jake?"
"I honestly don't know," Sage admitted. "He's been the only thing I could think of for the past few days. I was so desperate to see him again, even when I hoped he wouldn't come. I love him, Mia. But I'm so angry with him. He ruined our family."
"Look," Mia said. "Jake and I have had our differences in the past few years, but I have to admit that this week.... You're all he's thought about. He would have done anything to get you out of there safely. And I'm not making excuses for him, but... I guess I've forgiven him. I saw how much he loves you, Sage. He would have died for you."
"You're the last person I thought would ever forgive him."
"I know." Mia let out a relived breath. "But I don't think I'm the same person as I was before. I'm tired of feeling bitter and tired of... I don't know. Just existing, I guess. I want more."
"Good," Sage said bluntly.
"I thought you'd hate me more. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're my everything, you're my—"
Sage held up her hand, looking weary. "I know I am. That's the one truth I will never doubt." Fire suddenly flared in her eyes. "But have you ever thought about what kind of a burden that places on me? I love you, Mia. And I know that I'm the center of your world. And while that's the most comforting thought in the world sometimes, it makes me uncomfortable too. Mia, I know I'm your everything, but the sad thing is that you have nothing else. You can't keep living for me. And I know why it happened, I know you needed to protect me when Mom and Dad died, and that it gave you a lifeline to hang on to. But that was over ten years ago. I'm an adult with my own... my own life. Even if things don't work out with Jake, I'll find something. But you.... Jake hurt you and you locked yourself away from the world, and I didn't know why. And you kept living in this bubble-like world. Making your whiskey, running the bar, keeping men at arm's length, with me as your focal point in life. And you can't keep doing that. Not for my sake, but yours. I want to see you move on. I want to see you with your own life, your own man, your own... family. I want so much more for you because I love you, and it hurts me to see you stagnating the way you did."
It shocked her. She'd never thought about it in such a way. Had she really done that? Latched on to her sister and used Sage as the pillar of her life, not just for Sage's sake, but for her own?
Sage let out a faint laugh. "And here you have a man, a good man, one who looks at you like you're the moon and all the stars in his world, and I'm so frightened that you're going to push him away."
Mia opened her mouth but the words didn't come out. "He's—"
"Do you love McClain?" Sage demanded. "Before you say anything else, do you love him?"
She didn't know how to answer that. Everything had happened so quickly, and she hadn't had time to sort through her feelings, let alone deal with the emotional fallout of discovering McClain's secret. "It's not that simple."
"Yes, it is," Sage replied. "Do you love him, Mia?"
"Yes! But it also scares the hell out of me."
"What's holding you back? Are you still scared that you can't trust him?"
"He has a secret," Mia blurted.
"Is it the kind of secret that keeps you from letting him into your heart? I want to believe that one of us can be happy. No, I think I need to believe it."
Adam had known. He'd known how she'd react and all day he'd been keeping his distance, even as there'd been an ancient sense of sadness in his eyes. It stymied her now. The monsters shouldn't be afraid of the humans, but he was. He was afraid she'd reject him again, afraid to get too close to her.
Or maybe he was waiting for her to make the first move.
"I don't know if he's the type of man I thought he was," she admitted slowly, then held up her hand when Sage went to open her mouth. "He's a warg, Sage."
"What?"
She told her sister the story about the medallion. "He wears one around his neck. I've seen it a couple of times, but I have to admit I was... focusing on other things whenever he took his shirt off. I didn't even put the two stories together until he was shot. All the signs were there, but why would I? He's a damned hero, and wargs were always the nasty critters in the night as far as I knew. McClain even told me himself—you won't look at me the way you do now, if you knew my secret. He's right. I don't know what to think." Her voice dropped. "I... I had sex with him."Wild, dirty, crazy sex. And it was incredible....
"Jesus." Sage scraped her hand over her mouth. "But it's nearly night. I don't understand...."
"The medallion keeps the monster trapped within him," Mia admitted. "What do I believe? He helped destroy a slave town, Sage, because he said that every man or woman there deserved to be free. This entire trip he's been looking after me, taking care of me, of my people. My heart tells me he's a good man, but I'm so scared. What do I do?" She gave a breathless laugh that sounded somewhat ragged. "He got to me. I finally let a man in, and now I'm scared that he's not really a man."
Warm arms slid around her, and Sage dragged Mia's head against her shoulder. "Shush. You'll work it out. I won't pretend it doesn't scare me, or that this is an easy decision for you to make, but... I've seen monsters this past week, those in the shape of men and women. Whatever he is, McClain's not that type of monster and I think you know it. I guess... you just have to decide if it's worth the risk."
Was it? Mia breathed in the fresh scent of the wind blowing off the creek and rested her head against her sister's shoulder. She was tired of not taking risks. And every time she thought herself round in circles, she kept running smack-bang into Sage's declaration. You have nothing for yourself, Mia....
Maybe it was time to stop overthinking everything?
Maybe it was time to let her guard down, just a little?
Mia kissed her sister's hand and then slowly drew away. "Whatever he is or isn't, I think this is a discussion I need to be having with McClain," she told her sister.
"Finally."
Thirty
"HEY."
Mia paused at the edge of the tor where McClain was standing, staring up with absolute absorption at the full moon only just edging into the sky.
It wasn't as though she'd thought she could surprise him, but when he turned to look at her, the silver light of the moon staining his tanned face, there was no surprise in his expression. "Mia," he said gruffly. "What are you doing? I said I'd take the first watch tonight."
"I asked Ellie to keep an eye out," she replied. He'd laid his sleeping kit out up here, as far away from the camp as possible. "I can't remember the last time I saw you sleep."
A shrug. "It's what I do."
He turned away from her as if to hide his face, but she caught his wrist. "No," she said. "It's more than that. What are you hiding from?"
"Mia—"
Stepping closer, she lifted a
hand to touch his face but he was turning away, a movement that might have come across as rejection if only she wasn't so certain what he was trying to hide from her.
"Not a good time," McClain muttered, catching her wrists and leaning forward to rest his forehead against her temple. His chest rose and fell as if his blood rushed through his veins, and his skin felt like a fever raged inside him.
How could she ever have mistaken him for human?
"Isn't it?" she whispered. "Why?"
Please. Please tell me about it. She wanted him to speak to her, to share his burden. And maybe she knew why he wouldn't, but by keeping her at arm's length he was sacrificing any chance the pair of them had.
He just shuddered and looked away, which wasn't good enough.
"It's the moon, isn't it? It calls to you." Mia slid her hands inside his shirt, feeling the bristle of hair down his abdomen. McClain's lashes shuttered his eyes, but the tension within him ratcheted tighter. He looked up then, meeting her gaze with eyes of pure silver. A hungry, hunted look filled them, not entirely human.
But suddenly, she wasn't afraid.
She was angry and furious, but no longer bitter. Her heart felt like a butterfly emerging from a long sleep in its protective cocoon. Its wings were light and the world was beautiful, but there was danger there too. And her butterfly-heart could either accept the risk and take flight, or bury itself back into that stony cocoon and die a short, bitter death of nothingness.
Mia took a deep, shuddering breath. Time for some truth. Time to risk it all, to live again. "That moment when you got shot was one of the worst moments in my life. My mind keeps replaying it over and over in my head... that look on your face, and the feeling that I'd lost you before we even had a chance to begin. I won't pretend all of this hasn't been a shock, but there's a part of me that's glad you're a warg and you survived that."
With those words, she pushed his shirt open, revealing the heavy pewter amulet around his throat.
Suddenly, she was the fearless one.
It was the most wonderful feeling in the world. She knew the dangers here, and she realized that what she was holding in her hands was more precious than she'd ever expected. He might not dare give it to her, but all the same, his heart was in her hands and she was in the position of power.
